Lisa Guerrero's November ticket
All I need is a pair of glasses, a Bible and a shotgun.
Beyond that, Sarah has provided a viable career option that I had simply not considered before. You see:
She was a sportscaster. I was a sportscaster.
She married a guy with facial hair. (A snowmobile champion!) I married a guy with facial hair. (A World Series champion!)
She has “Babe Street Cred” (Miss Wasilla, 1984). I have “Babe Street Cred” (Playboy cover, 2006).
She’s a foreign-policy expert because she can almost see Russia from her house. I’m a foreign policy expert because I can see Taco Bell from my house.
We’re both brunettes!
We’re both the same age!
We both have poor eyesight!
You see where I’m going, right?
Chick sportscasters everywhere are thrilled to know that someday we can move out of the locker room and into the Oval Office.
Of course, Sarah and I do have our differences.
She’s a hockey mom. I’m a baseball wife.
At her first Republican Convention, she made the audience cheer. At my first press conference, I made Dennis Rodman cry.
She shoots animals. I shoot pool.
She believes in more drilling. The only drilling I believe in is if the batter’s crowding the plate. (“Drill, baby, drill!” Especially if you married a pitcher.)
She’s got five kids and believes in abstinence. I’ve got two dogs and believe in spaying and neutering.
I still haven’t figured out what all of her policies would be, but I can outline for you the platforms I would run on.
1.) No free agency or trades for any team or league, period. Once you draft 'em, you live with 'em. If your team stinks, fire the coaches and rewrite the playbooks. So how can a player make more money? Simple: performance incentives.
2.) No instant replays. They take too much time and too often are still wrong. Besides, I enjoy the drama of having some 72-year-old guy running up and down the sidelines, trying to keep up with the athletes and then making judgments that might be the difference between victory or defeat. Kinda like the drama of having a 72-year-old guy running for office, trying to keep up with the issues and then making judgments that might be the difference between victory or four more years.
But at least we’d have Sarah.
3.) And finally, to my stance on foreign policy: Pay our Olympic athletes! That’s right, if they’re wearing red, white and blue, they should see some green. If we expect more gold and to compete in the “global marketplace,” our athletes need the cash to train full time rather than hold down a job at Home Depot. And if we have to draft our jocks at 3 years old and then doctor their birth certificates down the road, then so be it. I don’t need to win wars, but I do need to win medals.
Of course, if I intend to run for the office next door to the leader of the free world, then I’d better select a running mate, but who should be our next POTUS?
After careful consideration, it’s clear that, like Sarah, to offset my inexperience I should pick a respected elder statesman. Someone who is beloved and is revered for his contributions to society. Someone who is smart and stable, able to reach across the aisle with a strong presence and a reassuring voice that lets you know, just by listening to him, that all is right with the world.
Vin Scully for President!
-- Lisa Guerrero
Lisa Guerrero has covered Super Bowls, NBA championships and the World Series, along with the Oscars, Emmys and Grammys. An an actress, she has appeared on "Frasier," "The George Lopez Show" and as Billy Baldwin's long-suffering wife in the award-winning family film, "A Plumm Summer," which she executive-produced.
Photos: Top: Sarah Palin at the Republican Convention. Credit: Matt Hage / Associated Press. Bottom: Dodgers announcer Vin Scully. Credit: Genaro Molina / Los Angeles Times.