‘Dancing With the Stars’ results recap: Bolton booted

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Someone please throw this guy a bone — the hits just kept on coming for singer-songwriter Michael Bolton. After being chopped up like a bowl full of kibble the night before, the guy was unceremoniously booted from “Dancing With the Stars” during its second week of competition.

First it was the Hoff. Now it’s the Bolt. Have the 1980s and ’90s been so bad to “DWTS” viewers that they’d just as soon rather forget?

Oh, Michael Bolton. They said they loved him … but they lied, and it was no doubt those dismal scores that effectively put ol’ raspy out of his misery ballroom commission. Not that this was a surprise to anyone. Bruno practically dug the singer’s grave the night before, what with his claims of being “the worst jive ever” and that slap of a 3, which left him a full 6 points behind the next competitor. Even with Len’s (Len’s!) entreaties to “enlighten and encourage,” Bruno insisted that “Rin Tin Tin would have done a better jive.” Bow-wouch. Did you catch Carrie Ann looking up to the high heavens, as if to entreat the powers above to spare her when the lightning inevitably strikes him down?

The Bolt shot back at Bruno by saying that the judge’s remarks were “inappropriate and disrespectful,” but he had nothing but high praise for his partner Chelsie Hightower and his fellow competitors. Still, it’s unfortunate that these comments put somewhat of a dark pall on what’s supposed to be a fun and light-hearted event. That, and the weird “Boo-gate” clarification that went out of its way to show the booing in the studio on Monday was directed at the judges for Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough’s low paddle scores, and not at Sarah Palin.

Though the rest of the results hour, however, tried its best to bolster things up.

Like the high-octane jive from “Captain Charisma” Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer that was chosen as the encore performance. And Janelle Monae, who, with her hair up to there and style to spare, performed her groovilicious hit “Tightrope.” Not only did Janelle and her dancers strut some funky fresh moves on the dance floor, but she also donned a cape a la James Brown, making us all feel good.

There was the first Macy’s Stars of Dance of the season, an acrobatic spectacle performance art piece choreographed by Rich and Tone Talauega that transformed the ballroom into a fashion runway with an orchestra on the side.

The Macy’s Stars of Dance segment was on a runway. Which is like “Project Runway.” Which is hosted by Heidi Klum. Who is married to Seal. So it was only natural that Seal came on to perform next. And while he didn’t get to send that text when the cameras panned to him before that one commercial break, he surely delivered a worthy performance of “Weight of My Mistakes,” accompanied by our pros Cheryl Burke, Chelsie Hightower, Kym Johnson and Lacey Schwimmer.

The contestants talked about being competitive in one segment, but I thought the one where the pros talked about their pre-game rituals was way more interesting. Derek Hough keeps his socks in the fridge and wears two pairs on game nights: One black, and one white! Corky Ballas smells the floor! Tony and Maks throw the old pigskin around! Cheryl puts hand sanitizer under her armpits! Louis Van Amstel has to have his chocolate cake, or he doesn’t feel prepared! Mark plays the guitar! Lacey’s mom drives in from Arizona with her special chocolate chip cookies!

Favorite quote of the night, courtesy of the Situation: “I don’t know what musicality is, but I will work on that.”

Ultimately, though, it’s all fun and games until someone had to be let go. Oh Bolt. Hope you mosey off into the ballroom sunset without too many hard feelings, and will come to the point where you’re able to look at a posture bar without wincing. Maybe all it take is some time, love and tenderness.

What do you think? Did the right person go home? Should Bruno get more than a finger wag and a wrist slap for his harsh comments? Do you want Florence Henderson to make it to Week 6 so she can “lock hips” with Len?

-- Allyssa Lee

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