'Real Housewives of New Jersey': car accidents, blueberries and Chanels
What do you do when the drama surrounding Danielle Staub and her frenemie Kim G. (aka the woman who has no shame in likening Staub’s breasts to squares) just isn’t going to cut it anymore with viewers? If you’re Bravo, you send viewers on an Italian getaway via their TV screens.
But before we could start learning how to say “prostitution whore” in Italian, there were important matters in Jersey to gloss over. Joe had recently been in a car accident (and what kind of accident would it be if TMZ wasn’t there to capture it all?) and Jacqueline and her hubby Chris went over to the land of oversized front doors (aka The Giudice’s) to get the scoop … and to point out that Joe had not been drinking before the accident. It was the trees’ fault, according to the dude who bribes his daughters with hot dogs.
Joe says he yawned, shut his eyes for a second (a second) and bam! he found himself surrounded by those trees that “shouldn’t have been there.” Again, Jacqueline and Teresa reiterated -- for good measure -- that Joe had not been drinking before driving. After, though? Well, that’s another story. Joe later divulged that he had a few glasses of whiskey (coffee and water? Psh.) after the accident but before the police arrived.
Cue, naturally, a shot of Danielle and Danny at their office, er, a diner, talking about the incident. I don’t know what I found more fascinating: that Danny was more interested in his phone than Danielle or that Danielle ordered a blueberry-banana smoothie -- “I hit 47. I gotta start watching out for things … plus I have this nutritionist who says the more blueberries the better.” When Danny shared the news of Joe’s arrest, Danielle couldn’t help but stop consuming her antioxidants to offer this gem of a quote: “I’m just going to continue living in the love and light that they make fun of while their darkness rains upon them.” That needs to be embroidered on a pillow. Stat!
In a world outside the diner, Teresa and the ladies decided to take a vacation to de-stress from all the chaos in their lives. Bathing suits were out of the question for Jacqueline and Caroline.... Italy it is? And, naturally, they invited every conceivable old person and child under 7 in their lives, which resulted in a 20-person group. Yes, 20. Milania was named after Milan—so of course she’s going! Duh!
Albert, we feel your pain.
And Teresa showed us why she missed her calling as a tour guide. The “Skinny Italian” could care less if you’ve got osteoporosis. Get those legs moving! There’s a gondola to ride, old folks! And forget those tourist attractions; the only place that needs to be seen is Chanel (or Chanels, if you're Joe). They don’t have those in the States, you know! (Wait. Oh, they do.) She had no inhibitions; when on a boat, she screamed “Spank me! Spank me!” And how sweet was it of her to make Caroline and Albert -- who wanted to spend quality time together -- watch her children so she and Joe could have sex. So sweet.
More of the trip to Italy will be seen in next week's episode.
So ShowTrackers, what did you think of this week’s episode? A snoozer or a welcome, um, vacation from the drama? Were you, like Jacqueline, disappointed that Venice's gondoliers didn’t sing like those at Las Vegas’ Venetian?
Photo: From left, Caroline Manzo, Albert Manzo, Joe Guidice, Teresa Giudice. Credit: Bravo