‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: A ‘Machiavellic’ evening, indeed

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Dang it! We have to talk about Camille Grammer behaving badly, again. But, I have to admit: She did dazzle us with some awfully big words Thursday night, all used not surprisingly to trash Kyle Richards as we saw the second half of the Big Apple Scuffle.

Kyle is pernicious!

Camille just wanted to eviscerate them “with words.” (To stay classy, of course, she resisted.)

The whole evening, as the other women led by Kyle attempted to rip into her, was Machiavellic. (I checked my dictionary, and I’m pretty sure that’s not actually a word. Hopefully some smarter Show Trackers can help me on that one.)

Camille may have impressed us with her consultation of a thesaurus. And I can only guess she’s reading “The Art of War” to strategize the escalation of her feud with Kyle for future episodes. But that wasn’t the only thing mind-boggling about “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” this week, and her role in it.

She continued to portray herself as a brave victim, apparently assaulted by her own delusions. Camille huddles with her “friends” -- read: hair and makeup groupies -- who are her primary enablers. “That’s why we connect,” she says to the man she pays to apply her eye shadow, “we’re survivors.”

Hair groupie says it’s envy -- women have always been threatened by Camille. They can’t handle her. Yeah, that’s it. It’s “judgment without knowledge,” Camille agrees. “I think there’s some jealousy.”

Yes, as she so frequently mentions, she is indeed married to the esteemed Kelsey Grammer. She has all these estates, and all these nannies, and she’s so much smarter than all the other women. She is the woman who has it all.

(We know, courtesy of the divorce papers, that’s not true.)

Which brings us back to Beverly Hills. This week, Adrienne Maloof stayed back. Her uncle died, and family comes first, she says. And we saw her and her husband in action. It’s adorable in the old married couple sort of way (I mean, they have been married for eight whole years, which would seem quite a commitment for Beverly Hills.) They bicker. He runs the family late. He skips out on a commitment with Adrienne’s mother. But it’s clear that something is there. (Side note: What was that cool, spinning thing he stored his watches in?)

We saw Kyle’s husband (who’s also the Grammers’ real estate agent, which we’ll get to soon) playing in the pool with her kids.

We also see Rod Stewart Vanderpump traipsing about the Vanderpump estate, lost without Lisa there. He has to keep himself busy playing with little Jiggy, as they wear matching lavender shirts. In New York, we find that family can sometimes fail. Kim Richards, in what I suppose is a subtle act of revenge after all the nagging she gets from Kyle, didn’t stick up for her sister. Kim was there when Camille alleges Kyle said you-know-what. When the moment came to defend her, Kim stood down. And, instead, she looked like a defeated puppy in one of those Sarah McLachlan commercials. (I was waiting to hear “The arms of an angel...” being sung in a melancholy voice every time the camera flashed to Kim’s either pouting or confused face.) The two made up in the end. Because that’s what sisters do. That’s what families do. They scuffle, they screw up, but they make up.

And then we see Camille greet Kelsey in his dressing room after the show. No chemistry whatsoever. They kiss, if you can call two faces brushing each other for maybe a second a kiss. When Kelsey says he has to change clothes, that means she has to leave. A wife staying in the room while her husband changes clothes? How ludicrous!

Honestly, if I were Camille looking at the other families, I would be the jealous one. Kelsey and her together have the warmth of ice cubes. (Though, I’m sure they’re the very fanciest of ice cubes in all of Beverly Hills.)

That brings me to the other glaring problem: How is it the only man with whom she can hold a conversation, and seem a little too chummy with, is her -- married -- tennis coach and, um, traveling companion, Nick.

But we’re the wrong ones, all of us here back on Earth, Camille instructs the audience. She’s not only right, she has the upper hand. Plus, she shouldn’t even have to deal with people beneath her, like Kyle. Her husband does work for the Grammers; Kyle’s no better than the people who paint up her face, cut her strawberries or fetch the phone once she’s done speaking.

“In terms of pecking order,” she explains, “my husband’s higher” than Kyle’s husband, “the local Beverly Hills real estate agent.”

Her now ex-husband, Kelsey, then explains what can make for a long, happy marriage. You have to “hope you marry someone decent.”

Don’t worry, Kelsey, we’ll go ahead and put two and two together for you.

***
P.S. CBS canceled Patricia Arquette’s “Medium.” Camille’s going to need to find another career to take credit for.

Tell me what you think, Show Trackers. Help me make some sense of this.

(Please don’t say something along the lines of, Get a life! How can you waste your time watching such garbage?! I’m going to have to respond: I think going out of your way to find a blog about a show you can’t stand, and then proceed to talk trash is slightly more pathetic.)

-- Rick Rojas

Photos, from top: Camille Grammer; Kyle Richards (Credit: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo).