‘Dancing With the Stars’: Marissa Jaret Winokur’s time runs out

The results show this week got me a little misty-eyed, most notably during the “Thriller” tribute, which made me think of how productive Michael Jackson could have been if he hadn’t gotten so weird.  But I also got a little choked up when, at the end, we took a “video trip down memory lane” with Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony, who had just (or finally, depending upon your perspective) been eliminated.  Oh, Marissa, I will miss your ebullient personality, which gave me so many opportunities to use the word “ebullient.”

The bulk of this week’s filler was particularly enjoyable because it actually involved dancing.  The dancing kids who had been chosen in weeks past all came together tonight to compete; co-host Tom Bergeron made sure to note that we were to vote for the “most entertaining” pair, which is a key qualifier since the eldest couple, Brandon and Brittany, were clearly the best.  They performed an extremely fast, sharp and difficult-looking paso doble to “Phantom of the Opera.”  I don’t know what you’d call them, but the moves were elaborate and impressive, and Tom pointed out that all three of the judges’ jaws dropped.  Judge Bruno called it a “paso incredible,” judge Carrie Ann was “seriously impressed” and judge Len called it the “real deal,” in contrast to the other two couples, who were merely, if persuasively, cute.  Okay, that’s selling them short –- they were also good, just not quite as good.  Jaryd and Cara remained strong competitors by being extremely little during their samba to “Istanbul, Not Constantinople,” and Aaron and Rashell, while less little, did come across as very charming during their cha-cha to “Please Mr. Postman.”  We’ll find out the winner of that competition next week, but co-host Samantha Harris did reveal that all six kids and their families will get a trip to Disneyland!

I am not joking when I tell you that last night I had an extended anxiety dream in which I was a contestant on season seven of “Dancing With the Stars.”  In this dream, we were getting close to the first performance, and it suddenly dawned on me that everyone I knew would see me humiliated on television, and I stood at the craft-services table, picking at deli meat and trying to figure out if I could somehow bow out, such as by dying.  Fortunately, the dream then devolved into the classic anxiety dream of not being able to get where you’re going while taking an exam that you aren’t prepared for naked. 

Now, regarding the week nine performances, I’m going to speak to you frankly, America.  I’m going to be very disappointed in you if you keep Marissa Jaret Winokur in the race.  Yes, I realize that the parenting zeitgeist of the last 20 years does not permit me to criticize you, but we’re adults now, and a little tough love is in order.  Sure, she’s improved more than, say, Kristi Yamaguchi, but that’s because Kristi was already really good.  And, you know, Kristi deserves some credit for that.  Although the judges will no longer give a score lower than an eight, thereby causing the contestants’ scores to end up all stacked together, that doesn’t mean there aren’t big differences.  Most Improved is not the same as MVP.  I know this because I got the Most Improved trophy in eighth-grade basketball, and, trust me, it wasn’t a compliment.

So where are we after tonight, when each couple drew one ballroom and one Latin dance out of a hat?  In first place were Kristi and Mark with 57/60.  Just behind them at 56/60 were Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl, and just behind them were Cristián’s new BFF Jason Taylor and Edyta with 55/60.  So, you see, the fact that Marissa and Tony earned 52/60 is significant.  Sure, it’s just five points behind Kristi and Mark, but those five points should have a multiplier attached to them, like dog years.

When I signed on to be a Show Tracker, I don’t think I realized how stressful it could be.  See, time is of the essence; you can’t just save something on your TiVo and then watch it when you want to, glass/bottle of wine in hand.  No, you’ve got to post right away, which means that when your local ABC affiliate (not naming any names, KCRG) repeatedly cuts away to inform you of severe weather in distant counties, you resent it.  It occurs to you that perhaps some parameters should be established for what constitutes severe weather, particularly here in the Upper Midwest, where, you know, people are used to it.  And here’s what I’ve come up with: I don’t want to hear about it unless it involves a tornado (F2 or higher) or can be slipped in during a commercial break.  At the fourth or fifth interruption, the meteorologist at least expressed awareness that we wanted to be watching "DWTS," and, thankfully, we got to see the elimination segments.  (I did line up a backup viewer on the West Coast, however, in case I missed any dramatic moments.  That’s how committed I am to you.)

So tonight was the 100th episode of "DWTS," and, to celebrate, the judges picked their top 10 dances of the first five seasons, and Marissa Jaret Winokur’s fans prevented her from being eliminated.  Let’s start with the top 10 dances (all of which received perfect scores) in reverse order.  At 10th was season one champions Kelly Monaco and Alec’s dance from the sixth week: a freestyle number with lots of spinning and lifting.  In ninth place we see season five contestants Sabrina Bryan and Mark performing a paso doble that, as judge Bruno suggested, showed what might have been, had they not been so rudely eliminated.  Eighth place went to season three champions Emmitt Smith and Cheryl for a very enthusiastic cha-cha that really didn’t look much like a cha-cha to me.  Season four winners Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne got seventh place for a lively quickstep, and fellow season four contestants Joey Fatone and Kym landed in sixth place for a jive that was extremely fun, if not entirely smooth. 

Sure, I could lead off with a one-armed-man joke, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  Besides, the one-armed-man lobby would be all over me, and their power is eclipsed only by that of Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Oil, the financial-services, gun and mining lobbies, the AARP and Oprah.

Anyway, last week, Cristián de la Fuente ruptured his bicep and considered leaving the show, but then realized he could get paid for another week.  He and partner Cheryl were assigned the tango and the mambo this time, and Cheryl developed some clever choreography that would camouflage Cristián’s lame limb.  The costume department, however, decided to call attention to it during the mambo by placing his arm in what appeared to be a sequined lymphedema sleeve.  But I’m getting ahead of myself –- their first dance was the tango, and this was one instance in which I felt it was appropriate to have a distracting, tango-ized version of a modern song (in this case, “Beat It”); the familiarity of the tune and its overbearing lyrics infused the dance with some energy, though, really, I thought Cristián was moving rather stiffly, gingerly and –- I hate to say it -- constipatedly.  The judges, however, thought it was perfect, and judge Carrie Ann even coughed up a 10, giving them a 28/30.  This meant that when Cristián and Cheryl performed a legitimately lively mambo that had some excellent hip action and footwork, the judges had no choice but to go even higher, giving them a 29/30, for a total of 57/60 and first place.

Last week, the judges decreed that since all the young people wanted to do lifts anyway, they were going to OK one per dance, so long as it was in the character of that particular style.  This meant that every star this week wanted nothing more than to be liftier than the next guy/gal, which I worried would turn into the dance equivalent of national-anthem singers going so nuts with the “and the land of the free” line that the song becomes both unrecognizable and unbearable.  But I also kind of hoped it might result in a slapstick splat.  Neither transpired.  Some of the lifts were certainly gratuitous, but the audience, of course, adored them (really, their affection is so cheaply won), and no catastrophic tumbles occurred.  The judges didn’t even criticize the lifts; perhaps, like parents of teenagers, they felt that since they’d given an inch, they could no longer enforce any boundaries. 

Well, despite their best efforts to show that they’d undergone a complete attitude revolution, Shannon Elizabeth and partner Derek got the ax this week.  If you’re a celebrity on, let’s say, the D through B-minus lists, and you’re considering signing up to be a "Dancing With the Stars" contestant in the future, let this be a lesson to you: Do not violate the sacred "DWTS" ethos of peppy persistence.  You might want to start practicing the following lines now: (1) "We’re just having such a blast," (2) " 'DWTS' has changed my life" and (3) "You just have to go out there and give it your best shot."  Granted, these are necessary but not sufficient –- otherwise, Steve Guttenberg would still be with us.

I’ll hand it to the "DWTS" people this week: They really made the most of Cristián de la Fuente’s injury.  Instead of engineered and flimsy suspense, there was engineered and palpable suspense.  Would Cristián wait to find out his fate, or would he drop out?  First, we learned more about the injury itself.  Partner Cheryl said she’d heard a pop, which she initially thought was her dress (and, hey, kudos to her for not freaking out that she had been inadvertently denuded), but it turned out to be Cristián’s arm.  Eventually, we found out from Cristián that his injury was not a “severe muscle cramp,” as the emergency medical technician had (perhaps condescendingly) called it, but rather a ruptured tendon in his bicep that would require surgery.  Co-host Tom Bergeron asked whether Cristián wanted to continue competing (if fate would permit it), and I found that I was actually a little on the edge of my seat.  Maybe this was because Tom had already tantalizingly told us that some new information had come in just before the show.  It turned out that the new information was that the doctor could delay the surgery if Cristián wanted to continue, which he did.  Now, you already know that he was spared this week –- he wasn’t even in the bottom two –- so I can’t re-create that moment here.  It will be interesting to see a couple of things going forward: First, how long the sympathy card will keep him in competition, and second, how well he can dance without using his left bicep.  I find I use my bicep for numerous actions each day, including lifting my child, drinking coffee and/or cocktails, and clocking anyone who dares insinuate that "DWTS" is for sissies.  It strikes me that you really need your biceps in ballroom dancing, particularly when you’re the man.

The other couple in the bottom two was Marissa Jaret Winokur and partner Tony, despite their strong scores from the judges this week.  I wonder whether all of those fans keeping Marissa in the game shifted their support to Cristián this week.  I also wonder whether the fact that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark finished second this week wasn’t actually a good thing for them in that it may have forced people to vote for them instead of assuming they’d easily go through to next week.  Discuss.

As a relative newcomer to "Dancing with the Stars," I sometimes can’t tell at first whether something that seems off in a dance is intentional or not. But even I could tell everything had gone horribly awry in Cristián de la Fuente’s second dance with Cheryl this week. The dance started off typically -- in other words, Cristián moved around fluidly while Cheryl performed all of the fireworks maneuvers -- but about two-thirds of the way in, all kinds of weird errors started happening in rapid succession. Oh, and Cristián was flagrantly rubbing his arm. And then he and Cheryl fell down at the end. Co-host Tom Bergeron made the executive decision to cut to a commercial, and when we returned, we found that Cristián had suffered a “severe muscle cramp,” as diagnosed by the show’s emergency medical technician. The judges said they would judge up until the injury, and this translated into sevens all around. Their first dance -- a Viennese waltz -- had been positively received (though the judges cited a slight lack of energy and “content”) and scored 25/30. The combined score was therefore 46/60, which, I’m afraid, doesn’t bode well for them unless they get a large number of sympathy votes.  They’re in last place –- and by five points. Last we heard, Cristián was off to the hospital, and Tom promised us an update tonight.

While Cristián’s injury was certainly the most dramatic moment of the show, it was hardly the only noteworthy item.

All right, "Dancing with the Stars" fans, let's cut to what you really want to know: Did musical guest Ashlee Simpson look pregnant, as has been rumored? I thought I might have detected a not-one-hundred-percent-flat stomach underneath her flitty little skirt, but, then again, the wardrobe people seem to make skinny Samantha Harris look pudgy about three-quarters of the time (including tonight), so who knows?

Oh, that's not what you wanted to know? Was it which pair of child dancers won this week? Let me say this: They were both formidable competitors. Brandon and Brittany, both 13, performed an incredibly clean and sharp cha cha cha, earning raves from the judges, even though Brittany is deaf in one ear. The other pair, Austin and Liza, both 12, danced a highly entertaining samba, though in the end they perhaps fell victim to that most insidious of enemies -- puberty. You see, Liza was a good bit taller than Austin, and even his fabulously fancy footwork couldn't save them. Brandon and Brittany will compete again later in the season, even though you could tell everyone just had more fun during Austin and Liza's dance.I'd like to tell you about the special performance by Riverdance, but the thing about Riverdance is that it is basically a form of hypnosis. The (many, many) dancers don't move their arms much, so you just see their rigid upper bodies while their feet stomp and tap in impressive unison, and the next thing you know, you come out of a trance in an Eastern European capital, holding a briefcase full of state secrets and having no recollection of how you got there.

Now, whoever's in charge of these things at "DWTS" decided to stir up a little drama Tuesday night. Yes, Marlee Matlin and Fabian were the first couple of the night consigned to the Red Light of Abject Degradation but instead of throwing in another plausibly imperiled couple, three high-scoring couples remained endangered until nearly the end of the show: Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark, Jason Taylor and Edyta, and Mario and Karina. I just want you to know,
America, that if Kristi had been in the bottom two, I might have had to move to another country. Another English-speaking country. Where the dollar is strong. New Zealand, maybe. Actually, I just looked that up, and it isn't promising.

Now, Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were the first couple saved, which I found somewhat irritating. You see, I've been rooting for Shannon, but the last couple of weeks she's been so petulant about receiving criticism, and this violation of the sacred "DWTS" ethos of cheery persistence didn't sit well with me. And this week, we see footage of her crying and complaining about the judges, who dared criticize her when she's trying so hard, and I wanted her to suffer in the red light for a bit.

Alas.

Samantha again tried to press Derek and Shannon about their show-mance to no avail. Shannon did apologize to the audience for being so heated after the competition, but I didn't think she meant it. Adjust that attitude for next week, young lady!

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Will Marissa Jaret Winokur's fans rally again?

I am not joking when I tell you that last night I had an extended anxiety dream in which I was a contestant on season seven of “Dancing With the Stars.”  In this dream, we were getting close to the first performance, and it suddenly dawned on me that everyone I knew would see me humiliated on television, and I stood at the craft-services table, picking at deli meat and trying to figure out if I could somehow bow out, such as by dying.  Fortunately, the dream then devolved into the classic anxiety dream of not being able to get where you’re going while taking an exam that you aren’t prepared for naked. 

Now, regarding the week nine performances, I’m going to speak to you frankly, America.  I’m going to be very disappointed in you if you keep Marissa Jaret Winokur in the race.  Yes, I realize that the parenting zeitgeist of the last 20 years does not permit me to criticize you, but we’re adults now, and a little tough love is in order.  Sure, she’s improved more than, say, Kristi Yamaguchi, but that’s because Kristi was already really good.  And, you know, Kristi deserves some credit for that.  Although the judges will no longer give a score lower than an eight, thereby causing the contestants’ scores to end up all stacked together, that doesn’t mean there aren’t big differences.  Most Improved is not the same as MVP.  I know this because I got the Most Improved trophy in eighth-grade basketball, and, trust me, it wasn’t a compliment.

So where are we after tonight, when each couple drew one ballroom and one Latin dance out of a hat?  In first place were Kristi and Mark with 57/60.  Just behind them at 56/60 were Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl, and just behind them were Cristián’s new BFF Jason Taylor and Edyta with 55/60.  So, you see, the fact that Marissa and Tony earned 52/60 is significant.  Sure, it’s just five points behind Kristi and Mark, but those five points should have a multiplier attached to them, like dog years.

When I signed on to be a Show Tracker, I don’t think I realized how stressful it could be.  See, time is of the essence; you can’t just save something on your TiVo and then watch it when you want to, glass/bottle of wine in hand.  No, you’ve got to post right away, which means that when your local ABC affiliate (not naming any names, KCRG) repeatedly cuts away to inform you of severe weather in distant counties, you resent it.  It occurs to you that perhaps some parameters should be established for what constitutes severe weather, particularly here in the Upper Midwest, where, you know, people are used to it.  And here’s what I’ve come up with: I don’t want to hear about it unless it involves a tornado (F2 or higher) or can be slipped in during a commercial break.  At the fourth or fifth interruption, the meteorologist at least expressed awareness that we wanted to be watching "DWTS," and, thankfully, we got to see the elimination segments.  (I did line up a backup viewer on the West Coast, however, in case I missed any dramatic moments.  That’s how committed I am to you.)

So tonight was the 100th episode of "DWTS," and, to celebrate, the judges picked their top 10 dances of the first five seasons, and Marissa Jaret Winokur’s fans prevented her from being eliminated.  Let’s start with the top 10 dances (all of which received perfect scores) in reverse order.  At 10th was season one champions Kelly Monaco and Alec’s dance from the sixth week: a freestyle number with lots of spinning and lifting.  In ninth place we see season five contestants Sabrina Bryan and Mark performing a paso doble that, as judge Bruno suggested, showed what might have been, had they not been so rudely eliminated.  Eighth place went to season three champions Emmitt Smith and Cheryl for a very enthusiastic cha-cha that really didn’t look much like a cha-cha to me.  Season four winners Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne got seventh place for a lively quickstep, and fellow season four contestants Joey Fatone and Kym landed in sixth place for a jive that was extremely fun, if not entirely smooth. 

Sure, I could lead off with a one-armed-man joke, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  Besides, the one-armed-man lobby would be all over me, and their power is eclipsed only by that of Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Oil, the financial-services, gun and mining lobbies, the AARP and Oprah.

Anyway, last week, Cristián de la Fuente ruptured his bicep and considered leaving the show, but then realized he could get paid for another week.  He and partner Cheryl were assigned the tango and the mambo this time, and Cheryl developed some clever choreography that would camouflage Cristián’s lame limb.  The costume department, however, decided to call attention to it during the mambo by placing his arm in what appeared to be a sequined lymphedema sleeve.  But I’m getting ahead of myself –- their first dance was the tango, and this was one instance in which I felt it was appropriate to have a distracting, tango-ized version of a modern song (in this case, “Beat It”); the familiarity of the tune and its overbearing lyrics infused the dance with some energy, though, really, I thought Cristián was moving rather stiffly, gingerly and –- I hate to say it -- constipatedly.  The judges, however, thought it was perfect, and judge Carrie Ann even coughed up a 10, giving them a 28/30.  This meant that when Cristián and Cheryl performed a legitimately lively mambo that had some excellent hip action and footwork, the judges had no choice but to go even higher, giving them a 29/30, for a total of 57/60 and first place.

Last week, the judges decreed that since all the young people wanted to do lifts anyway, they were going to OK one per dance, so long as it was in the character of that particular style.  This meant that every star this week wanted nothing more than to be liftier than the next guy/gal, which I worried would turn into the dance equivalent of national-anthem singers going so nuts with the “and the land of the free” line that the song becomes both unrecognizable and unbearable.  But I also kind of hoped it might result in a slapstick splat.  Neither transpired.  Some of the lifts were certainly gratuitous, but the audience, of course, adored them (really, their affection is so cheaply won), and no catastrophic tumbles occurred.  The judges didn’t even criticize the lifts; perhaps, like parents of teenagers, they felt that since they’d given an inch, they could no longer enforce any boundaries. 

Well, despite their best efforts to show that they’d undergone a complete attitude revolution, Shannon Elizabeth and partner Derek got the ax this week.  If you’re a celebrity on, let’s say, the D through B-minus lists, and you’re considering signing up to be a "Dancing With the Stars" contestant in the future, let this be a lesson to you: Do not violate the sacred "DWTS" ethos of peppy persistence.  You might want to start practicing the following lines now: (1) "We’re just having such a blast," (2) " 'DWTS' has changed my life" and (3) "You just have to go out there and give it your best shot."  Granted, these are necessary but not sufficient –- otherwise, Steve Guttenberg would still be with us.

I’ll hand it to the "DWTS" people this week: They really made the most of Cristián de la Fuente’s injury.  Instead of engineered and flimsy suspense, there was engineered and palpable suspense.  Would Cristián wait to find out his fate, or would he drop out?  First, we learned more about the injury itself.  Partner Cheryl said she’d heard a pop, which she initially thought was her dress (and, hey, kudos to her for not freaking out that she had been inadvertently denuded), but it turned out to be Cristián’s arm.  Eventually, we found out from Cristián that his injury was not a “severe muscle cramp,” as the emergency medical technician had (perhaps condescendingly) called it, but rather a ruptured tendon in his bicep that would require surgery.  Co-host Tom Bergeron asked whether Cristián wanted to continue competing (if fate would permit it), and I found that I was actually a little on the edge of my seat.  Maybe this was because Tom had already tantalizingly told us that some new information had come in just before the show.  It turned out that the new information was that the doctor could delay the surgery if Cristián wanted to continue, which he did.  Now, you already know that he was spared this week –- he wasn’t even in the bottom two –- so I can’t re-create that moment here.  It will be interesting to see a couple of things going forward: First, how long the sympathy card will keep him in competition, and second, how well he can dance without using his left bicep.  I find I use my bicep for numerous actions each day, including lifting my child, drinking coffee and/or cocktails, and clocking anyone who dares insinuate that "DWTS" is for sissies.  It strikes me that you really need your biceps in ballroom dancing, particularly when you’re the man.

The other couple in the bottom two was Marissa Jaret Winokur and partner Tony, despite their strong scores from the judges this week.  I wonder whether all of those fans keeping Marissa in the game shifted their support to Cristián this week.  I also wonder whether the fact that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark finished second this week wasn’t actually a good thing for them in that it may have forced people to vote for them instead of assuming they’d easily go through to next week.  Discuss.

As a relative newcomer to "Dancing with the Stars," I sometimes can’t tell at first whether something that seems off in a dance is intentional or not. But even I could tell everything had gone horribly awry in Cristián de la Fuente’s second dance with Cheryl this week. The dance started off typically -- in other words, Cristián moved around fluidly while Cheryl performed all of the fireworks maneuvers -- but about two-thirds of the way in, all kinds of weird errors started happening in rapid succession. Oh, and Cristián was flagrantly rubbing his arm. And then he and Cheryl fell down at the end. Co-host Tom Bergeron made the executive decision to cut to a commercial, and when we returned, we found that Cristián had suffered a “severe muscle cramp,” as diagnosed by the show’s emergency medical technician. The judges said they would judge up until the injury, and this translated into sevens all around. Their first dance -- a Viennese waltz -- had been positively received (though the judges cited a slight lack of energy and “content”) and scored 25/30. The combined score was therefore 46/60, which, I’m afraid, doesn’t bode well for them unless they get a large number of sympathy votes.  They’re in last place –- and by five points. Last we heard, Cristián was off to the hospital, and Tom promised us an update tonight.

While Cristián’s injury was certainly the most dramatic moment of the show, it was hardly the only noteworthy item.

All right, "Dancing with the Stars" fans, let's cut to what you really want to know: Did musical guest Ashlee Simpson look pregnant, as has been rumored? I thought I might have detected a not-one-hundred-percent-flat stomach underneath her flitty little skirt, but, then again, the wardrobe people seem to make skinny Samantha Harris look pudgy about three-quarters of the time (including tonight), so who knows?

Oh, that's not what you wanted to know? Was it which pair of child dancers won this week? Let me say this: They were both formidable competitors. Brandon and Brittany, both 13, performed an incredibly clean and sharp cha cha cha, earning raves from the judges, even though Brittany is deaf in one ear. The other pair, Austin and Liza, both 12, danced a highly entertaining samba, though in the end they perhaps fell victim to that most insidious of enemies -- puberty. You see, Liza was a good bit taller than Austin, and even his fabulously fancy footwork couldn't save them. Brandon and Brittany will compete again later in the season, even though you could tell everyone just had more fun during Austin and Liza's dance.I'd like to tell you about the special performance by Riverdance, but the thing about Riverdance is that it is basically a form of hypnosis. The (many, many) dancers don't move their arms much, so you just see their rigid upper bodies while their feet stomp and tap in impressive unison, and the next thing you know, you come out of a trance in an Eastern European capital, holding a briefcase full of state secrets and having no recollection of how you got there.

Now, whoever's in charge of these things at "DWTS" decided to stir up a little drama Tuesday night. Yes, Marlee Matlin and Fabian were the first couple of the night consigned to the Red Light of Abject Degradation but instead of throwing in another plausibly imperiled couple, three high-scoring couples remained endangered until nearly the end of the show: Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark, Jason Taylor and Edyta, and Mario and Karina. I just want you to know,
America, that if Kristi had been in the bottom two, I might have had to move to another country. Another English-speaking country. Where the dollar is strong. New Zealand, maybe. Actually, I just looked that up, and it isn't promising.

Now, Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were the first couple saved, which I found somewhat irritating. You see, I've been rooting for Shannon, but the last couple of weeks she's been so petulant about receiving criticism, and this violation of the sacred "DWTS" ethos of cheery persistence didn't sit well with me. And this week, we see footage of her crying and complaining about the judges, who dared criticize her when she's trying so hard, and I wanted her to suffer in the red light for a bit.

Alas.

Samantha again tried to press Derek and Shannon about their show-mance to no avail. Shannon did apologize to the audience for being so heated after the competition, but I didn't think she meant it. Adjust that attitude for next week, young lady!

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': The 100th episode

When I signed on to be a Show Tracker, I don’t think I realized how stressful it could be.  See, time is of the essence; you can’t just save something on your TiVo and then watch it when you want to, glass/bottle of wine in hand.  No, you’ve got to post right away, which means that when your local ABC affiliate (not naming any names, KCRG) repeatedly cuts away to inform you of severe weather in distant counties, you resent it.  It occurs to you that perhaps some parameters should be established for what constitutes severe weather, particularly here in the Upper Midwest, where, you know, people are used to it.  And here’s what I’ve come up with: I don’t want to hear about it unless it involves a tornado (F2 or higher) or can be slipped in during a commercial break.  At the fourth or fifth interruption, the meteorologist at least expressed awareness that we wanted to be watching "DWTS," and, thankfully, we got to see the elimination segments.  (I did line up a backup viewer on the West Coast, however, in case I missed any dramatic moments.  That’s how committed I am to you.)

So tonight was the 100th episode of "DWTS," and, to celebrate, the judges picked their top 10 dances of the first five seasons, and Marissa Jaret Winokur’s fans prevented her from being eliminated.  Let’s start with the top 10 dances (all of which received perfect scores) in reverse order.  At 10th was season one champions Kelly Monaco and Alec’s dance from the sixth week: a freestyle number with lots of spinning and lifting.  In ninth place we see season five contestants Sabrina Bryan and Mark performing a paso doble that, as judge Bruno suggested, showed what might have been, had they not been so rudely eliminated.  Eighth place went to season three champions Emmitt Smith and Cheryl for a very enthusiastic cha-cha that really didn’t look much like a cha-cha to me.  Season four winners Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne got seventh place for a lively quickstep, and fellow season four contestants Joey Fatone and Kym landed in sixth place for a jive that was extremely fun, if not entirely smooth. 

Sure, I could lead off with a one-armed-man joke, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  Besides, the one-armed-man lobby would be all over me, and their power is eclipsed only by that of Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Oil, the financial-services, gun and mining lobbies, the AARP and Oprah.

Anyway, last week, Cristián de la Fuente ruptured his bicep and considered leaving the show, but then realized he could get paid for another week.  He and partner Cheryl were assigned the tango and the mambo this time, and Cheryl developed some clever choreography that would camouflage Cristián’s lame limb.  The costume department, however, decided to call attention to it during the mambo by placing his arm in what appeared to be a sequined lymphedema sleeve.  But I’m getting ahead of myself –- their first dance was the tango, and this was one instance in which I felt it was appropriate to have a distracting, tango-ized version of a modern song (in this case, “Beat It”); the familiarity of the tune and its overbearing lyrics infused the dance with some energy, though, really, I thought Cristián was moving rather stiffly, gingerly and –- I hate to say it -- constipatedly.  The judges, however, thought it was perfect, and judge Carrie Ann even coughed up a 10, giving them a 28/30.  This meant that when Cristián and Cheryl performed a legitimately lively mambo that had some excellent hip action and footwork, the judges had no choice but to go even higher, giving them a 29/30, for a total of 57/60 and first place.

Last week, the judges decreed that since all the young people wanted to do lifts anyway, they were going to OK one per dance, so long as it was in the character of that particular style.  This meant that every star this week wanted nothing more than to be liftier than the next guy/gal, which I worried would turn into the dance equivalent of national-anthem singers going so nuts with the “and the land of the free” line that the song becomes both unrecognizable and unbearable.  But I also kind of hoped it might result in a slapstick splat.  Neither transpired.  Some of the lifts were certainly gratuitous, but the audience, of course, adored them (really, their affection is so cheaply won), and no catastrophic tumbles occurred.  The judges didn’t even criticize the lifts; perhaps, like parents of teenagers, they felt that since they’d given an inch, they could no longer enforce any boundaries. 

Well, despite their best efforts to show that they’d undergone a complete attitude revolution, Shannon Elizabeth and partner Derek got the ax this week.  If you’re a celebrity on, let’s say, the D through B-minus lists, and you’re considering signing up to be a "Dancing With the Stars" contestant in the future, let this be a lesson to you: Do not violate the sacred "DWTS" ethos of peppy persistence.  You might want to start practicing the following lines now: (1) "We’re just having such a blast," (2) " 'DWTS' has changed my life" and (3) "You just have to go out there and give it your best shot."  Granted, these are necessary but not sufficient –- otherwise, Steve Guttenberg would still be with us.

I’ll hand it to the "DWTS" people this week: They really made the most of Cristián de la Fuente’s injury.  Instead of engineered and flimsy suspense, there was engineered and palpable suspense.  Would Cristián wait to find out his fate, or would he drop out?  First, we learned more about the injury itself.  Partner Cheryl said she’d heard a pop, which she initially thought was her dress (and, hey, kudos to her for not freaking out that she had been inadvertently denuded), but it turned out to be Cristián’s arm.  Eventually, we found out from Cristián that his injury was not a “severe muscle cramp,” as the emergency medical technician had (perhaps condescendingly) called it, but rather a ruptured tendon in his bicep that would require surgery.  Co-host Tom Bergeron asked whether Cristián wanted to continue competing (if fate would permit it), and I found that I was actually a little on the edge of my seat.  Maybe this was because Tom had already tantalizingly told us that some new information had come in just before the show.  It turned out that the new information was that the doctor could delay the surgery if Cristián wanted to continue, which he did.  Now, you already know that he was spared this week –- he wasn’t even in the bottom two –- so I can’t re-create that moment here.  It will be interesting to see a couple of things going forward: First, how long the sympathy card will keep him in competition, and second, how well he can dance without using his left bicep.  I find I use my bicep for numerous actions each day, including lifting my child, drinking coffee and/or cocktails, and clocking anyone who dares insinuate that "DWTS" is for sissies.  It strikes me that you really need your biceps in ballroom dancing, particularly when you’re the man.

The other couple in the bottom two was Marissa Jaret Winokur and partner Tony, despite their strong scores from the judges this week.  I wonder whether all of those fans keeping Marissa in the game shifted their support to Cristián this week.  I also wonder whether the fact that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark finished second this week wasn’t actually a good thing for them in that it may have forced people to vote for them instead of assuming they’d easily go through to next week.  Discuss.

As a relative newcomer to "Dancing with the Stars," I sometimes can’t tell at first whether something that seems off in a dance is intentional or not. But even I could tell everything had gone horribly awry in Cristián de la Fuente’s second dance with Cheryl this week. The dance started off typically -- in other words, Cristián moved around fluidly while Cheryl performed all of the fireworks maneuvers -- but about two-thirds of the way in, all kinds of weird errors started happening in rapid succession. Oh, and Cristián was flagrantly rubbing his arm. And then he and Cheryl fell down at the end. Co-host Tom Bergeron made the executive decision to cut to a commercial, and when we returned, we found that Cristián had suffered a “severe muscle cramp,” as diagnosed by the show’s emergency medical technician. The judges said they would judge up until the injury, and this translated into sevens all around. Their first dance -- a Viennese waltz -- had been positively received (though the judges cited a slight lack of energy and “content”) and scored 25/30. The combined score was therefore 46/60, which, I’m afraid, doesn’t bode well for them unless they get a large number of sympathy votes.  They’re in last place –- and by five points. Last we heard, Cristián was off to the hospital, and Tom promised us an update tonight.

While Cristián’s injury was certainly the most dramatic moment of the show, it was hardly the only noteworthy item.

All right, "Dancing with the Stars" fans, let's cut to what you really want to know: Did musical guest Ashlee Simpson look pregnant, as has been rumored? I thought I might have detected a not-one-hundred-percent-flat stomach underneath her flitty little skirt, but, then again, the wardrobe people seem to make skinny Samantha Harris look pudgy about three-quarters of the time (including tonight), so who knows?

Oh, that's not what you wanted to know? Was it which pair of child dancers won this week? Let me say this: They were both formidable competitors. Brandon and Brittany, both 13, performed an incredibly clean and sharp cha cha cha, earning raves from the judges, even though Brittany is deaf in one ear. The other pair, Austin and Liza, both 12, danced a highly entertaining samba, though in the end they perhaps fell victim to that most insidious of enemies -- puberty. You see, Liza was a good bit taller than Austin, and even his fabulously fancy footwork couldn't save them. Brandon and Brittany will compete again later in the season, even though you could tell everyone just had more fun during Austin and Liza's dance.I'd like to tell you about the special performance by Riverdance, but the thing about Riverdance is that it is basically a form of hypnosis. The (many, many) dancers don't move their arms much, so you just see their rigid upper bodies while their feet stomp and tap in impressive unison, and the next thing you know, you come out of a trance in an Eastern European capital, holding a briefcase full of state secrets and having no recollection of how you got there.

Now, whoever's in charge of these things at "DWTS" decided to stir up a little drama Tuesday night. Yes, Marlee Matlin and Fabian were the first couple of the night consigned to the Red Light of Abject Degradation but instead of throwing in another plausibly imperiled couple, three high-scoring couples remained endangered until nearly the end of the show: Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark, Jason Taylor and Edyta, and Mario and Karina. I just want you to know,
America, that if Kristi had been in the bottom two, I might have had to move to another country. Another English-speaking country. Where the dollar is strong. New Zealand, maybe. Actually, I just looked that up, and it isn't promising.

Now, Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were the first couple saved, which I found somewhat irritating. You see, I've been rooting for Shannon, but the last couple of weeks she's been so petulant about receiving criticism, and this violation of the sacred "DWTS" ethos of cheery persistence didn't sit well with me. And this week, we see footage of her crying and complaining about the judges, who dared criticize her when she's trying so hard, and I wanted her to suffer in the red light for a bit.

Alas.

Samantha again tried to press Derek and Shannon about their show-mance to no avail. Shannon did apologize to the audience for being so heated after the competition, but I didn't think she meant it. Adjust that attitude for next week, young lady!

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

‘Dancing With the Stars’: Cristián de la Fuente wrests away lead using only one arm

Sure, I could lead off with a one-armed-man joke, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  Besides, the one-armed-man lobby would be all over me, and their power is eclipsed only by that of Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Oil, the financial-services, gun and mining lobbies, the AARP and Oprah.

Anyway, last week, Cristián de la Fuente ruptured his bicep and considered leaving the show, but then realized he could get paid for another week.  He and partner Cheryl were assigned the tango and the mambo this time, and Cheryl developed some clever choreography that would camouflage Cristián’s lame limb.  The costume department, however, decided to call attention to it during the mambo by placing his arm in what appeared to be a sequined lymphedema sleeve.  But I’m getting ahead of myself –- their first dance was the tango, and this was one instance in which I felt it was appropriate to have a distracting, tango-ized version of a modern song (in this case, “Beat It”); the familiarity of the tune and its overbearing lyrics infused the dance with some energy, though, really, I thought Cristián was moving rather stiffly, gingerly and –- I hate to say it -- constipatedly.  The judges, however, thought it was perfect, and judge Carrie Ann even coughed up a 10, giving them a 28/30.  This meant that when Cristián and Cheryl performed a legitimately lively mambo that had some excellent hip action and footwork, the judges had no choice but to go even higher, giving them a 29/30, for a total of 57/60 and first place.

Last week, the judges decreed that since all the young people wanted to do lifts anyway, they were going to OK one per dance, so long as it was in the character of that particular style.  This meant that every star this week wanted nothing more than to be liftier than the next guy/gal, which I worried would turn into the dance equivalent of national-anthem singers going so nuts with the “and the land of the free” line that the song becomes both unrecognizable and unbearable.  But I also kind of hoped it might result in a slapstick splat.  Neither transpired.  Some of the lifts were certainly gratuitous, but the audience, of course, adored them (really, their affection is so cheaply won), and no catastrophic tumbles occurred.  The judges didn’t even criticize the lifts; perhaps, like parents of teenagers, they felt that since they’d given an inch, they could no longer enforce any boundaries. 

Well, despite their best efforts to show that they’d undergone a complete attitude revolution, Shannon Elizabeth and partner Derek got the ax this week.  If you’re a celebrity on, let’s say, the D through B-minus lists, and you’re considering signing up to be a "Dancing With the Stars" contestant in the future, let this be a lesson to you: Do not violate the sacred "DWTS" ethos of peppy persistence.  You might want to start practicing the following lines now: (1) "We’re just having such a blast," (2) " 'DWTS' has changed my life" and (3) "You just have to go out there and give it your best shot."  Granted, these are necessary but not sufficient –- otherwise, Steve Guttenberg would still be with us.

I’ll hand it to the "DWTS" people this week: They really made the most of Cristián de la Fuente’s injury.  Instead of engineered and flimsy suspense, there was engineered and palpable suspense.  Would Cristián wait to find out his fate, or would he drop out?  First, we learned more about the injury itself.  Partner Cheryl said she’d heard a pop, which she initially thought was her dress (and, hey, kudos to her for not freaking out that she had been inadvertently denuded), but it turned out to be Cristián’s arm.  Eventually, we found out from Cristián that his injury was not a “severe muscle cramp,” as the emergency medical technician had (perhaps condescendingly) called it, but rather a ruptured tendon in his bicep that would require surgery.  Co-host Tom Bergeron asked whether Cristián wanted to continue competing (if fate would permit it), and I found that I was actually a little on the edge of my seat.  Maybe this was because Tom had already tantalizingly told us that some new information had come in just before the show.  It turned out that the new information was that the doctor could delay the surgery if Cristián wanted to continue, which he did.  Now, you already know that he was spared this week –- he wasn’t even in the bottom two –- so I can’t re-create that moment here.  It will be interesting to see a couple of things going forward: First, how long the sympathy card will keep him in competition, and second, how well he can dance without using his left bicep.  I find I use my bicep for numerous actions each day, including lifting my child, drinking coffee and/or cocktails, and clocking anyone who dares insinuate that "DWTS" is for sissies.  It strikes me that you really need your biceps in ballroom dancing, particularly when you’re the man.

The other couple in the bottom two was Marissa Jaret Winokur and partner Tony, despite their strong scores from the judges this week.  I wonder whether all of those fans keeping Marissa in the game shifted their support to Cristián this week.  I also wonder whether the fact that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark finished second this week wasn’t actually a good thing for them in that it may have forced people to vote for them instead of assuming they’d easily go through to next week.  Discuss.

As a relative newcomer to "Dancing with the Stars," I sometimes can’t tell at first whether something that seems off in a dance is intentional or not. But even I could tell everything had gone horribly awry in Cristián de la Fuente’s second dance with Cheryl this week. The dance started off typically -- in other words, Cristián moved around fluidly while Cheryl performed all of the fireworks maneuvers -- but about two-thirds of the way in, all kinds of weird errors started happening in rapid succession. Oh, and Cristián was flagrantly rubbing his arm. And then he and Cheryl fell down at the end. Co-host Tom Bergeron made the executive decision to cut to a commercial, and when we returned, we found that Cristián had suffered a “severe muscle cramp,” as diagnosed by the show’s emergency medical technician. The judges said they would judge up until the injury, and this translated into sevens all around. Their first dance -- a Viennese waltz -- had been positively received (though the judges cited a slight lack of energy and “content”) and scored 25/30. The combined score was therefore 46/60, which, I’m afraid, doesn’t bode well for them unless they get a large number of sympathy votes.  They’re in last place –- and by five points. Last we heard, Cristián was off to the hospital, and Tom promised us an update tonight.

While Cristián’s injury was certainly the most dramatic moment of the show, it was hardly the only noteworthy item.

All right, "Dancing with the Stars" fans, let's cut to what you really want to know: Did musical guest Ashlee Simpson look pregnant, as has been rumored? I thought I might have detected a not-one-hundred-percent-flat stomach underneath her flitty little skirt, but, then again, the wardrobe people seem to make skinny Samantha Harris look pudgy about three-quarters of the time (including tonight), so who knows?

Oh, that's not what you wanted to know? Was it which pair of child dancers won this week? Let me say this: They were both formidable competitors. Brandon and Brittany, both 13, performed an incredibly clean and sharp cha cha cha, earning raves from the judges, even though Brittany is deaf in one ear. The other pair, Austin and Liza, both 12, danced a highly entertaining samba, though in the end they perhaps fell victim to that most insidious of enemies -- puberty. You see, Liza was a good bit taller than Austin, and even his fabulously fancy footwork couldn't save them. Brandon and Brittany will compete again later in the season, even though you could tell everyone just had more fun during Austin and Liza's dance.I'd like to tell you about the special performance by Riverdance, but the thing about Riverdance is that it is basically a form of hypnosis. The (many, many) dancers don't move their arms much, so you just see their rigid upper bodies while their feet stomp and tap in impressive unison, and the next thing you know, you come out of a trance in an Eastern European capital, holding a briefcase full of state secrets and having no recollection of how you got there.

Now, whoever's in charge of these things at "DWTS" decided to stir up a little drama Tuesday night. Yes, Marlee Matlin and Fabian were the first couple of the night consigned to the Red Light of Abject Degradation but instead of throwing in another plausibly imperiled couple, three high-scoring couples remained endangered until nearly the end of the show: Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark, Jason Taylor and Edyta, and Mario and Karina. I just want you to know,
America, that if Kristi had been in the bottom two, I might have had to move to another country. Another English-speaking country. Where the dollar is strong. New Zealand, maybe. Actually, I just looked that up, and it isn't promising.

Now, Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were the first couple saved, which I found somewhat irritating. You see, I've been rooting for Shannon, but the last couple of weeks she's been so petulant about receiving criticism, and this violation of the sacred "DWTS" ethos of cheery persistence didn't sit well with me. And this week, we see footage of her crying and complaining about the judges, who dared criticize her when she's trying so hard, and I wanted her to suffer in the red light for a bit.

Alas.

Samantha again tried to press Derek and Shannon about their show-mance to no avail. Shannon did apologize to the audience for being so heated after the competition, but I didn't think she meant it. Adjust that attitude for next week, young lady!

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Shannon Elizabeth eliminated

Well, despite their best efforts to show that they’d undergone a complete attitude revolution, Shannon Elizabeth and partner Derek got the ax this week.  If you’re a celebrity on, let’s say, the D through B-minus lists, and you’re considering signing up to be a "Dancing With the Stars" contestant in the future, let this be a lesson to you: Do not violate the sacred "DWTS" ethos of peppy persistence.  You might want to start practicing the following lines now: (1) "We’re just having such a blast," (2) " 'DWTS' has changed my life" and (3) "You just have to go out there and give it your best shot."  Granted, these are necessary but not sufficient –- otherwise, Steve Guttenberg would still be with us.

I’ll hand it to the "DWTS" people this week: They really made the most of Cristián de la Fuente’s injury.  Instead of engineered and flimsy suspense, there was engineered and palpable suspense.  Would Cristián wait to find out his fate, or would he drop out?  First, we learned more about the injury itself.  Partner Cheryl said she’d heard a pop, which she initially thought was her dress (and, hey, kudos to her for not freaking out that she had been inadvertently denuded), but it turned out to be Cristián’s arm.  Eventually, we found out from Cristián that his injury was not a “severe muscle cramp,” as the emergency medical technician had (perhaps condescendingly) called it, but rather a ruptured tendon in his bicep that would require surgery.  Co-host Tom Bergeron asked whether Cristián wanted to continue competing (if fate would permit it), and I found that I was actually a little on the edge of my seat.  Maybe this was because Tom had already tantalizingly told us that some new information had come in just before the show.  It turned out that the new information was that the doctor could delay the surgery if Cristián wanted to continue, which he did.  Now, you already know that he was spared this week –- he wasn’t even in the bottom two –- so I can’t re-create that moment here.  It will be interesting to see a couple of things going forward: First, how long the sympathy card will keep him in competition, and second, how well he can dance without using his left bicep.  I find I use my bicep for numerous actions each day, including lifting my child, drinking coffee and/or cocktails, and clocking anyone who dares insinuate that "DWTS" is for sissies.  It strikes me that you really need your biceps in ballroom dancing, particularly when you’re the man.

The other couple in the bottom two was Marissa Jaret Winokur and partner Tony, despite their strong scores from the judges this week.  I wonder whether all of those fans keeping Marissa in the game shifted their support to Cristián this week.  I also wonder whether the fact that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark finished second this week wasn’t actually a good thing for them in that it may have forced people to vote for them instead of assuming they’d easily go through to next week.  Discuss.

As a relative newcomer to "Dancing with the Stars," I sometimes can’t tell at first whether something that seems off in a dance is intentional or not. But even I could tell everything had gone horribly awry in Cristián de la Fuente’s second dance with Cheryl this week. The dance started off typically -- in other words, Cristián moved around fluidly while Cheryl performed all of the fireworks maneuvers -- but about two-thirds of the way in, all kinds of weird errors started happening in rapid succession. Oh, and Cristián was flagrantly rubbing his arm. And then he and Cheryl fell down at the end. Co-host Tom Bergeron made the executive decision to cut to a commercial, and when we returned, we found that Cristián had suffered a “severe muscle cramp,” as diagnosed by the show’s emergency medical technician. The judges said they would judge up until the injury, and this translated into sevens all around. Their first dance -- a Viennese waltz -- had been positively received (though the judges cited a slight lack of energy and “content”) and scored 25/30. The combined score was therefore 46/60, which, I’m afraid, doesn’t bode well for them unless they get a large number of sympathy votes.  They’re in last place –- and by five points. Last we heard, Cristián was off to the hospital, and Tom promised us an update tonight.

While Cristián’s injury was certainly the most dramatic moment of the show, it was hardly the only noteworthy item.

All right, "Dancing with the Stars" fans, let's cut to what you really want to know: Did musical guest Ashlee Simpson look pregnant, as has been rumored? I thought I might have detected a not-one-hundred-percent-flat stomach underneath her flitty little skirt, but, then again, the wardrobe people seem to make skinny Samantha Harris look pudgy about three-quarters of the time (including tonight), so who knows?

Oh, that's not what you wanted to know? Was it which pair of child dancers won this week? Let me say this: They were both formidable competitors. Brandon and Brittany, both 13, performed an incredibly clean and sharp cha cha cha, earning raves from the judges, even though Brittany is deaf in one ear. The other pair, Austin and Liza, both 12, danced a highly entertaining samba, though in the end they perhaps fell victim to that most insidious of enemies -- puberty. You see, Liza was a good bit taller than Austin, and even his fabulously fancy footwork couldn't save them. Brandon and Brittany will compete again later in the season, even though you could tell everyone just had more fun during Austin and Liza's dance.I'd like to tell you about the special performance by Riverdance, but the thing about Riverdance is that it is basically a form of hypnosis. The (many, many) dancers don't move their arms much, so you just see their rigid upper bodies while their feet stomp and tap in impressive unison, and the next thing you know, you come out of a trance in an Eastern European capital, holding a briefcase full of state secrets and having no recollection of how you got there.

Now, whoever's in charge of these things at "DWTS" decided to stir up a little drama Tuesday night. Yes, Marlee Matlin and Fabian were the first couple of the night consigned to the Red Light of Abject Degradation but instead of throwing in another plausibly imperiled couple, three high-scoring couples remained endangered until nearly the end of the show: Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark, Jason Taylor and Edyta, and Mario and Karina. I just want you to know,
America, that if Kristi had been in the bottom two, I might have had to move to another country. Another English-speaking country. Where the dollar is strong. New Zealand, maybe. Actually, I just looked that up, and it isn't promising.

Now, Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were the first couple saved, which I found somewhat irritating. You see, I've been rooting for Shannon, but the last couple of weeks she's been so petulant about receiving criticism, and this violation of the sacred "DWTS" ethos of cheery persistence didn't sit well with me. And this week, we see footage of her crying and complaining about the judges, who dared criticize her when she's trying so hard, and I wanted her to suffer in the red light for a bit.

Alas.

Samantha again tried to press Derek and Shannon about their show-mance to no avail. Shannon did apologize to the audience for being so heated after the competition, but I didn't think she meant it. Adjust that attitude for next week, young lady!

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Cristián de la Fuente cramps up

As a relative newcomer to "Dancing with the Stars," I sometimes can’t tell at first whether something that seems off in a dance is intentional or not. But even I could tell everything had gone horribly awry in Cristián de la Fuente’s second dance with Cheryl this week. The dance started off typically -- in other words, Cristián moved around fluidly while Cheryl performed all of the fireworks maneuvers -- but about two-thirds of the way in, all kinds of weird errors started happening in rapid succession. Oh, and Cristián was flagrantly rubbing his arm. And then he and Cheryl fell down at the end. Co-host Tom Bergeron made the executive decision to cut to a commercial, and when we returned, we found that Cristián had suffered a “severe muscle cramp,” as diagnosed by the show’s emergency medical technician. The judges said they would judge up until the injury, and this translated into sevens all around. Their first dance -- a Viennese waltz -- had been positively received (though the judges cited a slight lack of energy and “content”) and scored 25/30. The combined score was therefore 46/60, which, I’m afraid, doesn’t bode well for them unless they get a large number of sympathy votes.  They’re in last place –- and by five points. Last we heard, Cristián was off to the hospital, and Tom promised us an update tonight.

While Cristián’s injury was certainly the most dramatic moment of the show, it was hardly the only noteworthy item.

All right, "Dancing with the Stars" fans, let's cut to what you really want to know: Did musical guest Ashlee Simpson look pregnant, as has been rumored? I thought I might have detected a not-one-hundred-percent-flat stomach underneath her flitty little skirt, but, then again, the wardrobe people seem to make skinny Samantha Harris look pudgy about three-quarters of the time (including tonight), so who knows?

Oh, that's not what you wanted to know? Was it which pair of child dancers won this week? Let me say this: They were both formidable competitors. Brandon and Brittany, both 13, performed an incredibly clean and sharp cha cha cha, earning raves from the judges, even though Brittany is deaf in one ear. The other pair, Austin and Liza, both 12, danced a highly entertaining samba, though in the end they perhaps fell victim to that most insidious of enemies -- puberty. You see, Liza was a good bit taller than Austin, and even his fabulously fancy footwork couldn't save them. Brandon and Brittany will compete again later in the season, even though you could tell everyone just had more fun during Austin and Liza's dance.I'd like to tell you about the special performance by Riverdance, but the thing about Riverdance is that it is basically a form of hypnosis. The (many, many) dancers don't move their arms much, so you just see their rigid upper bodies while their feet stomp and tap in impressive unison, and the next thing you know, you come out of a trance in an Eastern European capital, holding a briefcase full of state secrets and having no recollection of how you got there.

Now, whoever's in charge of these things at "DWTS" decided to stir up a little drama Tuesday night. Yes, Marlee Matlin and Fabian were the first couple of the night consigned to the Red Light of Abject Degradation but instead of throwing in another plausibly imperiled couple, three high-scoring couples remained endangered until nearly the end of the show: Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark, Jason Taylor and Edyta, and Mario and Karina. I just want you to know,
America, that if Kristi had been in the bottom two, I might have had to move to another country. Another English-speaking country. Where the dollar is strong. New Zealand, maybe. Actually, I just looked that up, and it isn't promising.

Now, Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were the first couple saved, which I found somewhat irritating. You see, I've been rooting for Shannon, but the last couple of weeks she's been so petulant about receiving criticism, and this violation of the sacred "DWTS" ethos of cheery persistence didn't sit well with me. And this week, we see footage of her crying and complaining about the judges, who dared criticize her when she's trying so hard, and I wanted her to suffer in the red light for a bit.

Alas.

Samantha again tried to press Derek and Shannon about their show-mance to no avail. Shannon did apologize to the audience for being so heated after the competition, but I didn't think she meant it. Adjust that attitude for next week, young lady!

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Marlee Matlin drama

All right, "Dancing with the Stars" fans, let's cut to what you really want to know: Did musical guest Ashlee Simpson look pregnant, as has been rumored? I thought I might have detected a not-one-hundred-percent-flat stomach underneath her flitty little skirt, but, then again, the wardrobe people seem to make skinny Samantha Harris look pudgy about three-quarters of the time (including tonight), so who knows?

Oh, that's not what you wanted to know? Was it which pair of child dancers won this week? Let me say this: They were both formidable competitors. Brandon and Brittany, both 13, performed an incredibly clean and sharp cha cha cha, earning raves from the judges, even though Brittany is deaf in one ear. The other pair, Austin and Liza, both 12, danced a highly entertaining samba, though in the end they perhaps fell victim to that most insidious of enemies -- puberty. You see, Liza was a good bit taller than Austin, and even his fabulously fancy footwork couldn't save them. Brandon and Brittany will compete again later in the season, even though you could tell everyone just had more fun during Austin and Liza's dance.I'd like to tell you about the special performance by Riverdance, but the thing about Riverdance is that it is basically a form of hypnosis. The (many, many) dancers don't move their arms much, so you just see their rigid upper bodies while their feet stomp and tap in impressive unison, and the next thing you know, you come out of a trance in an Eastern European capital, holding a briefcase full of state secrets and having no recollection of how you got there.

Now, whoever's in charge of these things at "DWTS" decided to stir up a little drama Tuesday night. Yes, Marlee Matlin and Fabian were the first couple of the night consigned to the Red Light of Abject Degradation but instead of throwing in another plausibly imperiled couple, three high-scoring couples remained endangered until nearly the end of the show: Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark, Jason Taylor and Edyta, and Mario and Karina. I just want you to know,
America, that if Kristi had been in the bottom two, I might have had to move to another country. Another English-speaking country. Where the dollar is strong. New Zealand, maybe. Actually, I just looked that up, and it isn't promising.

Now, Shannon Elizabeth and Derek were the first couple saved, which I found somewhat irritating. You see, I've been rooting for Shannon, but the last couple of weeks she's been so petulant about receiving criticism, and this violation of the sacred "DWTS" ethos of cheery persistence didn't sit well with me. And this week, we see footage of her crying and complaining about the judges, who dared criticize her when she's trying so hard, and I wanted her to suffer in the red light for a bit.

Alas.

Samantha again tried to press Derek and Shannon about their show-mance to no avail. Shannon did apologize to the audience for being so heated after the competition, but I didn't think she meant it. Adjust that attitude for next week, young lady!

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Will Marlee Matlin get the ax?

Do you ever feel as if Tom Bergeron has been sent to "Dancing With the Stars" to offer up irony in an otherwise irony-free zone, and that maybe he's speaking directly to you and the other self-satisfied, clever people you're watching the show with? I thought so. Tom had a few little ad-libbed gems on Week Six's competition show, but I doubt most of them will translate. Here's one: After Samantha Harris questioned Shannon Elizabeth and Derek about whether they're, you know, more than just dancing partners, Tom said that next week, "Samantha will be grilling inmates at Gitmo." The spiny ripple of derision beneath Tom's plastic, game-show-host facade makes me love him more than a tiny bit. I'm obviously drinking the "DWTS" Kool-Aid. Maybe I'll start detecting more nuance in Samantha's interviews and begin comparing her to Terry Gross or Christiane Amanpour. So far, that seems unlikely.

Well, fans, right now it looks as if Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark are pulling ahead of everyone else, though Mario and Karina aren't too far behind. The Week Six competition featured a variety of dances, as well as a group dance/hoedown. Some of the performances were very strong, and it was particularly interesting to compare this week's dances with those that had gone before them -- for instance, to compare Kristi and Mark's jive to the jives that many couples were assigned the second week. As you would expect, the stars were better, but it was also very clear that the choreography has become much trickier as the stars improved.

I suspect the next star to be eliminated will be Marlee Matlin, whose mambo with Fabian just seemed, as Len put it, "uncomfortable." It was as if she was afraid and overly cautious after last week's missteps, despite the fact that she'd received a pep talk from The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, during the rehearsal scenes, and despite the fact that Fabian was the World Mambo King in 2006. The mambo was definitely Fabian's dance too -- he was sharp and extremely happy, perhaps because it gave him occasion to recall his mambo coronation. Carrie Ann tells Marlee that she looks amazing (true) and Bruno says everything she does is life-affirming, but after a while all of these semi-pitying compliments begin to sound like insults. Score: 21/30. Will Marlee's fans come through for her?

Jason Taylor and Edyta slipped a bit this week with their cha cha cha, even though Jason got a freestyle lesson from Sho-Tyme, a hip-hop choreographer. Edyta appears to be wearing a bikini with a one-armed cape during their dance. The judges are vaguely positive but cite some messed-up footwork and timing, as well as some awkwardness in Jason's arms when they (the arms) are not engaged. Also, because Jason and Edyta were dancing to "Best of My Love" by the Emotions, I thought I was at a wedding. Score: 24/30.

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Priscilla Presley's goodbye

You know, I give Tom Bergeron credit: He handles live television well. In the Week Five results show, there was a moment when the teleprompter operator inadvertently (or perhaps maliciously) skipped ahead, and Tom handled the situation well, correcting the situation, heckling the teleprompter operator and jovially reminding us of the foul-up later in the show. Why, the error became a motif, and “Dancing With the Stars” took on a narrative feel and approached art status. So what if I’m grasping at straws?

Try as they might, fans, those involved couldn’t really get much drama going this week. Priscilla Presley was eliminated, as we all anticipated, and we won’t have her disturbing face to kick around (to no effect) any longer. Also, she wants you to know that she doesn’t really have a psychic hotline. Apparently, some of the viewers didn’t get that the April 1 episode had some gags in it, and they’ve been trying to get a hold of her psychic hotline. Really, America, pull it together! Or maybe your calls were part of a larger meta-gag, in which case, I applaud you.

Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the other couple consigned to the Red Light of Disgrace this week, and I again use my powers of inference to speculate that this means they don’t have a solid fan following. They’d better knock it out of the park next week if they want to stick around. While we’re on the topic of couples being “saved” or dropped into the Red Light of Naked Shame, what’s up with the whole “in no particular order” disclaimer that Tom and Samantha Harris always say before they do the reveal? It is pretty clear that there is an order, at least in the sense that they’re not going to leave someone who’s obviously a leader in limbo for too long. Maybe this is something the lawyers made them put in.

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Music malfunctions, conspiracy theories

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing with the Stars': Adam Carolla plugs his movie one last time

The Week 4 results show managed to cobble together several mild surprises. First, Samantha Harris’ hairdo convincingly called to mind a Lhasa apso. Second, I totally would have picked the other team of 8-year-old dancers to win. All right, that’s only two surprises.

Other than those two items, things played out more or less as expected. Adam and Julianne got sent home, making them the second couple in two weeks to perform the encore dance and the last dance in the same show. Interestingly, the other couple in the Red Spotlight of Disgrace (i.e., the bottom two) was Priscilla Presley and Louis, which suggests that they have minimal fan support and therefore must kick butt with the judges in order to remain in contention. I’ll grant that Priscilla’s face did communicate anxiety while she waited to find out who was eliminated. (As an aside, I noticed there was a Botox commercial during this episode. Coincidence?) Also, in her comments about their illegal lift in the Viennese waltz, she says that she just likes to have both of her legs off of the floor. Do with that what you will.

Wait, there was one more surprise. When Adam and Julianne learned of their elimination, Adam went all syrupy on us, but his sentiments didn’t seem saccharine. “I lost 20 pounds of fat,” he says, “but I gained 105 pounds of angel.” If you’re baffled, he means Julianne. He also channels a bit of “The Gute” and tells us to face our own personal “Dancing with the Stars” -– in other words, whatever our biggest fear is –- and embrace it. He seems to have had some effect on Julianne, who, in the interview after their dance last night, says, “Screw the judges.” Adam replies that if they want some higher scores, that’s an idea. Well, it’s been fun, Adam.

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Priscilla's reversal of fortune

As a ballroom-dancing novice, I find “Dancing with the Stars” to be highly instructive. For example, this week I learned the following: First, for the paso doble, the male partner should dress as a matador (either traditional or shirtless), and the female partner should dress as either a harlot or a beer wench. For the Viennese waltz, the male partner should wear a suit or tails, and the female partner should dress as if she might at any moment need to go undercover at a Renaissance Faire. This sort of knowledge will help guide me if I am ever invited to an Inaugural Ball.

On a more macro level, does anyone other than me prefer traditional music to the tailored (or, dare I say, bastardized?) contemporary songs? This week, every single one of the Viennese waltzes was adapted to contemporary music, as were several paso dobles. Once again, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were offenders on this front. Although I listened to New Order’s “Substance” every single day on the way home during my senior year of high school, and even though if you were to cite any one line from that entire album, I could then recite, as if in a trance, the lyrics of the rest of the album, I still didn’t need to hear “Blue Monday” paso-doble-ized. And sung live. Perhaps this speaks to my naivete, but the paso dobles with traditional, dramatic paso doble music seemed much more striking to me. Discuss.

Now, onto the dancing. This week saw the judges start to get a bit more generous/profligate with their higher scores: Five 10s were awarded, with both Kristi/Mark and Jason Taylor/Edyta receiving 29/30. We also saw some reversals in fortune, most notably a big dip for Priscilla Presley and Louis. Although Bruno liked Priscilla’s “Merry Widow” look, and Carrie Ann inexplicably complimented the drama Priscilla creates with her facial expressions (seriously?), the judges threw down a yellow card for an apparent lift that occurred during the dance in direct violation of Viennese waltz statutes. Score: 22/30. Priscilla was undaunted and expressed confidence that she’ll be back next week.

And, you know, she’s probably right. Adam Carolla and Julianne seem the most likely to get the heave-ho, even though I sure would like them to hang in there; as Adam says in the practice scenes, “I’m in it not to lose it.” Despite performing a paso doble that involved Adam riding a unicycle in Zorro garb, they just weren’t smooth. Well, Julianne was smooth, and the choreography seemed designed to minimize Adam’s dancing while maximizing Julianne’s spinning. The judges weren’t fooled. Score: 19/30. In the post-dance interview, Adam tells Samantha Harris that the Spaniards tried to come to America en masse on unicycles, but then they drowned in the Caspian Sea. “Google it, kids,” he says.

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Steve Guttenberg goes out in style

Despite my occasionally cynical remarks about Steve Guttenberg’s unflappable sanguinity, I have to admit he got me thinking. He inspired me to try to make a list of the country’s happiest public figures, and I had gotten to five -- Steve, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Rachael Ray (who happened to be the subject of E! True Hollywood Story on the TV at the gym, where I was ruminating on this matter), and those two guys who do “Car Talk” on NPR. Who knows how many more I could have come up with had I continued to have Steve around as my inspiration?

Yes, fans, as you may have seen or heard, “The Gute” was eliminated this week. Fortunately, he went out in style. For the encore dance, the judges requested that Steve perform his tango from this week’s competition, but they wanted him to dance with Jonathan, as he had done in rehearsals while Anna was sick. Tom Bergeron referred to this all-male tango as a “mango,” and I found it (the dance, not Tom’s bon mot) delightful. Jonathan, a rose in his mouth, convincingly danced the female part, though I will say that shimmying is less effective when you don’t have boobs. The dance ended with an inadvertently slapstick fall that only made it all the more charming.

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing with the Stars': Kristi and Priscilla triumph

This week, our contestants danced the tango and the jive. And, you know, the jive totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I’ll tell you what the judges were expecting: The jive should be fun, and the tango should be angry. The jive must be attacked! The tango requires acting! These dances were really quite different, and the costumes this week showed it: the group was a motley crew of gangsters, prostitutes, flappers, strippers, and something you might call sequined slutty prepsters. It also seemed as if everyone could have used a week to rest up and practice more; they all struck me as a bit tired, even though most continued to improve. That said, we also saw some changes of fortune, some front-runners knocked down a peg or 20, and some laggards catching up.

Let’s start with the three front-runners. Mario and Karina got hammered for their tango, and, frankly, I’m with the judges on this one. For one thing, and this isn’t reflected in their score, they danced to a tango-ized version of “Roxanne,” which was only slightly less grating than the tango-ized version of “Rio” that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark danced to later on. During the practice scenes, we see that Mario takes Karina on the road with him to practice, and Karina isn’t feeling confident about their chances. I thought this was an attempt at manipulating our expectations, but it turns out she’s right: Their tango is a bit of a mess, as Len describes it, and they have one obvious mistake where they get stuck in the corner of the dance floor. Both Len and Carrie Ann express their disappointment, and we all know what it’s like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you. Score: 21/30.

Jason Taylor and Edyta performed a jive that I found impressive, energetic and well synchronized, but apparently the judges and I were watching different dances, or maybe the dance looked completely different in person. I thought Jason was very elegant, with superb lines (as the judges acknowledged), and Edyta wore so little clothing that her audacity should be worth at least one point per judge. In the end, however, the judges thought that the jive lacked some jive. Score: 23/30.

Once again, the practice scenes attempted to set up the first-place contestant, Kristi Yamaguchi, as perhaps being unable to meet the demands that the dance will place on her -- in this case, the emotion required by the tango. She even sees a performance coach, who encourages her to let out her messy emotions, but Kristi keeps cracking up when she’s supposed to be all Dick Cheney. Naturally, she still does great in the performance, even though the costume team went way overboard with her '20s-style curls.  As I mentioned earlier, the version of “Rio” they use is distracting to the point of nausea or even suicidal thoughts, but Kristi and Mark are fluid and in complete synchronicity again. The judges criticize the one-dimensionality of Kristi’s anger and make her technical prowess seem like no big whoop, but of course she still gets a 27/30, and deservedly so.

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Penn, Monica and the Jonas Brothers

There are many impressive things about “Dancing with the Stars.” The bravery of the celebrities. The flamboyant costumes. Moves like the “death spiral.” Samantha Harris’ perfectly defined arms, maintained throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. But the most impressive thing of all is how ABC manages to use and reuse the same footage to fill four hours of time each and every week.

That isn’t to say there isn’t anything illuminating about watching all of the dances in the recap show, but I’ll just tell you what that was so you can use that hour to solve major problems facing the world, such as Britney Spears. While reviewing the dances, I pondered the question: Is it easier to be the man, who’s supposed to lead but who has less responsibility for overtly fancy moves, or is it easier to be the woman, who can be tossed around by a good male lead but who is expected to twirl, spiral, spin, leap, and so forth? The pros can obviously make up for a great many deficiencies on the part of the stars –- the male pros can assertively direct the movements of the female stars, and the female pros can distract you by whirling, dropping into the splits, and wearing very little. So it’s hard to say which role is tougher. But the point of this little treatise is to say that in watching all of the dances, I saw that the celebrities who did the best job were the men (Jason, Mario) who seemed as if they were truly leading and the women (Kristi and, to some degree, Marlee and Priscilla, with Shannon performing well this week) who managed to pull off the “spectacle” maneuvers with fluency. In other words, the ones who did the same things as the pros. Okay, maybe not such a news flash.

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Shannon improves, Monica missteps

There are many persistent questions involving public figures. Why, for example, do celebrities insist on driving themselves when they're going out for all-night boozefests? Why do they allow themselves to be filmed for homemade sex tapes? Why do they think that banks won't detect that they're sending money to shell companies set up by high-end prostitution rings?

We may never understand the psychology of public figures, but perhaps we can take a stab at answering one such question: What makes celebrities agree to go on "Dancing With the Stars"? Is it that any publicity is good publicity? Are they drumming up interest in a memoir or promoting a movie? Do they think it'll help revive a flagging career or get rid of those love handles? Is there money involved? Are they just naturally competitive? Are they humiliation-seekers?

Well, if you were to ask Steve Guttenberg, it would be because "Dancing With the Stars" makes the world a better place. He really said that, and he said it right after he received two fives and a six for his mambo. And, you know, there are moments that there might be something to this sentiment, if you replace "world" with "my living room," because the story of the night to me was mostly "improvement."  It's nice to feel, if only for a couple of hours and in a very contained setting, that things are getting better.  All 12 contestants and their partners danced last night, and, for the most part, they showed improvement, even though they were doing very different dances from last week. The other story of the night was -- in a few cases -- a bit of a disconnect between the judges' words and their scores. And occasionally between their sentiments and reality.

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing with the Stars' Women: Priscilla Presley impresses

Allow me to make a few generalizations based on what we’ve seen of Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars" so far. One, the women, as a group, have crisper moves and more flair than the men. Two, the worst-dancing woman (Monica Seles) is much better than the worst-dancing man (Adam Carolla). Three, the best-dancing woman (Kristi Yamaguchi) is better than the best-dancing man (Mario). And yet Steve Guttenberg is still the most chipper person in this world and all possible worlds, besting the peppy Marissa Jaret Winokur by a hair. That said, Steve’s unrelenting optimism has attracted the notice of his compatriots on the male side –- more on that in a moment.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was not that Priscilla Presley was a passable dancer but that she was really quite good. Also, she and Louis performed a classic foxtrot to old-fashioned foxtrot music (you know what I mean) instead of like “Gimme More,” so it was rather lovely. At 62, she is, as Samantha Harris put it in the post-dance interview, the most “mature” woman they’ve had on the show, but she’s got some spring in her step and is both graceful and flexible. That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her face does not move with the same fluidity. Maybe she felt nervous about being on the show with all these younger fillies, but Priscilla Presley is inherently a beautiful woman who I suspect would have aged quite well if she hadn’t apparently had her face injected, plumped and immobilized. The stasis even affects her speech, which vaguely resembles lockjaw. Regardless, the judges adored the foxtrot, noting in particular her excellent fluidity and posture. Score: 24/30.

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing with the Stars': The Men

Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.”  Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': And so we begin

Greetings, "Dancing with the Stars" fans!

Allow me to introduce myself as the new Tracker for "DWTS."  I’m a writer based in Iowa, which is somewhere between New York and California.  During the first dance at our wedding, my husband and I performed what was intended to be a waltz but more closely resembled a seizure.  Luckily, everyone watching us was intoxicated by either drink or bonhomie, and our dignity was not completely shattered.  The contestants on "DWTS" cannot count on such good fortune. 

I applaud you for your bravery, celebrities. 

So who’ll be the winner this season?  Kristi Yamaguchi would seem to be an early favorite, given that ballroom dancing and ice skating must use the same muscle groups.  But I’m told that Cristián de la Fuente is a Latin American heartthrob, and I never underestimate heartthrobs.  Then there’s Steve Guttenberg, who once starred in Miracle on Ice.  And Marlee Matlin cannot hear the music, as the "DWTS" promos keep reminding us, but I suspect she can feel the beat.
                                                                                                                                  
Tonight: the men.  Tomorrow night: the women.  Weigh in with your own predictions, and I’ll report back tomorrow morning.

-- Sarah Rogers

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Mel + Maks 4-Ever

In that it did not choose Marie Osmond as the "Dancing With the Stars" champion, America voted correctly.

However, after the tedious last dances and at least five recap/flashback montages, perhaps the most entertaining part of Tuesday's finale turned out not to be the winner, Helio Castroneves, but runner-up Melanie Brown and her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  Maybe it was because Helio's grin started getting a little Joker-ish after two hours, maybe it was Osmond's sharp edge hidden behind her manic laughter, or maybe it was Samantha Harris chortling at her own goofy deliveries, but the only sincere thing of the night seemed to be the partnership between the Spice Girl and the professional. 

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Bruno said it best

"Baby Jane" and "Bride of Chucky" were the terms judge Bruno Tonioli used to describe Marie Osmond's terrifying freestyle dance last night. The snarkiest blogger couldn't have put it better. Adult women dressing as little girls, let alone little-girl dolls, is creepy, even if you think it somehow is justified by her selling a line of collector dolls.

It's hard even to list the other reasons Marie should not win "Dancing With the Stars," because the image of her freestyle dance so seared the brain. But another good basis was her excuse/plea of "I'm almost 50!" The competition at this point is about dancing, not about who had the hardest time out there. If that were the case, race car driver Helio Castroneves might as well have yelled, "I have no dance experience!" each time he received his scores, or Spice Girl Mel B. should have complained after each dance that it was tough training in the midst of her group's comeback. 

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

"Dancing With the Stars": Let's let Marie get back to taking care of those eight kids

For those of you who do vote after watching “Dancing With the Stars,” please take into serious consideration what you may be undertaking next week if you choose Marie Osmond as your champion.

You will be taking a show that already relies heavily on cheese factor and possibly encourage the producers to make it more schlocky.

Unless that’s what you want, America. Is it?

Were you a little too scandalized last night when Tom Bergeron used the D-word when mentioning Avril Lavigne’s latest album?

Were you impressed last night by the “Meet the Press” segment involving such heavies as Nancy O’Dell and Kimberly Caldwell?

Did the uncontrollable screaming and whistling during Michael Flatley’s routine seem not just realistic but well-deserved to you?

Because if so, then it makes sense that you select Marie as your queen.

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': A new dynasty

The next champion of "Dancing With the Stars" will not be an American, by the look of it.  How the nation will react to such tumult is unknown.  But judging by the way people have been voting, it appears they are ready for a bit of international influence.

The show has had a lot of "All American" contestants this season, including Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and lifelong entertainer and collectible-doll maven Marie Osmond.  Last night, speaking of dolls, the closest thing to a real-life Ken, soap star Cameron Mathison, was voted off.  Cameron made a few of the ladies swoon with his amazing pectorals, tall build, chiseled looks and good-guy persona, but his dancing just wasn't good enough for the semifinals.

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': With or without them

"Dancing With the Stars" is not exempt from the effects of the Writers Guild of America strike this week, so it was interesting to see whether the show might seem any different with the hosts left to ad-lib. 

Perhaps it's no real compliment to the writers that DWTS seemed exactly the same. Hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris continued their groan-worthy punny banter without hiccups. It probably helps that the show has developed such a concrete episodic mold that it could run on autopilot, with no writers or directors, for centuries to come, like a perpetual-motion machine. 

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': Out with the new

“Dancing With the Stars” decided to kick it old school last night, meaning, of course, that the episode was completely devoid of any reference to current pop culture. Who more appropriate to have as special guest musical performer than Barry Manilow singing “The Greatest Songs of the Seventies”? Which dance better to have reprised than the “rock ’n’ roll” Sharks and Jets routine? And who best to have eliminated from the show than its youngest contestant, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan? It was as if the voters of the show said, “This is what we think of hip-hop-infused ballroom!” The episode did feature a bit of break dancing during a preview for Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba’s upcoming show, “Dance Wars,” but the routine, leg warmers and all, seemed more from “Fame” than actual b-boys and girls.

Mel B., as the new youngest contestant on the show, you'd better watch your back.

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic

'Dancing With the Stars': A salute to Mark Cuban

If there was any surprise last night when Mark Cuban was voted off “Dancing With the Stars,” it was that it happened this late in the game. He was one of the weakest dancers in the group, yet he managed to make it nearly halfway through the season.

There are two possible explanations why, whic