'Gossip Girl' recap: Insiders vs. outsiders

The promos may have teased about the newest incarnation of Chuck and Blair's dysfunctional romance, but their "hate sex" was almost completely beside the point of this week's episode. Sure, the show kicks off with Chuck amusing Blair under the covers as she tries to give Serena some distracted advice. Yes, they get it on in public. Chuck even orders his chauffeur to pick him up a lifetime's supply of condoms and booze, in anticipation of the marathon sex-fest he imagines will help them tire of each other.

I won't deny the fun of watching Blair and Chuck lustily paw at each other. But now that we've acknowledged it, let's move on to what really happened this week: War broke out on the Upper East Side. Though there have always been insiders and outsiders -- or Manhattanites and Brooklynites, or new money and old money -- in this rarefied world, the two factions have never been so clearly and completely at odds before.

The big surprise is who incites the war. After a few weeks of licking her wounds in Brooklyn, Vanessa returns with a vengeance. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally see her make some trouble! Joining forces with Nate to expose Juliet's lies, Vanessa is disappointed once again when Juliet hits him with yet another sob story about how "poor" she is and -- in classic Archibald form -- he believes her. (Living on 126th Street and building her own IKEA furniture is a fate worse than death, and as his family once had no money for a few minutes, he can totally relate!) Luckily, by the time Nate calls her to cancel their plan, Vanessa's already snuck into Juliet's real apartment and found something even better than she was looking for: photos of Serena and Colin canoodling.

Sick of constantly being shoved aside for Serena -- a girl we actually believe when she coos, "All I can think about is how much I want to be on [Colin's] arm at the ballet" -- Vanessa shows up at the ballet gala with a stolen memory card full of Juliet's pictures to show the Columbia dean who suspects S of trading sex for grades. And although Juliet has apparently resolved to cut ties with Ben and abandon her scheming for Colin's sake, Vanessa reveals that she's already told Nate about the photos -- and he's telling Blair, and the Upper East Side "insiders" are coming together to smack both of them down. "At the end of the day, you're an outsider, just like me," Vanessa says. As she's exhausted all of her other allies, Juliet has no choice but to back up Vanessa.

What's really impressive -- not to mention creepy -- is the way the original Upper East Siders rally when threatened with a coup. Nate doesn't know much, but he does realize that Blair is the go-to schemer for plotting a response to Juliet's spying. Suddenly, B's taking the bullet for S, dispelling suspicions that Serena is giving it away to anyone who will give her a good grade by claiming that she's the one hooking up with Colin. A moment later, Chuck's there to drawl about how he can corroborate Blair's confession, as he's stalking her and she tells him all about her sexual exploits.

They may have (sort of) vindicated Serena in the eyes of the increasingly weary and disgusted dean, but the rich kids don't stop there. Outside the gala, Blair, Chuck, Nate and Serena surround Juliet. In a comically intense 360-degree shot, we follow along as each one verbally rips into her, the insiders finishing one another's thoughts as though they all share a single hive mind. (Hey, it's possible.) Of course, most of the jabs are class-based: "You don't belong there, anyway," Blair sniffs, referring to Columbia.

Later that night, in her final feat of Waldorf-caliber manipulation, Vanessa introduces Juliet to another scheming outsider we haven't seen much of this season: Jenny Humphrey! A conspiracy is in the works, and though Blair and Chuck working together are nearly impossible to beat, they and their less intelligent friends may get more than they bargained for from this angry, desperate trio. (And I can't help but thinking about how interesting the plots could get if they bring Georgina Sparks back.)

Now that the Upper East Siders have split into two camps, outsiders vs. insiders, I'm left wondering what will happen to poor Dan. As usual, he's caught between two worlds. On one side, there's his old friend/recent ex Vanessa and his humble, Brooklyn roots. On the other, there's his mystifying devotion to Serena, who for some reason has broken it off with Colin and gravitated back to Dan. (Reminder: She is still his stepsister.)

As the class war heats up, I expect to see some major pathos from Lonely Boy. But what I'm really interested in is whose side you're on. Readers, are you Team Insiders or Team Outsiders? And who do you think will come out on top?

"Gossip Girl" highbrow reference watch:

"Let me see: writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or a secret mission that might help me clear my name?" -- Vanessa to Nate

Your weekly "Gossip Girl" fashion top five:

1. Blair's blue, flowered Ralph Lauren gown.

2. Vanessa's pink-and-purple, leaf-print Christian Cota dress. Her first great outfit of the season!

3. Blair's black blouse with the gray-and-white bird print.

4. Colin's simple, sexy Dior suit. J'adore!

5. Serena's gray sweater with the metal arrows.

-- Judy Berman
twitter.com/judyberman

 Photo: Juliet and Blair plead their case to Dean Reuther. Credit: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

Comments

[Penelope]

Team insiders FTW.

[Caitlin]

Team insiders all the way. Jenny, Vanessa and Juliet are all just angry they don't "fit in." If they had their asses kissed they'd be singing a different tune. They're all my least favorite characters because they are constantly throwing themselves pity parties.

As far as Nate vs Dan: SHE BETTER CHOOSE DAN!!!

[Noura]

Team outsiders all the freakin way, its not that I like them (maybe just Vanessa) but the "insiders" are RIDICULOUS! I mean seriously who is like that? Everything Vanessa said about them doing whatever they want and getting away with it is absolutely right, just because they look good doing it doesn't make it right! Seriously who banishes people? And what kind of person would allow a 19 year old to banish them and treat them like that, I just think they need to be brought down a few notches, I know its just a show but sometimes I want to write a four word letter to the producers saying ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

As far as the Serena situation I think they (Nate and Dan) should realize that they are so much better off, especially Dan.
I vote he gets his own show. With Rufus.

[Elena]

Team Insiders for sure. Vanessa has reason to feel bitter, but Juliets just bad news. She told Nate another pack of half-truths, as in where she lives but not about Ben and her schemes to take down Serena (we still don't know why do we?). Thought Jenny wanted to stay away from all the schemes, guess she'll have a change of heart.

[Elena (2)]

I must admit that, for the first time in 4 seasons of Gossip Girl, I am with Team Outsiders. I've always sided with the glamorous ones, but last night... I can't explain it even to myself, but I liked Vanessa (maybe because she was scheming, and doing it well, like she was one of the glamorous insiders?), and oh, I've even felt some sympathy for Lonely Boy, dumped twice by Serena. I still don't like Janet, but the "less intelligent friends" (LOL) are really annoying. So, for once, let me say: Go Team Outsiders!

[Judy Berman]

Weirdly, I'm finding it tough to pick a side. I love the insiders, but I'm really sick of them. Serena and Nate are dumb; Blair and Chuck are sexy schemers. We get it. Might be nice to have someone take center stage for a while.

@Elena
No, we still don't know what Ben's deal is! I worry that we could be waiting most of the season for that to come out.

[Grace]

Insiders!! The outsiders are, as chuck would put it, tiresome. Honestly, get a life! "boohoo, I can't believe people like Serena/Blair better than me, boohoo so unfair I want them to SUFFAAAHH!!!!!"
psychopaths...

[Irene]

TEAM INSIDERS FOR SUREEEEE! Jenny is a bitch who gave it to Chuck just cause she was desperate, she also made Serena think she had a thing with Blair AND she was sooo mean to her step brother just to fit in.
Vanessa just can't accept she'll never be like serena. Serena is just gorgeous, she can't help it, and she doesn't hurt anyone!
And Julliet, she's phsyco...