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'The Biggest Loser:' Getting your just desserts

March 24, 2010 | 10:08 am

Lance Lance, I know you're just a simple, good-hearted, salt-of-the-earth country boy. So you might need help connecting the dots. You said you gained a bunch of weight after you got married. Your wife is constantly haranguing you about your weight. And this week, she had a gleam in her eye and a squeal to her voice as she coaxed you to eat 1,700 calories -- in cupcakes.

Well, I can't spell it out anymore clearly than that, Lance.

But first, let's start at the beginning. The players went home for the week. There were tears, so many tears, and sweet reunions. And a challenge. Players had to repeat their first challenge at the ranch -- riding 26.2 miles on a stationary bike -- but all on their lonesome. The twist? A temptation challenge: Competitors could chow down on 100-calorie cupcakes in exchange for adding five minutes to their competitors' time.

Who bit? Disappointingly, Lance, Andrea and Mike. When will these people learn? Lance chowed down a whopping 1,700 calories, all at the urging of Melissa. Really? How does this square with the woman who took every opportunity to tell us that Lance's weight was an issue in their marriage. (What a double standard. We would skewer a man who kept complaining, publicly, about his wife's weight.) If that's true, Melissa, why are urging him to stuff his face? Even if it helps in the immediate competition, it doesn't help at the weigh-in. You're scrambling for $10,000 and throwing away a shot at $250,000. Geez, lady! (I do not wish ill on any of the contestants, I hope they lose the weight and keep it off forever. With that caveat out of the way, I am already looking forward to the Lance and Melissa segment of the "Biggest Loser / Where Are They Now" show two years into the future.)

Why couldn't Lance take a page from our curly-topped Daris: "I've done it the right way so far, I'm not about to change it now," Daris said, shunning the cupcake. (Was it just me, or were you also wondering about the blank expression on his mother's face at that very moment. Was she jonesing for one of those cupcakes? Proud of her son? Or wondering whether she forgot to put the wash in the dryer?) Speaking of Daris -- he's dating. A monumental step for the young man who'd never had a date before. Yay, Daris!

The bike challenge results were as you might expect. Sam, Koli and Lance finished in that order, and Sunshine came in fourth, which is quite the accomplishment: Sunshine and her dad were kicked off the ranch on the first day because they didn't finish in time -- and that was with the two of them trying to bike a combined 26.2 miles. When the cupcake time was calculated in, Koli took home the $10,000.

At the weigh-in, the black team managed to pull victory from the jaws of all-but-certain defeat. The blue team found itself in the elimination room once again. And that's how Lance got his just desserts.

Instead of focusing on his workouts, he used the cupcake challenge to stuff his face with sugar. He didn't really get to the gym while he was home because he lives out in the country, no gyms nearby, so he and Melissa ran and used their home gym equipment.

I'm disappointed that no one -- neither Bob, nor Ali, not any of Lance's teammates -- asked Lance whether he regretted his 1,700 calorie binge. (The reality is, if he lost more weight he might have been safe.)

Well Lance, I hope Melissa gave you a big hug and a "thank you" when you got home -- she got exactly what she wanted.

Quote of the week goes to O'Neal, who is an animal in the gym: "Pain is the most temporary thing you could ever do to your body."

Runner up quote goes to Ashley, who had no problem fending off all the fattening food her "friends" ordered at the local restaurant: "It doesn't taste as good as I feel right now." (What kind of friends are these, by the way? If you were really a friend of Ashley, wouldn't you order the salad in front of her so she wouldn't be tempted, and then go get your double-cheeseburger and stuffed potato skins from the drive-through on the way home? Friends indeed.)

-- Rene Lynch
On Twitter @renelynch

Photo: Lance, during a quiet moment at the gym, earlier in the season. NBC Universal