'Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Meet it before you eat it

It took all my energy not to title this "Real Housewives of New Jersey" dispatch “Talkin’ turkey." But I realized that: a) my first titles are generally to be discarded and, b) more important, the Thanksgiving meals themselves figured precious little in this episode. Instead, preprandial encounters with live animals, both human and bestial, made the hourlong episode a veritable zoo.

It’s Thanksgiving in Wayne, N.J., which, as fires rage across the West and 90-degrees-and-climbing temperatures sweep across the Northeast, makes all that meat-and-pie eating a little quease-inducing for Bravo viewers. Still, there was plenty of live flesh to cringe over as Turkey Day preparations ensued -- and I’m not even talking about all the one-shoulder gowns the Housewives kept sporting.

First, we watched Teresa and Joe Giudice hit the SUV to drive endlessly in circles until they conquered traffic to reach their local turkey farm, where the noted cookbook author pointed to a few chickens roasting on a spit with trepidation. (“Are those…?” Why, no, ma’am, those are the stunt chickens we got at Safeway!) This led to Joe’s stunning revelation that they don’t even celebrate Thanksgiving in Italy, which seemed a novel insight to the foodie of the house as well.

‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ recap: Who wrote the Book of Love?

Coming off the Stygian excesses of last week’s fashion show, to say nothing of the bellowing bellicosi of RHONJ’s premier, it was a quiet week in Wayne Township, as if all were mildly anesthetized with the task of digesting one of Caroline’s Southern meals.

Still, this brief digression from chest-thumping and runway-walking finally cemented a theme of the "Jersey" series that has fascinated me ever since Danielle Staub placed a battered edition of "Cop Without a Badge" triumphantly down on Teresa’s soon-to-be-hurled table. "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," despite the fact that their 75,000-square-foot houses seem remarkably free of even one lone bookcase, are indubitably the literary arm of the franchise.

But to begin. Here we are, on the set of Teresa’s fashion shoot for "Skinny Italian's" sequel, "Fabulicious," where she is shortly to enrage the book’s “food stylist” for commenting that his meatball spread needs more sauce (“Who wants a meatball without sauce?”). Luckily, said stylist will be shortly placated by Teresa’s pronunciation of cumin -- “Is it KOO-min? KUH-min?” -- which allows him to hurl back a dagger-like “KEW-min” and maintain his linguistic, to say nothing of intellectual, superiority, which must be no joke if you are a food stylist.

But Teresa’s work as a lady of letters has only just begun.

'Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Are they still talking about the christening brawl?

When you start a season with a raging brawl in the middle of a baby christening, there’s nowhere to go but up. Or is that down?

The calm after the Jersey Housewife storm is filled with fall-out: As Teresa tells her friends, the fight between her husband (Joe Guidice) and her brother (Joe Gorga) at her nephew’s christening party was like "a bad bad dream." A bad bad dream in which her brother pounds his fists on the banquet table until a mob erupts into violence so chaotic and widespread that even Bravo’s multiple cameras can’t show us what exactly is going on.

Which is just as well — if we knew exactly what had happened, it wouldn’t be as much fun to hear the different parties trotting out their own versions of how things unraveled last week.

'Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Brawl at the baptism!

You knew "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" had to find a way to up the ante for the third season premiere. What would an episode be without hair pulling, table-throwing or insult-tossing? But a knock-down brawl at a baby christening in the third minute of the season opener? That's classy.

 It turns out that Teresa and Joe Giudice are not really getting along with Teresa’s brother Joe Gorga, and his wife Melissa. (You can assume that “not getting along” is an understatement –- it’s impossible to overstate anything with these Jersey Housewives.) So when a seemingly simple act –- Teresa tries to congratulate Melissa and Joe on their son’s baptism –- sets off a riot in the banquet hall, you know there has to be a pretty florid back story.

Cut to “one week earlier” –- a whole lot of catching up involving the Giudices' bankruptcy, Teresa’s newfound career as an author, Joe’s new life working in a pizza parlor, and Joe Gorga’s stewing resentment of his sister, which wife Melissa craftily encourages. Joe Gorga appears convinced that Teresa’s husband has stolen their father’s love; Melissa (like all Housewives) believes Teresa doesn’t pay her enough respect.

Isn’t every Housewife battle about respect?

Forget flashcards! Watch reality TV and get into college

This just in: Snooki and Brad Womack could help teens get into college!

OK. That may be a slight stretch.

Some college-bound students who took Saturday’s SAT test were given this essay question:

“Reality television programs, which feature real people engaged in real activities rather than professional actors performing scripted scenes, are increasingly popular ... How authentic can these shows be when producers design challenges for the participants and then editors alter filmed scenes?

Do people benefit from forms of entertainment that show so-called reality, or are such forms of entertainment harmful?”

We’re sure images of “Teen Moms,” spray-tanned “Jersey Shore” cast members and Kim Kardashian danced through the test takers' heads -- for the ones who didn’t take prep classes, at least. What about the poor souls who don't watch reality TV?

“We acknowledge that not all students spend valuable hours watching reality television shows, nor are we recommending that students watch these programs,” said Laurence Bunin, senior vice president of the SAT Program for the College Board, in a statement. “However, we have found from our pretesting that students not only grasp but are quite interested in the underlying issues covered in the prompt: the effects of television on society; the desire for fame and celebrity on the part of 'ordinary people'; the authenticity and value of various 'realistic' representations (an issue central to the study of painting, film, drama and literature)."

That’s good and all. But we at Showtracker think there are better ways to gauge college hopefuls’ intelligence. Here are some better (not really) essay questions for teens:

1) By Vinny continuously refusing to ‘smush’ Snooki, what does this really say about gender expectations?

2) Compare and contrast Kim Zolciak (“Real Housewives of Atlanta”) with Madame Bovary.

3) "I’m goin out tonight, it's goin down / Headed straight to the front of the line, on the fly /On the floor I cant stand still/ And I'm goin to work like I’m paying my bills (bills)" -- from Kim Kardashian's song “Jam”

Is Kim Kardashian demonstrating her independence by working the line like she’s paying her bills or is she simply a line cutter?

ShowTrackers, what do you think of reality TV making it as an SAT essay question? How would you answer the question?

-- Yvonne Villarreal
Twitter.com/villarrealy

Photo: Kim Kardashian. Credit: D Dipasupil / Getty Images

'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' reunion: Coming together after all the drama

The support group of survivors from the first season of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” aired their grievances in what was practically a clinical setting on Tuesday night on Bravo.

They shared experiences seemingly exclusive to the life of a housewife in Beverly Hills: the sisterly conflicts of former child actors, who also happen to be aunts of Paris Hilton; the ex-wife of a wealthy celebrity addressing her feuds, her psychic friend and her married friend whom she kisses on the lips; and the drama of a Permanent Houseguest who storms from the nest, quite possibly seeking to wet his beak from the 15 minutes of “Housewives” fame.

Bravo threw me for a loop with the second part of the reunion. I missed it on television, expecting it on Thursday night. So, I had to play catch up with the full episode (thankfully) available on Hulu. (Click here if you want to relive it.)

I was surprised by the dignity demonstrated by women who had spent an entire season seemingly trying to strip away whatever dignity they had before the cameras. For all the drama of the last season, it culminated in a tempered, practically anemic, conversation about the lives they lived on camera.

Camille was apologetic but not really. Kim was remarkably coherent and honest about her relationship with her sister, though she declined to dig further into the allegations of alcoholism and all that went down at Taylor’s birthday party. Taylor clued us into the underlying sadness that we saw all season. And, as usual, Adrienne didn’t say much of anything.

It was Lisa who was most interesting to watch. She was her typically effervescent, humorous and classy  self -- it says something about how bizarrely ostentatious a show is when the person who comes across as the sage of the cast wears a necklace that could pass for a chandelier.

Despite all the cheeky wisdom that she readily offered to others on the show, she failed to recognize the swindler (alleged, of course) within her midst. In her latimes.com live chat last week (read the transcript here if you missed it), she hinted at the pain caused by Cedric the Permanent Houseguest and the tearful discussions that would follow this week, on the second part of the reunion.

And it was, indeed, heartbreaking.

2010 Top Reality TV Huh? Moments

 

If you thumb your nose at reality TV, this list is not for you. But we can't possibly ignore television's thriving nonscripted genre, and frankly we don't want to. We love our crazy housewives, our lovelorn bachelors, and all the people who do insane things for $1 million. You will notice "Jersey Shore" is not in the list. That's because there were so many memorable huhs on MTV's biggest hit that we've given those crazy kids their own list.

1. Claire Champlin gets watermeloned in the face and keeps on trucking all the way to second place on "The Amazing Race." Does this really need further explanation?

2. Bristol Palin "dances" her way into the "Dancing with the Stars" finals. The red and blue fight of the year! Bigger than the November election.

3. Bachelor Jake stuns the nation by choosing Vienna on "The Bachelor," and then they both stun us even further when they break up and go on TV to explain why.

4. Allison Dubois, the real-life psychic that CBS' "Medium" is based on, appears on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and, with the help of an electronic cigarette and a few dozen drinks, manages to put the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" table-flipping dinner party to shame.

5. NaOnka and Purple Kelly quit in the same Tribal Council, with 11 days left in the game. This game is called "Survivor," ladies — not "Quitter." Thank God Jeff Probst never quits.

6. Sarah Palin kills a caribou on "Sarah Palin's Alaska." Then she is patted on the back by her father, "There you go!" Was this necessary?

7. On "Heroes v. Villains," Parvati Shallow pulls out two immunity idols and saves two women from elimination on "Survivor" and instead sends the adorable J.T. packing. The boldest move in "Survivor" history left us head-scratching in a good way. No wonder they keep inviting her back.

8. The stork apparently forgot to notify Phaedra Parks about when exactly she got pregnant. Maybe not. But, at least, that would make for a better excuse than what she was telling her fellow Atlanta "Housewives": that her baby was fully developed at seven months and that's why she was giving birth early. Uh ...  

9. The "Big Brother" brigade goes down. The braggy alliance is toppled. There is justice.

10. Kris Jenner slipped the wrong man in her family a male enhancement pill: her son, Rob Kardashian. It gave a whole new meaning to "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." 

 — Maria Elena Fernandez and Yvonne Villarreal

twitter.com/writerchica

twitter.com/villarrealy

Video: The watermelon incident in the first episode of "The Amazing Race." Credit: CBS.

2010 top terms we learned on reality TV

 

We are writers, and we're always looking to expand our vocabulary. Here are some words that were not on our SAT but very well should have been.

1. Hippopotamus ("Jersey Shore"). As if it wasn't bad enough to be referred to as a grenade, here comes her "big" sister, the hippo. Of course, The Situation came up with this term of endearment for an overweight woman, and watching him get rid of his hippo proved he's a cheating mastermind. (You can watch all the action here).

2. Tanorexia ("The A List"). A debilitating condition of never ever feeling tan enough. Because we come from warm beach states, we completely sympathize with the afflicted.

3. DTF ("Jersey Shore"). We can't spell it out because it includes a curse word, but it refers to people being down for a hook-up. It's economical and serves a purpose.

4. Boughetto ("Real Housewives of Atlanta"). The combination of being bougie and ghetto. What falls into this category? Rhinestones on the eyelashes, roses in the hair. Look for yourself.   

5. Prostitution whore ("Real Housewives of New Jersey"). It may sound redundant, but sometimes extra emphasis is needed to make a point, especially if you're Teresa Guidice.

6. T-shirt Tiiiiime! ("Jersey Shore") This signals the men are ready to go out. They change into fresh shirts and they're off. Pauly D started this craze, and we like it so much that it makes us fist-pump. (It even has a theme song).

7. Vagenius ("The A List") Used when something amazing happens or something is great. Whoever coined it was vagenius indeed.

8. Throw shade ("RuPaul's Drag Race") To talk trash about someone in public. RuPaul turned this into one of the most hilarious competitions on his show. We laughed as we learned a new art form.

9. Hallaloo! ("RuPaul's Drag Race") You know, hallelujah but cooler.

10. Mantrum ("The A List") A man tantrum. We saved this for last because we don't like whiny men but we like new words.

-- Yvonne Villarreal and Maria Elena Fernandez

twitter.com/villarrealy

twitter.com/writerchica

Video: The Situation explains grenades and landmines, the hippo's sisters. Credit: YouTube

Kathy Griffin takes aim at Bristol Palin, 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' in new Bravo comedy special

 

Kathy Griffin has a theory about why Bristol Palin isn't the most skilled dancer on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." It involves being sore from other, shall we say, strenuous extracurricular activities.

"Anyone can make a Bristol Palin joke," the red-haired comedian, who will celebrate her 50th birthday on Thursday, said backstage during the filming of her latest Bravo comedy special. "But you're just not going to hear about Levi's ... from Ricky Gervais. You're only going to hear about it from me."

Palin is just one of many tabloid stars who get the crude treatment during Griffin's "Whores on Crutches" special, which airs Tuesday on Bravo. And she's not alone, considering Griffin has built a career out of making fun of celebrities.

Griffin "is the current-day version of Phyllis Diller, or Joan Rivers, except she's taken a more direct hit at pop-culture celebrity," said Kimber Rickabaugh, one of the executive producers of the special. "And it works because it speaks to who we are as a society today. We're fascinated by reality television, by celebrity culture. People didn't care about that stuff 30 years ago. Celebrities have taken over pop culture. And she is here to keep them in check."

And no one's immune in her latest special -- from Palin to longtime rival Elizabeth Hasselbeck to Tiger Woods and the ladies of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Even the dames featured on TLC's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" are a target.

"I have an open-door policy," Griffin said. "No one's safe. I really do my stand-up act based on whatever I think is funny and what I'm hearing at the water cooler. Those toothless ladies who didn't know they were pregnant ... they're all the water-cooler rage."

Jerry Springer still has some fight in him after 20 years

There's something about talk show host Jerry Springer that brings out the worst in his guests. Fights are always breaking out around him. And he couldn't be more pleased.

Springer is celebrating a milestone Wednesday, marking the 20th anniversary of "The Jerry Springer Show," the syndicated talk fest featuring outrageous topics such as mistresses battle wives and threesomes with Grandma. Read the feature on Springer here.

Springer is also being recognized as one of the pioneers of reality television, the genre that has sparked the confrontational "Jersey Shore" and "The Real Housewives" franchises.

Here are some video highlights -- and lowlights -- from Springer's greatest hits:



-- Greg Braxton

 

To celebrate Heidi Klum's upcoming funny kid series, we bring you: Funny kid clips!

The folks over at Lifetime want to remind TV viewers that funny isn’t ageist.

News broke Tuesday that the network’s resident hostess Heidi Klum would be making good use of her assets—her mommy skills, of course! She’ll host the upcoming unscripted series “Seriously Funny Kids” set for a 2011 debut.

Lifetime has ordered 20 half-hour episodes of the program, which will see the leggy model interacting with children and listening as they say, um, the darndest things. Sound familiar? Well, it is being executive produced by Eric Shotz (“Kids Say the Darndest Things”) along with Klum, Desiree Gruber ("Project Runway") and Jane Cha ("Project Runway").

But, really, we just consider this news an excuse to revisit some funny-kid moments in pop culture.

'Real Housewives' offer makeovers on 'Maury'

Over on “Maury,” the paternity tests are getting a break.

Taking a breather from the baby daddy drama, veteran TV host Maury Povich is enlisting the help of a few “Housewives” with another pastime of the longstanding talk show: makeovers.

In the episode, to air Thursday,  Danielle Staub ("Real Housewives of New Jersey"), Ramona Singer ("Real Housewives of New York City") and NeNe Leakes ("Real Housewives of Atlanta") will help transform a few disheveled “real” housewives into moms worthy of being followed around by cameras.

Hmm. Images of knee-high boots with broken heels, age-inappropriate skirts and revealing tops are dancing in our heads.  

Show Trackers,  do you think these were the right “Housewives” to help with the makeovers?

--Yvonne Villarreal
twitter.com/villarrealy

Photo: Danielle Staub. Credit: Getty Images.