'America's Next Top Model': And the winner is...

The times, they are a changin'.  America now has its first official plus-sized/full-figured/whatever you want to call it Top Model. Curvier girls who felt awful about themselves yesterday can hold their heads high today.  Actually, all things considered, especially in light of Tyra Banks' previous ham-handed attempts to handle weight issues on her talk show, Whitney's status wasn't as exploited as much as it might have been, especially since Tyra all but said that she liked Fatima because she was a victim. 

The "Top Model" finale was not very different from previous finales. Anya, Fatima and Whitney were all shot for a Cover Girl commercial and spread, one that didn't look as all-American and smiley as it has in the past.  While on the commercial Fatima rushed her lines and Whitney displayed what Paulina Porizkova described as "fakeness," Anya stumbled over her lines but displayed natural Cover Girl Charm.  However, the judges felt her picture failed in comparison to Whitney's (although it could be argued that all three photos looked the same).  Fatima was eliminated. 

The finale of Cycle 10 of "America's Next Top Model" airs tonight, with Whitney, Fatima and Anya vying for the coveted title.  Each girl brings her own strengths to the table: The judges love Whitney's face, and she's determined to break barriers and become the first plus-sized ANTM. The judges also see "model" when they look at Fatima, but her attitude has gotten her in trouble with the judges and her cast-mates (although Tyra Banks does love a good sob story, which Fatima does have). Anya is remarkably drama-free AND has performed strongly as a model during the competition ... will her lack of major obstacle to overcome be her downfall?

Who do you think will win, and why?

Stay tuned for an interview with the winner this Friday!

-- Claire Zulkey

An interview with the now-departed Dominique:

Are you back in Ohio?
I'm in sunny California right now. My 2-year-old and I will be moving to L.A. soon. I can't deal with the snow in Ohio. This whole winter has just been bad. Me and the cold weather and 2 feet of snow? It's not working.

Are you pursuing modeling?
Yeah, I'm pursuing, modeling, acting, thinking about starting a clothing line and a bit of correspondence work. I just want to keep myself in the loop. I love doing all of this and just want to stay in it. As long as you keep pushing, something will pull through. 

Were people surprised by how upbeat you seemed after your elimination?
No. Everybody knows me as being really positive. That's what kept me in the competition for as long as I was. Every photo shoot, I went in and was, like, "I’m going to rock this." If you keep telling yourself that, you're going to believe it. 

Is there a fine line between being confident like that and also saying "I have something to learn"?
I learned so much. What I appreciate the most out of this whole competition is that I learned what was working for me and what was not. I took all the criticism and feedback, and I made it work for me instead of against me. A lot of the other girls may have had a problem with that because that's a difficult thing to do, but I wanted to grow, and regardless of anything, I grew so much, throughout the entire competition, and I took myself to the next level and embraced everything.

Do you feel like we saw the real you?
You know what? Yeah. That was the real me. It was funny at times, sometimes it was entertaining, sometimes you thought, "Oh, my God, I can't believe she said that," but it was me. It is TV. I wish they could have shown everything, but there's not enough time. There were some things that were left out, and if they were put in, you would have had a better understanding of how things were.

The end of the unexpectedly long line came Wednesday night for Dominique, who may be dubbed the Sanjaya of this cycle of "Top Model."  Certainly, she was striking, but not as pretty or fresh-faced as any of the other girls.  Her popularity with viewers wasn't helped by her constant talk of her self-confidence, and how other girls were threatened by her, and her referral to herself in the third person.  As she got into fights with the other girls and made countless gaffes and poor fashion choices, she somehow gave believing in yourself a bad name.  Her survival seemed to make some viewers angry, but yet, with time, she grew less annoying and more amusing, perhaps because she seemed to take things in stride -- she never seemed to get frustrated when she made a fool out of herself and she didn't seem to get upset when the judges told her to her face that she looked like a man. 

What are you up to now?
Well, you have to go back to everyday life, so I had to get a job: I work in an art store. The show took a few months to film, and somebody has to pay the rent. If I want, I’ll pursue modeling. Before the show I never had a background in modeling. I found a different side of me: I’m kind of scared by it, but I like it.

Did you feel we saw the real you on the show?
Yes and no. At panel they panned me as this meek, mousy girl, and I’m not. I have a habit of being lewd and offensive and be all things to people, and we saw a little of that when I went a little crazy, but my buttons were pushed, and I don't let people walk all over me, and that’s what happened.

It seemed like Lauren had been living on borrowed time. While the girl is tall and looked flawless at just about every shoot, her awkwardness and seeming ambivalence about being on "Top Model" would probably doom her. Unless she learned how to walk and suddenly found a way to be a "punk" (although, at least on the show, her punkiness didn't seem to go much farther than a leather jacket and a crabby personality), she wouldn't make it to the finals. It was a pity though that the editors of the episode made it so obvious early on that the night would be her final appearance. From the beginning, she talked about how she didn't expect to make it so far in the competition, how she doesn't fit in with the other girls, how she would suck at the challenge, and perhaps most damning, that she's not a CoverGirl. 

So, Stacy Ann, what are you up to now?
I went back to school. It’s very important to me. I’m finishing my bachelor's degree in education. Then I plan to go overseas to teach English in Japan, and then hopefully can do some overseas modeling.

Were you mad that you got eliminated instead of Fatima, who missed the photo shoot?
I was really devastated and really pissed that Fatima missed her photo shoot and she didn't even have her documents. It wasn’t fair to any of us that we had to struggle out there in the freezing cold to do this photo shoot -- and we had to have our papers already. She didn’t have either and she got to stay. I was upset about that. 

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Whitney, Fatima or Anya?

The finale of Cycle 10 of "America's Next Top Model" airs tonight, with Whitney, Fatima and Anya vying for the coveted title.  Each girl brings her own strengths to the table: The judges love Whitney's face, and she's determined to break barriers and become the first plus-sized ANTM. The judges also see "model" when they look at Fatima, but her attitude has gotten her in trouble with the judges and her cast-mates (although Tyra Banks does love a good sob story, which Fatima does have). Anya is remarkably drama-free AND has performed strongly as a model during the competition ... will her lack of major obstacle to overcome be her downfall?

Who do you think will win, and why?

Stay tuned for an interview with the winner this Friday!

-- Claire Zulkey

An interview with the now-departed Dominique:

Are you back in Ohio?
I'm in sunny California right now. My 2-year-old and I will be moving to L.A. soon. I can't deal with the snow in Ohio. This whole winter has just been bad. Me and the cold weather and 2 feet of snow? It's not working.

Are you pursuing modeling?
Yeah, I'm pursuing, modeling, acting, thinking about starting a clothing line and a bit of correspondence work. I just want to keep myself in the loop. I love doing all of this and just want to stay in it. As long as you keep pushing, something will pull through. 

Were people surprised by how upbeat you seemed after your elimination?
No. Everybody knows me as being really positive. That's what kept me in the competition for as long as I was. Every photo shoot, I went in and was, like, "I’m going to rock this." If you keep telling yourself that, you're going to believe it. 

Is there a fine line between being confident like that and also saying "I have something to learn"?
I learned so much. What I appreciate the most out of this whole competition is that I learned what was working for me and what was not. I took all the criticism and feedback, and I made it work for me instead of against me. A lot of the other girls may have had a problem with that because that's a difficult thing to do, but I wanted to grow, and regardless of anything, I grew so much, throughout the entire competition, and I took myself to the next level and embraced everything.

Do you feel like we saw the real you?
You know what? Yeah. That was the real me. It was funny at times, sometimes it was entertaining, sometimes you thought, "Oh, my God, I can't believe she said that," but it was me. It is TV. I wish they could have shown everything, but there's not enough time. There were some things that were left out, and if they were put in, you would have had a better understanding of how things were.

The end of the unexpectedly long line came Wednesday night for Dominique, who may be dubbed the Sanjaya of this cycle of "Top Model."  Certainly, she was striking, but not as pretty or fresh-faced as any of the other girls.  Her popularity with viewers wasn't helped by her constant talk of her self-confidence, and how other girls were threatened by her, and her referral to herself in the third person.  As she got into fights with the other girls and made countless gaffes and poor fashion choices, she somehow gave believing in yourself a bad name.  Her survival seemed to make some viewers angry, but yet, with time, she grew less annoying and more amusing, perhaps because she seemed to take things in stride -- she never seemed to get frustrated when she made a fool out of herself and she didn't seem to get upset when the judges told her to her face that she looked like a man. 

What are you up to now?
Well, you have to go back to everyday life, so I had to get a job: I work in an art store. The show took a few months to film, and somebody has to pay the rent. If I want, I’ll pursue modeling. Before the show I never had a background in modeling. I found a different side of me: I’m kind of scared by it, but I like it.

Did you feel we saw the real you on the show?
Yes and no. At panel they panned me as this meek, mousy girl, and I’m not. I have a habit of being lewd and offensive and be all things to people, and we saw a little of that when I went a little crazy, but my buttons were pushed, and I don't let people walk all over me, and that’s what happened.

It seemed like Lauren had been living on borrowed time. While the girl is tall and looked flawless at just about every shoot, her awkwardness and seeming ambivalence about being on "Top Model" would probably doom her. Unless she learned how to walk and suddenly found a way to be a "punk" (although, at least on the show, her punkiness didn't seem to go much farther than a leather jacket and a crabby personality), she wouldn't make it to the finals. It was a pity though that the editors of the episode made it so obvious early on that the night would be her final appearance. From the beginning, she talked about how she didn't expect to make it so far in the competition, how she doesn't fit in with the other girls, how she would suck at the challenge, and perhaps most damning, that she's not a CoverGirl. 

So, Stacy Ann, what are you up to now?
I went back to school. It’s very important to me. I’m finishing my bachelor's degree in education. Then I plan to go overseas to teach English in Japan, and then hopefully can do some overseas modeling.

Were you mad that you got eliminated instead of Fatima, who missed the photo shoot?
I was really devastated and really pissed that Fatima missed her photo shoot and she didn't even have her documents. It wasn’t fair to any of us that we had to struggle out there in the freezing cold to do this photo shoot -- and we had to have our papers already. She didn’t have either and she got to stay. I was upset about that. 

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model' Q&A: Onward and upward for Dominique

An interview with the now-departed Dominique:

Are you back in Ohio?
I'm in sunny California right now. My 2-year-old and I will be moving to L.A. soon. I can't deal with the snow in Ohio. This whole winter has just been bad. Me and the cold weather and 2 feet of snow? It's not working.

Are you pursuing modeling?
Yeah, I'm pursuing, modeling, acting, thinking about starting a clothing line and a bit of correspondence work. I just want to keep myself in the loop. I love doing all of this and just want to stay in it. As long as you keep pushing, something will pull through. 

Were people surprised by how upbeat you seemed after your elimination?
No. Everybody knows me as being really positive. That's what kept me in the competition for as long as I was. Every photo shoot, I went in and was, like, "I’m going to rock this." If you keep telling yourself that, you're going to believe it. 

Is there a fine line between being confident like that and also saying "I have something to learn"?
I learned so much. What I appreciate the most out of this whole competition is that I learned what was working for me and what was not. I took all the criticism and feedback, and I made it work for me instead of against me. A lot of the other girls may have had a problem with that because that's a difficult thing to do, but I wanted to grow, and regardless of anything, I grew so much, throughout the entire competition, and I took myself to the next level and embraced everything.

Do you feel like we saw the real you?
You know what? Yeah. That was the real me. It was funny at times, sometimes it was entertaining, sometimes you thought, "Oh, my God, I can't believe she said that," but it was me. It is TV. I wish they could have shown everything, but there's not enough time. There were some things that were left out, and if they were put in, you would have had a better understanding of how things were.

The end of the unexpectedly long line came Wednesday night for Dominique, who may be dubbed the Sanjaya of this cycle of "Top Model."  Certainly, she was striking, but not as pretty or fresh-faced as any of the other girls.  Her popularity with viewers wasn't helped by her constant talk of her self-confidence, and how other girls were threatened by her, and her referral to herself in the third person.  As she got into fights with the other girls and made countless gaffes and poor fashion choices, she somehow gave believing in yourself a bad name.  Her survival seemed to make some viewers angry, but yet, with time, she grew less annoying and more amusing, perhaps because she seemed to take things in stride -- she never seemed to get frustrated when she made a fool out of herself and she didn't seem to get upset when the judges told her to her face that she looked like a man. 

What are you up to now?
Well, you have to go back to everyday life, so I had to get a job: I work in an art store. The show took a few months to film, and somebody has to pay the rent. If I want, I’ll pursue modeling. Before the show I never had a background in modeling. I found a different side of me: I’m kind of scared by it, but I like it.

Did you feel we saw the real you on the show?
Yes and no. At panel they panned me as this meek, mousy girl, and I’m not. I have a habit of being lewd and offensive and be all things to people, and we saw a little of that when I went a little crazy, but my buttons were pushed, and I don't let people walk all over me, and that’s what happened.

It seemed like Lauren had been living on borrowed time. While the girl is tall and looked flawless at just about every shoot, her awkwardness and seeming ambivalence about being on "Top Model" would probably doom her. Unless she learned how to walk and suddenly found a way to be a "punk" (although, at least on the show, her punkiness didn't seem to go much farther than a leather jacket and a crabby personality), she wouldn't make it to the finals. It was a pity though that the editors of the episode made it so obvious early on that the night would be her final appearance. From the beginning, she talked about how she didn't expect to make it so far in the competition, how she doesn't fit in with the other girls, how she would suck at the challenge, and perhaps most damning, that she's not a CoverGirl. 

So, Stacy Ann, what are you up to now?
I went back to school. It’s very important to me. I’m finishing my bachelor's degree in education. Then I plan to go overseas to teach English in Japan, and then hopefully can do some overseas modeling.

Were you mad that you got eliminated instead of Fatima, who missed the photo shoot?
I was really devastated and really pissed that Fatima missed her photo shoot and she didn't even have her documents. It wasn’t fair to any of us that we had to struggle out there in the freezing cold to do this photo shoot -- and we had to have our papers already. She didn’t have either and she got to stay. I was upset about that. 

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Dominique's got a headache, y'all

The end of the unexpectedly long line came Wednesday night for Dominique, who may be dubbed the Sanjaya of this cycle of "Top Model."  Certainly, she was striking, but not as pretty or fresh-faced as any of the other girls.  Her popularity with viewers wasn't helped by her constant talk of her self-confidence, and how other girls were threatened by her, and her referral to herself in the third person.  As she got into fights with the other girls and made countless gaffes and poor fashion choices, she somehow gave believing in yourself a bad name.  Her survival seemed to make some viewers angry, but yet, with time, she grew less annoying and more amusing, perhaps because she seemed to take things in stride -- she never seemed to get frustrated when she made a fool out of herself and she didn't seem to get upset when the judges told her to her face that she looked like a man. 

What are you up to now?
Well, you have to go back to everyday life, so I had to get a job: I work in an art store. The show took a few months to film, and somebody has to pay the rent. If I want, I’ll pursue modeling. Before the show I never had a background in modeling. I found a different side of me: I’m kind of scared by it, but I like it.

Did you feel we saw the real you on the show?
Yes and no. At panel they panned me as this meek, mousy girl, and I’m not. I have a habit of being lewd and offensive and be all things to people, and we saw a little of that when I went a little crazy, but my buttons were pushed, and I don't let people walk all over me, and that’s what happened.

It seemed like Lauren had been living on borrowed time. While the girl is tall and looked flawless at just about every shoot, her awkwardness and seeming ambivalence about being on "Top Model" would probably doom her. Unless she learned how to walk and suddenly found a way to be a "punk" (although, at least on the show, her punkiness didn't seem to go much farther than a leather jacket and a crabby personality), she wouldn't make it to the finals. It was a pity though that the editors of the episode made it so obvious early on that the night would be her final appearance. From the beginning, she talked about how she didn't expect to make it so far in the competition, how she doesn't fit in with the other girls, how she would suck at the challenge, and perhaps most damning, that she's not a CoverGirl. 

So, Stacy Ann, what are you up to now?
I went back to school. It’s very important to me. I’m finishing my bachelor's degree in education. Then I plan to go overseas to teach English in Japan, and then hopefully can do some overseas modeling.

Were you mad that you got eliminated instead of Fatima, who missed the photo shoot?
I was really devastated and really pissed that Fatima missed her photo shoot and she didn't even have her documents. It wasn’t fair to any of us that we had to struggle out there in the freezing cold to do this photo shoot -- and we had to have our papers already. She didn’t have either and she got to stay. I was upset about that. 

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Talking with Lauren, a friendly sort of punk

What are you up to now?
Well, you have to go back to everyday life, so I had to get a job: I work in an art store. The show took a few months to film, and somebody has to pay the rent. If I want, I’ll pursue modeling. Before the show I never had a background in modeling. I found a different side of me: I’m kind of scared by it, but I like it.

Did you feel we saw the real you on the show?
Yes and no. At panel they panned me as this meek, mousy girl, and I’m not. I have a habit of being lewd and offensive and be all things to people, and we saw a little of that when I went a little crazy, but my buttons were pushed, and I don't let people walk all over me, and that’s what happened.

It seemed like Lauren had been living on borrowed time. While the girl is tall and looked flawless at just about every shoot, her awkwardness and seeming ambivalence about being on "Top Model" would probably doom her. Unless she learned how to walk and suddenly found a way to be a "punk" (although, at least on the show, her punkiness didn't seem to go much farther than a leather jacket and a crabby personality), she wouldn't make it to the finals. It was a pity though that the editors of the episode made it so obvious early on that the night would be her final appearance. From the beginning, she talked about how she didn't expect to make it so far in the competition, how she doesn't fit in with the other girls, how she would suck at the challenge, and perhaps most damning, that she's not a CoverGirl. 

So, Stacy Ann, what are you up to now?
I went back to school. It’s very important to me. I’m finishing my bachelor's degree in education. Then I plan to go overseas to teach English in Japan, and then hopefully can do some overseas modeling.

Were you mad that you got eliminated instead of Fatima, who missed the photo shoot?
I was really devastated and really pissed that Fatima missed her photo shoot and she didn't even have her documents. It wasn’t fair to any of us that we had to struggle out there in the freezing cold to do this photo shoot -- and we had to have our papers already. She didn’t have either and she got to stay. I was upset about that. 

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Ciao, Lauren

It seemed like Lauren had been living on borrowed time. While the girl is tall and looked flawless at just about every shoot, her awkwardness and seeming ambivalence about being on "Top Model" would probably doom her. Unless she learned how to walk and suddenly found a way to be a "punk" (although, at least on the show, her punkiness didn't seem to go much farther than a leather jacket and a crabby personality), she wouldn't make it to the finals. It was a pity though that the editors of the episode made it so obvious early on that the night would be her final appearance. From the beginning, she talked about how she didn't expect to make it so far in the competition, how she doesn't fit in with the other girls, how she would suck at the challenge, and perhaps most damning, that she's not a CoverGirl. 

So, Stacy Ann, what are you up to now?
I went back to school. It’s very important to me. I’m finishing my bachelor's degree in education. Then I plan to go overseas to teach English in Japan, and then hopefully can do some overseas modeling.

Were you mad that you got eliminated instead of Fatima, who missed the photo shoot?
I was really devastated and really pissed that Fatima missed her photo shoot and she didn't even have her documents. It wasn’t fair to any of us that we had to struggle out there in the freezing cold to do this photo shoot -- and we had to have our papers already. She didn’t have either and she got to stay. I was upset about that. 

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Chatting with the girl who didn't go to Rome

So, Stacy Ann, what are you up to now?
I went back to school. It’s very important to me. I’m finishing my bachelor's degree in education. Then I plan to go overseas to teach English in Japan, and then hopefully can do some overseas modeling.

Were you mad that you got eliminated instead of Fatima, who missed the photo shoot?
I was really devastated and really pissed that Fatima missed her photo shoot and she didn't even have her documents. It wasn’t fair to any of us that we had to struggle out there in the freezing cold to do this photo shoot -- and we had to have our papers already. She didn’t have either and she got to stay. I was upset about that. 

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Somebody call the waahmbulance

It's hard being a model. Or an aspiring model, anyway. It seemed like almost everybody had something to overcome on last night's episode of "Top Model," and even those who didn't on this particular installment (like Dominique), still usually do talk about things they've had to surmount.  First, Lauren, noted how a person like her has never won "Top Model."  What exactly does that mean?  It would be admirable if she somehow said what about her is so positively unique, but instead all she did last night was curse the other girls on the red carpet and say that she wouldn't "be like those girls on TV who win," whatever that means. She did also have to rise above the challenge of receiving some stitches after cutting her finger with a knife, which is painful for sure but not as dramatic as the "Top Model" medical emergency standby of fainting.

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'Top Model's' Claire: 'Ivy League mother, crazy person, weirdo environmentalist'

What have you been up to since "Top Model"?
I've been finishing up editing my short film "The Passing." I'm starring in it, I wrote it and directed and edited it. It's what happens in my mind in the split second before I turn into a zombie. I was actually writing the script during "Top Model" and even before then.  My husband and I are going to submit it to festivals, and if people are interested, hopefully they'll get us to make more films. 

Is modeling on hold for now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling at the same time. I've been modeling with my baby. I've done stuff for Parent and Glamour magazines.

It almost sounds like you didn't need "Top Model," as you were already working and were on the show "Runway Moms" on the Discovery Channel. Why did you decide to try out?
I had a lot going on before the show: I was helping to run a production studio too. I love "ANTM," and it was a time for me to refocus on myself and get back to my creativity and these goals and dreams that I've had about putting myself out there in the public through modeling and TV. It was just something that I wanted to do, and my husband said that there's no reason why you shouldn't, and I was like, "Yeah, you're right. I should do it!"

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': No more Clay-ah

Poor Claire.  Not many "Top Model" contestants experience the minor lift and the major fall as quickly as she did.  What happened?  At the beginning of the cycle she was Tyra's golden girl, edgy, personable, and perhaps most valuable, able to pull off an extreme haircut.  But the last couple weeks of the competition she fell apart dramatically. In her previous photo shoot, she failed to emulate country music, and in this one, she got on Mr. Jay's bad side by literally diving head-first into her watery shoot, causing herself some injury and a delay in the proceedings.  Perhaps, coincidentally, the downfall coincided with some less graceful aspects of her personality captured by the cameras; for instance, declaring that the reason she was good friends with Whitney and Lauren was because they all disliked Dominique together (but how quickly the worm turns, as Lauren as well as Stacy-Ann started complaining about Claire off-camera.)  Some of the girls didn't care for Claire's joyous reaction at the end of last week's episode that Aimee, not she, would be going home, and during the go-sees, some of the bookers declared that she had too much personality (maybe she should have given some to Katarzyna, who has done nothing wrong this cycle except fail to be ingratiating and obnoxious.) 

Even with the absence of Claire, the bickering obviously won't stop as the cycle continues.  Lauren, in a frightening display, went off her rocker on Fatima last night and Dominique continued to declare that Whitney, along with everyone else on the planet, was intimidated by her can-do attitude. At this rate, the Top Model crown should go to Katarzyna, as she's the only model thus far who has demonstrated that she can get along with anyone.

-- Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy The CW)

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': postmortem with Aimee

What are you doing now?
Not a whole lot, just been working. I work at a restaurant as a hostess, saving up some money for school. I'm applying to Western Washington University, close to the Canadian border. I might want to study psychology, biology and literature.

Are you not pursuing modeling right now?
I'm definitely going to do modeling, for sure. I'm going to do that for a little while and see where that takes me and if it goes well.  I still really want to go to school though, that's important to me.

You mentioned in last night's episode that you didn't want to pose nude for any shoots. Did the producers bring this up to you during casting?

I kind of knew going into the show that there would be photo shoots where I might have to be nude: they had already made that very clear that that could be a possibility. I was a little uncomfortable with it just because it was a totally new situation,  but at the same time I had thought about it before going onto the show, that way I knew what I was going to do if that situation came up.  If I ended up doing any type of nude photo shoots, I do look at it as more of a form of art, advertising a product, not my body. It's not pornographic in any way. That's other thing too, the situation with Anya and her photo shoot, that might have been a little uncomfortable for me but it's mostly just because I haven't been in that kind of situation before.

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Fierceness, fierceness

There was a fair amount of foreshadowing last night that Aimee would be sent home. No. 1: The girls complimented her on how beautiful her skin was, which she accepted with grateful incredulity.  Typically, of course, the girl who brags that she has this competition in the bag is the one to be sent home that episode, but sometimes it's just the girl who has a random amount of screen time.  No. 2: Not that she was asked to, but Aimee, after hearing about Anya's nude photo shoot, professed that due to her Mormon upbringing, she would never want to pose nude. The never-nudes NEVER win Top Model.  And  No. 3, it seemed like she was destined to go home because it looks like the producers are eliminating all the pacifists in the house. Watch your back, Stacy Ann!

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': A chat with Marvita

What are you doing now, post-"ANTM"?
I'm just practicing posing. I'm back at home, back to working my normal retail job: I'm a cashier. But I love New York. I plan on moving there and looking for work.

What is your hair doing right now?
My hair is doing a lot that it shouldn't be doing. Right now I still have it in my mohawk. I'm looking forward to changing it really soon: it's going to be completely different. I'm thinking I'm gonna go blond, or I might keep it black, or go blue.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Model U.S.

"America's Next Top Model" for once actually touched upon a current hot-button issue in this country, apparently completely by accident. Race has been a hot topic in politics this week, and it played a major role in last night's "ANTM" installment. 

At the beginning of the episode, Dominique and Whitney bickered over the telephone (when will Tyra just do these girls a favor and put in more than one phone?). As their squabbling became more inane, Dominique accused Whitney of being a racist. Dominique seemed to realize right away that it was probably a stupid thing to say, as she tried explaining that Whitney could also be "racist" toward blond Jewish girls and redheaded Catholics. Whitney jumped all over this, however, pulling out the No. 1 white person's favorite rebuttal to this accusation: "My best friend is black!" 

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

America's Next Top Model: Meat Market

This cycle of "Top Model" seems to feature a more rough-and-tumble crowd than usual.  No episode can go by this season without some form of acrimony among the girls -- tonight alone brought Fatima complaining about Amis, the girls ganging up on Aimee and then on Whitney for sticking up for her.  Even  former ANTM'er Jaslene Gonzalez got into the act as she insulted Lauren, for appearing like she didn't want to be at the fashion show. There has already been gossip about the girls trashing their apartment so can physical violence be far away? 

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Makeover time!

"Top Model" watchers who are bored with the same format each season might be frustrated with this latest cycle. Tyra's attempts to make the show more relevant to the actual fashion world should be commended: she slightly changed up the perennial-third-episode-of-the-season Makeover Show by not telling the girls what she'd be doing to them -- ostensibly, how it's actually done in the fashion world.  More luminaries from the fashion world have been incorporated into the cycle as well, so last night Elle MacPherson showed up (although she was mostly there just to hawk her lingerie line, which the girls modeled.)

Unfortunately, Tyra is making no attempt to eschew the cliches that the show falls into each cycle.  Allison and Dominique, for instance, were set up early on in the episode to be in the bottom two (although Dominique should have been in there anyway for her awful soccer-mom makeover.)  Dominique referred to herself as a "diva" in the first few minutes of the show, and the episode provided ample footage of Allison sitting around crabbily as the other girls frolicked and screamed (why is there so much screaming in this cycle?), picking fights, talking about how much more experienced she was, and the kiss of death, discussing how she rocked her photo shoot. Meanwhile, viewers could spot a mile away that Stacy Ann would be the model who got her hair shorn, as she was the only one shown begging Tyra's picture not to give her short hair. 

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Will pose for change

"America's Next Top Model" has never been as strong as it thinks it is when it comes to exposing "issues."  Goodness knows Tyra Banks tries to make her series relevant to current events but the show's attempts at gravitas always come off as shallow -- beautiful crying, but fake. Viewers have seen models expound on the evils of smoking, eating disorders and tsunamis.  This week, Tyra demonstrated the serious problem of homeless youth by having the models dress up like they were homeless (screaming with joy on the way into the shoot), surrounded by actual homeless girls in haute couture.  The girls' post-photo shoot fate was never known, but Tyra did fill the models in on her close relationship with homelessness based on the one day she spent pretending to be homeless for her talk show.

Why the need for the "lessons"? There's nothing wrong with fashion being shallow: "Lighten up, it's just fashion," as Santino from "Project Runway" would say.  Ironically, though, when Kimberly, the blonde doll-faced girl, decided that fashion was too shallow for her, she was treated with scorn by the judges.  It's too bad, of course, that she took the place of someone else who might have really wanted to be on the show, but perhaps Tyra, for all her talk of girl power and strong decisions, should have respected someone who didn't waste further time in the competition and who made an executive decision about her life.  But then again, the girl did have a strong picture. On the other hand, she tried to justify her smoking and felt that "down to earth" is an antonym for "dumb."

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

America's Next Top Model: Meet the new cycle, same as the old cycle

Both the charm and irritation of "America's Next Top Model" is its steadfastness. Cycle 10 is upon us, and not that much seems to have changed since Cycle 1 (especially since the show is being brought back to New York from LA, which makes sense from a fashion point of view, but allegedly is being done because of Tyra Banks' own personal reasons.

So the inaugural episode of the new cycle was very much like all the previous ones.  The audience was introduced to a big group of girls, clearly encouraged by the producers to jump and scream as much as possible, especially when a cast member of the show appeared.  Per usual, they were winnowed down via a few small photo shoots, runway walking and a meeting with the panel.  You could say that this season they put a "spin" on that formula by telling the girls they were attending "Top Model Prep," however, they were put through the same old paces, the schoolgirl uniforms were taken straight from VH1's "Charm School" and we have already seen runway coach extraordinaire J. Alexander in a schoolmarm outfit.  Then, as always, Tyra appeared in an over-the-top reveal that was meant to show us how fun and spontaneous and real she is, and in case we weren't aware of how special she is, we were given ecstatic reactions from the girls, one of whom did say, specifically, that Tyra is "so special." 

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': It's a model world, after all

I had a nightmare the other night that went a little something like this. I was on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland except there weren’t any shrieking puppets. Instead, there were shrieking models. Ahhhh! I woke up and immediately ate some carbs.

The scary thing is, of course, that the “Top Model” format is ridiculously successful around the world, with countries from Afghanistan (no, really!) to Turkey airing their own versions. It’s not just American gals that want to be walking clothes hangers and are willing to suffer the indignities of reality TV to do so, apparently.

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Clip show

In previous seasons, the annual catch-up clip show was something of a bore -- more bickering, more crying, more scenes that were edited out for some reason.

This year, however, it provided some interesting context: Jeez, what did Ebony do to Tyra?

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': The day the squealing died

  So what does it take for nine rather sweet, raucous girls to be struck dead silent?

Easy. Tyson Beckford.

When the male supermodel/actor/studmuffin arrived at the girls' house to give them a lesson on spokespersonship, the ladies couldn't talk. They just gaped and swooned, barely emitting a giggle. For the first time ever, they shut their yaps and stopped gossiping. In Bizarro World, apparently, Tyson Beckford is a librarian.

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Thanks for the Halloween idea!

Oh Tyra, what would I do without you? Oct. 31 is fast approaching and I had no idea what I was going to dress up as for Halloween. But thanks to Wednesday night's episode, that dilemma has been solved: I'm going as a fashion gargoyle.

In one of the higher (literally) concept photo shoots so far, the models were dragged to the top of the Omni Hotel downtown. With a bit of staging fakery, they were set up as "fashion gargoyles" hanging off the side of the building, with big displays of patent leather, slicked-back hair and Toulouse-Lautrec makeup.

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Pushing daisies

Shrieeek! Shriiiiek! Shrieeek!  It was makeover week on "Top Model"!!  In past years, the diabolical makeover minds have taken otherwise cute girls and given them horrendous weaves (I still weep over the Bozo the Clown monstrosity Brittany received last year), ghastly dye jobs and geometric cuts that were impossible to upkeep unless you are Vidal Sassoon with an armada of flat brushes.

This year, however, the damage was fairly minimal.  Bianca did have to shave her head to get rid of the magenta layer, and Tyra seems to have a fondness for making over the women in her blunt-cut bangs, "If I Could Turn Back Time"-era Cher-length look.  But most of the gals attained an edge that was flattering.

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': You should be an ear model!

Wow, that was a lovely backhanded compliment Tyra paid Kimberly as she gave her the boot Wednesday night. Sure, Tyra said, Kimberly has a high-fashion face in person ... but it doesn't come through in photos. But those ears! Those beautiful ears! So angular, and ear-y. I don't know if that summation really made Kimberly feel any better.

But in watching last night's show, I did develop a theory. After nine cycles, I've ascertained that there are certain code words Tyra uses when she's giving feedback to the women at the end. For instance, "Commercial" = "Doomed." "Hoochie" = "You will get a story arc that shows you classing it up." "Fierce" = "Intense, which means you'll be eliminated after the first girly photo shoot." "Blond" = "You will receive a hideous makeover and not win, because I could barely stomach CariDee winning that one year."

Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gives such detailed attention to "Top Model."

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Now with extra preaching!

Is Tyra warming up her political chops for Barack Obama's appearance on her talk show Oct. 1?  Because Wednesday night's "Top Model" took on one issue after another -- from the environment to smoking to people with disabilities to, shudder, shopping at discount stores. I mean, my God, has the woman no shame?

The models will be carted around in a biodiesel limo bus this year, which is seemingly an invitation for jokes about the vehicle running on more food than the girls. (Not that you'll read a joke like that here, oh no.)

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Return of the shrieking lovelies!

Oh, "Top Model," how I've missed you!  It's been several long months since Cycle 8 wrapped up, and how I've been pining for tales of $25 weaves, hysterical crying at the sight of famous people, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"-inspired stage shows and the answer to the burning question: Is she a plus-sized model or a skinny girl with some pudge?

And all that was in the first 15 minutes.

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': And it's Jaslene!

In the end, the cha-cha carried the day, and Jaslene was named "America's Next Top Model" after Natasha was deemed not quite fluent enough in English, and Renee, all 20 years of her, was pushed aside as being too OLD, OLD, OLD.

The final episode had the ladies shooting a Cover Girl commercial, and Natasha stumbled through the improv portion. It was endearing to see her make a mess of it -- but it was in no way professional. Renee hit the spot with her enthusiasm -- but as has been telegraphed for a couple of episodes now, her traditionally pretty features, sleek blond hair and blue eyes just weren't ringing the judge's chimes.

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Cold war

MEEEow. Poor Natasha - she's the odd (quite literally) gal out of the four remaining models - and Dionne, Jaslene and Renee teamed up to try to boot her from the show. It didn't help that Natasha had a raging head cold, and skipped out on a night of clubbing in Sydney, which gave the trio the opportunity to cement their plans against her. It's true that the Russian woman has always been a bit off - there's the implied mail-order bride relationship with her husband (the official line is that they met on when he took a business trip to Moscow) and on top of that, her rarely mentioned baby - and this secrecy about her personal life freaked out the other girls in the house enough to gang up on her.

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': The final five

So here we have it: Natasha, Jaslene, Dionne, Renee and Brittany. I've been a Brittany fan from the beginning - holla for the gawky, pale, faux redheads - but the honest truth is that it's hard to make any of these ladies look bad. Wednesday's episode tested their professional mettle as much as their high cheekbones, with the gals required to keep to a model-tight schedule of fittings and scheduling - all while jetlagged in Sydney.

Only Jaslene, Renee and Dionne could make it back to the modeling agency in time, resulting in Brittany and Natasha banished to the patio of the workplace after they returned late. (Temporarily booted Natasha, thankfully, provided some perspective, reminding a sobbing and irrational Brittany that, you know, "some people have war in their countries." Aww, it's like the UN of the modeling world.)

Tyra - damn you, for looking so good without mascara - was the photographer who set the remaining ladies up with flowing, romantic hair extensions and bathing suites for a super sexy shoot with hunky guys on the beach. You know the Chris Isaac music video with Helena Christiansen? Think that. Jaslene, blessed with extraordinary bone structure - androgynous, yet fantastic - wound up winning the week's photo competition. Alas, my gal Brittany - who was deemed unacceptable by all the fashion houses she visited in Australia because of her sullen demeanor in meetings - was given the boot. My new favorite? Dionne. She's frequently criticized for defaulting to the "angry" look in her shoots - but hey, beauty without an edge is just a pretty picture.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Augh, clip show!

Aw, c'mon Tyra, why do you have to treat me like that?

After the comedy gold of the models in Australia last week, Wednesday night we get a recap show, with only a few new interviews and behind-the-scenes bitchiness thrown in.

Jael and Renee bickered; Samantha and Renee bickered; Brittany and Renee bickered; Dionne and Renee bickered; Renee even managed to bicker with inanimate objects, including bathroom cleaner. The reward for revisiting the cattiness? Renee classically describing Jael as "the female Kramer" for her tendency to aggressively hula-hoop in people's faces. Next week, we get back to the real show. Hey, I guess it's the only padding you'll ever see on Top Model.

(Photo courtesy The CW)

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Anything with a kangaroo can't be bad

Take One: The models go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in Australian accents.

Take Two: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Take Three: The models - who should be seen, but not heard - meet a kangaroo (and Tara dressed as a kangaroo), then go down to Oz and mumble mouth their way through a Cover Girl commercial in humiliating Australian accents.

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.

'America's Next Top Model': Skinny Girls 6, "Fat" Girls 0

Well, in the end, size did matter - as both plus-sized models on "America's Next Top Model" have been booted by Tyra Banks and her model-judgin' cronies. Several weeks ago Diana, whose heart never seemed fully in the contest, was whacked - and last night Whitney was dismissed after landing in the bottom two three weeks in a row. It was a tough road for Whitney - stunning in person and charismatic - but her photos never seemed to reveal her full personality and almost always made her look like a reject from a Sears catalogue. It didn't help that the photo shoot fates were fully against her - last night she was required to pose in a bath towel and high-heeled shoes - a look that's really not flattering on anyone (seriously, try it yourself) let alone a zaftig beauty.