'The Bachelorette' recap: Emily's true love -- Dolly Parton?

OK, so this was the least painful episode of "The Bachelorette" yet this season. But it included a visit to Dollywood. So, obviously.

That's right. Dolly Parton herself made an appearance on "The Bach" this week, and her glitter and ample cleavage and bedazzled gloves temporarily made this season bearable. Unlike the men vying for Emily's affection, Dolly was also the only person capable of bringing some personality out of our leading lady. 

In case you missed it, Emily is from North Carolina, which means she listens exclusively to country music like Gloriana and Luke Bryan and other people you've barely heard of who need to plug a new album on the show. It also means that she worships Dolly Parton and grew up visiting the musician's Tennessee theme park, Dollywood. So on her one-on-one date with race-car driver Arie — totally my new fave, by the way — the pair flew to the park. They played carnival games to win prizes for Ricki Tick, obv. Emily white-knuckled her way through a roller-coaster ride. And then they visited the old theater on the premises where — shocker! — Dolly walked out in some killer boots and surprised the couple on stage.

Emily proceeded to freak out, acting for the first time all season like a human being while repeating "I could die" 3,000 times and covering her mouth in awe. 

"Surprised? At Dollywood?" Dolly asked Emily, shocked that she didn't pick up on the beyond-obvious setup.

Dolly then lived up to every little girl's dream by acting like the coolest fairy godmother ever, asking Emily to sit down for a "girl chat" and imparting her wisdom about her 45-year marriage. Poor Arie was totally overshadowed, but redeemed himself later that night at dinner by playing right into her father fantasy. Oh, yes, Arie had dated a woman with not one but two children, and when they broke up he didn't miss his ex, he just missed her kids. You could practically see Emily salivating at the mouth.

"I don't have a whole lot of talents," she smiled. "But I am a good mom."

Really selling yourself there, sweetheart. Vom.

Anyway, Emily and Arie appear to have the most chemistry so far, and I like that he doesn't look as if he's on steroids or cry in alleyways because he misses his kid. Oh, right. That happened. Single-dad Tony left a group date to fret over leaving his 5-year-old son behind for the show. In theory, that's sweet. Except that when he called his kid, the boy barely seemed to register that daddio was gone and seemed confused by a game in which Tony referred to himself as Joker and his son as Batman. 

"Do you miss daddy at all? Do you miss me, buddy?" Tony pleaded desperately into the cellphone, welling up and pressing his head against the dirty bricks in the alley. Thankfully, Emily sent him packing, saying "she would never be able to forgive herself" if she kept him around while he was missing his child — in other words, he was weird-looking, and dudes who cry in alleyways are unattractive. 

Miss Emily does certainly seem to know what she's searching for looks-wise, as she nearly jumped Chris' bones during their one-on-one date. Am I the only one who doesn't find this guy hunkalicious? I guess he kind of has that strong-jawed Brad Womack thing going for him, which clearly revs Emily's engine. 

"If I saw you across the bar, I would not talk to you. I would be too nervous to talk to you," she told Chris, before learning he's only 25 years old. That's right: 25. A whole year younger than Emily. Even though she said she's always dated older guys, Emily was willing to overlook Chris' youth because he's so damn good — I mean, mature. 

Meanwhile, on the episode's group date at the park, Emily — clad in quite the revealing top and shredded Daisy Dukes — brought out a group of her "friends" to size up a handful of her suitors. Most of Emily's girlfriends all looked suspiciously older than her — we're talking, like, 40 or so. In fact, one guy was so perplexed upon seeing the group of women in the park that he asked: "Are we getting manicures?"

Yes, dude. A group of nail artists are waiting to give you gel manis in the sandbox.

In retrospect, I guess that's not that bizarre of an idea, considering what actually proceeded to happen: A bunch of random children bounded onto the playground and were told to frolic with the men. That's right. Some random North Carolina residents allowed their youngsters to climb the jungle gym and hop down the slide while being chaperoned by strange men on a reality television show so Emily could witness their parenting skills. Totally normal.

Oh, this episode was just jam-packed with awkward moments. There was the time that Ryan told Emily — IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS — that he'd be upset if she got fat after they got married. The moment when Kalon — after talking incessantly — slammed Emily down in conversation, telling her condescendingly: "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish." 

And then there was Alessandro, whose first and final words on the show were uttered this episode: "Compromise." Oh no, nothing was lost in translation when the Brazilian told Emily he viewed taking on a wife with a kid as a compromise, since it would mean he couldn't travel for his job as a grain merchant. This is a gypsy man who sells barley and quinoa, my friends. You can't tie him down.

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— Amy Kaufman

twitter.com/AmyKinLA

Photo: Dolly Parton performs for Arie and Emily on "The Bachelorette." Credit: ABC

'The Bachelorette' recap: Even Kermit can't save bland Emily

"I've never been called 'boring' in my everyday life."

Those, my friends, were words uttered by our new "Bachelorette" Emily Maynard just last week, following the premiere of the new season when many critics labeled her too bland.

Emily, I've got news for 'ya, honey: You are boring. Painfully, horribly, soul-shatteringly boring. So boring that even the Muppets can't save you. 

Seriously, people. I've logged a lot of hours watching this show, and there were many times when I didn't think I'd be able to make it through an entire season. (Things got especially dark during the days of Jake and Vienna, but let's not bring back bad memories.) But hoo-boy, Emily is a whole different animal. I'm not sure if it's the move from Hollywood to North Carolina, or the fact that Emily, being a single mom, makes it feel like everyone is walking on eggshells, but I am not digging this season so far.

Emily's first one-on-one date with Ryan was the least excruciating part of Monday's episode, and even so, it wasn't exactly tantalizing. Ryan went over to Emily's house to bake cookies for Ricki's soccer game. He put on a flowery apron and made a misogynistic comment how he needed to "get back to being a man" after the experience. It was clear Emily had the reins on the date, however, as she proceeded to drive to Ricki's soccer game to distribute said cookies and ask Ryan to wait in the car for a good 10 minutes while he literally slurped on a leftover juice box. FUN DATE!

Things got more standard "Bachelorette" later when Emily changed into a va-va-voom red dress and picked Ryan up for dinner in a show-provided Aston Martin. When they arrived at a local North Carolina restaurant, there was a crowd of people awkwardly waiting to cheer on their "hometown hero." A red carpet had even been rolled out. 

"I feel like we're all friends," Emily said of the locals. This from the chick who says she only ventures outside her tony home to go grocery shopping or take a jewelry-making class through her church. She's a woman of the people!

Inside, Emily wasted no time before she began grilling Ryan. Wait, but what's his profession? What's his relationship with his family? Does he prefer chocolate or vanilla? No matter! Emily wants to know if this guy is ready for her to pop out 50 more babies in the next few years and settle down in good ol' North Carolina.

"I've learned that I don't like when the girl just comes to me. I have to really step out of my own comfort zone and really pursue this woman," Ryan told Emily of his dating history.
This did not fly with Princess Emily.

"You say you want to chase after a girl, but it can't be cat-and-mouse forever," she cautioned, sending him a stony glare. "That's my biggest fear going through all this — is that people will see it as a game, like, 'Oh, I won.'"

Uh, you signed up for the wrong show, sweetheart. But hey, let's forget the fact that these two have absolutely no chemistry and send them outside to dance to a country band I've never heard of. Emily says she feels like Ryan is a bit "too perfect" and reminds her of Brad — a comparison I don't think could be more off — but she gives him a rose anyway.

And then came Kermit and Miss Piggy. Yes. Despite the fact that there is no new Muppets movie to promote, the puppets popped up at a charity event Emily brought a group of guys to, and it was horrid. There were scripted bits about Miss Piggy getting jealous of Kermit eyeing Emily. Miss Piggy talked about how attractive Emily's suitors were. Chris Harrison even chimed in from the crowd with Statler.

I get it! Emily has a kid! But does that mean we have to make the entire show even more saccharine than it already is? Other things happened on the group date, but I refuse to write about them because I will not encourage this type of behavior, show producers.

Time for the next one-on-one, which was given to Joe. The pair flew off on a private jet to Emily's home state of West Virginia, where they went on a date at the historic Greenbrier Resort & Hotel. I once went on vacation there with my family, and let me assure you, it was boring. Just like Emily's date.

Over dinner, Emily set her claws into Joe, asking him about his life plan.

"In five years, I see myself happy with no regrets — and as far as career-wise and relationship-wise, at the end of this, if it's you and I standing, I'll pack my bags and go wherever you ask me to go," he explained.

Blasphemy! You don't have a specific life plan? You're willing to do what Emily wants? Goner.

Emily tried to let Joe down softly, but then she began crying because she has real emotions and can't bear to hurt anyone's feelings and is perfect. It didn't work, and he probably hates her now.

Until next week. If I haven't gouged my eyes out by then.

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— Amy Kaufman

twitter.com/AmyKinLA

Photo: Emily Maynard performs with Kermit the Frog. Credit: ABC

'Bachelorette' Emily Maynard: 'I've never been called boring'

Almost immediately after the premiere of "The Bachelorette" on Monday, fans of the show -- including yours truly -- began expressing concern about our new leading lady.

Not only does the blonde Southern Belle look like a Barbie doll, but she often seems to act like one as well. That is: She comes across as stiff, and sometimes inauthentic.

In a conference call with journalists Wednesday, Maynard responded to the criticism, saying she's "never been called 'boring' in [her] everyday life."

Maynard, 26, is the first single mother to ever be cast as "The Bachelorette"; the father of her 6-year-old daughter, Ricki, was killed in tragic plane crash just days before Maynard found out she was pregnant. Subsequently, Maynard's role as a mother is being played up heavily this season. In the opening montages of the premiere episode, we saw her spending nearly all of her free time with Ricki.

While Maynard says "there's a lot more to [her] than just being a mom," she admitted that the majority of her days are spent "just running errands and doing mom stuff." Asked what she does for fun, she said she takes a jewelry class through her church and mentors a girl at a school in a low-income neighborhood.

Meanwhile, Maynard has also taken heat for featuring her daughter on the show -- a critique that former "Bachelor" and single father Jason Mesnick largely was not subject to.

"I definitely felt like there was a little bit of a double standard with Jason," she acknowledged. "People will see that Ricki's life was not really affected at all. I got to spend a lot of time with her and take her to school and do all my mom stuff. Plus, she got to travel the world. ... She was very protected throughout the entire process."

Even though her season has now completed production, Maynard would reveal little about her romantic status.

"I am really happy," she said cheerily. "I was happy before I went on the show, but I'm really happy now, just having gone through it and just learning so much about myself."

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'The Bachelorette' host: Emily's season is 'drastically different'

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--Amy Kaufman

twitter.com/AmyKinLA

Photo: Emily Maynard is "The Bachelorette." Credit: ABC

'The Bachelorette' recap: Single-mom Emily Maynard meets her men

Heading into this season of "The Bachelorette," host Chris Harrison warned fans that the show featuring Emily Maynard would be "drastically different" than any that have come before.

Indeed, there are plenty of obvious changes: Emily, who broke off her engagement to former "Bachelor" Brad Womack last year, didn't head to the show's gaudy mansion in Hollywood to kick off her season. Instead, the program's producers allowed the blond to stay in her hometown of Charlotte, N.C. as to not uproot her 6-year-old daughter, Ricki. Emily, of course, is the first single mother ever to be at the center of "The Bachelorette"; Ricki's dad, a NASCAR driver, died in a tragic accident only days before Emily found out she was pregnant with their child.

Despite those shifts, there were still plenty of standard "Bachelorette" conventions during the show's first episode Monday night. Of course, we had a handful of contrived, gimmicky entrances from Emily's 25 would-be husbands. Lots of awkward, forced chatter at the introductory cocktail party, followed by way-too-early declarations of love for Emily after mere hours of meeting her. And just a lot of hideous facial hair.

As for Emily, even after watching her on Brad's season, I'd forgotten how drop-dead this chick is. She's like some genetically perfect Southern-belle, beauty-queen Barbie that I'm still not sure can actually exist in real life. And let's just say I thought the guys equaling her attractiveness level were, well, scant.

While Emily may have the dudes beat on the hotness scale, the majority of the men seemed far more at ease socially than she. Though the initial meetings are always slightly uncomfortable to watch, I found this season's introductions particularly excruciating. I'm sure she was nervous, but Emily barely offered up any personality while greeting the men, dropping the phrases "Awesome!" and "Gaw-lee!" three-zillion-and-a-half times.

In general, the whole vibe of the show was far less fun than usual. Listen, I get that Emily's a single mom, so we're not going to get the montage of her running on the beach and flaunting her body. But how about showing her with some friends or something? Isn't she supposedly 26 years old? The program painted her out to be a total spinster. 

There she was, telling little Ricki Tick to "get all the sugar buds" out while brushing her teeth. Playing with Ricki in the park. And then tucking Ricki in when she went to bed at 7:30. (Do kids really go to bed at 7:30?!? Golly.) Plus, all we learned about her hopes and dreams for herself is that she wants a "minivan full of babies." It just seemed a tad one-dimensional, and I wish we could have seen some of her job, or any evidence that she has a life outside of her daughter.

The guys, too, seemed even more earnest than average. Sure, there were the requisite attention-seekers — Kalon, some Richie Rich who arrived at the mansion in a helicopter, and rock-star wannabe David, whose song for Emily consisted of only one lyric: "Emily." But the majority of the men seemed relatively serious, repeatedly telling Emily how she was gorgeous and beautiful and strong and made of rays of golden sunshine. 

In a huge surprise, Emily gave the evening's first-impression rose to single-dad Doug, after he handed Emily a letter his son "wrote" for her. Yes, I am sure your 11-year-old penned an opus extolling the virtues of a woman he's never met. Doug probably has a pretty good shot of making it far this season, as does Chris. A corporate sales director from Illinois, Chris dropped numerous religious references upon meeting Emily, and when he gave her bobble heads of the two of them he'd somehow procured, she found the gag cute instead of creepy. 

Another dude Emily seemed to like was Jef, a guy with a pompadour who gets clean water to Third World countries who arrived on a skateboard. I wanted to hate this man with his terrible hair, but he actually seemed pretty sweet. My only hesitation about him for Emily is that he's relatively scrawny, and Emily seems to like the more strapping Brad-types. Like Ryan, a former professional football player. While Ryan was also having some hair problems — his locks were kind of spiked up in the middle of his head — he pulled a relatively cute stunt upon arriving: He told Emily he wrote out some notes, and then pulled a paper that read "You're so beautiful" on one side and "I'm so nervous" on the other. 

Meanwhile, I was inclined to dislike Arie, a race-car driver, because it seemed all too convenient that the show's producers would set Emily up with someone who has the same job as her late fiancé. But Arie was pretty down-to-earth, expressing his nerves and telling Emily up front about his job.

As is typical for me after the first episode of a season, I'm still not sold on our newest protagonist. While Emily may be perfectly sweet and a great mother, she didn't exactly dazzle me with her wit and charm. Still, I'm holding out hope that she isn't actually as fake as her impeccable veneers. 

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Photo: "The Bachelorette," Emily Maynard, greets her suitors on the first night of the season. Credit: ABC

'The Bachelorette' host: Emily's season is 'drastically different'

The men who compete for "The Bachelorette" often seem more interested in booze-soaked free trips to exotic locations and their 15 minutes of fame than the possibility of true love.

Not so this season, which will see the return of Emily Maynard, the Southern Belle and one-time fiancee to past "Bachelor" Brad Womack. Maynard, a 26-year-old from North Carolina, won the sympathies of viewers during Womack's season after she revealed her high school sweetheart, a race car driver, had tragically died in a plane crash. Days after his death, she learned she was pregnant with their daughter, Ricki, now six.

Because she's a single mother, the show's producers agreed to film a portion of the upcoming season in Maynard's hometown, as opposed to the infamously gaudy Bachelor pad in Los Angeles. Contestants coming onto the show were also informed that they'd be vying for Emily's affections in an effort to weed out less serious-minded contestants. The result? A season "that's drastically different than anything we've ever done," says host Chris Harrison.

"Her being a single mom definitely changed the tone," Harrison said during a conference call with journalists Wednesday. "Throughout the show, there was always just that underlying issue of, she's a mom, and is the guy ready?"

There's also less of what Harrison described as "frat-house humor" that has popped up in season's past -- less of the "superficial drama," he said.

While that may be true, the show's producers have already come under fire for casting a race car driver, Arie -- which many view as a cheap shot to provoke feelings about her late fiance. Harrison insisted that while Arie is a race car driver, he does open-wheel racing -- a far different sport than NASCAR racing, which Maynard's ex took part in.

"First of all, people need to understand that Emily loves the track. She loves racing. That is a huge part of her life and her family," Harrison said, sounding somewhat defensive.

Harrison himself has been going through an emotional period of his own, just recently announcing he is divorcing his wife of 18 years. Asked if he would consider becoming the Bachelor himself, the host had this to say:

"Getting out of a 22-year relationship and having just announced my divorce to the world, I'm thinking I wouldn't exactly be a great candidate to be The Bachelor now, or anytime soon."

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Photo: Chris Harrison and Emily Maynard during the upcoming first episode of "The Bachelorette." Credit: ABC

'The Bachelor' producers deny racial discrimination

Warner Horizon Television, the studio behind ABC's "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette," has denied the claims of two African American  men who filed a class-action suit Wednesday saying that the dating shows discriminate against people of color.

"This complaint is baseless and without merit," said the statement. "In fact, we have had various participants of color throughout the series' history, and the producers have been consistently -- and publicly -- vocal about seeking diverse candidates for both shows. As always, we continue to seek out participants of color for both "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette."

In their lawsuit, Nathaniel Claybrooks and Christopher Johnson, both from Nashville, say there were not given the same consideration as white candidates when they tried out to be contestants on the show. They said the two shows, over the course of 20 years and a combined 23 seasons, have never featured a person of color in the central role of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette."

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Photo: Christopher Johnson, left, and Nathaniel Clybrooks have filed a class-action suit against "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" charging them with racial discrimination. Credit: Mark Humprey/Associated Press

 

 

'The Bachelor,' 'The Bachelorette' hit with racial discrimination suit

ABC's dating shows "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" were hit today with a class-action lawsuit filed by two Nashville men who said the show has intentionally discriminated against minorities by not including them on the two series.

The suit was filed in federal court in Nashville by two African American men, Nathaniel Claybrooks and Christopher Johnson, who said they were not given the same consideration as white candidates when they tried out to be contestants during a regional casting call.

"This is a case about equal opportunity," said Cyrus Mehri, co-counsel of Mehri & Skalet, which is representing the plaintiffs. "It's about putting everyone on equal footing. We're not saying that these two men should definitely have been selected. This is saying that they should have been given the same level of consideration as white applicants."

Among the defendants named in the suit are American Broadcast Cos. Inc., Warner Horizon Televsion and Mike Fleiss, executive producer of the two shows. ABC and the producers have declined to comment on the suit.

The lawsuit contends that the two reality shows, over the course of 20 years and a combined 23 seasons, have never featured a person of color in the central role of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette."

In the lawsuit, Claybrooks is identified as a small-business owner and investor, while Johnson is identified as an athlete trying out as an NFL wide receiver.

In 2011, said the suit, Claybrooks went to the Indigo Hotel, where producers were holding a casting call for "The Bachelor." He maintained that his on-camera interview was much shorter than the ones for white applicants and that he was not given the same opportunity as his white counterparts.

The suit said Johnson went to a Nashville hotel for a "Bachelor" casting call but was not allowed to proceed past the lobby after he handed in his appplication. He was passed by white applicants who were ushered through the lobby by officials.

The plaintiffs are seeking unspecified damages. "But basically, this is about the need for reform," said Mehri.

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Photo: Christopher Johnson, left, and Nathaniel Claybrooks answer questions at a news conference on their lawsuit charging "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" with racial discrimination. Credit: Mark Humphrey/Associated Press.

 

 

'The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette' accused of racial bias

Two Nashville men plan to file a class-action suit against "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette," claiming that the ABC dating shows intentionally exclude people of color.

Representatives for Nathaniel Claybrooks, described as an "All-American football player," and Christopher Johnson, described as an "aspiring National Football League player," contend that both shows over the last 10 years and 23 combined seasons have never featured a person of color in the central role of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette." They say they play to file class-actions complaints in federal court on Wednesday.

Among those being named in the suit are ABC Inc., Warner Horizon Television Inc. and executive producer Mike Fleiss.

ABC and Warner Horizon representatives declined to comment.

It's not the first time "The Bachelor" has been hit with charges of racism. Shawn Ryan, the creator of "The Shield" and "The Unit," last year blasted producers of "The Bachelor" after they defended the lack of cultural diversity. Fleiss had maintained that the reason why a person of color had not been cast in the main role of the series was becasue minorities had not "come forward."

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'Bachelorette' runner-up Ben Flajnik is newest 'Bachelor'

 
Ben Flajnik is getting back in the reality dating game, becoming the newest “Bachelor” on ABC's long-running dating series.

The 28-year-old Sonoma winemaker first made an impression on viewers when he appeared on last season’s “The Bachelorette.” And though Ashley Hebert rejected his proposal (choosing fellow suitor J.P. Rosenbaum instead ), Flajnik seems to think there are still plenty of fishes in the reality sea.

“The Bachelor” returns in January. Wonder if Jennifer Love Hewitt will be tuning in?

— Yvonne Villarreal
twitter.com/villarrealy

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Photo: Ben Flajnik in the season finale of "The Bachelorette." Photo credit: ABC.

'The Bachelorette': Ashley and J.P. talk about their life post-show

This season of "The Bachelorette" may have finally come to a close, but Ashley and J.P.'s publicity tour has just begun.

Only hours after the finale aired Monday night, the newly engaged couple did the media rounds in New York City, where Ashley is planning to join her fiance in a month after she finishes studying dentistry at the University of Pennsylvania. After hitting a slew of morning talk shows, the couple got on a conference call with a handful of journalists to talk about their experience on the show and plans for the future.

In between all the mushy talk, a few interesting tidbits did emerge: Ashley said things between her and her evil sister -- who we likened to Kat Von D --  are now swell. (Sure.) Ashley said she only let Ben get down on his knee and propose because the moment was "a blur." (Or the producers urged you to milk the drama?) And J.P. has not, apparently, been calling Ashley by her favorite and totally repulsive pet name, "Cupcake," as much as she would like. (They're totally doomed.)

A condensed and edited version of the transcript follows.

At what point after your confrontation with your sister did you straighten things out?

Ashley: You know, we actually never resolved it in Fiji. She left and it was still unresolved. Then I think it was when we got home that we talked about it a little bit, but it went unresolved for a while until she started watching the show air, and then she called me up and said, “I am so sorry. I completely see it now. I was too quick to judge." So it took a little while that she came around.

Was there ever a moment where what she said really caused you to reconsider picking J.P.?

Ashley: To be honest, I knew that I would follow my own gut and I would not let anyone else influence me, and that is what I loved about this whole journey, is I have got to trust myself. Now, the truth is, I knew my sister was being tough, and I knew that she was so stubborn that she would never take it back even if she had to change her heart. I knew that she would grow to love him. And once she saw us together, I had no doubt that she would see what I feel, and things would be all right and things would be great, and actually they are. They are close now, and they actually joke about it. So, all is well.

Were you hurt when she said she thought you were more into Brad than J.P.?

Ashley: OK, so I knew she was completely, like, off with her judgment and, you know, when she said that she thought I was more into Brad, I thought, “OK, I am not going to listen to anything she says because what I feel for him is completely different from what I felt for Brad.” So, at that point, she lost me. 

J.P., did you reconsider proposing after the showdown with Chrystie?

J.P.: Nothing that happened between me and her sister had any influence on my decision to propose. I always knew that I was going to propose, I guess. Pretty much two to three weeks prior I knew it was going to happen, so I was just afraid that her sister's comments and opinions would influence the way she felt about me, but I was hoping that she would trust her gut, trust her heart and not really listen to her sister, and it turned out all right.

'The Bachelorette' recap: JP puts a ring on it; Ben leaves angry

I think I need a second job as a Vegas odds-maker, because I called this season of "The Bachelorette" like a boss.

Not that it was very difficult, to be fair. Ashley has been so clearly smitten with JP for weeks now that not even crafty editing could hide their intense chemistry.

I will admit that there were moments during Monday night's finale where I feared the outcome would be derailed by the evil force that was Ashley's sister -- aka Kat Von D. Listen, there have been plenty of crazy families on this show in seasons past, but I'm not sure any have ever been as psychotically desperate for screen time as Ashley's sister, Chrystie. Who, by the way, recently made an appearance on TLC's "Extreme Couponing." Not. Even. Kidding.

So Ashley is about to finish her up-and-down journey on this thing, and her family arrives in Fiji to weigh in on her final two suitors. We've got stepdad, who is apparently mute. Her brother, who is sporting some unfortunate puka shells around his neck. Mom, who has an, er- strong northern Maine accent. And then there's Chrystie, whose arms are coated with a slew of truly tasteful tattoos, including one distractingly huge geisha.

Oh, but listen, folks. Despite her decision to get all of that hideous ink, Kat Von D wants us to know that she is the "rational" one in the family.

Almost immediately after Ashley arrives to show off JP to her brood -- attractively dabbing her forehead and cleavage with a sweat rag -- Chrystie starts asking him the important questions. Most vital of which, apparently, is: "Does he make you laugh?"

"I think I make myself laugh," Ashley responds. Which was an incredibly awkward thing to say, mind you. Just say the dude makes you laugh. He's about to have a one-on-one with Neil Lane and needs some reassurance!

And that was all Chrystie needed to hear.

"What's going on here?" she asks, pulling Ashley aside for a quick sit-down. "I don't think he's the one."

There's more. Ashley is "too much" for JP, who at 34 is far too old and "demure" for her little firecracker of a sister. The harsh words prompt Ashley to immediately bursts into tears -- yet another indication that she hadn't even been considering choosing Ben up to that point.

JP goes in for a talk to try to win Chrystie over, but it's a losing game.

"You're much older than her, and in my head, I think, why hasn't he found anyone yet?" she says, followed by the line of the night: "Can you handle that much fun?"

Oh, yeah. Ashley is just a barrel of monkeys. Dude. Kat Von D. What if JP started grilling you on why your marriage didn't work out?

JP, predictably, is fuming over the snap judgment. And Ashley, insecure as ever in her own feelings, starts doubting herself.

"The truth is, I could be with Ben," she ponders. What a rousing endorsement for the sole remaining Josh Groban-look-alike, whose interrogation is up next. Because Chrystie clearly feels sort of bad about being such a you-know-what regarding JP, she seems to go easier on Ben. But she's really won over when Ben and Ashley start doing something they call "dog voice," in which their voices get frighteningly high and they pretend to be speaking to imaginary puppies. If that doesn't mean they're compatible, I mean, I don't know what does.

Once Ashley is finally free of her family, she's able to spend some one-on-one time with Ben, who opts for a quirky "Gilligan's Island"-themed outfit for his final date. If he wasn't already out of the running, I'm pretty sure that straw fedora sealed the deal.

While Ben and Ashley had a sexy-time date in a mud bath -- where it looked like they could have picked up some kind of foreign disease -- it couldn't rival the intimacy of Ashley's date with JP. Plus, JP brought out the big guns: A gift. He writes a cheesy note in a photo album that only had one picture of the two of them on a beach with the promise that if he was chosen, they could fill out the rest together. JP got skills, yo.

And then Neil Lane -- jeweler and makeshift therapist -- shows up in Fiji to offer both guys free diamond rings to put on Ash's finger. Neil is kind of the best. Even though he's blatantly just trying to get a little airtime for his brand, he totally tries to engage with the guys as they're picking out rings.

"Long road?" he asks JP sympathetically, "What happens if she says no?"

Um, let's cool it with the questions, Neil. JP is still reeling from Chrystie's sneak attack.

Not surprisingly, JP makes a much classier ring selection than Ben does. Which makes it all the more sad that Ben is about to be sent home. Is watching the runner-up get get smacked down not always beyond tragic? Everyone I was watching the finale with was shielding their eyes with blankets and shrieking in discomfort.

Ben shows up, oblivious to Ashley's tears -- which are about to start falling as she prepares to reject him.

"Before you say anything," Ben begins, getting down on his knee and asking for Ashley's hand in marriage. Girl! Have you not seen any of the past seasons of this show? You don't let the guy get down on his knee when you know you don't want to be with him. That's just cruel and unusual punishment.

Ben doesn't see the rejection coming at all and is quickly enraged when he realizes he's going to be heading back to Sonoma empty-handed. Ashley tries to tell him that's he great and smart and looks just like Josh Groban and blahblahblah.

"I don't need you to sugarcoat it," Ben says, walking out. "JP is a wonderful guy. I'm sure you'll have a nice life together."

Burn.

Ashley's upset, until hunky JP comes walking out of the seaplane in his well-tailored suit.

"Hey handsome," she says, prompting us all to vomit.

They both drop the L-bomb numerous times, JP proposes, Ashley accepts, then they hug and kiss and Ashley calls JP "baby" 400 times and then they walk in the ocean and ruin Ashley's not-that-nice dress. Yay!

And according to the "After the Final Rose" special, the pair are still together. Ashley is planning to move to New York, where she can be close to JP's mom Ilene and her button sweater and far from her sister and her mean tattoos.

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Complete "Bachelorette" coverage on Show Tracker

-- Amy Kaufman

twitter.com/AmyKinLA

Photo: Ashley chooses JP as her final pick in Fiji. Credit: ABC.

'The Bachelorette' recap: Behind the scenes at 'Men Tell All' [Video]

Oh, “Men Tell All.” Let’s not beat around the bush, “Bachelor” nation: This is typically the worst episode of the season, right? Gathering all the rejected suitors together to discuss a handful of clips we’ve already seen always seems like a blatant ploy to boost interest in the following week’s season finale.

But, hey, at least this season the "Men Tell All" episode aired only a day before Monday’s finale. Plus, I got the opportunity to attend the taping – which is why I’ve been able to post these behind-the-scenes interviews with Constantine, Ryan and Ashley all week long.

Still, this season’s “Men Tell All” special was pretty dull. Despite teasers that blatantly implied the villainous Bentley would show up to face off against Ashley, he chickened out, blaming his absence on his “brother’s wedding.” Sure, dude. Knowing how desperate this show is for drama, I’m sure they would have rescheduled the entire event if Bentley was actually going to show his face.

Last week on 'The Bachelorette'...

Alas, despite him not actually being there in the flesh, Bentley was still the topic of much conversation during Sunday’s episode. I don’t even want to rehash much of what was said about the guy, since he didn’t even attend. But thanks to Constantine for voicing what we’ve all been thinking all season about Bentley’s shady motives: “Supposedly he owns a family fun center—so, great promotion?”

Anyway, let’s forget about that dirtbag and move on to the most important moment of the evening, which was clearly Ashley telling Ben C. that he was the one she most regretted sending home this season. Can I get an a-men? She and Ben C. were totally on a solid path until William threw him under the bus, insinuating that Ben was looking forward to cleaning up online dating sites once he got off the show. Ashley  -- still rattled by Bentley’s sudden exit -– was so surprised by the news that she let insecurities get the best of her and sent Ben packing before he even had a chance to explain the alleged comments.

Backstage at the show’s taping last weekend, I asked Ben why he didn’t stick up for himself more when Ashley kicked him off.

“I was so blindsided, I literally thought I misheard what she told me. And then when it registered, because I was kind of in shock, I told her, 'Listen, I don't know what you heard from who. But I know I was genuine throughout. So whatever you heard, it was kidding around,’” he told me.

But the fact that Ashley admitted she might have been too hasty in sending Ben home gave him additional closure about the experience, he said.

“I would say it made me feel better, and the reason is because I think she and I both still know that probably we weren't right for one another in the end. I think that there may have been some things lacking with our chemistry,” he said. “But when she said that tonight, I thought it was her way of apologizing or just being sweet about the fact that she knows I went through a really difficult situation with how that ended. So I appreciated that she said that.”

Some other highlights?

-How hilarious was Tim, the liquor distributor who got tanked on his first night in the mansion and had to be carried out only a few hours after his arrival? I thought he totally redeemed himself tonight by admitting that he made a horrible mistake in getting so drunk in a failed attempt to loosen up. “You wake up the next day and you wanna stick your head in the sand and say, 'What the hell did I do to myself?’" he admitted, prompting me to actually feel a little sorry for the guy.

-The unseen moment in which Harrison pressed Ashley about the questionably-placed vat of Vaseline on her bedside table. “I put Vaseline on my lips as ChapStick,” she insisted. “I put it on my lips, but also a little bit on the outside. You don’t want to wake up next to me – that’s all I’m saying.” I wonder if JP and/or Ben got a little preview of that loveliness in the Fiji fantasy suite? Eh, eh?

-The preview for the upcoming season of the “Bachelor Pad.” Um, wow. Not sure I even have words. Did anyone else catch that revolting night-vision camera shot of Kasey and Vienna having what appeared to be sex? And Michael telling his ex-fiancee, Holly, that he “really still loves the [expletive]” out of her? Chivalry at its finest, folks. Why do we watch this trash? And why am I even pretending that I’m not going to be plopped in front of the television to be repulsed by said events next week?

-The overwhelmingly positive audience response for Ames. Dude has the ladies going cuh-ray-zee. Do we think this means he could be the next “Bachelor?” I thought that his appearance on the “Bachelor Pad” would rule him out – especially since he seems to be dating someone on that show – but an ABC executive  revealed on his Twitter account that that doesn’t put Ames out of the running. Not sure how I feel about Ames being “The Bach.” I mean, sure, he’s cute and all, but I just have this horrible vision of him staring at a gaggle of beautiful women dumbfounded, and then plying himself with alcohol so he can feel comfortable enough to make a move like he did on Ashley in the elevator this season.

- “I kind of consider you like a camp counselor: You’re just really happy about everything.” – Lucas on Ryan. One of the best lines of the night. Followed by Ryan revealing that he brought “multiple books” on “questions to ask before you get engaged” and the like, which he took “pages and pages of notes” on. Oh, and he kept a journal, too. And the hole just keeps getting deeper.

Only 24 hours until Ashley sheds some more tears and probably ends up with a Neil Lane shiner on her fingers, folks. Let's hope she and oh-so-obvious winner JP last more than a year.

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-- Amy Kaufman
Twitter.com/AmyKinLA

Photo: Ashley Hebert and Ben Castoriano learn to dance on "The Bachelorette." Credit: Rick Rowell / ABC.