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'The Bachelorette': Ali meets 24 potential husbands and a guy named Rated R

May 25, 2010 |  6:37 am
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Every season of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" begins the same way: with pensive stares. Monday night's "Bachelorette" premiere didn't break tradition at all. It kicked off with several shots of Ali Fedotowsky pining for true love in various outfits. Pining a yellow dress while she frolicked in the waves. Pining in jeans while she stared out at the waves. Pining in a bikini top while she walked along the waves.

You get the picture. I have to say, I'm kind of missing the cheesy theme song. Where's Ali's version of "On the Wings of Love," hmm, Chris Harrison?

Because I'm a girl and I have eyes, I can't let this recap go any further without remarking on Ali's hair. Did she steal Vienna's weave on the last season of "The Bachelor"? I'm so disappointed. Her hair was so shiny and cute. I wanted to cut her head out of a magazine and bring it to my stylist. Now it's straw-yellow and fuzzy-looking, and I can see where the extensions attach at the back of her head. Ugh.

The first few episodes of "The Bachelorette" are bound to be a bit of a blur, because there are just so many guys hanging around trying to impress her. On Monday night, we focused on meeting the men, not going on dates, so instead of a normal play-by-play, let's go through the guys and discuss who made the cut.


First, we'll talk about the notable men:

Frank: He's got that Seth Cohen cute-geek thing going on, and it works for him. That said, he's definitely trying really hard. Climbing out through the sunroof of the limo? Declaring "We're getting married!" in his intro video? This one may be coming on a little strong. Still, we found him endearing, if a little bit overwhelming. Also, he lives with his parents ... while he chases his dream of being a screenwriter. Maybe it's the L.A. cynic in me, but I think this dude needs a real job and a reality check. Rose status: YES.

Jay: He's a lawyer from a whole family of lawyers, and he says "the family that sues together stays together." I definitely hate him already. Luckily ... Ali doesn't dig him either. Rose status: NO.

Phil: I love Phil! He discusses the tragic death of his 22-year-old brother and how it inspired him to ... do a reality TV show. OK, maybe it's cheesy, but he's really good-looking, so I forgive him. He kind of looks like Jake Pavelka, minus the spray-tan and the nervous laughter. Unfortunately, he fails to make an impression on Ali. (Really, Ali?) Rose status: NO.

Craig M: Remember that striped chewing gum from when you were a kid? It had all these colored zebra-stripes, and you could use the wrapper as a temporary tattoo? This guy was wearing that gum as a tie. He also had a hot-pink pocket square and his hair added four inches to his height. Hopefully this guy won't last long, because he gives me the uh-oh feeling. Rose status: YES.

Kyle: When a guy's occupation is listed as "outdoorsman," alarm bells should ring. This man's house in Colorado is full of things he's killed. He goes ice fishing for fun. We're not sure he's entirely evolved, but he definitely has the hunting-and-gathering thing down. It's like they stuck the GEICO caveman in a goldenrod shirt and a salmon tie. Rose status: NO.

Rated R: Rated R's real name is Justin, but we're definitely going to refer to him only as Rated R from here on out. Rated R is a professional "entertainment wrestler," and the closest thing to a guido you can find in Toronto. He fake-wrestles, but he's got a real broken ankle. The rest of the guys hate him. They call him "Rated Bad" and "Rated Dishonest" because they're Rated Original. Rose status: YES.

Chris L: Chris is a New York City math teacher who moved back to Cape Cod to take care of his mother in the last year and a half of her life. He still lives on the Cape with his dad, and this is one case in which we can forgive a guy for living with the parents. He's just so hot. And he has dogs. And he lives on the Cape! We also liked that he avoided discussing his mother's death on his first date with Ali. The sob story can wait until Episode 2. Rose status: YES.

Kirk: Kirk is a sales consultant from Wisconsin. He's also the first guy who whips out an inappropriate gift. (There's always that one person. On "The Bachelor," it was the girl with the letter about her no-kissing rule.) His is a scrapbook with photos of himself and his family. Dude, she doesn't even know you yet. Why do you think she wants a picture of your mom? Rose status: YES.

Hunter: Hunter is a short guy who makes up for his lack of height with ... ukulele skills. Oh, dear. It doesn't help that his first meeting with Ali involved him darting inside to pee. Rose status: YES.

Shooter: We think this guy's real name is Derrick, but we're going to stick with Shooter. That's a nickname given to him in college for, uh ... being a little premature. This is a story he shared with Ali on their first date. Hint to men everywhere: Don't do that. Rose status: NO.

Jonathan: Jonathan is a weatherman. Or a weather boy. He looks 12-years-old, and he talks way too much. He had to get dating advice from Craig M. after they sat with Ali, and when you're getting advice from a guy whose tie is made of gum, you have a problem. Rose status: YES. (The producers must have made her do this. There's no way Ali would ever see herself with this guy.)

Craig R: Craig is a lawyer from Philadelphia. We don't know much about him yet, but he reminds me of Toby Flenderson from "The Office." I always liked Toby ... but I wouldn't want to make out with him in a hot tub. Rose status: YES.

Kasey: While we watched, my friends and I couldn't help but comment when Kasey started talking about how he planned to guard Ali's heart, and for once, our comments weren't about the drivel he was actually saying, but about how he was saying it. "He needs to clear his throat!" "He sounds like a Muppet!" "He forgot to take out his retainer!" He followed that up with an over-share about his parents' divorce, and judging from the preview of the rest of the season, he's about three roses away from going totally restraining-order bananas. I can't wait. Rose status: YES

Roberto: Ooh. First date and he's already whispering sweet nothings in Spanish and teaching her to salsa dance. This guy is good ... or at least, he was, until he used the term "supa-fly" to describe Ali. Rose status: YES, with the first impression rose!

Jesse: OK, Jesse's super cute. He's really close with his older sister, and he brought Ali a heart necklace that he made with a jigsaw. But he's only 24. Are we sure he didn't find that jigsaw in his fourth-period shop class? Rose status: YES.

Ty: During his intro video, Ty appeared with an adorable dog. Then he whipped out his guitar. If he coaches a Little League team of underprivileged kids, he's just hit the girl-magnet trifecta. Of course, he's divorced, which means he's got some serious baggage. Rose status: YES.

And now, the less notable. In addition to the winners listed above, Ali gave a rose to Tyler V, Steven, Chris N, Chris H, and John C. There were also a host of extremely boring guys that got sent home, but I'll spare you the random names.

This season's theme is "Around the World." ABC is forking over the big bucks to send Ali and her bachelors on a trip that circles the globe so that they can all fall in love with her in the most exotic locations in the world. (That way, the reality check when they get back to San Francisco and she has to  beg to get her Facebook job back will be even more of a culture shock.)

Judging from the preview, the season is going to be quite a thrill ride. Someone's got a girlfriend at home (as usual), someone leaves at a crucial time (as usual), and someone tries to kill himself (uh... that's new).

We can't wait. What are your thoughts so far? Who is your pick for winner? I'm going to go with Chris L as my initial favorite, but that will probably change week-to-week. Let's get a discussion going in the comments. Let me know who you want to see go home next week.

-- Carina MacKenzie
twitter.com/cadlymack

Photo: Ali flirts with her admirers. Credit: ABC
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