Late Night: Andy Cohen hosts 'Real Housewives' screaming match

 

The Bravo Clubhouse was a whole lot more crowded than usual on Wednesday night when Andy Cohen hosted a "Watch What Happens Live All-Star Party," a veritable orgy of the network's demi-celebrities.

Everyone was there, including marquee names like Padma Lakshmi and Tom Colicchio, breakout star Bethenny Frankel, and Bravo B-listers like what's-her-name from "Flipping Out" who looks like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. As Kathy Griffin aptly described the event, "This is like the most messed-up Golden Globes I've ever seen." 

Of course, no Bravo gathering would be complete without plenty of housewives. The "All-Star Party" featured trainwreck musical performances by LuAnn "The Countess"  de Lesseps and Melissa Gorga, but the official lowlight was almost certainly the "Real Housewives Battle Royale." For the quiz game, 18 different housewives were divided into two teams --East Coast versus West Coast -- and asked questions on "their favorite two subjects -- themselves, and each other," as Cohen put it.  Not surprisingly, the contest quickly descended into a Babel-esque cacophony of shrill screams, like a "Housewives" reunion show condensed into four brief but blood-curdling minutes. It was so harrowing that even the usually indefatigable Cohen appeared to lose his patience.

You can watch the "Battle Royale" above, but be warned: You may want to be sure all your crystal is tucked away in a safe place before you press play. 

RELATED: 

Bravo announces 11 new series and plans for 2 scripted series

Stephen Colbert and Andy Cohen dish about Romney, sip Cosmos

Taylor Armstrong talks abuse, husband's suicide

— Meredith Blake

twitter.com/MeredithBlake

 

Camille Grammer won't return to 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'

Just as everyone had come to know her name, Camille Grammer has decided not to return for another season of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."

"It was 100 percent her decision," said her publicist Howard Bragman. "Bravo seems to be going out there saying it was mutual. It's just not true."

Grammer cut ties, according to Bragman, due to conflicting views on the direction of her storyline. "There were things that she didn't want to talk about: kids, family, her personal life. Bravo wanted that. She said no." 

Bravo declined to comment on the matter. And the network hasn't yet officially announced whether the show will return for a third season -- though it's highly likely that it will.  

Viewers were introduced to Grammer when the series premiered in 2010, alongside Lisa Vandepump, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle and Kim Richards, and Taylor Armstrong. Grammer hardly ingratiated herself -- often bragging about her wealth and hanging on to the star power of her then-husband, "Frasier" actor Kelsey Grammer, and clashing with a fellow Housewife. But she underwent a transformation when the show returned for its sophomore outing, emerging as a scorned wife humbled by her circumstances and often serving as the voice of reason -- such as when she was outspoken on the Season 2 reunion  about her disapproval of Bravo airing the second season given the recent suicide of Armstrong's husband.

"She ended on a high note," Bragman said. "We got a chance for some redemption."

RELATED:

Taylor Armstrong talks to Andy Cohen about abuse, suicide

Tragedy has not dragged down 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'

Full Show Tracker coverage of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

--Yvonne Villarreal

twitter.com/villarrealy

Photo credit: Bravo

 

'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: False alarms

Is it over yet?

That’s all I can say for this bloated, unwieldy, TMI season of "The Real Housewives," which was long on cava and cat fights, but also spousal abuse and alcoholism -- leaving viewers, cast members and, most important, the Bravo network, a bit flummoxed about how to swallow it all.

By the time last night’s third installment of the RHOBH reunion aired, its highlights had already been promo’d so much, it was difficult to distinguish them from the earlier installments, if not the season itself. But here we go.

Taylor told the terrible story of her first beating at Russell’s hands, when he knocked her jaw out of its socket and put her friends in the hospital -- thus leaving Russell room to threaten to sue Camille, who'd said on-air Russell had “broken” Taylor's jaw. Brandi reiterated her desire to get intimate with Lisa's husband, Ken. Dana, the Lost Housewife, with new, smooth extensions and excessive bronzer, was hauled onstage to laugh gamely at her own bragging, which she countered by wearing heels emblazoned with a familiar epithet.

But it's telling that Bravo didn’t put up a video of Taylor’s horrible confessional, and instead put up a video of Mauricio’s pecs to lighten the mood -- which I’m just putting up for the sake of journalism, of course:
  
But that was merely the palate-cleanser for Kim. In a separate location, joined only by @BravoAndy and her sister, she sat under flattering lighting and told the story of her rehab and recovery. Less gaunt but possibly more affectless, she gave us the somewhat self-evident insight that celebrity and privacy don’t mix.

@BravoAndy took that one with a straight face. But, throughout the chest- and soul-baring, all I could think of was, rehabbed and recovered, what will the network do now?

For a clue, I think we can look to @BravoAndy’s show, “Watch What Happens Live," which recently went from once a week to every weeknight. It’s the after-show in which @BravoAndy has revealed himself as the Dick Cavett of our age, one who gives a space for celebrities to show that many of them are in fact intelligent, witty and talented. (See Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, below.) It neatly manages the trick of poking fun at the foibles of the Bravo’s own casts -- with the head of the network the chief provocateur.

“Watch What Happens Live,” which got its juice from dishing on Housewives, now may herald a return to the clever from the craven for that series as well.

After all, the great fun of "The Real Housewives" franchise in the first place was to see how cleverly producers managed to poke fun at their casts’ inflated sense of self-importance -- which was even more delicious for the fact that the cast seemed unaware or unconcerned that any poking fun was taking place.

Witness Sheree Whitfield’s seminal “Whatever Happened to Customer Service”:

And to see what I predict will be the new direction, you only need look toward the Atlanta Housewives and the new New York cast.

In Atlanta, in addition to a bunch of people acting like babies, we have a bunch of actual babies -- Kim and Phaedra’s -- as well as new career directions for the ladies that are more interesting than the infighting of yesteryear. There’s Nene’s new role on “Glee,” Phaedra’s move toward mortuary, Kandi’s continuing series of hits, Kim’s new role as wife (and nicer person), and Sheree’s. ... Well, Sheree always looks nice. 

"The Real Housewives of New York" has also cast off the dead weight. Now, there are three better-pedigreed cast members reportedly positioned to join Ramona and Sonja (Ramonja, pace @BravoAndy): Carole Radziwill, journalist and Jackie O. descendant; Aviva Drescher, high-powered Wall Street wife; and Heather Thomson, successful founder of Yummy Mummy shapewear line. (Burn, Jill!)

This isn’t to say that Bravo is going to entirely drop its formula. After all, the OC ladies are still there in all their raccoon-eyed, foreclosed-upon glory -- though as new divorcees all, they’ve also got story lines I’m happy to see. But it does seem the network is taking the franchise in the same direction it took itself years ago, when it went from a moribund cable channel of B-list re-runs to an avatar of reality programming.

Then, its genius was to create shows about people that created things -- Top Chef, Project Runway -- in which viewers tuned in to see not only drama but tests of skill.

Obviously, the Real Housewives are not going to start being able to actually sing. But for Bravo to continue on the path that led them to Taylor and Kim will yield rewards flatter, if you’ll forgive me the analogy, than Kim’s false pregnancy. We don’t need another season that self-detonates, nor another as tedious as last season's Jersey, in which half the cast members didn’t even attend the reunion.  

Now, I predict a bit more real "reality," if you will. We’ll see charity events for actual charities, poopy diapers that husbands actually change, shoes you can find in stores, fortunes you can count at a bank and, most important, houses not actually on the verge of foreclosure.

After all, poking fun is one thing. But I trust @BravoAndy to know when a bubble has burst.

RELATED:  

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: Couch Wars

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: The truth will ouch

Complete Show Tracker coverage of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

— Lizzie Skurnick
twitter.com/lizzieskurnick

Photo: "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" cast members, clockwise from top left: Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Taylor Armstrong, Kim Richards, Brandi Granville, Dana Wilkey, Kyle Richards and Camille Grammer. Credit: Richard McLaren / Bravo

'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Couch wars

To lead with the glaringly obvious, “Leave them wanting more” is not part of the Real Housewives philosophy. While Bravo busies itself pumping out more shows, seasons, spinoffs and stars, the ladies themselves engage in bejeweled fights, set off on vacations or hold tea parties, spinning bespoke drama when there is none to be had.

But lack of drama was not, of course, the problem with this season. Here we were overrun with it, of a kind so serious it leaked into real-world courts, clinics and graveyards. And perhaps that’s the problem. Reunion shows, with their glitter and gossip, are basically an opportunity for fans to attend the party themselves, troublemaking through their proxy, @BravoAndy. But this party, with its issues of suicide, rehab and black-eyed wives, might be a little too much reality for even Bravo’s most dedicated celebrator.

On this leg of the three-part series, Brandi, the demi-cup-wearing demi-Housewife, was brought in for her say, and, one imagines, to lighten up the joint. Her first order of business was get a viewer-validated apology for Kyle and Kim’s “mean girl” antics when she joined the show and then to bolster Lisa, who came in for some hard hits about her supposedly sharp tongue. (This led, eventually, to Taylor’s confession that, because there are no English people in Oklahoma, it took her some time to understand Lisa’s humor. I think there's still irony in Oklahoma, but maybe I’m mistaken.)

Camille then came under fire from viewers for being, this season, way too likable, and, therefore, too boring. @BravoAndy, reminding viewers that Camille had been splashed across the cover of Life & Style magazine with a headline that called her the "Most Hated Housewife," pressed her to admit that maybe, just maybe, she’d altered her behavior in response. Camille demurred, and, because I am as vulnerable to media spin as anyone, I believed her, especially because I'd be a better person with Kelsey Grammar out of my house in exchange for a six-pack, to say nothing of $50 million.

As the show crested over the half-hour mark, Brandi went for the jugular. Suggesting it was in less than good taste for Taylor to churn out an opus on her abusive husband before his headstone was up, Brandi accused the Okie of being a bad mother and reality-show-er. This devolved into a predictable back-and-forth in which Taylor detailed her reasons for not leaving Russell, Brandi looked dubious and Kyle reminded Brandi that she'd slashed her own wayward ex’s tires. (“It was my motorcycle too,” Brandi offered, in an interesting defense.) Taylor might have trumped with her tragedy card until she took it too far, suggested that, had she not quickly published her memoir, in which she talks about domestic abuse, even more women would die — and then began listing the rates at which they might expire. With those metrics, who needs Amazon ratings?

But this, of course, brought us to the disturbing question of the entire season: Does the show reflect reality or create it? Kyle, as the conversation turned to Kim, offered the interesting news that she’d suggested her sister be on the show in order to “make her more responsible.” Taylor had previously said she joined the show because she thought it might temper Russell’s behavior. Kelsey Grammar, Camille told us, claims he urged his wife to be on the show in order to better carry on an affair with his then-mistress.

We’ve certainly witnessed the show warp marriages, strain families and put jobs in jeopardy, but no cast members had, before now, admitted to any ulterior motive for appearing other than being — in their own minds, at least — fabulous.

But now, the TiVo has turned. Apparently, we're not here to enjoy the Housewives’ antics. We, simply through the sheer power of our eyeballs, are meant to ward off alcoholism, spousal abuse and any number of domestic ills. Which is, of course, more bonkers than a million-dollar lollipop holder. But I can see Bravo executives scratching their heads at this pretty pass, in which they’re no longer using the Housewives, but the Housewives are using them — and, in turn, us.

What happens, after all, when you cut away from Camille’s new boyfriend’s pecs and the 25K glasses can't hide the glare? Maybe that’s why this reunion show is three hours long. It’s not that Bravo is reveling in all the ignominy. It's that it's making sure we, and the Housewives, know Bravo, not the ladies, is in charge.

RELATED:  

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: Pink Ladies

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: To Sur, with love

Complete Show Tracker coverage of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

— Lizzie Skurnick
Twitter/lizzieskurnick

Photo: "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" cast members (clockwise from top left): Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Taylor Armstrong, Kim Richards, Brandi Granville, Dana Wilkey, Kyle Richards and Camille Grammer. Credit: Richard McLaren / Bravo.

'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: The truth will ouch

How does one attack the RHOBH three-part reunion? Does one nibble around it, like it's some overstuffed hamburger? Try simply to keep up, as with a quickly melting ice-cream cone? Come 20 minutes late to miss the previews?

Poor viewer -- it’s the middle choice, as this RHOBH will be difficult and drippy with only the crunchy cone of Andy Cohen to give it some structure.

Which isn’t to say one doesn’t like it. (The reunion show is the dessert of the Bravo series meal, after all.) And this one, while not deserving three parts, certainly can make use of them, what with the tragedy of Taylor’s marriage, Kim’s entry into rehab and Brandi’s insistence on forgoing a brassiere.

But let’s go to the first victim. Reluctant, understandably, to begin with the truly terrible tale of Taylor’s now-deceased husband Russell, Andy chose to launch with the viewers’ undeniably favorite Housewife Lisa, presumably because she can take it.

Not only has the lady declined the Juvaderm stretching positively balloon-tight the faces of her fellow cast-mates, she’s well-stocked with naughty humor, irony, goodwill and good advice, traits scattered erratically among the rest of the ladies.

And thus the assault was fairly severe. It began with a viewer’s query about Lisa’s more rounded derriere (a perennial theme with the Atlanta Housewives), which, if Taylor’s smug smile didn’t make clear enough, in Atlanta is a compliment, and in Bev Hills is a big Ba-Donk-a-Don’t.

Speaking of bad puns, we next returned to the saga of the “Maloof-Hoof” versus the “Vander Pump,” which Linda had quipped was coming to kick the, um, derriere of the former.

'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' finale recap: Pink Ladies

I’m not giving her away; I’m sharing her.

And thus proud papa Ken gets the best line of this "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" episode as he “agrees” to give away daughter Pandora to the beaming swain Jason in the couple’s splendiferous wedding, which comprises the triumphant finale of the show. (If every real-life father actually NOW says this as he makes the handoff, forgive me; I’m a little rusty on what passes for wit in wedding marches these days.)

And this was not the only thing passed on in this episode. (Squeamish? Just go ahead and skip ahead two paragraphs RIGHT NOW. Trust me.) Producers could not help but juxtapose the celebration of matrimony with the institution’s far less celebratory end: a colonoscopy, which Mr. Maloof, a.k.a. Paul Nassif, gamely went through on camera, thus giving viewers a snapshot of the far more quotidian duties that make up married life. 

Adrienne came along for moral support, though brusquely refused to help with the enema. (“Moral support is one thing, but ... [INCREDULOUS SILENCE].”) However, before departing on six-inch heels, jeweled cellphone in hand, Adrienne held her husband’s hand in recovery as he released his post-colonospic air in a series of blasts while drowsily objecting to her laughter. Pandora, pay attention! Enjoy that pink gown, because it morphs into a backless paper one.

This irrefutably genuine view of marriage was joined by a pretty genuine version of a wedding day’s stress, as well. (Minus $700,000 in pin money and a group of triplet makeup artists.) Consider "RHONY's" Ramona’s “renewal” of vows with husband Mario, which were simply the culmination of her seasonlong nonsurgical renewing procedures. Or Cynthia and Peter’s debacle of a joining-forces on "RHOATL," in which the mother and sister tried to hide the license, the ceremony bankrupted the couple, and the groom showed up drunk. 

In Bev, Lisa wandered around in sweats with her hair pinned up, put on a ridiculous tiara, as requested, and burst into tears as her daughter swept down their staircase. She even unromantically refused to listen to her husband practice his speech. (“Darling, you cannot bring this up with me two hours before the ceremony; this is ridiculous.”) On "RHOATL," the big question was whether Cynthia would make it to the top of the staircase at all.

But most surprising -- and enlightening -- was that viewers did not get to see the ceremony at all. (We did see the pink padded room studded with hanging diamond strands, which to me looked like flagella in the center of some pulsating organism, faint light shining through the translucent pink flesh. But: to each her own!)

Instead, we watched the bride walk up the aisle -- and then immediately watched them be declared husband and bride. The vows, as they should be, were reserved for the assembled. And the party, rather than being an opportunity for scandals and confrontations, was instead presented as a silent, softly lit montage, the kind of work you might expect from an especially ambitious videographer.

How Pandora and Jason will do when those pesky enema/wedding speech items come up in future, we cannot know. But it speaks well of the couple that they didn’t let their wedding be cannibalized by the network, just as the ladies’ gathering three weeks later also seemed one of the few genuine get-togethers I’ve ever seen. 

Remember, we began the series with an awkward party at Dana's that quickly devolved into Brandi, Kim, and Kyle hurling insults each other. (“Slut!” “Meth addict!”) Now, at Kyle’s, Brandi, Dana, and Kim were not present. (Kim checked herself into rehab shortly after the series wrapped; Brandi and Dana, I assume, were simply not invited.) 

For the first time, the ladies sat around drinking Prosecco and enjoying each others’ company. Camille passed around an iPhone pic of her new boyfriend’s abs. (“Is he legal?”) Lisa pulled out some photos for the wedding. (“You look nervous!”) Adrienne showed a new batch of her shoes. (“These are a huge improvement!”) These are the kind of comments that are catty when you don’t know a lady, and warmly helpful when you do. This situation was a striking example of the latter.

The only jarring note -- it’s a biggie -- is whether or not Russell had yet killed himself when they all met. I am pretty sure he had, which makes all that joyful noise a little off-key. (“How are you?” “I’m doing better.” “Let’s look at pictures of my daughter’s wedding!”) I cannot imagine but that it would have been unbearable to see the pink, resplendent results of someone else's 30-year marriage when your husband, who beat you, had just killed himself.

And yet, it’s undeniable that, for the first time on the entire series, Taylor looked and acted normal, as did the ladies themselves. I am interested to see whether I will feel as sanguine about them all after next week’s reunion show. (Doubtful.) But for a moment, let us all enjoy our sojourn in that pink, padded "RHOBH" room.

RELATED:  

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: To Sur, with love

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: 'Depth Charges'

Complete Show Tracker coverage of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

— Lizzie Skurnick
Twitter/lizzieskurnick

Photo: "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" cast members (clockwise from top left): Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Taylor Armstrong, Kim Richards, Brandi Granville, Dana Wilkey, Kyle Richards and Camille Grammer. Credit: Richard McLaren / Bravo

Tragedy has not dragged down 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'

“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Taylor Armstrong is sobbing uncontrollably and screaming during a lavish, Moroccan-themed party. The catalyst of the meltdown was fellow housewife Camille Grammer, who had openly discussed Taylor’s claims of abuse against husband Russell Armstrong in a previous episode. “You have no idea what she’s done to me!” Armstrong wails about Camille.

This scene from the Bravo series’ second season was all the more unsettling because viewers knew what lay ahead: Weeks after it was filmed, Russell killed himself.

Reality TV thrives on friction, but how much drama is too much? In the wake of Russell’s suicide, the network was presented with an ethical quandary that would also test the limits of viewers’ interest in reality spectacle. As it turns out, the controversy did little damage to the series’ ratings. The second-season premiere drew 2.2 million viewers, up 46% from the first-season debut. It has averaged 2.2 million viewers in the season that concludes Monday night, about the same number of viewers it drew the previous season.

“It was unlike anything we had ever encountered before,” said Andy Cohen, Bravo’s executive vice president of development and talent and an executive producer on the show, reflecting on the network’s struggle to decide how to proceed.

 News of Armstrong’s suicide in August came just as the anticipated second season was about to premiere. In the days after Russell’s death, implications and decisions were being weighed as the network faced difficult choices: scrap the season, edit either Taylor or Russell or both of them out, or proceed with the season as planned. Los Angeles Times TV critic Mary McNamara called for the season to be canceled, writing: “The allure of the ‘Real Housewives’ shows has been, in part, their celebration of the unreality of life — all those dinner party conversations that were just as manufactured and misguidedly narcissistic as the surgically altered faces … offstage a man was slowly moving toward self-destruction. How can we now watch and think of anything else?”

The network brass went into lockdown for three weeks, consulting with other housewives and with the show’s producers. Ultimately, they decided to proceed with the footage more or less as they had originally planned. Taylor’s story line focused on her as a woman dealing with domestic abuse and a dissolving marriage.

'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: To Sur, with love

I packed your nylons for you.

Let’s just leave that alone for a second.

This season, I have been complaining ceaselessly about two things: 1) Every episode of "RHOBH," and I mean EVERY, has been a fabulous party, jaunt, or repast, and 2) at these events, it has been impossible to tell if Taylor's and Kim’s unraveling lives are the producers’ invention or deserve an intervention.

This episode’s celebration, which took place at the launch of Lisa’s new Sur restaurant, squeezed reality between these two bookends of merriment and misery. While Lisa, Adrienne, Camille and Kyle swanned around beautifully, enjoying the company of their husbands, canapes and diamonds, Kim arrived late, in purple and insane, hiding from new boyfriend Ken in the bathroom. A newly separated Taylor even later, with her therapist in tow. (I’m going to have to try this maneuver sometime, if you can pay in pigs-in-a-blanket.) Even the villain Cedric made a brief and tumultuous appearance, leading my trusty viewing companion to finally wail, “Will there be any END to the arrivals to this party?”

NO. Because the major theme, of course, was breakdown -- not only of Taylor's and Kim’s relationships, but also of their psyches -- and we’re nearing the finale and the producers have to cram this all in before Pandora’s wedding.

Let’s start with Taylor. The episode began with her standing at her massive kitchen island with her therapist (he seems to have graduated to bespoke suits and cravats for these appearances) showing him a pink behavior chart she’d created for Kennedy. It stretched longer than a mortgage application, giving stars or X’s for behaviors like interrupting, leaving parties early and punching Taylor in the face. (Wait, that’s the one she should have created for Russell!) The therapist fingered it, then said, “This must have taken a lot of work,” an opaque statement to which Taylor responded with an enthusiastic nod. After that, he said, “But it’s really you and Russell that should be behaving, though, isn’t it?” Or that’s what he would have said had I been there to slap him upside the head with a Psychology 101 textbook.  

We then centered in on Kim and Ken, who were engaged in the difficult act of trying to leave a hotel room. Hence the spectacularly creepy “I packed your nylons for you” we see above, to which Kim responded by kneeling in the bathroom, applying makeup, and trying to take her (presumably prescription) drugs, which Ken eventually wrapped in a towel...did I get that right? Drugs wrapped in a towel, the better for which to Kim to lock herself in the bathroom and consume at Sur.

But the ladies saved the hard stuff for Sur. There, Kim arrived, with a much-lauded flat stomach, and immediately whispered to Adrienne that she was leaving Ken and it was “not working out.” She then darted away from Ken at every turn, finally finding a seat alone with Kyle, where she confessed that she spent every day crying, Ken put her down, and that she was leaving him. Kyle, who wept with her, seemed also strangely unsympathetic for someone who’d urged her sister to get out of the relationship, until, undaunted, Kim then confessed, despite the aforementioned flat stomach, that she was three months late on her period. 

Here, Kyle had the right answer. “Um ... no offense, but are you sure it’s not menopause?” she asked. Unlike the nearly sexegenerian Ramona on last season’s "RHONY," Kyle did not have a pregnancy test handy. But the two did pass a sisterly lip gloss wand back and forth before their respective mates sat down and interrupted the tete-a-tete.

Taylor’s entrance was a little more scripted. Gathering the ladies in a back room, with therapist at the head of the table, she apologized to the assembled for putting them in a bad position all season, explaining that the fading black eye precipitated her finally leaving. As she broke down, Kyle and Lisa murmured she had no reason to apologize, none at all, while a surprisingly adamant Adrienne rushed to Camille’s defense, stating she did in fact owe Camille an apology, you didn’t sue friends, and that Camille was putting herself in danger of a lawsuit by even sitting down at the table. Taylor took responsibility for this too, and the impromptu judges, wearing the preternaturally motionless foreheads of their station, finally all agreed to forgive, placing their hands over one another in a move I would like to dub the Diamond Huddle.

But to come back, finally, to the nylons, it seems the events that neatly hide all but the most advantageous showings for most of the Housewives -- Pandora’s engagement party; Adrienne’s triumph with the crowd in Sacramento; Kyle and Mauricio’s lip-glossed love -- are wearing terribly on the Housewives who can’t even maintain a public face. Literally, in Taylor and Kim’s case, as Taylor now sports a black eye, and Kim, who has entered rehab in real life, is either AWOL or in the bathroom.

Last week Lisa posted a pic from Pandora’s wedding on Twitter and I briefly imagined that there might be at least one Housewife content to keep a truly private event private, having already given viewers an engagement party and a hen party to enjoy. 

But, no. Again, we’re ending the season with a visibly menopausal woman claiming she is pregnant, and Pandora, like Ramona and Cynthia before her, descending the staircase like a terrible seed pod that bursts into a full-flowered bride. (Oh @BravoAndy, your wishful thinking is showing!)

I’m not saying we need to go all “An American Family” in the Housewives franchise, but when the balance is split between hiding abusive partners and showcasing million-dollar weddings, can viewers accept -- even encourage -- a bit more honesty? Would it kill us to see Lisa in sweats quarreling with Ken over the remote, if that meant the cameras also had to record Russell socking Taylor? 

Because it’s one thing when these fake-o events are harmless false advertising -- a blushing bride, a hot husband, two successful workaholics, a foul-mouthed Brandi. Only in Hollywood could a team of cameras set out to film reality and come back with some Dentyne-commercial-worthy performance. 

But if they’re hiding wife-beating, emotional abuse, and addiction, we have to rethink on who and what we're shining the light. 

RELATED:  

Taylor Armstrong talks to Andy Cohen about abuse, suicide

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: 'Depth Charges'

Complete Show Tracker coverage of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

— Lizzie Skurnick
Twitter/lizzieskurnick

Photo: "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" cast members (clockwise from top left): Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Taylor Armstrong, Kim Richards, Brandi Granville, Dana Wilkey, Kyle Richards and Camille Grammer. Credit: Richard McLaren / Bravo

‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: Depth Charges

Say what you will for Punta Cana, D.R. -- it’s no Lanai, Hawaii. But devoted viewers of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” could be forgiven for momentarily thinking they’d been beamed back into last season’s "RHONJ" getaway.

There, denizens of Wayne also frolicked on white beaches, competed for the mini-est bikini, invaded each others’ suites, went off on a blue-water cruise, and had a tense dinner from which one couple departed in a massive huff.

But Beverly Hills is no Wayne. (Do the Bev Hills ladies even know where Wayne is?) On Lanai, where wandering valets spray you with water and offer cooling cucumber slices, the suites are posher, the vistas more beauteous, the bikinis expensiver -- and the stakes, despite those cucumber slices, much, much higher.

Last week, we were treated to the shattering news that Taylor and Russell Armstrong’s marriage is over. But, though the assembled debated mightily whether the breakup, not the first, would last, it was another couple that sucked up most of the drama -- the tardy Kim Armstrong and her incredibly creepy boyfriend, Ken:

 

I haven’t always taken Kyle’s side, as I think she is often a big ol’ troublemaker. But watching Kim offer strained smiles to Ken as they missed every event in a massive cloud of mutual passive-aggression made me sympathetic to her sometime drama-queen sister.

After a day exploring fish on a catamaran with the assembled, even Mauricio went from snorkeling to snarkling, pressing Kim and Ken on why they were 36 hours late. Before offering a toast “to truth,” he noted, “When you lie, it makes tension, and nobody can have fun.” Mauricio, thank you! I think this might actually be the first useful thing uttered in Real Housewives history. And if I couldn’t add the observation that being surrounded by cameras 24/7 might also inhibit a) truth and b) fun, I’d be on board with your philosophy entirely.

On a lighter note, as I continue my investigations of the "RHOBH" relationships, I can’t help but notice the secret to a happy marriage may be to have relatively little interest in your husband. After humorously tolerating Ken’s ogling of Brandi -- whose rattling limb structure makes "RHOATL" supermodel Cynthia look positively rotund -- Lisa laughingly sighed she might have to put out that night. Adrienne groused how much she missed her children while Paul dragged her to a romantic lookout, where she noted “I couldn’t be there for more than 10 minutes. I’d get bored.” And Mauricio, pleading for a moment of attention, practically had to physically remove Kyle from the wall where she was eavesdropping on her sister instead of sharing a birthday margarita with her strapping, emotionally needy, super-hot husbs.

But the most serious run-down of relationships in this episode occurred in the preview of the next. There, we’re treated to a shocking shot of Taylor with a visible -- if fading -- black eye.

On the one hand, it explains why Bravo has been unsparing in its treatment of Russell, building up the narrative that he was secretly an out-of-control bully until we, the viewers, could see the undeniable proof. But it makes one wonder -- what would have happened if Russell had lived? We know he sent a litigious email to Camille simply for repeating Taylor’s confession that he’d broken her jaw off-camera. What has Bravo known about the off-camera abuse these two years? And would they have risked getting a nasty email of their own?

RELATED:  

Taylor Armstrong talks to Andy Cohen about abuse, suicide

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" recap: 'Horrors in Hawaii'

Complete Show Tracker coverage of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

— Lizzie Skurnick
Twitter/lizzieskurnick

Photo: "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" cast members (clockwise from top left): Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Taylor Armstrong, Kim Richards, Brandi Granville, Dana Wilkey, Kyle Richards and Camille Grammer. Credit: Richard McLaren / Bravo

'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: Horrors in Hawaii

If there’s a moment that encapsulates the absurd tragedy of this season of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” it’s when Kyle, in a face-eating pair of sunglasses, and Lisa, wearing inch-long false eyelashes resembling enormous Amazonian spiders, field a dramatic call from Taylor. Her voice breaking, Taylor says she’s decided to end her marriage to Russell. Kyle and Lisa pretend to be surprised.

Yet as Taylor poured out her heart all Icould about think were Lisa’s insane eyelashes. “If she wears those suckers on a Hawaiian beach during bright, gleaming daylight, then what does she wear when she really wants to go for broke?” I wondered. Then I began to calculate how much time Lisa must spend putting on her fake eyelashes, or more likely paying someone to do it for her, and I realized I hadn’t heard a word Taylor was saying. Such are the perils of watching “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”: There’s just so much fodder everywhere it can be awfully hard to stay focused. The episode as a whole was like this, full of silly, cartoonish distractions that momentarily took our minds off the monumental bummer of the Armstrongs’ failing marriage, Russell’s impending suicide, and Kim’s rapidly deteriorating mental state. 

It all begins at Kyle’s White Party in the tense, tear-streaked minutes after Taylor and Russell’s unceremonious departure. Kyle resolves to enjoy herself, an activity which for Kyle involves talking to perfect strangers about how upset she is, inhaling Fatburger fries and scowling at her sister across the dance floor. Looks like a blast! Meanwhile, Taylor and Russell are enduring one of the most uncomfortable limo rides in the history of reality television — and that’s saying a lot. Russell claims what Camille said was “an out-and-out lie,” while Taylor suggests it was merely an exaggeration. It’s a fairly typical semantic spat between spouses, except that the subject — domestic abuse — is gravely serious. The obliqueness of the Armstrongs’ conversation is what makes it all so bizarrely painful to watch.

 

2011's wackiest ‘Housewives’ mommy moments

Forget those mommy-and-me classes and all those pricey subscriptions to parenting magazines. For mothers looking for ways to bond with and/or raise their child, one need look no further than the sages of the "Real Housewives" franchise.

When they're not hurling expletives at each other while belly dancing or trying to write another cookbook we don't really need, some of them are mom's unknowingly serving as reference guides on how to rear children. Here are our favorite gems from 2011.

Let them into your drama so they can write sad songs: The last season of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" mostly centered on the family feud between Teresa and her little Hulk of a brother Joe. Christenings turned into UFC matches and holiday dinners were full of passive-aggressive insults. It all took a toll on Teresa's daughter Gia, who penned an agonizing musical plea for her mother and uncle to make amends. The song was about how she wakes up in the morning and goes to school and worries so much and puts makeup on, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do as Teresa does when the singing is over, clap and say, "Yay!"

Let it out: "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" newbie Brandi Glanville is a self-proclaimed hippie who likes to let it all hang out -- her often braless outfits suggest as much. So it's no surprise that when it comes to matters of the toilet she's just as free-spirited. If that means her little boy has to wee-wee on Adrienne Maloof's lawn during a barbecue, so be it. And he did -- we're sure he did it so his mother wouldn't have to endure the shame of hobbling to the bathroom on her crutches.

Instill the importance of appearance: First impressions are everything. And when Kim Zolciak's baby boy popped out, she wanted to ensure she greeted him with her best wig ensemble. Kim transported three wigs propped on mannequin heads to the hospital in the backseat of a vehicle -- with the seat belts locked to make sure they stayed in place. Nothing says "Happy Birth Day" like an extra-virgin olive oiled head of hair that isn't your own. 

Encourage bilingualism: Dana Wilkey ("Real Housewives of Beverly Hills") has a thing for Cavalli shorts, $25,000 sunglasses and incredibly sad-looking theme parties. She also likes to yammer on about how her 2-year-old can not only speak -- but also read -- Thai. Yeah, right! Well, she called our bluff, posting this video. Though, not being Thai-speakers ourselves, we can't really confirm what he's saying. But if he's anything like his mother it's probably something to the effect of, "This shirt cost $14,600."

Give them only the best for their birthday -- an "American Idol" reject: We're pretty sure Taylor Armstrong's 5-year-old daughter has no idea who Ace Young is -- how do we know? Because we barely remember him! So we weren't quite sure why he was enlisted to perform at the young girl's birthday party. Yes, we know it was a gift from Dana (which automatically renders it headscratching), but still. She's FIVE. Could Dana really not find a $5,000 coloring book?

What are your favorite 'Housewife' parenting scenes?

 RELATED:

2011 Best TV Meltdowns: From 'winning!' to whining

2011's Most Gruesome TV Deaths

Robert Lloyd's Top New TV of 2011

Mary McNamara's Top TV of 2011

-- Yvonne Villarreal

twitter.com/villarrealy

Photo: Teresa Guidice and  one of her daughters in an episode of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Credit: Bravo

'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap: 'Friends don't sue friends'

There’s a point in every episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” where I find myself wondering, “Is it all worth it?” This week, as Kyle Richards swanned about, crying glamorously over the various feuds erupting at her annual White Party, I had to wonder why any sane, already wealthy person would subject themselves to the exquisite torture of starring in a reality TV series. The emotions may be real, but the scenarios are, more often than not, highly orchestrated and entirely voluntarily. So why do it?

I suppose that’s a little like asking the sun not to shine, isn’t it? The thing that I find perplexing -- and extremely fascinating -- about several of the ladies of Beverly Hills is how they can, at times, seem eminently rational despite the fact that they’re doing one of the least sensible things a person can do.

Take Adrienne, for instance. This season she’s emerged as the linchpin of the series, the sage housewife forever trying to broker peace between her more hot-headed friends. As the episode begins she sits down with Paul to discuss the litigious email Russell sent to Camille. “Friends don’t sue friends,” she says, shaking her head in dismay. At this point you might find yourself saying, “No duh,” but this, dear reader, is what qualifies as emotional intelligence in the world of the Real Housewives.

Meanwhile Kyle is in last-minute party-planning frenzy, running around looking studiously disheveled in a banana clip and a “NOH8” T-shirt (that Kyle: never afraid to take a stance). On top of the usual hostess anxieties, Kyle’s nervous about Kim bringing her mystery boyfriend, Ken, and the ongoing tension with Brandi. “What am I supposed to do, have 10 different white parties?” she asks, pretending like she thinks that’s an absurd idea.   

Little does she know that a much larger brouhaha is looming. While her hair is setting, Kyle gets a call from Adrienne, who briefs her on Russell’s Email of Doom. She and Paul are still coming to the party, but they may have to extricate themselves if things get too crazy. Now here’s one of those classic, “Real Housewives” moments of cognitive dissonance. It’s mature, in a way, for Adrienne to call Kyle and be upfront about her trepidation. But then I remember the only reason the White Party — or any of the other highly staged events that have taken place over the course of the season — exists is to be a forum for drama.

And, oh, the drama that unfolded!