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'Real Housewives of New Jersey': Unknown kitchens, bidets and proverbial stuff

August 17, 2010 | 10:00 am

Guidice Need a "proverbial" recap? You’ve come to the right place. Please, though, take off any furry pom-pom headpieces; we must all be civilized as we relive Monday’s episode.

If you think Julia Roberts didn’t spend enough time in Italy during her eat-pray-love-fest, the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” were hard at work to show you more of it. If only Julia had Joe with her to explain the value of a dollar. Joe very deeply felt (as evident by his rage; he’s clearly not a man of spirituality nor a man of beauty) that they were overcharged during their one-night stay in Naples, and he unleashed a barrage of colorful terms to underline his anger -- and it all came without anyone having to bribe him with a hot dog. Maybe someone overused the bidet? (or behdette, as Teresa so astutely pronounced it.) Oh, but no more. Once they reach Joe’s hometown, all the dilly-dallying was going to stop: “We gotta go eat, and we gotta be civilized.” Sometimes that means finding a plate of pasta and eating it in an unknown kitchen.

But the eating and civilizing would have to come after the hike up a massive hill in a tiny Italian village. Just thinking of that incline had my calves shivering. And Teresa was wearing heels? Oy. All the fuss and heavy breathing seemed to be worth it. For once, there was no drama. It was all about family. Sure, Teresa may not be an encyclopedia when it comes to the country’s history ("Naples had this volcano, and it did erupt, but hundreds and hundreds of years ago, or 60 years ago … was it 60 years ago?"), but she does speak Italian and seemed to rally everyone together, introducing everyone to her family. Even disgruntled Joe got cheery around his clan. It was such a love-fest that I didn’t even giggle when Teresa talked about plans to fix up house of Joe’s father. Maybe the checks from the show really will allow her to do that. If they do, I’m happy for her.

Back in the States, Danielle demanded her daughters put away their cellphones so they could, uh, focus on her. And her therapy session began. Something about Kim G.’s betrayal (she stabbed Danielle in the "proverbial" back) and being victimized by Teresa -- you know, things her daughters are fit to offer advice on. "Yeah, they don’t really respect you," Christine said. When your mom has a friend who scares Chihuahuas, it’s all about appeasement.  Then Danielle’s session turned to her birth mother, and viewers simultaneously got a lesson in proper verbiage for gluteus maximus. "If you don’t find her, still you made an attempt, you know? It’s not like you just sat on your ass and like didn’t do anything," Christine said. Tsk, tsk. "I don’t like that kind of language Christine. …You’re too beautiful and too spiritual to speak like that."

But what would an episode be without an appearance by Danny, who is never too beautiful nor too spiritual to use curse words. He arrived for a lunch meeting and -- gasp! -- they didn’t know where to go. Guess the diner and the blueberry-banana smoothies just weren’t going to cut it. Ah, but there is always the Market Basket. A hesitant Danielle has been sacrificing her craving for paninis for fear of running into her foes. But they’re in Italy, Danny tells her. Hooray for paninis! “I couldn’t let my kids walk around here safely anymore,” she says when they arrive. We understand. No one knows what Milania is capable of what with all those tae kwon do lessons. 

Post-paninis, we watch as Danielle converses with a private investigator she hired to begin the search for her birth mother. With not much more than her "ethniticity" to help her, it’s likely to be a long search -- one that could take up to 10 years! "I’m a little bit sad about it because I’ve been looking for her for 47 years," Danielle says. But she's not giving up. She’s grabbing life by the "proverbial horns."

So Show Trackers, what did you think of Monday’s episode? Are you glad the trip is finally over? Excited for next week’s finale?

--Yvonne Villarreal

Photo: Teresa Guidic. Credit: Bravo