'American Idol' is newly nice, but what would Simon Cowell say?

Clearly, someone has kidnapped the judges on "American Idol" this season.

We're not sure what Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are doing on the show, but it's not judging. How could it be when nearly every performance, no matter how mediocre or downright lame, is greeted with "I loved that!" or "You gave me goosebumps!" or "Dude, you slayed it!"

So it's time for "Idol" to return to its roots. Its roots of nastiness! It's time to ... bring back Simon.

Of course, any "Draft Simon" movement is doomed to fail, since Simon Cowell is already committed to "The X Factor" on Fox this fall. So we'll have to create one: a Fake Simon. Someone who can restore sanity to the proceedings.

What would our Fake Simon say about the performances on Wednesday night's show? We think we know. Are some of the comments gratuitously mean? Sure. But so were Real Simon's. Remember?

Read on for Fake Simon's comments:

Scotty McCreery, "Swingin": That sounded like something you'd hear at -- what do you call it? -- a square dance lesson. I wouldn't buy that record. You just took a giant boot scoot backward with that, Scotty. Sorry! 

James Durbin, "Uprising": Well, James that was a very nice, powerful vocal, but was all the melodrama necessary? The drum corps, the epaulets, the waistcoat. I don't mean to be rude, but you looked like a drum major in the zombie army.

Haley Reinhart, "Rolling in the Deep": Look, Haley -- Adele is already one of the greats. And that was just a pale imitation of her. The song was bigger than you are. When we talk about karaoke on this show, that kind of performance is what we mean.

Jacob Lusk, "Dance with My Father": Jacob, I wonder if we had not seen the video of what this song meant to you, would it have still seemed so powerful? I suspect not. Nice try, but it was a total "telethon performance" and really wouldn't have worked on its own.

Casey Abrams, "Hard to Breathe": Oh, Casey, that was soooo corny. The coming to the edge of the stage, the high fives, the kissing of Jennifer. You looked like one of those precocious kids in the School of Rock programs, where their parents pay a ton of money so the little ones can impersonate rock stars. Only parents go to those shows because only parents want to see it. 

Stefano Langone, "Closer": Well, clearly you've got the young girls' votes, Stefano. But not mine. You didn't hit a lot of those notes. And shouting is not singing. I think you may have packed your bags with that song.

Lauren Alaina, "Born to Fly": Well, that was fine but nothing special. And that's the problem. This is a singing competition. And that was not competitive. It was not memorable, and it will not help you. I'm not sure you have the confidence to be here. And being a pop star is all about confidence.

ALSO:

Should "Idol" change its voting system?

How did the ouster of Pia Toscano affect ratings?

"American Idol" recap: The top 7 tackle the 21st century

-- Scott Collins (twitter.com/scottcollinsLAT)

Photo: Haley Reinhart performs on "American Idol," April 20, 2011. Credit: Michael Becker / Fox

 

 

Comments

[Erica Stephens]

I agree! except for Durbin,the kid has got it!

[Luigi]

Haley was so not singing a karaoke version of Adele's song. You clearly do not know true singing at all. She made it her own.

[Kimberley Kelly]

I hae not cared to watch AI for several years now..too many bad singers up there. This season, I have really enjoyed it. Different singers in different genras not all trying to be "pop stars"..sorry, I disagree here. Each of them brings something different and that's what keeps me wanting to watch it.

[nancy larson]

Everything I just read about your comments are absolutely true! This has to be the worse year of Idol. And I know that's been said before but this truly is. I've been watching since the beginning, these judges are an absolute joke! In fact I use that term loosely, what judges? There are none. All Jennifer does is blubber and say how wonderful everyone is. And I truly think Tyler is just there to have a good time. Don't get me started on Randy. The talent is nil, I mean what talent? THERE IS NONE! I'm sorry I hate to dwell on the past BUT these people cannot even come close to Lambert, Gokey or Iraheta. Where are you guys we need you back. Sad because I truly enjoyed the show, will not watch anymore. Don't care who wins!

[John De Salvio]

When Jacob Lusk at the beginning of his Luther Van Dross "Dance with My Father" pulled the mic down and shot a glance at the orchestra, then removed his earpiece and resumed singing, the judges noted he "lost the beat" at the beginning. Jacob pointed out that what he was hearing on "the track" was different than what the orchestra was playing. Umm... What is he supposed to listen to - the live orchestra, or a recorded sound track in his ear piece? No matter how good a sound system is, they will never be "in synch" with the live orchestra.
That's why so many of the contestant performers remove the ear piece. IT SCREWS UP THE SINGING!

[Grums]

Seconded!

I can't understand why this season is getting praise at all. The contestants are different that's true. Different genres, styles, etc. But there is also not a star in the bunch of them. Poor vocals (James) are disguised by loud drums (guest guitarists, flaming pianos) and on stage antics, contestants rarely go out of their comfort zones (Scotty, Lauren, Jacob, Stefano etc), others are just plain good to okay (Haley, Casey) and some are wooden or just plain terrible (Pia and Paul). And the judging isn't really judging is it? Why not get rid of the "In it to win it" or as JLo might say, "In it to revive my falling career", judges and shorten the show by half an hour? Would anyone really mind? Would it even make a difference?

[ellen radeloff]

Favorite all-around performers this season( still remaining):
HALEY, LAUREN (tie*)- BOTH terrific,charismatic and sound just great.LAUREN will sell($); HALEY can really entertain!!
SCOTTY-Charming and uniquely gifted with a special 'tone'- enjoyable to listen/watch
JAMES &JACOB ( tie**)-a'rich and powerful'sound to their voice;very special( James-always dramatic;Jacob-subtle drama and emotionally poignant)

[Bob/San Diego]

I agree with you about the "judges". They're just cheerleaders. Good thing they can't vote. You're right about Scotty. He needs to spend time looking at performances by other big name country singers. Scotty is basically Mr. One Tune. Stefano has got to go. He, not Pia, should have left a couple of weeks ago. I did like James Durbin, though I too could have done without the drums. He got my votes.

[mimi]

LOL . but hey, simon does says those kinda things if they are really baddd and even if its just ok. but if its really good, he really praises them. simons not all about the hate aight

[Loftboy]

You know, I do miss Simon and his snarky comments. He had a way of telling the truth in a straightforward, brutal fashion much akin to the way a grizzled, world-weary football coach might criticize his team's play after a bad first half. Tough, yet vaguely inspiring.
What we are getting this year feels like a little kid's soccer or baseball league. At the end, everybody gets a trophy, because it's not about winning, it's about trying.
That works out fine for little kids, but this is the big league and not everybody should get a trophy just for trying.
Simon knew that and that's why I miss him.

[davidm617]

What would Simon say? Is this a joke? It's a spoof, right? If not it's a pretty myopic observation of the very astute critic.

[Stacey]

Thanks for the shout-out to School of Rock. I think you'd be surprised how many people come out for School of Rock shows in Minnesota. It certainly isn't just the parents. Are there kids there? Absolutely. They're All Ages Shows.

We've had experiences where the kids get on stage to play, adults start to leave, then before the first song is over those adults have turned around, moved to the front of the stage and are dialing friends to listen to these amazing kid musicians through their cell phones.

And one of our 15 year olds got asked to audition to be the bass player for a national touring act. The band happened to get to the venue early and watched the kids. They thought the 15 year old was 18 years old and were really impressed with him.

If your travels bring you through Minneapolis/St. Paul, look us up. We'll show what School of Rock is really all about!

[Tiago Brugnera]

You know, I don't actually get all the criticism on the season. Yeah, the "judges" are just cheerleaders for sure, but I don't miss Simon, I miss someone who pulls everyones to the max o s their talent.

Previous seasons there was just 1 or 2 (top!) good singers. (Season 9 - None, Season 8 - Lambert only), unlike AI 10, which clearly has so different genres, so different personalities and very entertainment singers, just take a look in the Studio Versions of Haley, Casey and Jacob.

Cheers

[Ann]

How would anyone know what Simon would realy say, there is only Simon and no one can be like him. I miss his on the show.Your fake fake simon is notton like the real one.He just as bad as the judges this year. Randy -( lost what he had, he just a puppy now ) Jennifer she like a littlr girl ,she love them all , she cry.she love all the attenten she it.that what she about.) Tyler -( He sit there, He need to let go and not try to agree with the other two judges.and stop all the beepbeep beep that dont make the show. I dont think he realy into this.Oh and when they had Lambert on this year I feel they made him do what his did and not be his self. I wish they would bring Simon and Paula back as a guess one time . This show was good I hope it get back that way some time.

[Ann]

I think the American Idol need to see all these COMMENTS

[Jimi]

I knew this going to happen. Now where those, "ooh, I really hate Simon Cowell people?". This season I only watched the first episode and after watching the new judges giving comments, I switched off my TV. The problem with the current judges, nobody want to be the "bad guy" and really give honest comment on each performance. Even when it's bad, they still love it. How is it going to help the contestants when nobody pointing out their weaknesses? I'm going to watch X-Factor only from now on.