'The Bachelorette': Booze, boys and hot molten lava

Monday on "The Bachelorette"… Kasey shows Ali his tattoo! I'm so excited, but I'm so, so scared. My friend Alex suggests that he deserves his own drinking game -- a shot every time Kasey uses the words "protect" and "guard" --  but I don't think I can assault my liver so violently.

Oh, look, a shot of Ali walking pensively by the shore. I'm so glad they flew to Iceland for this. They could never have gotten that shot in the United States.

There are going to be three Iceland dates: a solo, a group and a double. The double is the one everyone's afraid of, because only one of those two guys gets a rose. Chris Harrison (who must be freezing in that outfit) says the boys have to compete for the solo date by writing a love poem -- and including an Icelandic word.

Noooo! Every time someone on "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" busts out with a poem or a song, it's so awkward that it's painful to watch. Now they're making everyone do it?

Kirk and Frank's poems are the least painful. Craig's good, too, because he's too funny to be awkward, and Chris N. is … who is Chris N.? How did that guy get here? 

Sweater shopping and sickness
Kirk wins the solo date ... and he and Ali go on a romantic trip to a sweater shop. Since all she's ever done with him is make out all over the place, maybe a not-so-steamy setting is a good call.

It gives them a chance to talk about their history, and Kirk explains to Ali that his dating history is a little bit sparse because of a two-year battle with asbestos poisoning. It sounds really bad -- he genuinely had thought he was going to die! Poor Kirk. I like him even more now. I'm such a girl.

Cave dwellers
The group date goes to Roberto, Ty, Chris L., Chris N. (who?), Craig and Frank, leaving Kasey and Justin on the double date, which means that one of them is going home. I'm so happy, I hardly even care who she actually eliminates.

The cave date is really cool because it's something Iceland-specific that they couldn't have done hanging around in New York, but it's still not my idea of a fun date. They ride funny-looking Icelandic horse-donkeys to a cave and then kind of rappel down into it to drink hot cocoa and, although it looks like a fun adventure that I wouldn't mind having with a bunch of cute boys, nobody's going to fall in love in a cave.

They might fall in love at the Blue Lagoon Hot Springs, which is their next stop. Ali is ready to party. She's already in her bikini, and once the guys put on their bathing suits -- right out in the open, whoa, hello -- it takes her about two seconds to get completely, totally drunk.

She's not a subtle drunk, either! She starts in with the baby talk and the giggling and the slurring. It's hard to watch, but we've all been there. (OK, maybe not in a giant natural hot spring in Iceland with six men, but you know what I mean.)

As of right now, Chris L. is my favorite. He's easygoing and funny, he doesn't have any man-drama with the other guys, he's not constantly angsting and staring out of windows, and unlike Frank, he doesn't have a full-on panic attack whenever Ali slips out of his peripheral vision. (Though, I do still like Frank too.)

Ty gets the rose for helping everyone out with their horses. If you ask me, he kind of ruins it when he says, "I'm glad you noticed that." The correct response would be, "Oh, that? That wasn't for your benefit at all! I am just naturally generous with my time and knowledgeable about horse-donkeys!"

Double date of doom
When the double date starts, I immediately get uncomfortable and don't want to watch. This would be awkward with two normal guys, but she's stuck in a helicopter with Rated R and a guy who probably steals locks of her hair to sniff.

Side note: I don't believe Ali was EVER scared of flying. Ever. I think she made it up for Jake and had to keep it up for a little while. There's a helicopter ride every single week, and she never breaks a sweat.

They go flying over the volcano, and -- I'm confused. Didn't this volcano ground flights all over the world? Why do they get to fly right up in its business?

The volcano does look really cool and not at all like my sixth-grade science project. Baking soda and vinegar, you failed me.

After hanging out in a cool ice cave for a while, Ali gets some one-on-one time with Kreepy Kasey, and I start holding my breath for the inevitable. "All Kasey has to do on this date is be normal," talking-head Ali says. Good luck with that. Sure enough, he finally rolls up his sleeves and probably gets frostbite on that hideous protect-and-guard-your-heart tattoo. I really lose it when he starts describing the 11 studs in the shield that represent the eleven studs vying for her heart.

Ali, to her credit, does not run away screaming. She says, "Your mom is going to kill you" and then gets ready to make her elimination.

She kicks Kasey to the curb, but honestly, she doesn't look too happy about flying away with Rated R. I think she should have left them both alone on that volcano. (Yes, Kasey got left alone … on the volcano.) He takes it pretty well, though, in that he doesn't hurl himself at her feet and cry.

Rose ceremony
I wish I had something interesting to say about this rose ceremony, but ... Chris N. went home. Who is Chris N., and how did he make it this far, and how come the only thing we know about him is that he likes Mexican food but feels guilty about it? Boring.

Next week looks awesome though, because it's revealed that one of the contestants has a girlfriend, and Ali lays the smackdown. I think it's Rated R. Who's your vote?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and don't forget to check back next week for more!

-- Carina MacKenzie
twitter.com/cadlymack

Related:
Joshua Radin headlines a very 'musical' night
Jonathan cries, Justin hobbles, and Hunter is in the friend zone
Craig M. gets what he deserves

Photo: ABC

Comments

[LAME]

Kasey is dangerous... listening to him he is one of those guys who COULD end up getting a restraining order on him is a woman leaves him.. and potentially harming someone if he gets dumped.

Scary

[V]

I was going to make the same drinking game as your friend suggested, but also felt pity on my liver... Rated R seems the most shady & just trying to "win", so I think it's him too although the guy running out looks taller. I'm already excited for next week!

[Sandra Podgurski]

I had to laugh at the rose ceremony, that Chris looked so helpless and when she talked to him, he had nothing to say. He should have seen that one coming. It is Frank with the girlfriend according to the smut magazine at the grocery store.

[Tee]

Wow, Iceland is beautiful! There is no doubt the travel opportunities of the show are fantastic. Thanks ABC for taking me there.

Although Kasey did a good job explaining the tat, it was high time for him to say goodbye. Had it been my decision, Justin would have gone home too. The only thing “Rated R” stands for in his case is, RETARDED.

Chris N had some difficulty hiding his emotions – as shown with odd facial expressions before he left. Even Ali was over the top with her fake goodbye-pout. They need to do better than that to convince me of their sincerity. I must admit though – I CRACKED UP when he said the number one thing women say about him is – that he’s a funny guy. Who knew?! LOL

I’m curious who has the girlfriend…maybe Ty or Roberto? I hope it’s not Kirk – he’s definitely my favorite.

[MN Gal]

I believe Justin is the one with the g/f that calls Ali and she confronts him.
Frank dumps Ali to go back to an ex-g/f, WTF!

I think Ali is too insecure to end up with Roberto. She thinks he's too hot for her.

I think she better take some time to figure out what she really wants and not just to "fall in love and get married".

I think Jake & Vienna were made for each other (GAG). Too bad they spilt up now.

This show puts to much pressure on getting engaged so soon.

[Sorana]

I played that drinking game and went to bed drunk.

[Tee]

Ok, now that I've read the recap, thanks Carina...I think you are right about the Justin/girlfriend thing. Who else there would be so callous? He's kind of like the "singer" from the last Bachelorette who was only there to further his career. Every reference Justin makes seems to revolve around taking somebody down - as if he's on the mat. He really is full of himself. Is anyone really sure he's not gay?

[Anna F]

The guy with the girlfriend is "Rated R". He actually has 2 girlfriends who find out about the other while he's on the show, so one of the girlfriends calls the producers to tell them what's going on. The producers then put her in contact with Ali and she tells her the whole story. So I guess he was there just to promote himself. Big surprise there! LOL

[Eve]

Interesting how there are 2 different bloggers here who claim to "know" who the guy is with the girlfriend. Obviously both are not correct. Wouldn't it be cool if those who really don't know what they're talking about could shut the hell up?

I think it comes as no surprise that Jake and Vienna split. Intellectually and socially speaking they're polar opposites. Opposites attract, but come on. Jake had a real gem with Tenley. Someday - when he grows up - he will realize he screwed up. Mother knows best Jakey. Geez, the entire family knew - including Tenley's.

[ExquisiteGypsy]

So glad that Kasey got kicked off - that guy really creeped me out, and his singing and 'guard & protect her heart' business had been getting on my nerves. Now we'll have to wait and see what's going to happen with Justin...

Just one side note - please do not call Icelandic horses 'horse-donkeys' in the future. While they are somewhat smaller in stature than your average horse, the Icelandic people are exceedingly proud of those animals that have resided there since the arrival of the Vikings, and I'm sure they wouldn't take too kindly to any donkey references!

[Tee]

Horse-Donkey, Horse-Donkey, Horse-Donkey!

Geez, lighten up Gypsy-woman.

Kasey is somebody's son, I don't see any compassion coming from you about him.

[Kerri Evert]

You've, quite captivatingly, managed to write down every thought that went through my head while watching this week's episode of "The Bachelorette". I laughed out loud quite a few times while readng it! I wonder if Ali noticed when Ty said, "I'm glad you noticed", or if she was already to far in the cups at that point. I certainly noticed and thought to myself, "what an idiot". Thanks goodness I will no longer have to hear Kasey say that he is there to "guard and protect her heart"...Personally, I think he's stalker material.
The rose ceremony was quite predictable... Did anyone really think that "what's his face?" was gonna sail through? If I was a betting woman, I would have bet the bank on that one and tripled my money.
Thanks for your clear, concise article with it's witty sense of humour! I will be back to read next week!

[Annie]

I look forward to your column about the show almost as much as I enjoy the show. It's like you penned down everything I was thinking as I was watching the show. Kasey is creepy and I think Ali was doing that kidnapped victim reverse psychology thing with him. Chris N. WHO? is right, plus he has the nerve to say she was missing out...on what/who? Speaking of out, there are other words that rhyme with it, (about, shout).
As far as Justin goes, one, he's probably got more than one gf, and two, he is another Wesley, in it to advance his wrestling "career".

I have a feeling it will be Chris L, Frank & Roberto at the end. And as quiet as Roberto seems, I think there's a story there too!