'The Hills': 'Twas the season of Stephanie and Audrina

How did the bonus season finale last night stack up against the third season's?

Last time, LC was getting hot for Brody again and about to jet off for a business trip to Paris, while Heidi decided to take a “relationship vacation” from Spencer. The latest cliffhanger revolved around LC on the brink of losing another friend. (But we suspect that's going to pretty much resolve itself.)

Season three wins by a landslide, right? Sure, we could talk about the finale and LC's ever-shifting philosophy on friendship, but we've already said our piece when it comes to that. Instead, we would like to dedicate this space to the bonus season’s heroes: Stephanie and Audrina.

She-Pratt was a wonder from her first episode, where she confronted LC and Brody in a nightclub and beckoned, quite literally, to Brody to “come back” to Team Spencer. It was dramatic and scary and we were totally mesmerized.

Since then, she almost singlehandedly drove the drama. With careful calculation, Stephanie became everyone’s worst best friend, making moves for both Team LC and Team Heidi. Finally, someone who wants stuff happen on "The Hills"!

This season, Stephanie bonded with LC early on. (Hey, she may have Pratt blood running through her veins but, like, she and LC shared computer class.) She vowed to not reveal too much to big brother Pratt, and then with every LC invite, she’d reluctantly, and sometimes tearfully, break down to Heidi or Spencer.

Stephanie pulled off the confrontation “Hills” fans were waiting for when she convinced Heidi that a night out at Goa would be a good idea even when LC was on the guest list. LC’s response: “Someone kidnap me now, please.” And she even managed to reunite our villainous lovebirds in last night's finale by ratting out Heidi’s out-of-town plans to Spencer, who was rearing to win back his lady love.

We’ve not seen a better puppeteer since “Mean Girls’” Regina George.

Hmm, an odd stumble this season with a snoozefest of an episode. (Then again, it might be because I just watched "Gossip Girl" and OMG Serena killed someone?!)

Not enough Stephanie and too much of Heidi and Spencer looking like sad pandas instead of the scheming LC bashers I've come to love watching. Whitney and new fun boss Kelly Cutrone were also MIA.

Instead, we've got more of what we already learned last week: LC and Lo have, inadvertently or not, made Audrina the third wheel in their new living situation. To her credit, LC seemed to feel bad about it -- even though Lo seems to be making all the decisions for the pair. They shop when Lo wants. They eat when Lo wants.

Enter the reborn, newly shorn Justin Bobby. He's not as much fun as last season (yet), but we can all appreciate his encouraging Audrina to high-tail it outta there. She already knew Lo was uninterested in bonding -- her eye-rolling, giggling and blackberry disses are so not subtle -- and now Justin Bobby may just be helping her get that backbone she needs to make the leap.

Pack it on up and move it on out, Audrina.

POLL:

Audrina should...

a) Move out. Lo's totally rude and LC doesn't seem to mind.

b) Stick it out. You've got a gorgeous guest house to yourself. Ignore the blonds.

c) Move in with Justin Bobby. He's a new man!

--Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV)

What is it about Stephen Colletti that makes LC all weak in the knees? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it.

I may think LC’s not the kindest to Audrina -- she and Lo picked on her again for inviting Justin Bobby to their housewarming party -- but I wouldn’t wish her taste in guys on anyone. Stephen, Jason, Brody …she's not really into the winners.

And LC's been sprung so long on Stephen, even I’ll admit it tugs on my heartstrings. I get that he's cute in an aw-shucks kinda way,  but he did pick Kristin Cavallari over you, LC. Poor thing.

But then again, it’s not as though Stephen My-last-girlfriend-was-"Heroes"-star-Hayden-Panettiere Colletti never saw “Laguna Beach.” It’s not like both he and LC aren’t perfectly aware that she’d happily have thousands of “pretty babies” with him (as Lo likes to say) if he ever gave the word.

Might as well milk it, yeah? Give the people who watch “The Hills” what they want: more of LC’s unrequited love. If there’s anything LC does well, it’s play the luckless girl, right? Her best friend betrayed her, she falls for all the wrong guys. It fuels the show.

Do I believe her crush is 100% legit? Sure. Is it sad that she’s deigned to offer it up as good TV and nothing else? Well, yeah. As one LC sympathizer, a colleague at the Los Angeles Times, put it: “Is it Lauren’s fault that she loves too much?”

And so we have last night’s episode of “The Hills,” a collaboration between LC and the show’s producers titled “A Date With the Past.”  I say they collaborated because she does narrate these things, so she‘s clearly cool with playing up her unreturned affection.

Stephen plays dense so well too. He took LC on a friend-date to Il Cielo, which was voted as “the most romantic restaurant in L.A.” by Los Angeles magazine.

What did they talk about? About how all their silly friends and family wish the two would get it on already:

Audrina may not be the sharpest tool, but does she really need a “friend” like Lauren?

Lauren may get to narrate “The Hills,” but I think I speak for everyone when I say the series has turned on our fair narrator, who has reverted to a sniffling, green-eyed high schooler this season. (In fact, we’re going back to calling her by her high school nickname, LC, from now on.)

So without further ado, an open letter to LC …

LC, It’s time to move on. Heidi has. (And what kind of world are we living in when Heidi is the grown-up one?) We’re over LC vs. Heidi.

How is it fair for you, LC, to befriend Stephanie, sister of your sworn enemy Spencer, who once confronted you in a nightclub in defense of her brother, but Audrina can’t reunite with Heidi? I smell a hypocrite in these hills.

What’s worse, it seems as though everyone else around you is evolving. Heidi is Ms. Female Empowerment. Stephanie, our favorite “Hills” informant, sailed her olive branch over to you while letting Spencer crash in her apartment. Whitney matriculated from Teen Vogue (albeit to more grunt work). Brody got himself a new steady. Spencer’s giving Heidi her space (for the most part). Even Justin -- “It’s time to get my priorities straight” -- Bobby has given up the belching, started showering and has gotten a new ’do.

It’s back and here‘s the score: So far, Heidi is our Brenda Walsh, our Marisa Cooper, our peroxide-blond, big-boobed Joey Potter in this softly lit pseudo-reality show. Back on her Colorado home turf with mom and stepdad, her ice-cold glares alone gave Spencer the heave ho, sending him back to L.A. with no promises.

We have to hand it to Team Speidi: They are prime prime-time viewing, even when their relationship woes are already months old. (We don’t, however, view the “Higher” songstress as a “kind of feminist hero.” She is, after all, Still. With. Spencer.)

Lauren burned a ball gown (so not as exciting as it sounds), cried about it, and dissed a charming, albeit much older Frenchman. A French guitarist who would no doubt send Brody crying to Daddy Jenner for reinforcements. Team L this week stands for “lame.”

Paris, meanwhile, got the short shrift! Lauren’s weeklong stint as Teen Vogue whipping girl gave us glamour shots of the Eiffel Tower and little else to see besides the insides of hotels and nightclubs. (At least we know she and Whitney got tired of grunt work. We're getting tired of watching it.)

Still, Speidi's on the outs. Brody's about to get it. It's all good.

Here’s Monday night’s play-by-play:

Let the long wait begin...

On Wednesday, this sneak preview showed up on PerezHilton.com revealing that the world of MTV's "The Hills" as we know it has turned upside down.

From what we can tell from the trailer, when Season 3 picks up on March 24, fans can look forward to:

The reunion of Audrina and Heidi: Yes, that is Heidi entering Casa Audrina/Lauren. And yes, Audrina is welcoming her with a big hug.

The addition of the She-Pratt: Stephanie Pratt is joining the cast. She and Lauren will just so happen to share a class together. And not only that...

...Lauren and the She-Pratt will become friends: You can't script this stuff. Well, OK you can, and that's probably what's happened here. And we love it. "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" take note.

The return of Justin Bobby: He looks like a new man, too. Looking showered, hair in a neat ponytail, seeming, for once, to be the one pursuing Audrina.

The destruction of Speidi: So, this one is, as anyone who follows the tabloids knows, is likely for show. In the trailer, these two go at it constantly. It looks like Heidi is actually standing up for herself, giving Spencer a verbal beat-down several times. But as TMZ and US show us repeatedly, these two are very much still together.

The one lingering question that never seems to get answered: Why has Heidi's singing career never been addressed on "The Hills"? The video she and Spencer shot for her first single "Higher" has never been aired on MTV and the subject of her singing has never been brought up. We think its inclusion would only add to the comed... er, reality of the show.

Baby steps to March 24.... Baby steps to March 24....

--Denise Martin

Breaking news: This season of "The Hills" is not over yet. The series will unveil a batch of eight bonus episodes scheduled to roll out in March.

That's a good thing because while this past 18-episode season may have felt at times like overkill, Monday's anticlimactic finale begged for more. And by more, we mean it's time for "The Hills" to acknowledge just how famous these kids now are. Producers need to step up their game -- "Hills" fans won't be satisfied with old news. Just give us the juicy bits!

Indeed, there was nary a cliffhanger in sight during the season finale, which MTV heavily hyped Sunday with a "feature-length movie" made up of footage from all three seasons. To review: Teen Vogue granted Lauren a second chance at Paris, forcing her to bail on a seemingly budding romance with Brody, while a fed-up Heidi put the brakes on her wedding plans with Spencer.

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': Audrina gets fed up

Hmm, an odd stumble this season with a snoozefest of an episode. (Then again, it might be because I just watched "Gossip Girl" and OMG Serena killed someone?!)

Not enough Stephanie and too much of Heidi and Spencer looking like sad pandas instead of the scheming LC bashers I've come to love watching. Whitney and new fun boss Kelly Cutrone were also MIA.

Instead, we've got more of what we already learned last week: LC and Lo have, inadvertently or not, made Audrina the third wheel in their new living situation. To her credit, LC seemed to feel bad about it -- even though Lo seems to be making all the decisions for the pair. They shop when Lo wants. They eat when Lo wants.

Enter the reborn, newly shorn Justin Bobby. He's not as much fun as last season (yet), but we can all appreciate his encouraging Audrina to high-tail it outta there. She already knew Lo was uninterested in bonding -- her eye-rolling, giggling and blackberry disses are so not subtle -- and now Justin Bobby may just be helping her get that backbone she needs to make the leap.

Pack it on up and move it on out, Audrina.

POLL:

Audrina should...

a) Move out. Lo's totally rude and LC doesn't seem to mind.

b) Stick it out. You've got a gorgeous guest house to yourself. Ignore the blonds.

c) Move in with Justin Bobby. He's a new man!

--Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV)

What is it about Stephen Colletti that makes LC all weak in the knees? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it.

I may think LC’s not the kindest to Audrina -- she and Lo picked on her again for inviting Justin Bobby to their housewarming party -- but I wouldn’t wish her taste in guys on anyone. Stephen, Jason, Brody …she's not really into the winners.

And LC's been sprung so long on Stephen, even I’ll admit it tugs on my heartstrings. I get that he's cute in an aw-shucks kinda way,  but he did pick Kristin Cavallari over you, LC. Poor thing.

But then again, it’s not as though Stephen My-last-girlfriend-was-"Heroes"-star-Hayden-Panettiere Colletti never saw “Laguna Beach.” It’s not like both he and LC aren’t perfectly aware that she’d happily have thousands of “pretty babies” with him (as Lo likes to say) if he ever gave the word.

Might as well milk it, yeah? Give the people who watch “The Hills” what they want: more of LC’s unrequited love. If there’s anything LC does well, it’s play the luckless girl, right? Her best friend betrayed her, she falls for all the wrong guys. It fuels the show.

Do I believe her crush is 100% legit? Sure. Is it sad that she’s deigned to offer it up as good TV and nothing else? Well, yeah. As one LC sympathizer, a colleague at the Los Angeles Times, put it: “Is it Lauren’s fault that she loves too much?”

And so we have last night’s episode of “The Hills,” a collaboration between LC and the show’s producers titled “A Date With the Past.”  I say they collaborated because she does narrate these things, so she‘s clearly cool with playing up her unreturned affection.

Stephen plays dense so well too. He took LC on a friend-date to Il Cielo, which was voted as “the most romantic restaurant in L.A.” by Los Angeles magazine.

What did they talk about? About how all their silly friends and family wish the two would get it on already:

Audrina may not be the sharpest tool, but does she really need a “friend” like Lauren?

Lauren may get to narrate “The Hills,” but I think I speak for everyone when I say the series has turned on our fair narrator, who has reverted to a sniffling, green-eyed high schooler this season. (In fact, we’re going back to calling her by her high school nickname, LC, from now on.)

So without further ado, an open letter to LC …

LC, It’s time to move on. Heidi has. (And what kind of world are we living in when Heidi is the grown-up one?) We’re over LC vs. Heidi.

How is it fair for you, LC, to befriend Stephanie, sister of your sworn enemy Spencer, who once confronted you in a nightclub in defense of her brother, but Audrina can’t reunite with Heidi? I smell a hypocrite in these hills.

What’s worse, it seems as though everyone else around you is evolving. Heidi is Ms. Female Empowerment. Stephanie, our favorite “Hills” informant, sailed her olive branch over to you while letting Spencer crash in her apartment. Whitney matriculated from Teen Vogue (albeit to more grunt work). Brody got himself a new steady. Spencer’s giving Heidi her space (for the most part). Even Justin -- “It’s time to get my priorities straight” -- Bobby has given up the belching, started showering and has gotten a new ’do.

It’s back and here‘s the score: So far, Heidi is our Brenda Walsh, our Marisa Cooper, our peroxide-blond, big-boobed Joey Potter in this softly lit pseudo-reality show. Back on her Colorado home turf with mom and stepdad, her ice-cold glares alone gave Spencer the heave ho, sending him back to L.A. with no promises.

We have to hand it to Team Speidi: They are prime prime-time viewing, even when their relationship woes are already months old. (We don’t, however, view the “Higher” songstress as a “kind of feminist hero.” She is, after all, Still. With. Spencer.)

Lauren burned a ball gown (so not as exciting as it sounds), cried about it, and dissed a charming, albeit much older Frenchman. A French guitarist who would no doubt send Brody crying to Daddy Jenner for reinforcements. Team L this week stands for “lame.”

Paris, meanwhile, got the short shrift! Lauren’s weeklong stint as Teen Vogue whipping girl gave us glamour shots of the Eiffel Tower and little else to see besides the insides of hotels and nightclubs. (At least we know she and Whitney got tired of grunt work. We're getting tired of watching it.)

Still, Speidi's on the outs. Brody's about to get it. It's all good.

Here’s Monday night’s play-by-play:

Let the long wait begin...

On Wednesday, this sneak preview showed up on PerezHilton.com revealing that the world of MTV's "The Hills" as we know it has turned upside down.

From what we can tell from the trailer, when Season 3 picks up on March 24, fans can look forward to:

The reunion of Audrina and Heidi: Yes, that is Heidi entering Casa Audrina/Lauren. And yes, Audrina is welcoming her with a big hug.

The addition of the She-Pratt: Stephanie Pratt is joining the cast. She and Lauren will just so happen to share a class together. And not only that...

...Lauren and the She-Pratt will become friends: You can't script this stuff. Well, OK you can, and that's probably what's happened here. And we love it. "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" take note.

The return of Justin Bobby: He looks like a new man, too. Looking showered, hair in a neat ponytail, seeming, for once, to be the one pursuing Audrina.

The destruction of Speidi: So, this one is, as anyone who follows the tabloids knows, is likely for show. In the trailer, these two go at it constantly. It looks like Heidi is actually standing up for herself, giving Spencer a verbal beat-down several times. But as TMZ and US show us repeatedly, these two are very much still together.

The one lingering question that never seems to get answered: Why has Heidi's singing career never been addressed on "The Hills"? The video she and Spencer shot for her first single "Higher" has never been aired on MTV and the subject of her singing has never been brought up. We think its inclusion would only add to the comed... er, reality of the show.

Baby steps to March 24.... Baby steps to March 24....

--Denise Martin

Breaking news: This season of "The Hills" is not over yet. The series will unveil a batch of eight bonus episodes scheduled to roll out in March.

That's a good thing because while this past 18-episode season may have felt at times like overkill, Monday's anticlimactic finale begged for more. And by more, we mean it's time for "The Hills" to acknowledge just how famous these kids now are. Producers need to step up their game -- "Hills" fans won't be satisfied with old news. Just give us the juicy bits!

Indeed, there was nary a cliffhanger in sight during the season finale, which MTV heavily hyped Sunday with a "feature-length movie" made up of footage from all three seasons. To review: Teen Vogue granted Lauren a second chance at Paris, forcing her to bail on a seemingly budding romance with Brody, while a fed-up Heidi put the brakes on her wedding plans with Spencer.

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': There's something about Colletti

What is it about Stephen Colletti that makes LC all weak in the knees? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it.

I may think LC’s not the kindest to Audrina -- she and Lo picked on her again for inviting Justin Bobby to their housewarming party -- but I wouldn’t wish her taste in guys on anyone. Stephen, Jason, Brody …she's not really into the winners.

And LC's been sprung so long on Stephen, even I’ll admit it tugs on my heartstrings. I get that he's cute in an aw-shucks kinda way,  but he did pick Kristin Cavallari over you, LC. Poor thing.

But then again, it’s not as though Stephen My-last-girlfriend-was-"Heroes"-star-Hayden-Panettiere Colletti never saw “Laguna Beach.” It’s not like both he and LC aren’t perfectly aware that she’d happily have thousands of “pretty babies” with him (as Lo likes to say) if he ever gave the word.

Might as well milk it, yeah? Give the people who watch “The Hills” what they want: more of LC’s unrequited love. If there’s anything LC does well, it’s play the luckless girl, right? Her best friend betrayed her, she falls for all the wrong guys. It fuels the show.

Do I believe her crush is 100% legit? Sure. Is it sad that she’s deigned to offer it up as good TV and nothing else? Well, yeah. As one LC sympathizer, a colleague at the Los Angeles Times, put it: “Is it Lauren’s fault that she loves too much?”

And so we have last night’s episode of “The Hills,” a collaboration between LC and the show’s producers titled “A Date With the Past.”  I say they collaborated because she does narrate these things, so she‘s clearly cool with playing up her unreturned affection.

Stephen plays dense so well too. He took LC on a friend-date to Il Cielo, which was voted as “the most romantic restaurant in L.A.” by Los Angeles magazine.

What did they talk about? About how all their silly friends and family wish the two would get it on already:

Audrina may not be the sharpest tool, but does she really need a “friend” like Lauren?

Lauren may get to narrate “The Hills,” but I think I speak for everyone when I say the series has turned on our fair narrator, who has reverted to a sniffling, green-eyed high schooler this season. (In fact, we’re going back to calling her by her high school nickname, LC, from now on.)

So without further ado, an open letter to LC …

LC, It’s time to move on. Heidi has. (And what kind of world are we living in when Heidi is the grown-up one?) We’re over LC vs. Heidi.

How is it fair for you, LC, to befriend Stephanie, sister of your sworn enemy Spencer, who once confronted you in a nightclub in defense of her brother, but Audrina can’t reunite with Heidi? I smell a hypocrite in these hills.

What’s worse, it seems as though everyone else around you is evolving. Heidi is Ms. Female Empowerment. Stephanie, our favorite “Hills” informant, sailed her olive branch over to you while letting Spencer crash in her apartment. Whitney matriculated from Teen Vogue (albeit to more grunt work). Brody got himself a new steady. Spencer’s giving Heidi her space (for the most part). Even Justin -- “It’s time to get my priorities straight” -- Bobby has given up the belching, started showering and has gotten a new ’do.

It’s back and here‘s the score: So far, Heidi is our Brenda Walsh, our Marisa Cooper, our peroxide-blond, big-boobed Joey Potter in this softly lit pseudo-reality show. Back on her Colorado home turf with mom and stepdad, her ice-cold glares alone gave Spencer the heave ho, sending him back to L.A. with no promises.

We have to hand it to Team Speidi: They are prime prime-time viewing, even when their relationship woes are already months old. (We don’t, however, view the “Higher” songstress as a “kind of feminist hero.” She is, after all, Still. With. Spencer.)

Lauren burned a ball gown (so not as exciting as it sounds), cried about it, and dissed a charming, albeit much older Frenchman. A French guitarist who would no doubt send Brody crying to Daddy Jenner for reinforcements. Team L this week stands for “lame.”

Paris, meanwhile, got the short shrift! Lauren’s weeklong stint as Teen Vogue whipping girl gave us glamour shots of the Eiffel Tower and little else to see besides the insides of hotels and nightclubs. (At least we know she and Whitney got tired of grunt work. We're getting tired of watching it.)

Still, Speidi's on the outs. Brody's about to get it. It's all good.

Here’s Monday night’s play-by-play:

Let the long wait begin...

On Wednesday, this sneak preview showed up on PerezHilton.com revealing that the world of MTV's "The Hills" as we know it has turned upside down.

From what we can tell from the trailer, when Season 3 picks up on March 24, fans can look forward to:

The reunion of Audrina and Heidi: Yes, that is Heidi entering Casa Audrina/Lauren. And yes, Audrina is welcoming her with a big hug.

The addition of the She-Pratt: Stephanie Pratt is joining the cast. She and Lauren will just so happen to share a class together. And not only that...

...Lauren and the She-Pratt will become friends: You can't script this stuff. Well, OK you can, and that's probably what's happened here. And we love it. "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" take note.

The return of Justin Bobby: He looks like a new man, too. Looking showered, hair in a neat ponytail, seeming, for once, to be the one pursuing Audrina.

The destruction of Speidi: So, this one is, as anyone who follows the tabloids knows, is likely for show. In the trailer, these two go at it constantly. It looks like Heidi is actually standing up for herself, giving Spencer a verbal beat-down several times. But as TMZ and US show us repeatedly, these two are very much still together.

The one lingering question that never seems to get answered: Why has Heidi's singing career never been addressed on "The Hills"? The video she and Spencer shot for her first single "Higher" has never been aired on MTV and the subject of her singing has never been brought up. We think its inclusion would only add to the comed... er, reality of the show.

Baby steps to March 24.... Baby steps to March 24....

--Denise Martin

Breaking news: This season of "The Hills" is not over yet. The series will unveil a batch of eight bonus episodes scheduled to roll out in March.

That's a good thing because while this past 18-episode season may have felt at times like overkill, Monday's anticlimactic finale begged for more. And by more, we mean it's time for "The Hills" to acknowledge just how famous these kids now are. Producers need to step up their game -- "Hills" fans won't be satisfied with old news. Just give us the juicy bits!

Indeed, there was nary a cliffhanger in sight during the season finale, which MTV heavily hyped Sunday with a "feature-length movie" made up of footage from all three seasons. To review: Teen Vogue granted Lauren a second chance at Paris, forcing her to bail on a seemingly budding romance with Brody, while a fed-up Heidi put the brakes on her wedding plans with Spencer.

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': With friends like these ...

Audrina may not be the sharpest tool, but does she really need a “friend” like Lauren?

Lauren may get to narrate “The Hills,” but I think I speak for everyone when I say the series has turned on our fair narrator, who has reverted to a sniffling, green-eyed high schooler this season. (In fact, we’re going back to calling her by her high school nickname, LC, from now on.)

So without further ado, an open letter to LC …

LC, It’s time to move on. Heidi has. (And what kind of world are we living in when Heidi is the grown-up one?) We’re over LC vs. Heidi.

How is it fair for you, LC, to befriend Stephanie, sister of your sworn enemy Spencer, who once confronted you in a nightclub in defense of her brother, but Audrina can’t reunite with Heidi? I smell a hypocrite in these hills.

What’s worse, it seems as though everyone else around you is evolving. Heidi is Ms. Female Empowerment. Stephanie, our favorite “Hills” informant, sailed her olive branch over to you while letting Spencer crash in her apartment. Whitney matriculated from Teen Vogue (albeit to more grunt work). Brody got himself a new steady. Spencer’s giving Heidi her space (for the most part). Even Justin -- “It’s time to get my priorities straight” -- Bobby has given up the belching, started showering and has gotten a new ’do.

It’s back and here‘s the score: So far, Heidi is our Brenda Walsh, our Marisa Cooper, our peroxide-blond, big-boobed Joey Potter in this softly lit pseudo-reality show. Back on her Colorado home turf with mom and stepdad, her ice-cold glares alone gave Spencer the heave ho, sending him back to L.A. with no promises.

We have to hand it to Team Speidi: They are prime prime-time viewing, even when their relationship woes are already months old. (We don’t, however, view the “Higher” songstress as a “kind of feminist hero.” She is, after all, Still. With. Spencer.)

Lauren burned a ball gown (so not as exciting as it sounds), cried about it, and dissed a charming, albeit much older Frenchman. A French guitarist who would no doubt send Brody crying to Daddy Jenner for reinforcements. Team L this week stands for “lame.”

Paris, meanwhile, got the short shrift! Lauren’s weeklong stint as Teen Vogue whipping girl gave us glamour shots of the Eiffel Tower and little else to see besides the insides of hotels and nightclubs. (At least we know she and Whitney got tired of grunt work. We're getting tired of watching it.)

Still, Speidi's on the outs. Brody's about to get it. It's all good.

Here’s Monday night’s play-by-play:

Let the long wait begin...

On Wednesday, this sneak preview showed up on PerezHilton.com revealing that the world of MTV's "The Hills" as we know it has turned upside down.

From what we can tell from the trailer, when Season 3 picks up on March 24, fans can look forward to:

The reunion of Audrina and Heidi: Yes, that is Heidi entering Casa Audrina/Lauren. And yes, Audrina is welcoming her with a big hug.

The addition of the She-Pratt: Stephanie Pratt is joining the cast. She and Lauren will just so happen to share a class together. And not only that...

...Lauren and the She-Pratt will become friends: You can't script this stuff. Well, OK you can, and that's probably what's happened here. And we love it. "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" take note.

The return of Justin Bobby: He looks like a new man, too. Looking showered, hair in a neat ponytail, seeming, for once, to be the one pursuing Audrina.

The destruction of Speidi: So, this one is, as anyone who follows the tabloids knows, is likely for show. In the trailer, these two go at it constantly. It looks like Heidi is actually standing up for herself, giving Spencer a verbal beat-down several times. But as TMZ and US show us repeatedly, these two are very much still together.

The one lingering question that never seems to get answered: Why has Heidi's singing career never been addressed on "The Hills"? The video she and Spencer shot for her first single "Higher" has never been aired on MTV and the subject of her singing has never been brought up. We think its inclusion would only add to the comed... er, reality of the show.

Baby steps to March 24.... Baby steps to March 24....

--Denise Martin

Breaking news: This season of "The Hills" is not over yet. The series will unveil a batch of eight bonus episodes scheduled to roll out in March.

That's a good thing because while this past 18-episode season may have felt at times like overkill, Monday's anticlimactic finale begged for more. And by more, we mean it's time for "The Hills" to acknowledge just how famous these kids now are. Producers need to step up their game -- "Hills" fans won't be satisfied with old news. Just give us the juicy bits!

Indeed, there was nary a cliffhanger in sight during the season finale, which MTV heavily hyped Sunday with a "feature-length movie" made up of footage from all three seasons. To review: Teen Vogue granted Lauren a second chance at Paris, forcing her to bail on a seemingly budding romance with Brody, while a fed-up Heidi put the brakes on her wedding plans with Spencer.

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': We're loving Heidi ... just don't call her a 'feminist hero'

It’s back and here‘s the score: So far, Heidi is our Brenda Walsh, our Marisa Cooper, our peroxide-blond, big-boobed Joey Potter in this softly lit pseudo-reality show. Back on her Colorado home turf with mom and stepdad, her ice-cold glares alone gave Spencer the heave ho, sending him back to L.A. with no promises.

We have to hand it to Team Speidi: They are prime prime-time viewing, even when their relationship woes are already months old. (We don’t, however, view the “Higher” songstress as a “kind of feminist hero.” She is, after all, Still. With. Spencer.)

Lauren burned a ball gown (so not as exciting as it sounds), cried about it, and dissed a charming, albeit much older Frenchman. A French guitarist who would no doubt send Brody crying to Daddy Jenner for reinforcements. Team L this week stands for “lame.”

Paris, meanwhile, got the short shrift! Lauren’s weeklong stint as Teen Vogue whipping girl gave us glamour shots of the Eiffel Tower and little else to see besides the insides of hotels and nightclubs. (At least we know she and Whitney got tired of grunt work. We're getting tired of watching it.)

Still, Speidi's on the outs. Brody's about to get it. It's all good.

Here’s Monday night’s play-by-play:

Let the long wait begin...

On Wednesday, this sneak preview showed up on PerezHilton.com revealing that the world of MTV's "The Hills" as we know it has turned upside down.

From what we can tell from the trailer, when Season 3 picks up on March 24, fans can look forward to:

The reunion of Audrina and Heidi: Yes, that is Heidi entering Casa Audrina/Lauren. And yes, Audrina is welcoming her with a big hug.

The addition of the She-Pratt: Stephanie Pratt is joining the cast. She and Lauren will just so happen to share a class together. And not only that...

...Lauren and the She-Pratt will become friends: You can't script this stuff. Well, OK you can, and that's probably what's happened here. And we love it. "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" take note.

The return of Justin Bobby: He looks like a new man, too. Looking showered, hair in a neat ponytail, seeming, for once, to be the one pursuing Audrina.

The destruction of Speidi: So, this one is, as anyone who follows the tabloids knows, is likely for show. In the trailer, these two go at it constantly. It looks like Heidi is actually standing up for herself, giving Spencer a verbal beat-down several times. But as TMZ and US show us repeatedly, these two are very much still together.

The one lingering question that never seems to get answered: Why has Heidi's singing career never been addressed on "The Hills"? The video she and Spencer shot for her first single "Higher" has never been aired on MTV and the subject of her singing has never been brought up. We think its inclusion would only add to the comed... er, reality of the show.

Baby steps to March 24.... Baby steps to March 24....

--Denise Martin

Breaking news: This season of "The Hills" is not over yet. The series will unveil a batch of eight bonus episodes scheduled to roll out in March.

That's a good thing because while this past 18-episode season may have felt at times like overkill, Monday's anticlimactic finale begged for more. And by more, we mean it's time for "The Hills" to acknowledge just how famous these kids now are. Producers need to step up their game -- "Hills" fans won't be satisfied with old news. Just give us the juicy bits!

Indeed, there was nary a cliffhanger in sight during the season finale, which MTV heavily hyped Sunday with a "feature-length movie" made up of footage from all three seasons. To review: Teen Vogue granted Lauren a second chance at Paris, forcing her to bail on a seemingly budding romance with Brody, while a fed-up Heidi put the brakes on her wedding plans with Spencer.

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': Countdown to March 24

Let the long wait begin...

On Wednesday, this sneak preview showed up on PerezHilton.com revealing that the world of MTV's "The Hills" as we know it has turned upside down.

From what we can tell from the trailer, when Season 3 picks up on March 24, fans can look forward to:

The reunion of Audrina and Heidi: Yes, that is Heidi entering Casa Audrina/Lauren. And yes, Audrina is welcoming her with a big hug.

The addition of the She-Pratt: Stephanie Pratt is joining the cast. She and Lauren will just so happen to share a class together. And not only that...

...Lauren and the She-Pratt will become friends: You can't script this stuff. Well, OK you can, and that's probably what's happened here. And we love it. "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" take note.

The return of Justin Bobby: He looks like a new man, too. Looking showered, hair in a neat ponytail, seeming, for once, to be the one pursuing Audrina.

The destruction of Speidi: So, this one is, as anyone who follows the tabloids knows, is likely for show. In the trailer, these two go at it constantly. It looks like Heidi is actually standing up for herself, giving Spencer a verbal beat-down several times. But as TMZ and US show us repeatedly, these two are very much still together.

The one lingering question that never seems to get answered: Why has Heidi's singing career never been addressed on "The Hills"? The video she and Spencer shot for her first single "Higher" has never been aired on MTV and the subject of her singing has never been brought up. We think its inclusion would only add to the comed... er, reality of the show.

Baby steps to March 24.... Baby steps to March 24....

--Denise Martin

Breaking news: This season of "The Hills" is not over yet. The series will unveil a batch of eight bonus episodes scheduled to roll out in March.

That's a good thing because while this past 18-episode season may have felt at times like overkill, Monday's anticlimactic finale begged for more. And by more, we mean it's time for "The Hills" to acknowledge just how famous these kids now are. Producers need to step up their game -- "Hills" fans won't be satisfied with old news. Just give us the juicy bits!

Indeed, there was nary a cliffhanger in sight during the season finale, which MTV heavily hyped Sunday with a "feature-length movie" made up of footage from all three seasons. To review: Teen Vogue granted Lauren a second chance at Paris, forcing her to bail on a seemingly budding romance with Brody, while a fed-up Heidi put the brakes on her wedding plans with Spencer.

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': It's not over yet ...

Breaking news: This season of "The Hills" is not over yet. The series will unveil a batch of eight bonus episodes scheduled to roll out in March.

That's a good thing because while this past 18-episode season may have felt at times like overkill, Monday's anticlimactic finale begged for more. And by more, we mean it's time for "The Hills" to acknowledge just how famous these kids now are. Producers need to step up their game -- "Hills" fans won't be satisfied with old news. Just give us the juicy bits!

Indeed, there was nary a cliffhanger in sight during the season finale, which MTV heavily hyped Sunday with a "feature-length movie" made up of footage from all three seasons. To review: Teen Vogue granted Lauren a second chance at Paris, forcing her to bail on a seemingly budding romance with Brody, while a fed-up Heidi put the brakes on her wedding plans with Spencer.

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

"The Hills," Funny or Die style

Funnyordie.com has posted a laser-precise parody of MTV's not-really-reality show "The Hills." The clip, apparently Judd Apatow & Co.'s contribution to the temporary genre of writers strike comedy, features Mila Kunis as Audrina Patridge, engaged in a recreated "Hills" conversation (i.e. where plenty of words are exchanged but no information) with ex-bf Justin (James Franco). 

"You gotta do the uh . . . rice with the fork," Justin advises Audrina as they eat Chinese food.  But soon they delve into more personal territory, such as just how to categorize their relationship. Justin is, perhaps understandably, wary of commitment.

"It's like when you make -- when you put statements . . . you'll be gone," he explains solemnly.  "Like, I don't like that."

The video ends with a sort of PSA message, reminding the public: "Without writers . . . there's only reality."

--David Sarno

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': At a standstill

Justin Bobby does burp impressively ... but let's skip ahead to the good stuff.

Apparently we all -- Heidi included -- have settled on the idea that Spencer, and probably Spencer alone, instigated those friendship-squashing Lauren-Jason sex tape rumors.

And as Lauren told Heidi during last night's episode of "The Hills," we can all understand that Heidi loves Spencer in all of his toothy, demonic glory.  We also know that clearly Heidi loves Lauren.

So what's Lauren to do?  Forgive and forget?  Not exactly.  Lauren's reinterpretation of the old cliche -- "I want to forgive you and then I want to forget you" -- is, how shall we say, less about mending fences than about cutting Heidi out of her life.

But again, the main problem with "The Hills" is that it is always two steps behind real time. A recent report in Star alleges that Lauren and Heidi may in fact be best buds once again.

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': Earth to Heidi . . .

Who else thinks it's time Heidi woke up? Last night's episode was almost sad, watching her share the excitement of turning 21 with random Bolthouse intern No. 340983. And even Bolthouse intern No. 340983 found her birthday plans -- dinner with who else? Spencer -- rather lame.

Doesn't she miss having friends? Or going out to party? She and Spencer (both pictured) practically live at their favorite Mexican restaurant and their apartment. We're not sure she even really has a job.

Heidi, look what Spencer's done to you. Do you want to keep resorting to crappy stunts like this?
I'll cut to the chase. You're friendless, jobless and he apparently convinced you that this was a good idea. (We're sure those sex tapes rumors that you guys probably started were Spencer's idea too.)

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': Fake or not? Does it matter?

An "is it scripted or isn't it?" storm is brewing around this season of "The Hills."

Some sloppy editing in recent episodes, reported in several newspapers and blogs, have raised the question, and last week an online expose by series "star" Lauren's onetime date Gavin Beasley sent "Hills" fans into a tizzy trying to figure it out.

MTV has always 'fessed to so-called pickup shots, staged scenes that address issues of continuity and not storylines. But no one at the network will talk about the bomb that dropped Thursday, when an interview surfaced with Beasley that divulged the level of manipulation that goes on in "The Hills." (Interestingly, the interview was conducted with the blog www.BestWeekEver.TV, a product of an MTV sister network. "Et tu, VH1?")

The network declined to comment on the posting, perhaps the most incriminating evidence yet to surface supporting the -- let's face it -- fairly obvious allegation that the show's drama is largely manufactured by its producers. Beasley divulged behind-the-scenes details of his cameo, including how the producers asked him to get Lauren's phone number and listed questions he should ask her during their scene. "They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that," Beasley says.

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': The big tease

One minute and fifty-two seconds. That is how long Jason's much-hyped appearance lasted during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Jason had just come from his morning group meeting. We assumed he meant AA or rehab. He and Lauren, who apparently had not communicated since the breakup that kicked off Season 2, exchanged small talk before Jason, in his own way, cut to the chase and lamented the end. 

"It was hard. It was weird. I was out of control. I had some bad habits," he said. Yeah. Tell us about it. "It's just hard to get over."

"I know," Lauren said.

And, for now, that was it.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': Breaking up isn't easy

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore? Justin and Cameron. Heath and Michelle. Lauren and Heidi. And now ...

Brody and Spencer.

It's hard to believe. The two were so close, concocting plans to take over the pages of US Weekly, one Hollywood starlet at a time.

And the two go way back, having known each other as kids. Spencer, pictured, even claims an "executive producer" credit -- with inexplicable pride -- for the short-lived Fox reality series "Princes of Malibu," which followed the pampered life of Brody and his brothers, the stepsons of pop ballad producer David Foster. (We're not sure, but we think maybe Spencer and Brody make amends later on. After all, Foster is being credited as a producer on Heidi's forthcoming solo album.)

But Brody's budding friendship with his ex-girlfriend Lauren has caused the pair to part ways.

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': Where are all the men?

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': Standing up to Spencer vs. the Ballad of Justin Bobby

Sorry, Lauren. In this week's double-header, the Heidi-Spencer Show wins hands down over the Lauren-Audrina Show.

Heidi finally -- finally! -- pulled rank on Spencer and whitewashed his colorful spray-painted ode to Hollywood, a gift more for himself than a surprise for Heidi. We forgave her poor taste in engagement rings -- what is that monstrosity on her finger anyway? -- for that unexpected throwdown. Perhaps Spencer's second "surprise," a vintage arcade game in their dining room, put her over the edge. Whatever the case, it's about friggin' time.

Side note: Some of that backbone might have benefited Heidi during the making of her upcoming album. Her song "Body Language," which she and Spencer are now claiming is not her first single but a song that was mistakenly leaked to Ryan Seacrest, features a guest rap by her K-Fed-in-the-making fiance-manager.

Heidi. Must. Put. Foot. Down. More. Often.

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': You gotta hear this

Heidi and Spencer took time away from their busy tabloid-squatting schedule to visit Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show and premiere Heidi's first single, "Body Language." That's right, if you weren't aware (but we're sure you were), Heidi doesn't just double-cross her friends and keep unwanteds out of nightclubs. She's sings.

Check out a clip of the song here on TMZ.com. And yes, that is toothy fiance Spencer rapping, or something approximating rapping, at the end of the clip. As if that "Hollywood" mural in his apartment didn't say it all ...

Heidi, of course, is not the only starlet to confuse her fame with actual musical ability. Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Panettiere ... girls, not everyone is meant to sing.

-- Denise Martin

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."

'The Hills': 'You're a sad, pathetic person!'

We all know how this ends.  There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi.

The two can't be at the same photo shoot these days. (Scroll all the way down to see Heidi, flying solo, new chest, new nose.)  She and fiance Spencer have been on a whirlwind media tour in recent weeks, blasting the bitter Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the happy couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the catfight that erupted in Monday's two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the "spoilers" that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you'd get on "All My Children."