'Real Housewives of New Jersey': It's child's play for chucky
Between the nearly psychotic outburst by NYC Housewife Kelly last week and the questionable request for "back-up" by NJ-er Danielle this week, I'm starting to question how future generations will perceive housewives when they discover these episodes in archaeological digs. It will surely baffle their minds. Decades -- and millions of dollars -- will be spent trying to decipher the etymology of this "chucky" business.
Until then, let the guilty pleasure continue.
Teresa’s burgeoning belly has swelled beyond capacity — seriously, how she managed to find a tube top that had enough stretching power to withstand that stress warrants some applause — and she’s feeling a lot of pressure in her “chucky.” So, naturally, it’s finally time to pop out another diva-in-the-making. Only, no one is really concerned about, uh, getting Teresa to the hospital. Her shirtless, beefy husband Joe (the dudes on “Jersey Shore” aspire to be that gorilla-ish) found time to make himself a cup of coffee. Teresa ignored the “chucky” pressure long enough to chat on the phone (thanks for enlightening us about your bowel movements), check a few e-mails and make French toast. You’d think after all that, they’d be on their way. Nah. She still has to pack her makeup case and jewelry. That’s not even the part that concerns me. I’m more worried about the fact that she thinks a man really gave birth.
Once at the hospital, it didn’t get any better. In between her impersonations of Fran Drescher -- at least that’s what came to mind with all her cries of pain -- and her epidural shot, Teresa managed to play telephone. She was fielding calls left and right, cellphone in one ear, hospital phone in another. When it finally came time to push, I was just thankful Bravo didn’t include the footage. I would have pulled a Danielle and thrown up a little bit in my mouth. Instead, we were shown a shot of the door and wall as Teresa gave her one-and-a-half push and another baby girl emerged from her newly shaved Chuckarella. To be honest, at one point, I couldn’t distinguish Teresa’s screams and the baby’s crying.
Meanwhile, Caroline’s son continues his quest to be the kingpin of the carwash/gentleman’s club hybrid. I still don’t fully comprehend how that even became a life goal. Who wakes up one day and thinks naked chicks and shiny cars? Wait, I’m answering my own question. In any case, Christopher is given a chance to prove just how natural the combination is when he takes on the challenge of boosting business for a car wash on a Wednesday -- who knew that was the slowest day in the car washing business? There are no strippers, but he does manage to get a bevy of gals in skimpy outfits to assist him. I didn’t see too much of their waxing and washing abilities, but I don’t doubt their skills in tying their shirts above their naval and rubbing floor mats on their rear ends. The owner of the car wash was definitely stunned, but it was more a look of “This is awesome! Why didn’t I think of this?” than “What the hell is all this?”
We go from a mogul in the making to a mob boss in the making? Danielle, who apparently has her car loaded with copies of her daughter’s cover girl spread, has been asked by a diner owner to attend a benefit, which will be held at the venue operated by Caroline’s family, for an ailing girl. I was very confused by it all. In any case, Danielle is going but not without getting herself some protection in the form of -- ex-felons? Meet Danny. He apparently knows a “lot of people.” I wasn’t sure if they were reenacting a scene from “The Sopranos” or something. It didn’t help that Danielle said, “When Danny takes my back, people better be listening. Danny can speak without words.” Actually, I’m not even sure Danny can speak with words. Also, um, how is this supposed to get her back on good terms with the ladies? Wonder what Zen Jen has to say about all this.
My favorite sound bites from the episode are courtesy of son-less Joe:
-- With Teresa clearly about to pop, a half-asleep Joe asks her “Were you wanna go?” Oh, Joe. Take her to that place where they deliver all the babies.
-- When it’s time for Teresa to push, Joe says the right words every about-to-give-birth wife longs to hear: “I hope I don’t throw up that hamburger.”
So ShowTrackers, what did you think of Monday’s episode? Is Chris on to something with this car wash/gentleman’s club hybrid? Were you, like me, slightly ashamed you knew the answer to this week’s Bravo text trivia game? FYI for the uninitiated, Grandma Wrinkles is the name of Dina’s hairless cat.
-- Yvonne Villarreal
Photo: Joe, Teresa and baby Audiana. Credit: Bravo