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'Real Housewives of New Jersey': Hamming it up

May 11, 2010 |  9:35 am

Danielle_staub In this week’s episode, we learn that Danielle doesn’t have the time to clean the 21 rooms in her home (guess sunbathing is a full-time job) and slices of ham have great sticking power.

We start with Danielle meeting with her real estate agent (FYI: that dress is BCBG, not Pucci).  Seems Danielle’s palatial Franklin Lakes mansion is buckling at its seams -- a metaphor, perhaps, for her sanity? Hey, it wouldn’t be the first time Bravo laced us with a hidden message. You remember Jill and her canine’s excrement problem.

After a glimpse of her darling bathroom and an unnecessary shot of her bidet, things manage to get more awkward when Danielle sees the opportunity to use her Realtor as a therapist: complaining about her ex and the deteriorating house she can’t afford to keep up: “It’s a day-to-day struggle.” Right.

Things can only get more bizarre. 

Over lunch, Teresa shares with Caroline and Jacqueline a little too much information about her sex life. With a baby on board, she’s got a big derriere — an asset her husband seems to enjoy. And with the enhancement of her “bubbies,” he’s in the mood for love more than she cares to offer it. Oh, and there was also talk about “puffy” nether regions. All in all, perfect lunchtime conversation. 

So it was only fitting that Danielle would also become a topic of conversation. Nothing's changed. Teresa is still suspicious of her. Jacqueline is still on the fence. Caroline is still the weirding me out with her mafia-like stance: "She will never win. She will never win against us. Never.” Yikes.

Not the kind of threat (promise?) you thought you'd hear from a mother whose children have devised a game involving deli meat. Ah, the ham game. Who knew slices of ham could be such a force to reckon with? How funny was it when Chris told Caroline the solution was simple: buy nice ham for the food and cheap ham for the game? Caroline, though, like her stance with Danielle, is firm on her hatred of the ham game: “There’s nothing good about the ham game; there’s nothing funny about the ham game; there’s nothing responsible about the ham game.”

But it’s not all ham and games.  There’s a modeling duel as well. Danielle’s daughter has been scouted by modeling agents at IMG and they want to do a photo shoot. All Danielle is seeing is dollar signs. She’s ecstatic and already imagining all the fun times they’ll have together as Christine travels the world. Uh? And she’s not stopping there. “You’re next!” she says to Jillian. “We’ll get another big house eventually.”

And the photographer hired to shoot Christine? Well, it’s none other than renowned fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon, who happens to be the ex-husband of NYC housewife Kelly. It isn’t long before Danielle finds a way to insert herself in the shoot. With Christine landing on the cover of a magazine, Danielle plans a luncheon in her honor … but neither Christine nor her friends are invited. Aw, so sweet. 

Meanwhile, Teresa’s daughter, Gia, also scored a modeling gig to walk the runway during fashion week. But Danielle isn’t too sure about Gia’s modeling potential. “She’s short.” Uh, she’s also 8.

So Show Trackers, what did you think of the episode? Has the ham game invaded your kitchen yet?  Were you cringing while Teresa shared details about her sex life? Or was all the cringing used up when you saw Danielle trying to steal Christine’s thunder at the photo shoot?

--Yvonne Villarreal

Photo: Danielle Staub. Credit: Bravo