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'The Voice' recap: Cee Lo plays the Lover, Christina channels Snooki

May 4, 2011 |  9:55 am

Xtina On “American Idol,” looks matter. On “The Voice,” not so much. The whole idea behind having blind auditions is that no one can judge you if you’re bald or heavy or lady-mustached or happen to have a long spiky lizard tongue that accidentally shoots out of your mouth right in the middle of some Katy Perry song.

So why is Cee Lo always creeping out on the hot girls?

Last night, his mouth dropped open when he saw Dia Frampton –- who, he pointed out multiple times, sure was pretty -- and he practically purred when he said that she was “warm, cozy, cuddly” just like her voice. (Yes, he scored her for his team.) But our favorite part was watching him react to teenage twins –- twins! -- Tori and Taylor Thompson, who sang Sugarland’s “Stuck Like Glue,” a song that two sisters have no business singing to each other on a family show. (“There you go, making my heart beat again .. won’t you do it, do it one time?”) 

After turning his Dr. Claw chair around and spying these country-singing beauties through his enormous sunglasses, Cee Lo waved his little T-Rex arms in excitement, smiling in a way that suggested he had big plans for these two –- and those plans may or may not include singing. No wonder he picked them for his team.

As the judges go, we’re gonna say Cee Lo is definitely the Lover. And Blake Shelton is the Teacher. (He always has the best argument for why a contestant should be matched with a particular judge and isn’t afraid to school Cee Lo on his fashion choices.) And Adam Levine is the Fighter. Listening to 39-year-old Tim Mahoney sing a soulful version of Sam Cooke’s “Bring It on Home to Me,” he dished out the weirdest compliment ever: “I thought you were gonna be a chick ... Sadly you have a penis.” (Um ... Thanks?) Amazingly, Girlie Mahoney sticks with Team Levine.

When tattooed Emily Valentine busted out her cover of Pink’s “Sober” and Cee Lo mentioned that he’s friends with Pink, Levine made a big production of looking for something on the floor. “Let me get that name for you,” he quipped. “You dropped it?” We particularly like seeing him draw his claws at Christina Aguilera, telling contestants they’re stuck with her, while the great blond bombshell alternately sighs, rolls those lovely giant-eyelash-bedazzled eyes and giggles.

Also, is that really Christina, or did someone put a blond wig on Snooki? We love all 3 feet of her that’s packed into that crazy-awesome dress, which appears as if her cleavage is rising up to eat her face. We love the way she makes that thinking-so-hard face whenever she’s trying to concentrate, as she did when she couldn’t decide whether to give second-time auditioner Lily Elise a second chance with her rendition of Alicia Keys’ “I Ain’t Got You.” (Ultimately, she pushed the buzzer. "I got you back!" squealed Christina.)

And we aren’t the only ones who love her: Diminutive 16-year-old Raquelle Castro specifically set out to wow her idol with a surprisingly sophisticated take on Leona Lewis' “Bleeding Love.” Christina loved it, claiming that from her own experience, "great things come in small packages,” even though the only thing small about Christina is her height. Everything else is big: big heels, big voice, big hair, and, from what we can tell from that dress, big other stuff too.

After seeing her daughter get picked, Raquelle’s mom got teary. “It’s her dream come true!” Mom cried. Which is kinda weird, because we’ve had that dream too. Y’know the one where you’re up on stage and Cee Lo and Blake Shelton and Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera are all staring at you? And when you tell Adam Levine how old you are (“Sixteen!”) he replies, “Oh god!” in a way that makes you want to back away slowly? And Carson Daly comes in to congratulate you for being chosen by Christina? And then your mom cries? And then a giant condor swoops in and eats all the other contestants?

No? You don’t have that dream? Well, we suspect it’s going to become a recurring dream.

RELATED:

"The Voice" hits a high note for NBC

 -- Melissa Maerz

Photo: Christina Aguilera. Credit: NBC

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