‘Real Housewives of New York City’: The Shutter Island of the Virgin Islands

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Someone call the doctor cause Kelly has lost her mind.

What was I thinking? All this time I thought I was being helpful to Kelly by trying to find her missing pants. Now I realize I was just ignoring the problem. The search and rescue effort should have gone to finding her sanity. It’s hard to say when it went missing. Maybe around the time she wore those pink rain boots last season? Unfortunately, at this point, I couldn’t even give a description of it so people could keep a lookout. Just know that it will probably say “hiiiieeee” once it’s found.

Now, on to the show.

We’re reminded that Ramona’s way of dealing with stress is by sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio or putting on a bathing suit, and we learn that Kelly’s coping mechanism is uttering random phrases like hmm, I don’t know, “satchels of gold.” Seriously. I tried to process it. Tried to do as Kelly preaches and make lemons into lemonade. To see how those three words could possibly apply to the scene in which Kelly (aka “rottweiler”) and Bethenny are bickering. Wasted energy.
But Ramona, still riding high on her Pinot Grigio buzz, got everyone back on their feet when she unveiled their next stop on their trip, which was some lavish beachside property...or the Shutter Island of the Virgin Islands.

All it took was one bag of goodies to drive Kelly off her rocker. Bethenny gave the gals a SkinnyGirl bag bulging with “Bethenny-centric” products -- a little narcissistic, yes, but it didn’t rub me the wrong way in the same way it did Kelly. She looked cross-eyed while looking at the bag. And then started crying? Naturally, she calls Jill to complain about the trip and mumbled something about Bethenny stabbing her in a recurring nightmare. Jill’s solution? “Just be the lady that you are.” Uh … It gets worse. Kelly ends her phone conversation with Jill by saying she’s going to go smile.

The next morning, Kelly and her complaint pad made their morning entrance. It seems Kelly wants the girls to write down their thoughts, crumple them up and read them later. Again, it gets worse. She also -- wait for it -- thinks she’s Annie Leibovitz. Suddenly inspired by her brief stint taking pictures on the street for that magazine article, Kelly suddenly thinks she’s a photographer. How can she, a person who doesn’t know how to operate a point-and-shoot camera, be a photographer and Bethenny can’t be a chef? Whatever. Kelly channels her inner Tyra Banks and takes the ladies -- sans Bethenny -- out on the beach for a photo shoot. It was all too weird. Between Ramona’s teeny-weeny bikini, Alex’s it-looks-like-she’s-in-pain walk and the lollipops sprinkled atop the blanket, I was so confused. As usual.

Later that evening, Bethenny tries to prove her chef-ness by making everyone dinner. Kelly’s already a bit nutty after Ramona and the gang make a big issue about her cellphone manners, so when it comes time to eat, she’s already on edge. She doesn’t want to sit across from Bethenny. She doesn’t eat the crab cake on her plate. But she did enjoy the salad portion of the meal. Hey, she even thinks Bethenny could have a future being Paul Newman. Oy.

Then chaos ensued.

There was white noise. Talk of the Brooklyn Bridge. A few “zip it” moments. Some mumbling about “This is free to be you and me, 1979.” Mention of vomit. Black eye makeup. The devil. Hookers. Al Sharpton. Gwyneth Paltrow. Jelly beans and lollipops.

It was a mishmash of craziness. Through it all, Ramona was cradling her glass of Pinot Grigio.

Back in Manhattan, Jill tells LuAnn over dinner that she’s thinking of surprising Ramona on the trip as a way to make a mends with her and Bethenny. Translation: she’s getting tired of being Siamese twins with LuAnn.

But the moment of the night goes to the cranky, off-camera skating coach. As Michelle Kwan, er, Jill Zarin, attempted to twirl on ice, the coach had this to say: “I swear I never saw such ... in my life.”

Neither have I, sir. Neither have I.

So Show Trackers, what did you think of Thursday’s episode? What were your thoughts of Kelly in this episode? Anyone else think Sonja is a welcome addition to the group?

-- Yvonne Villarreal