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House recap: The big sleep-over

October 11, 2010 | 10:53 pm

Masseuse Black & Decker power drill bit into a skull, male prostitution and the Oedipus complex. All that in 44 ½ minutes of snappy dialogue.

A woman, whose husband knows her as Margaret (but thanks to House & Co. must eventually reveal her birth name), vomits in her husband’s arms.

Not the Valentine’s Day episode.

Ow, it’s her stomach, she tells him. Ya think? I thought it might be a sprained ankle!

Meanwhile, back at Princeton Plainsboro, Chase has hired a new victim -- uh, highly trained professional, Dr. Kelly Benedict, who has just wrapped a psychiatric residency, to replace Cameron. As if anyone can replace Cameron.

House immediately recognizes her medical talent, nicknaming her "Sham-er-on." And we’re off.

Scans reveal the patient, "Margaret" (not her real name) had broken several ribs years ago, but didn’t mention in. When confronted, she explains to the docs and her confused husband, Billy, oh, I cycled when at UMass. Fell on a sprinkler head. Surgery was at the hospital up there.

This is the beginning of a cascade of lies that lawyers in "The Social Network" would have trouble itemizing.

Gratefully, the House+Cuddy romance has been nestled where it belongs, as the B story, behind our Patient of the Week (POTW, who will soon be discovered to be a liar, liar, pants on fire). On her way out of House’s house, Cuddy passes House’s "masseuse." Yeah, it’s exactly what you’re thinking, except no more happy endings, now that House and Cuddy are Huddy.

Problem is, that’s seldom good enough for the GF, is it? GFs can be so, well, snitty when it comes to their men spending quality nude time with other females.

"I won’t see you until you stop seeing her," Cuddy succinctly puts it. She wants to give House the name of a therapist they can both live with. Ah, women. Can’t live with them, can’t explain that the "endings" are "sad" now.

Point of reference: They haven’t yet slept overnight at each other’s place. Trouble in paradise?

Lie upon lie: Dr. Benedict checks UMass records for her patient’s surgical history. UMass never heard of her. So Benedict runs a check of the patient’s Social Security number. "You look great for a 65-year-old," House says, when confronting her.

The patient explains: She didn’t want Billy to know. Years ago, she was married. Guy drank. Abused her. She moved to Arizona. He found her, poisoned her dog. She assumed a dead woman’s ID, returning to the East Coast. She’s in a support group for abused women over at Trenton General. Oh, BTW, her "real" name is "Jenny."

It’s bad enough that the previous paragraph has more lies than the aftermath of a bachelor party. But it sets the team on the wrong track, treating her for poison, because docs fear her ex has found her and slipped her some kind of mickey.

Wrong diagnosis. Wrong treatment. The team reconvenes.

But first, a little team business. House has dug up an old photo of Chase and his mom. Turns out Mom looks just like Doc Benedict. Could that be why Chase hired her? Get ready to put out your eyes with broach pins, class.

Benedict suggests Legionnaires’ disease. Incorrect. She adjusts the patient’s cooling blanket before exploratory surgery to drill into "Jen’s" head. Disastrous move. Poor Doc Benedict is under so much pressure, she seeks comfort in the bottom of a pack of Marlboro Lights -- and she doesn’t even smoke!

House gives Chase the choice or retaining or firing Benedict. Chase, my man, we don’t think you made the right call. Unless, of course, you want to get laid.

Oh, you’ve read this far because you want to know about Philippe … uh, the male prostitute. House hires him to give Cuddy a massage. There isn’t so much a happy ending or a sad ending, but there sure is an abrupt ending.

The patient begins to hallucinate. Why not, everything else has happened to her. Benedict suggests bipolar disorder.

The great patient roulette wheel is spun, and Doc Benedict is correct: The patient is schizophrenic and has been undergoing treatment for years. Her meds must be adjusted.

Hold on there, her loving but overwhelmed husband says. This isn’t what he signed up for. "This isn’t who I married," he says. He doesn’t know if he can stay with her.

"It’s too hard," beleaguered Billy says.

"It’s always hard," House says, and the (figurative) lightbulb over his head goes on. Yes, he’ll actually have to work at his relationship with Cuddy.

So, dinner at Cuddy’s, and probably the next step: a sleep-over. Rachel in a high chair. The tyke puts House’s cane in her mouth. For House, it’s tolerance at first sight.

--Linda Whitmore

Photo: Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein), left, hasn't been properly introduced to her boyfriend's personal masseuse (Jamie Tompkins). Credit: Adam Taylor / Fox