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Late Night: Stephen Colbert's diatribe against Bradley Cooper

November 18, 2011 |  8:06 am

When Bradley Cooper was named "Sexiest Man Alive" by People magazine earlier this week, the news instantly sparked a mini-firestorm of controversy. First, an angry mob of Ryan Gosling enthusiasts (15 people is a mob, right?) picketed outside the magazine's Manhattan offices.

Then Thursday night, Stephen Colbert added his voice to the growing chorus of dissenters, calling the decision to bestow the crown upon Cooper "unthinkable."

"Sexy, please? Is that a man or did a horse take a dump in a wig factory?" Colbert asked rhetorically (we think).

Unimpressed by the actor's fluency in French, Colbert also suggested that Cooper, who told People that "people tripping and falling" make him laugh, has a cruel sense of humor.  "Oh, sounds like a nice guy. Bradley Cooper tripped Nana and she shattered her pelvis and he's laughing at her. Isn't he sexy?"

Lest you think his anti-Cooper diatribe was fueled by jealousy, Colbert insisted that he merely wanted justice for Matthew McConaughey, who was nowhere to be found in the current issue of the magazine despite being 2005's "Sexiest Man Alive."

"Are you saying he is no longer sexy?" Colbert asked. "'Sexiest Man Alive' should be like the Supreme Court: Once you are picked, you are sexiest for life."

After all, 1992's "Sexiest Man Alive" honoree Nick Nolte was still sexy, Colbert insisted, pointing to an infamous mug shot of the actor.

Colbert ended with some harsh words aimed at the celebrity glossy. "Read the Constitution, People magazine. Until such time as Mr. McConaughey wants to step down, he is the beefcake in chief and you are not to stain your cover with this misshapen homunculus."


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— Meredith Blake