'Top Chef Texas': Remaining cooks looking a bit whomperjawed

"It's all about the details now."

That was head judge Tom Colcchio's admonition to the remaining six contestants in "Top Chef: Texas," but we're not so sure that's the main issue right now.

The season's consistently best cooks--Paul and Lindsay--are fanatically focused on the smallest things, which distinguished the cooking of Wednesday's winner, Paul, (who put eggplant in his low-fat Korean barbecue kalbi to give it mouth feel) and runner-up, Lindsay (who substituted chickpea flour in her meatballs to keep them light). Yet the details aren't really all that was missed by the lower finishers, particularly Sarah and the no-longer-with-us Chris J.

Those two cooks failed in their ambition, not just their execution.

The elimination challenge required the half-dozen cooks to prepare "block party" food for 200 guests. Yet again, and somewhat annoyingly, the time restraints were absurd--2 1/2 hours to prepare the dishes. "An insane challenge," as Grayson said, "a little intense" in Lindsay's opinion. Even if the constraints were tough, at least four of the chefs (the partners of Sarah and Lindsay and Grayson and Chris J.) could have come up with dishes a bit more ambitious than their respective meatballs and chicken salad.

Throughout the ninth season of "Top Chef," the contestants have cooked as if they were more worried about failing than inclined toward winning. They remind us of studio executives who look at every script that passes over their desk trying to avoid a bomb rather than find a hit. As Colicchio upbraided Grayson for picking chicken salad as her dish, she was quick to remind him that her rivals' meatballs were hardly more daring. That's probably why Edward, who at least attempted to make a healthy version of a more difficult dish--another version of kalbi--wasn't sent home, even though his dish appeared to be the least edible.

And while we're on the subject of healthy eating--the evening's tie-in was to entrees by "Top Chef" sponsor Healthy Choice --it didn't look like any of the Texas diners had eaten a healthy dish since the Mexican-American War. We don't intend to be cruelly weightist, but if you're asking amateurs to judge low-fat food, maybe the "Top Chef" producers could have found some locals who actually eat it. 

Furthermore, there's a real debate about whether Healthy Choice entrees actually are that good for you. Some critics say they are typically high in sodium, are frequently built around simple carbohydrates like pasta and feature such small portions--350 calories, in some cases--that consumers may eat two of them or have an entirely separate meal a few hours later.

But we digress. Paul's win and Lindsay's strong showing reinforce our belief the two will make the finals. As much as we dislike Sarah, she was on the bottom Wednesday night only because of the way the challenge was set up--she even may have cooked better than Grayson, who was in the winner's bracket. Yet whoever wants to win this thing better turn their cooking up a notch. As I tell my Little League-playing son says, it's better to strike out swinging that take a walk.

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--John Horn

Photo: Chris J., left, Edward and Sarah in "Top Chef: Texas." Credit" Victoria Sherwood/Bravo.

 

'Top Chef: Texas': Which cooks are walkin' in tall cotton?

Are we excited, or just resigned?

There are now only six contestants left in “Top Chef: Texas.” And like much of their cooking during the ninth season of the reality series, it’s hard to get that energized about any of them in absolute terms.

In relative terms, it’s even more disheartening: Consider some of the chefs who preceded this season’s cooks, and you realize how much less dazzling the current bunch are than the brothers Voltaggio, Richard Blais, Stefan Richter, Stephanie Izard, Carla Hall, even Fabio Viviani — we could go on, but you get the picture.

Wednesday’s show, where the challenge was to cook a meal fit for an evil queen (in a naked cross-promotion by Bravo owner Comcast, the guest judge was Charlize Theron, the star of an upcoming movie from Universal Studios, also a Comcast entity), the preparation across the board for the very first time this season was superior and inspired. 

“In all the years of doing this,” lead judge Tom Colicchio said, “this has been one of the finest meals I’ve had the pleasure of eating.”

To find anyone to send home, the judges picked some mighty small nits, ultimately axing Beverly for … using arrowroot as a thickening agent?

We’re hoping the remaining six don’t soon return to their mediocre form, as one of the last half-dozen inevitably must win by more than default, while four will advance to the finals. And don’t discount Beverly, who beat long-running “Last Chance Kitchen” survivor Nyesha and could potentially return to the finals.

Here’s our handicap of the remaining chefs, ranked in order from least to most likely to win:

Chris J.: He always seems to be trying to be too clever and generally failing not only at being witty but also competent. Like everyone else, he put out a great dish Wednesday (a stuffed apple dessert), but once you get past the sizzle and the strange hair, there’s not much meat on the bone, is there? Time may be running out for him and his liquid nitrogen.

Grayson: We still can’t forgive her hula-hoop-sized steak a few weeks back, about enough beef to make a Lady Gaga meat dress. She’s never been that impressive, and never that terrible. In Wednesday’s elimination challenge, she ended up on the bottom, but definitely swung for the fences, turning out a chicken dish that served the spirit and letter of the task.

Sarah: It’s a little hard to like her cooking and a lot harder to like her. There have been plenty of talented chefs with worse personalities (season four’s Lisa Fernandes comes to mind), but Sarah has never really wowed us; and like her attitude, her food preparation is almost always defensive — working not to be eliminated rather than to win.

Edward: All season, we have been transfixed by his strange way of talking, which calls to mind a hockey player who’s had his jaw wired shut. No matter. He rarely panics, is often in the running for a win and appears to be flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances.

Lindsay: We know from last week’s “restaurant wars” that she’s better off in the kitchen than at the front of the house, but that’s a very small demerit for a chef who may have only one top finish but has been on the bottom only once — in the very first episode. Even with immunity, she nearly won Wednesday’s elimination challenge. She feels like a lock for the finals.

Paul: Week in and week out, he’s the very best chef on the show. Although he cooked guardedly at first, he’s become riskier but no less accomplished. Of the remaining chefs, he’s the only one with three wins and seems poised to reach the finals if not take it all.

RELATED:

'Top Chef: Texas': Fixin' to get interesting

'Top Chef: Texas': Diners are all hat, no cattle

'Top Chef: Texas': Sarah turns wolverine mean

--John Horn

Photo: Lindsay in “Top Chef: Texas.” Credit: Virginia Sherwood / Bravo 

 

'Top Chef: Texas': Don't mess with Tom Colicchio

The theme of Wednesday's "Top Chef" premiere was that "everything's bigger in Texas." Yet there's also something noticeably smaller in the Lone Star State -- Tom Colicchio's patience.

In what had to be the fastest sendoff in "Top Chef" history, the series' lead judge dispatched the cocky but otherwise clueless Tyler Stone to the showers before the Sacramento personal chef even cooked one thing. We can't disagree with the decision -- Stone was butchering a cut of pork the way Daniel Boone might have slaughtered a grizzly with a machete -- and hope that the cooking show's ninth season won't shy away from similarly unapologetic dismissals.

Given that 29 contestants must rapidly be reduced to 16 finalists this year, there's a real necessity for "Top Chef's" arbiters to be judge, jury and executioner in one fell swoop.

Bravo's popular cooking show prides itself on the courtesy it extends its contestants, even as they're shown the door. While we're not asking that "Top Chef" adopt heartless, "Survivor"-style exits, the show in recent years has been mighty slow to separate some obvious chaff from the tastier wheat. It took eight episodes, for instance, in the last regular season of "Top Chef" finally to be rid of Stephen Hopcraft.

Anyone who bothered (and we did) to watch some of the audition videos for "Top Chef: Texas" could have spotted Tyler's fate immediately. As in many reality shows, a "Top Chef" contestant's longevity is   inversely related to how long he or she predicts he or she will stick around. In his tryout video, Tyler said, "this little dummy is going to cook you under the bus" -- a strangely tortured metaphor -- while also boasting, "I have great knife skills," and, "I know I can hold my own."

When he started butchering his pork, Tyler quickly retracted his audition hubris, telling Colicchio, "I'm not a butcher," preferring to have his proteins sent in nicely prepared by some unseen hand. "I know," Colicchio said. "But you're a chef. And that's a basic skill."

It's too early to say who the favorites might be, but given his looks, I'm betting that more than a few women (my wife included) are hoping that Chris Crary, who calls himself "a culinary artist," is around for more than a few weeks.

But if one of your favorites is sent the way of Tyler, don't despair. For the first time, the exiled will have a chance to cook their way back into the competition in a future, Web-only segment called "Top Chef: Last Chance Kitchen." It's similar to the kind of pardon that allowed Hugh Acheson, who was booted at the start of the last "Top Chef: Masters," to come back into the kitchen. And now Acheson will be a judge on "Top Chef: Texas."

Let's hope he's not too kind.

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-- John Horn

Photo: Emeril Lagasse, Padma Lakshmi and Tom Colicchio in "Top Chef: Texas." Credit: Virginia Sherwood / Bravo