‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Broken heels and clumps of hair

This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.

After two whole weeks -- TWO! -- the moment of unbeweavable proportions finally arrived. The moment where, in the midst of watching grown women prance around in heels screaming ‘coke whore,’ we as viewers pondered the ultimate question: Is it better to be called ‘honey,’ or a term more suitable for a female dog?

Before I could even weigh the pros and cons of both terms, extensions were being yanked and heels were being broken. When we last left off, Danielle was less than thrilled to see Jacqueline and Teresa chumming it up with Kim D. at the Posche fashion show. And Teresa, aka ‘the sweetest person,’ felt inclined to ambush Danielle in the lobby with a friendly ‘hello.’ Only the exchange got cuh-razy more than friendly. When Teresa uttered the word ‘honey,’ it triggered the cuckoo in Danielle and things went haywire. But more cutting than ‘honey’ was the word Danielle offered up: foreclosure.

As if it wasn’t awkward enough to see Teresa’s extravagant housewarming party after it was revealed that she and her husband Joe had filed for bankruptcy, things became more awkward with Teresa’s reaction to the F-word. It was as if that chinchilla she was wearing had come to life and strangled her. And she went straight into defense mode. Cue insanity, or as one unidentified attendee so eloquently put it: ‘This is ...’ (go ahead, use your expletive imagination).

Teresa -- with a attitude-filled finger wave -- reminded us that she’s from Patterson -- did you FORGET? Danielle broke a heel in her attempt to flee the scene. ‘Coke whore’ became this season’s ‘prostitution whore.’ Danielle’s leather-wearing security guard looked lost. Teresa kept shouting ‘my house is not in foreclosure.’ Someone asked Teresa to show some class. Kim G. was freaking out over how much Danielle was freaking out -- ‘CALM DOWN!’ And Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley decided to help Danielle remove her extensions for the night.

As Danielle sobbed in a Bentley, with Jacqueline standing -- creepily -- guard outside, it was time to digest it all -- that is, until I paused to process Danielle’s driver calling Teresa a gazelle. When it’s all boiled down: Danielle was -- both literally and figuratively -- the injured party in this situation. She was just minding her business, leaving the event, before Teresa provoked her. And Teresa knows she’s at fault, why else would she feel the need to get everyone’s opinion of her habit of using the term ‘honey’? It may not have been a euphemism for ‘I’m going to kill you,’ like Danielle believed it to be, but it was hardly friendly.

Perhaps if Danielle was less dramatic -- all the ‘Get me outta here!’ shouts and the sobbing was a bit much -- I would feel more inclined to be Team Danielle. But, just like the police, I wasn’t convinced.

As if the behavior of the women isn’t questionable enough, there’s also the reminder that they are mothers. How can Ashley be expected to stay out of it when Jacqueline finds her Danielle-targeted Facebook status updates laughable? The saving grace in all this came in the form of Caroline and her brother Chris. While Chris put Ashley in her place, Caroline put it all into perspective: ‘[Danielle] got exactly what she wanted ... you gave it to her!’

Enough said.

Other gems from the episode:

-- ‘Technically I didn’t grab her hair, I grabbed her extension, so that’s not really a part of her.’ — Ashley, to the police officer when asked about her role in the fight.

-- ‘I would’ve been back in jail!’ — Chihuahua-scaring Danny, on what his actions would have resulted in had he been at the scene.

-- The question the world has been asking for weeks: ‘Who’s Kim G.?’ — Joe

-- ‘All I can say is that takes a lot to take this kind of hair out, I mean these are beaded in to my real hair, that’s my real hair that you ripped out of my head with this [shows hair extension]. And it hurts like hell ... and there’s a small bald spot on the back of my head.’ — Danielle

-- Danielle has a personal trainer for her spirit. That’s not a joke.

-- ‘It’s called Danielle,’ Jacqueline’s response when Danielle’s energist suggests there’s an irritable energy that surrounds her.

-- Oh, and Albie met with his lawyer and is hoping to apply to a new law school.

So, Show Trackers, what did you think of the episode? Am I right in saying Danielle was the victim in this episode? Is Teresa really the sweetest person? Were you sad no ham was thrown around?

-- Yvonne Villarreal

RELATED:

Complete coverage of ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’