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'The Bachelorette': Ali meets 24 potential husbands and a guy named Rated R

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Every season of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" begins the same way: with pensive stares. Monday night's "Bachelorette" premiere didn't break tradition at all. It kicked off with several shots of Ali Fedotowsky pining for true love in various outfits. Pining a yellow dress while she frolicked in the waves. Pining in jeans while she stared out at the waves. Pining in a bikini top while she walked along the waves.

You get the picture. I have to say, I'm kind of missing the cheesy theme song. Where's Ali's version of "On the Wings of Love," hmm, Chris Harrison?

Because I'm a girl and I have eyes, I can't let this recap go any further without remarking on Ali's hair. Did she steal Vienna's weave on the last season of "The Bachelor"? I'm so disappointed. Her hair was so shiny and cute. I wanted to cut her head out of a magazine and bring it to my stylist. Now it's straw-yellow and fuzzy-looking, and I can see where the extensions attach at the back of her head. Ugh.

The first few episodes of "The Bachelorette" are bound to be a bit of a blur, because there are just so many guys hanging around trying to impress her. On Monday night, we focused on meeting the men, not going on dates, so instead of a normal play-by-play, let's go through the guys and discuss who made the cut.


First, we'll talk about the notable men:

Frank: He's got that Seth Cohen cute-geek thing going on, and it works for him. That said, he's definitely trying really hard. Climbing out through the sunroof of the limo? Declaring "We're getting married!" in his intro video? This one may be coming on a little strong. Still, we found him endearing, if a little bit overwhelming. Also, he lives with his parents ... while he chases his dream of being a screenwriter. Maybe it's the L.A. cynic in me, but I think this dude needs a real job and a reality check. Rose status: YES.

Jay: He's a lawyer from a whole family of lawyers, and he says "the family that sues together stays together." I definitely hate him already. Luckily ... Ali doesn't dig him either. Rose status: NO.

Phil: I love Phil! He discusses the tragic death of his 22-year-old brother and how it inspired him to ... do a reality TV show. OK, maybe it's cheesy, but he's really good-looking, so I forgive him. He kind of looks like Jake Pavelka, minus the spray-tan and the nervous laughter. Unfortunately, he fails to make an impression on Ali. (Really, Ali?) Rose status: NO.

Craig M: Remember that striped chewing gum from when you were a kid? It had all these colored zebra-stripes, and you could use the wrapper as a temporary tattoo? This guy was wearing that gum as a tie. He also had a hot-pink pocket square and his hair added four inches to his height. Hopefully this guy won't last long, because he gives me the uh-oh feeling. Rose status: YES.

Kyle: When a guy's occupation is listed as "outdoorsman," alarm bells should ring. This man's house in Colorado is full of things he's killed. He goes ice fishing for fun. We're not sure he's entirely evolved, but he definitely has the hunting-and-gathering thing down. It's like they stuck the GEICO caveman in a goldenrod shirt and a salmon tie. Rose status: NO.

Rated R: Rated R's real name is Justin, but we're definitely going to refer to him only as Rated R from here on out. Rated R is a professional "entertainment wrestler," and the closest thing to a guido you can find in Toronto. He fake-wrestles, but he's got a real broken ankle. The rest of the guys hate him. They call him "Rated Bad" and "Rated Dishonest" because they're Rated Original. Rose status: YES.

Chris L: Chris is a New York City math teacher who moved back to Cape Cod to take care of his mother in the last year and a half of her life. He still lives on the Cape with his dad, and this is one case in which we can forgive a guy for living with the parents. He's just so hot. And he has dogs. And he lives on the Cape! We also liked that he avoided discussing his mother's death on his first date with Ali. The sob story can wait until Episode 2. Rose status: YES.

Kirk: Kirk is a sales consultant from Wisconsin. He's also the first guy who whips out an inappropriate gift. (There's always that one person. On "The Bachelor," it was the girl with the letter about her no-kissing rule.) His is a scrapbook with photos of himself and his family. Dude, she doesn't even know you yet. Why do you think she wants a picture of your mom? Rose status: YES.

Hunter: Hunter is a short guy who makes up for his lack of height with ... ukulele skills. Oh, dear. It doesn't help that his first meeting with Ali involved him darting inside to pee. Rose status: YES.

Shooter: We think this guy's real name is Derrick, but we're going to stick with Shooter. That's a nickname given to him in college for, uh ... being a little premature. This is a story he shared with Ali on their first date. Hint to men everywhere: Don't do that. Rose status: NO.

Jonathan: Jonathan is a weatherman. Or a weather boy. He looks 12-years-old, and he talks way too much. He had to get dating advice from Craig M. after they sat with Ali, and when you're getting advice from a guy whose tie is made of gum, you have a problem. Rose status: YES. (The producers must have made her do this. There's no way Ali would ever see herself with this guy.)

Craig R: Craig is a lawyer from Philadelphia. We don't know much about him yet, but he reminds me of Toby Flenderson from "The Office." I always liked Toby ... but I wouldn't want to make out with him in a hot tub. Rose status: YES.

Kasey: While we watched, my friends and I couldn't help but comment when Kasey started talking about how he planned to guard Ali's heart, and for once, our comments weren't about the drivel he was actually saying, but about how he was saying it. "He needs to clear his throat!" "He sounds like a Muppet!" "He forgot to take out his retainer!" He followed that up with an over-share about his parents' divorce, and judging from the preview of the rest of the season, he's about three roses away from going totally restraining-order bananas. I can't wait. Rose status: YES

Roberto: Ooh. First date and he's already whispering sweet nothings in Spanish and teaching her to salsa dance. This guy is good ... or at least, he was, until he used the term "supa-fly" to describe Ali. Rose status: YES, with the first impression rose!

Jesse: OK, Jesse's super cute. He's really close with his older sister, and he brought Ali a heart necklace that he made with a jigsaw. But he's only 24. Are we sure he didn't find that jigsaw in his fourth-period shop class? Rose status: YES.

Ty: During his intro video, Ty appeared with an adorable dog. Then he whipped out his guitar. If he coaches a Little League team of underprivileged kids, he's just hit the girl-magnet trifecta. Of course, he's divorced, which means he's got some serious baggage. Rose status: YES.

And now, the less notable. In addition to the winners listed above, Ali gave a rose to Tyler V, Steven, Chris N, Chris H, and John C. There were also a host of extremely boring guys that got sent home, but I'll spare you the random names.

This season's theme is "Around the World." ABC is forking over the big bucks to send Ali and her bachelors on a trip that circles the globe so that they can all fall in love with her in the most exotic locations in the world. (That way, the reality check when they get back to San Francisco and she has to  beg to get her Facebook job back will be even more of a culture shock.)

Judging from the preview, the season is going to be quite a thrill ride. Someone's got a girlfriend at home (as usual), someone leaves at a crucial time (as usual), and someone tries to kill himself (uh... that's new).

We can't wait. What are your thoughts so far? Who is your pick for winner? I'm going to go with Chris L as my initial favorite, but that will probably change week-to-week. Let's get a discussion going in the comments. Let me know who you want to see go home next week.

-- Carina MacKenzie
twitter.com/cadlymack

Photo: Ali flirts with her admirers. Credit: ABC
 
Comments () | Archives (42)

I went to high school with Phil. His little brother was super cool, we used to hang out a lot a few years ago. Was a shame.

Phil himself has always been a douche though.

I love this show! And yes- I looove Chris L! What a hunk, and so sweet. Roberto and Jesse are winners, too. Jonathan and Craig M? Nah. Pathetic, insecure, too talkative, short, too much hair product... All bad qualities.
I love Ali :)

I agree about Phil! So sad she didn't pick him... Can someone demand to return to the show after the first night, like Ali tried with Jake? He should come back next week! Thumbs up for Chris L as the favorite (as of today).

I really like Chris L. I believe he is perfect for her. However, I was so excited when she picked Kasey. Please don't make fun of him. As a speech language pathologist, I'm fairly sure he has a hearing impairment. His voice quality pretty much gives him away. It broke my heart to see the previews that trashed him for the rest of the season.

Great recap...Chris L is my winner pick as well. LOL @ your comment about Craig R and Toby from the office. I couldn't explain what was "familiar" about his face, but you nailed it. He's leading the gang against rated R. The votebox is always a dumb idea...guys are going to put who they feel is the biggest competition instead of who they think "isnt right" for Ali.

You forgot Frank from Chicago with the glasses! I like Frank :)

The first guy you described is Frank, not Jason. Jason was eliminated.

Thanks for the great recap! My favorite was Frank (who I think you mistakenly referred to as Jason...) because he is funny and charismatic. It would be interesting to see if he is as cute without the glasses, though. He pulls them off so nicely I would have to insit he keep them on at ALL times.

I think that Roberto is Ali's favorite so far. She was intially extremely attracted to him and he seems like a well-rounded, nice guy.

I completely agree with you on Phil! I want to move to Chicago and pick up the pieces of his poor, broken heart. And Chris L. is definitely a catch. Plus, they have the Massachusetts connection, and he could have totally manipulated her into giving him a rose with the story about his Mom, but chose to let her decide for herself without all that information.

It definitely promises to be a great season!

I dont think any of the guys are really that cute. Theres like 2 that are decent looking. They do seem a little weird though! I guess they got the right group for ali!

I agree, like Chris L. so far.

Weatherboy is gay. I know a couple dudes he's hooked up with here in Houston.

I'm not overly excited about any of these guys, but if it were up to me, i'd give the final rose to the guy who could go through the entire season without using the word "amazing!"

My faves are Roberto, Chris L., Jesse, & Ty.(in that order)
The rest of the guys are just plain wierd and/or scary. So this is the best from a selection committee? Yikes! The pickins' ARE slim. Nary a doctor, scientist, or brianiac in the herd...Yep, you are right. Ali's hair looks very fake; she needs to go back to her real hair. She also needs to take a valium (or any mucle relaxer). She comes off acting like a girl going to her first girl/boy dance.
I was surprised when she dropped the expletives on air. Also, whoever was her stylist for her dress should be fired. I watched her as she tugged at the straps about 50 times (I would have either fixed it or chucked it by the 3rd adjustment).

We're just not going to talk about Kermit, I mean Kirk's muppet voice?

No one tries to kill themselves...he gets a tattoo on his wrist to show his devotion to Ali and it's wrapped in a bandage.

I agree about Phil!!! Why in the world did she not pick him? How do we nominate him for the next bachelor?

"Judging from the preview, the season is going to be quite a thrill ride." -- do you mean to say judging from Reality Steve's preview? Where we know who goes home every week and who the final two are? And we get the REAL story behind these 'scandals' (like Frank's and Justin's)? That preview? Steve has given us the juice and later this week he'll give us the winner....stay tuned.

"The rest of the guys are just plain wierd and/or scary. So this is the best from a selection committee? " - don't be naive. Each of these fame-whore wannabes fit a select niche. From Justin R. to Wes, er, Ty...

I thought Kasey was deaf.

Lots of nerves dictating the conversations...they were all very entertaining.
I hope she finds a love connection. She has a great bunch of men to choose from.

Anyone with a trained ear can tell Kasey most likely has a hearing impediment. I can't believe people are so immature to make fun of him. What is this grade school??? Geez, get a life people.

And obviously Justin was targeted because Ali hand selected him to accompany her outside. Duh. That was lame. The producers should incorporate that later into the game.

I felt bad for Derrick. Maybe he should save the explanation for his nickname until AFTER he gets a rose. Yikes.

I have no favorite yet.

My thoughts exactly about Ali's hair - what's going on here?

Did the producers at The Bachelorette see her in that looong black dress & think "YES. That's the dress but it's missing something." Since the dress is so long, let's try long, long hair?

The hair was a distraction all night.

In the previews shown at the end of last season, they showed Ali playing dress-up in a room full of beautiful dresses. What happened to all the pretty dresses?

 
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