‘Real Housewives of New York City’: Cold as ice

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Forget “Sex and the City 2” and that lavish trip to Abu Dhabi. The gals of “The Real Housewives of New York City” don’t need all the bells and whistles -- or should I say camels and sand? -- to have a crazily entertaining (heavy on the crazy) trip.

We return to the scene of Kelly’s questionable outburst last week. The place where jellybeans and lollipops mingle with Pinot Grigio and undercooked meat: St. John. Only Kelly is no longer there to talk Al Sharpton and all the wonder that came out of the year 1979. Why? She escaped the Poison Island, as she referred to it, to take care of her daughters. Somewhere there’s a pancake burning.

Ramona and company didn’t mourn the loss. Instead, they had a mani-pedi fest. But before the dead skin on their heels could even be removed, in walks Jill. She wanted it to be a surprise, and it was, judging from the look on Alex’s face. I finally understand what Kelly was talking about last week when she said Alex was like a vampire. The chick discombobulated at the sight of Jill. Or maybe she was just reenacting her odd beach photo shoot from last week? Not to mention bikini-clad Ramona’s reaction. I thought she might change her bikini right then and there out of nervousness. The look of shock on her face was aided by weird hand motions — like her hands went into their reflex mode and were searching for a wine glass to grip. But there was nothing there. So instead, she cupped her breast? Alex began crying. Ramona, finally finding something other than her female parts to hold, rushed over to comfort her. Meanwhile, Bethenny and Sonja were getting the second coat of polish on their nails, undisturbed by it all. Jill? Well, Jill eventually left on her private jet with Bobby. How could she think they’d be excited to see her?

With the “elephant in the room” finally gone, the gals returned to their last night of relaxation. Over dinner, we learn Bethenny strips down to her sneakers in her living room to check how her belly bump is maturing. Cue Ramona gagging … because a morsel of food went down the wrong pipe, of course. We also learn that Sonja likes to give the Heimlich maneuver. And she hopes to own a heart defibrillator one day. Can someone give this woman her own show? Please! Seriously. This is not the kind of stuff Carrie and her stiletto posse talk about over cosmos. I’m just sayin’. In between talk of lifesaving devices, penis size is, naturally, next on the list. Oh, and then a bridal shower for Ramona and Bethenny, who both receive pearl handcuffs and bedazzled hand ties.

Back in Manhattan are Kelly, LuAnn, Jill and what’s-her-name (no, really, what’s her name? She’s like Waldo. She pops up out of nowhere at the most random times). It doesn’t matter. She’s not relevant to this recap. In any case, Kelly gives her side of the story on her psychotic outburst. Jellybeans are again given a shout-out (Her obsession with this candy is enough to warrant therapy.) She mentions how Bethenny admitted she had a smear campaign out against her. Um, I don’t remember that part. The whole cook-chef debacle was brought up—verdict: everyone but Kelly’s friends have hired Bethenny as a chef.

Later, Jill’s skating party finally arrives. Before twirling on the ice, Jill calls Bethenny to set up a lunch date. But we’ll have to wait until next week for that awkward interaction.

Until then, here are some of this episode’s best lines (feel free to share your own in the comments section):

“You could hear it like … ugh … like a horn”

-- Bethenny, on Jill’s drawn out “Hi” that announced her arrival at the St. John’s estate.

“I was floored. I couldn’t imagine that someone who poo-poohed this trip would suddenly show up”

-- Alex, on her reaction to Jill’s surprise visit. “Poo-poohed”? Really? She and Francois really need to spend some time apart. “It was as if someone died when they saw me”

-- Jill on being the elephant in the room. “Who uses the word hobag these days?”

-- LuAnn on Kelly’s word choice. No one, dahling. No one. Maybe it’s a relic of, hmm, I don’t know, 1979. “I think you’re allergic to alcohol”

-- Ramona’s take on what cause Kelly’s outburst while on vacation. So ShowTrackers, what did you think of this week’s episode? Should the girls have been more welcoming to Jill? Could the jellybeans be the source of Kelly’s meltdown?

--Yvonne Villarreal