Ted Green: Jazz vs. Lakers? Jerry Sloan says bleak, I say Lakers in 5

This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.

As a hardscrabble bruiser with the old Chicago Bulls, he was never afraid to fight. And today at 67, Jerry Sloan is easily old enough to remember the Rumble in the Jungle ... Ali vs. Foreman ... Zaire, Africa, 1974.

Maybe that’s why the old Jazzman is rope-a-doping his graying head off before facing the Lakers in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

At 6-6, Sloan just became the world’s tallest possum.

‘We didn’t give them much of a battle and knowing that we’re going to have to play them again, it looks pretty bleak,’ Sloan says, all but extending a written, engraved invitation to the Lakers to take his poor, woebegone Jazz for granted.

‘We’re just like a little dent in the road as far as they’re concerned,’ Jedi mind-trick master Jerry adds. ‘They’re very comfortable playing against us, and obviously they should be.’

Thanks, Coach, for sharing your pre-Game 1 speech. It’s hardly original, but it might be all you’ve got.

Now here’s a Kleenex so you can stop crying.

You’ve got Olympian and perennial All-Star Deron Williams, who is better than all the Lakers point guards combined. You’ve got Carlos Boozer, who is bigger across the shoulders and chest than any Laker, much meaner and more physical, and has more tattoos too. And you’ve got AK-47, Andrei Kirilenko, with possible KGB connections and also consensus winner of any Hottest Wife contest.

So it’s not like the Jazz is playing with an empty orchestra pit.

But they are playing with an ensemble that can’t match the Lakers’ super-sized front line, nor do they have anyone to guard Kobe Bryant, the latter a recurring problem for more than three-quarters of the league.

So at the end of the day, I actually agree with poor-me Jerry. You ARE just a dent on the road. And your team hasn’t shown one clear sign that it knows how to win on the road, either.

So Coach Dent on the Road, you ARE ready to be swept away like roadkill. But because you have that Williams kid, the more sensible pick is: Lakers in 5.

-- Ted Green

Ted Green once covered the Lakers for the L.A. Times. He is currently senior sports producer for KTLA Prime News.