'Celebrity Apprentice' recap: Donald Trump's circus is back in action, and what a show!

Justin Bieber probably should have watched the premiere of "Celebrity Apprentice" Sunday night on NBC.

It might have been instructional to see how poor David Cassidy, a 60-year-old man still described as a "teen idol," was humiliated. It could be argued, and it would be true, that "Celebrity Apprentice" is merely a vehicle to humiliate one-time "celebrities." But this was a new low.

I must admit I fall well outside the demographic that knows who David Cassidy is, and I'm even further from knowing anything about his music. But if the Wikipedia entry on him is at all true (I had to look him up to know who he was), this was likely a big step down. 

You know you're clinging onto fame like Mufasa hanging off that cliff in "Lion King" when you've subjected yourself to a comeuppance from Richard Hatch, the dreadful, tax-evading winner of the first "Survivor." And it's clear that things have taken a weird turn when you're relying on Jose Canseco to both protect you and vouch for you.

What can I say? It was a weird night.

Donald Trump certainly corralled an interesting -- to say the least -- group featuring has-beens, former reality stars, a disgraced former athlete and, for good measure, a couple of actual celebrities there because, I suppose, they had nothing better to do. 

The Trump split the group into teams the easiest way possible: men versus women. 

On the men's team, called "Backbone": Canseco, Cassidy, Hatch, Gary Busey, Meat Loaf, Lil Jon, John Rich and Mark McGrath. 

The women called themselves "ASAP," which stands for Artists, Singers, Authors and Professionals -- or, um, something like that. LaToya Jackson, who was labeled as a music icon -- kind of a stretch -- struggled in explaining the team name to the Trump and could never get it quite right.

That team consists of: Jackson, Dionne Warwick, NeNe Leakes, Marlee Matlin (yeah, the Academy Award-winning actress), Hope Dworaczyk, Niki Taylor, Lisa Rinna and Star Jones.

(If you have to Google a good number of these contestants just to figure out who they are, don't worry -- you aren't alone.)

The first challenge was to open a pizzeria to raise money for charity. The ones who think they're connected immediately picked up their phones and began the begging. As you'll learn on reality TV, a phone is never to be put up to the ear. Pssh, that that how the normals do it. A celebrity turns on the speaker phone, holds it in front of his or her face with a loose wrist and uses the loudest outside voice they can muster. 

Others went to work. And a couple started early in their attempt to plow their way to the top. 

They managed to run a pizzeria about as well as many pizzerias are run. There was a line, there were self-important manager types, and there were the lazier employees who wanted a break every five minutes.

Hatch and Jones were the project managers for the men and women, respectively, and they were both equally horrendous. Hatch was bossy, demanding and pushed Cassidy around like a schoolyard bully. Since he outplayed and outlasted everyone else on the island like 10 years ago, it's clear he thinks he's some kind of hot shot. And -- in case you're not connected to reality -- Star Jones knows everything and everyone. Despite shrinking herself into oblivion, she still apparently knows the first family of Bermuda well enough to bother them to donate to her pizza-parlor adventure. 

But there was nothing more egregious than putting Dionne Warwick on the register. It's not Warwick's fault that she couldn't make change or work the credit-card machine; Jones should have seen that coming. (The psychic Warwick should have too, but I'm not going to go there.)

Some of the things made clear in the show weren't surprises: Gary Busey's ramblings can be terrifying and often make no sense whatsoever. Star Jones is, without a doubt, the most important person in any and every room. NeNe Leakes (full disclosure: she is my favorite housewife, period) is waiting in the wings to start up some drama. 

But there were some surprises: Jose Canseco was remarkably tempered and reasonable. I was waiting for a bout of roid rage, especially against Richard Hatch. But he was sensible and stood up for the tiny, defenseless David Cassidy, which is honorable. Apparently, Lil Jon is incapable of verbalizing beyond screaming interjections: "OK!" "Yeaa-yahhh!" "Shots! Shots! Shots!" 

Country-music star John Rich is pretty sharp and witty and is a good addition to the show. Lisa Rinna -- especially now that those unfortunate lip injections have been repaired -- is more than willing to talk trash behind her project manager's back and will likely help Leakes putting some shade on Jones and some of the more foolish ones on the show. (Also Marlee Matlin, why are you doing this? Aren't you better than this?)

Ultimately, the women -- with their cashing in of chits and Niki Taylor's supposedly delicious pizza -- won handily, bringing in well over $100,000, getting something like three times what the men pulled in. The men had to stay behind in the board room with the Trump and his kids, who are business and leadership experts because, of course, the Trump is so wise that such knowledge is just intrinsic for his offspring. 

It was whittled down to Hatch, Canseco and Cassidy. Cassidy squirmed in a pathetic and demoralizing sit-down. He was asked if he was too embarrassed to say anything, and his diminutive size was bandied about. He might as well have hidden behind Canseco, in his amazing bedazzled pinstripe coat, surely a staple of the Ed Hardy Professional Collection. 

That's where the lesson for Justin Bieber comes in. You might be riding high now: Some fool paid $40,000 for your hair, your life has been made into a 3-D movie, and Usher may be your BFF. But be careful, such success is fleeting. One day you will be 60 years old. It might be you being shoved around and bullied by That Man Who Won Some Reality Show a Decade Ago and being judged by a businessman with a punchline of a hairdo.

And it might be you who can't make it past the first episode. 

***

The Men/Backbone:
David Cassidy
Richard Hatch [project manager]
Jose Canseco
Gary Busey
Meat Loaf
Lil Jon
John Rich
Mark McGrath 

The Women/ASAP
Dionne Warwick 
NeNe Leakes
Marlee Matlin
La Toya Jackson
Hope Dworaczyk
Lisa Rinna
Niki Taylor
Star Jones [project manager]

***

What did you think? Do you think the Trump should have sent Richard Hatch home instead?

Go ahead make some predictions for the season. It looks like it might be a doozy!

-- Rick Rojas 

Photo: David Cassidy. Credit: Virginia Sherwood / NBC  

Comments

[Wayne Crosby]

It was a very good first episode,although Richard Hatch should have got the boot!

[dorothy Boucher]

no way Cassidy should have been sent home. Trump knows Hatch is gonna make some people mad and he kept him in for the ride and the headlines. That's entertainment, folks.......??????

[Trump Fan]

3/7/11 -- Richard Hatch is the ideal person for weaker people to gang up on because he is emotional. Bullies like to fan emotions and get a quick reaction. Richard Hatch does not operate this way but he will stand up to a challenge. True, he can be arrogant and insensitive and I hated him as much as anyone did on Survivor--but ganging up on one person shows cowardice, not courage.
Star Jones may know everyone but that doesn't stop her from acting like is a spoiled, self-centered brat. She showed no respect for her group until they won; then she acted so sweet and supportive.
:-))

[Karen G]

Good recap! Missing this year - no sexy attractive men. This group is definitely not made up of any interesting "beautiful people". Reality shows are only successful when there is someone cool to watch. Wow, Meatloaf has zero personality. And, granted, I am all for assimilating the deaf into society - but this venue is not the right place. Sure, it can be done, and she has every right to be there, but for TV the sign language is very distracting - just to prove a point that a deaf person can do it? why?

[Paula]

Excellent recap. The Donald should have paid any amount to procure Mr. Al Reynolds as a cast member. Throw in Kelly Bensimon and the Salahis and it's goodbye Dancing w/the Stars. C'mon Donald...so many potential smackdowns that it would make your hair stand on end....oops, you've already got that covered.

[Dave Parker]

I've avoided this show since it came on the air, but if your recap is as accurate as I think it is, this has "train wreck" written all over it SO much that I might even forgo the first airing of TRHOC to watch.

[Chris Conner]

I agree with Trump sending home Cassidy. It ticked me off that they were saying Hatch was lying, but they couldn't tell the truth about all the breaks Cassidy kept taking. Must be at least 47" tall to stay on Celebrity Apprentice! So Long David.

[Mo CowBell]

The humiliation of David Cassidy deserves serious Emmy consideration.

A freakishly large head on a tiny weakling body, Cassidy gets beat up in the boardroom, puts on his London Fog for boy's trench coat and struts out into the night. Safe in his limo, he explains that although he's "strong" for his size, he doesn't believe in violence.

[Gord Fletcher]

Just an absolute joke... if the T.V. addicted needed any evidence that the wealthy will stoop to any level to attain more wealth, this season of CA is it...

Trump fired Cassidy because he didn't show the spirit to stand up for himself? Kept looking to Canseco for help?

Hey Donald! If you had been listening, Canseco challenged Hatch's claim that Cassidy took numerous breaks because 'he was standing right next to him the entire day!'

When David turned to Jose after another Hatch lie, it wasn't for help, it was for 'confirmation!'

And you might want to be the next President of the United States?
Learn to show integrity in your decision making process instead of just trying to 'stir a pot' and try getting 2 people to sit on either side of you that will actually challenge your decision(s), instead of your 2 butt kissing children...

Last time I tune in...

[Melissa]

ahahahahaha Karen G and Paula. Your comments made me laugh out loud at work. Thanks for that. And serioudly come one MEAT LOAF!!!! Its 2011.

[mary-ann laevens]

What a shock to see my teen idol be voted off last night. David Cassidy has too much class to be rude, and I think not keeping him on was a big mistake.

[Diane]

You are as rude as ignorant! You don't know David Cassidy? The Donald let him go because he wasn't out for blood. I think that makes him a better person! And yes not dramatic tv like Hatch. Like Trump said he had greater respect for David, I agree. I wish Trump could go with the worthy person and not just who MIGHT make better TV. I think I (DON'T) love this show anymore.

[Marie]

David Cassidy they don't deserve you. Too much of a gentleman to be on this show. Too many bullies and it is too bad that is what is left. What happened to good days of being nice and friendly? Too bad the writer of this article is not much older to appreciate things more than Justin Bieber!! Come on now! His music will only last as long as his 15 minutes. David Cassidy forever!!!

[An American Abroad]

The beauty of the show is in the details of post production edit where there's genius in the clues......should of grabbed a cab or courier for pizza delivery x2 and kept lines of communication open, technology is a friend in traffic gridlock. First in charge, Star was the star- thoroughly a class act and her little dog too.

[Kathy]

I enjoyed the first episode. But Starr Jones please..she is so full of herself. Poor Cassidy was like a bullied boy. Could not defend himself. CAnt wait to see Conseco and Richard butt heads.

[stell]

I cant believe I got sucked into watching this show again, after I stopped watching it a few seasons ago.It pained me to watch former teen idol David Cassidy humiliated. He was the only "real" celebrity on the mens team. The guy who belittled Cassidy needs a "Chi-town Westside beatdown" by the hommies!
I wont watch anymore. It reminded me why I wouldn't vote for Trump as President.

[Meeghan]

Nice recap, but your dig about the phones is odd. Pretty sure they have to put it on speaker phone because they're being filmed and the show wants both sides of the conversation.

[cshargeit]

put danny bonaduce in cassidy's place-- it would have been a different ending. but not being predictable is what hooks me to this show.... also that predatory schemer hatch has yet to reveal why he isn't a leading politician by now.

[zygion]

Referring to Cassidy as "the tiny, defenseless David Cassidy" is as bad as what the horrible Richard Hatch did. Shame on whoever wrote this article.

This was the first show I've watched. It's like any reality show that depends on its ratings for dysfunction, cattiness and mental illness. Most of the people on this show are F-list narcissistic has beens. Ew.

[shirley berkovits]

Yes I think that Donald should have fired Richard Hatch instead of David and I did not like the way that Richard treated David that was rude and david has more class then any of them.