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'Real Housewives of Orange County': Nip Tuck

Alexis bellino I really wish the folks over at Bravo would quit playing games with my heart. Don’t tease me with a cameo appearance by old school housewife Jeana and then take her away! That’s just cruel. Did anyone else find it refreshing to see Jeana and Vicki back together? They’re the next iconic pairing of friends in TV land. Kind of like Laverne and Shirley…or Mary and Rhoda … Monica and Rachel? I’m taking it too far? You’re probably right.  

My giddiness over the on-screen reunion would quickly fade when that frilly intro shot of Alexis graced the screen. You know the one … she’s in that purple dress, blowing kisses to the camera. If that wasn’t ridiculous enough, move your eyes toward the travesty in the upper right hand corner. There’s Jimbo, holding his two daughters as if they’re monkeys. Wonder how much she had to pay him to do that.

As expected, things would only go downhill from there. Alexis’ mom, Penelope, is town.

Ugh. Wait. There’s that fuchsia getup again.

Back to the programming ...

Penelope made the trip from Colorado for some physical maintenance. And who better than her daughter to show her the way? Penelope wanted a brow lift to get rid of some sagginess. But once that doctor sat in his chair, it became a complete overhaul on her face. He started spewing out suggestions like she was a car coming in for a tune-up. Brow lift. Upper eye lid surgery. Thin this muscle out. Tighten that out. Reposition fat. Get rid of smile lines. Laser the lower eyelids. Oh, and at some point, do permanent eyeliner (ouch!) and get a laser peel. Why bother with all that? Just put a paper bag over your head. It’s cheaper.

And can we all take a moment to say “What was that about?” I’m referring to the Alexis infomercial midway through the show. I don’t care that she grew up in Missouri and climbed treehouses and crossed creeks. And there was no violin in sight for me to play when she went on to describe being an outcast: “It was very difficult growing up in Missouri being the kind of girl that I am because in Missouri girls wear jeans and T-shirts. They don’t wear a lot of makeup. They're just very simple. But I always had a tan going; I always had makeup--lots of makeup. I wore heels at, like, 13. Everybody always said to me that I looked like I belong in California.” My heart bleeds with pity. Not. I had to rewind three times just to make sure it wasn’t a joke. And then when her mother recalled how Alexis never wanted to walk to school because her hair might smell like air, all I could do was shake my head. Don’t get me started on her nibbling of the bread.

And the way she described her mother? Plain. Washed out. Simple. “She doesn’t like to take the time to do her hair and makeup, which  ... she doesn’t work so I don’t really know what else she's doing. She should do her hair and makeup.” Now we know what Alexis does with her time—as if we didn’t already.

My frustration with that whole scenario would ease with an appearance by Lynne. Regardless of what you think of the bronzed cuff-maker, she never fails at providing some good one-liners. Side note: Who is impressed by the amount of cuffs Lynne sports each episode? That lady is committed to those wrist things; they’re like permanently attached. I wonder if she has cuff tan line. Oh, right, the one liner … how great was her reason Frank would never cheat: “He’s germophobic, he would never cheat on me.” It’s stuff like that that tempts me to buy a piece of her bondage jewelry. One day, Lynne. One day.

Later in the episode, viewers witnessed Tamra’s less-than-fun-looking birthday lunch party. She was visibly irritated that Vicki didn't show up. To make matters worse, Vicki sent her assistant to the shindig with a gift. A classless gesture to some. To me, it was brilliant. And here’s why: “Who has a birthday party on Tuesday at 11 o’clock? I'm working. Always working. In the middle of the day I'm working,” a frazzled Vicki says in her one-on-one interview. I couldn’t agree more.

In other news, Gretchen’s booth at the Women’s Expo was a bust. Alexa and Raquel are considering getting a “parent whisperer” to knock some sense into Lynne and Frank (go for it!) and Simon still doesn’t think he’s controlling. This coming from a dude who says Hitler had a good side.

Show Trackers, what did you think of the episode? Am I being too harsh on Alexis? Should Alexa and Raquel get a parent whisperer? Have you bought one of Lynne’s cuffs?

--Yvonne Villarreal

Photo: Alexis Bellino. Credit: Bravo

Comments () | Archives (21)

How about the burger lunch with the classless Curtin daughters at dear old grandma's kitchen table, like did anyone here them say the word "like" like 400 times during their like brief conversation. I know California is bankrupt, but do the schools there still have enough money to teach grammer and English. Like, gag me, like you know what I mean Valley skanks.

And what about Alexis' shout-out to all the poor chics in the "Show-Me" state who don't overprocess their hair, cake on the makeup, or spend afternoons get fried in a tanning bed. Stupid Midwesterners. Is she serious or just that dumb. And ol' poor, poor mamma Penny. Don't you just feel so, so sorry for her having to listen to the blather that her obviously embarrassed daughter emits from her motor mouth. God help her.

And then there is poor old neglected Simon who didn't get his "happy" shot. He is a perfect example of what happens when your life goes completely off the rails. What is he supposed to talk to his wife about, when he has no life whatsoever. And he can't talk about what happened at work that day (or any other day for that matter) because he doesn't have a job and apparently isn't bothering to look for one. He doesn't have any friends, other than the other "house husbands", and of course, Tamra has already dished on all of that gossip. He is a mess on a bobsled to hell. Finally, next week, she tells this overbearing being to "hit the bricks" because she wants a divorce. Is she selfish? You bet. But continuing to live with pathetic Simon would be a sentence worth than death, and no one deserves that regardless of how gross she can act.

Oh, and how much do you think the Women's Expo ended up costing Gretchen's new business venture? A glittering booth, lots of product, and no customers...what a total bummer. Talk about a bad idea. Now helpless Slade my not get the new "Che" sweatshirt she was planning to buy for Mr. Homeless. What a pig.

The only blessing was that greasy Jim (you know Alexis' mafia hunk) didn't make an appearance. The sight of him makes me puke in my mouth.

Thank the good Lord Brianna is okay. I like her. She deserves a break.

Simon's ongoing comments about "other peoples" marriages are made even more entertaining in light of his own divorce announcement to Tamra. Yet Tamra appeared to be the one sobering to her situation (see her chat with Lynne in which she apparently offered advice to herself) last night. And don't forget Gretchen's apparent disgust with the concept of marriage, for once Slade seem to wake from his surfer-boy daze. Oh you crazy kids!

I LOVED this episode and couldn't agree with you more.

Tamra... First of all, I hate to say it, but I feel like I'm starting to feel bad for Tamra. Her husband is so rude. Sure, she's a trophe wife and probably married him for money, but he doesn't have to be so rude! You forgot to mention his Hitler comment.... crazy! He could not be sulk more or be more boring.

Lynne.... Her husband is an idiot and I feel bad for her girls. But could they please stop talking like stereotypical valley girls? If I were their mother, I'd make them take voice and diction classes. Lynne is always buzzed it seems. Do you think she's on painkillers? I think she's gotta be on something. And maybe part of the reason her girls can't stand her so much is because her breasts are always hanging out! Put them away, lady... you're a mom!

Vicki... I actually like Vicki. She works hard, she seems to be a good mom, and she seems to be the only one in a loving relationship. She seems the most real.

Alexis... If she wants us to believe she's 32, she's out of her mind. She looks at least 40, and that's WITH all the Botox, nips and tucks she's had. I love what you said about her mom. Couldn't agree more.

Gretchen... her makeup line is such a joke! Her voice is so annoying. She reminds me of Kendra from THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR.

I can't wait for next week when Tamra tells her husband she wants a divorce. Can't wait.

I want Jeana back!

I am not an Alexis fan. She is definitely my least favorite housewife. I LOVE Vicki. Of all of the housewives, she is the only one that I think has a really great life. Why do the other housewives always expect that she's going to be available to activities during the day?? She runs a very successful business...why would she leave to work out and go to parties during the day?

Where do I start? First off, I totally agree that Lynn is on something. She is so slow it is painful to watch. And her poor husband. I can't shake the feeling she was seriously thinking of dumping him because he is out of money... and those daughters....good god, they are just so shallow and annoying. I live in the OC and my nieces are 16 and 17 and amoungst their friends, I have not seen anything close to those two dingbats.

Alexis, on the otherhand, is truley an OC Housewife. I have met so many women like her I cannot begin to tell you. It is a Newport Beach thing. They think they are such fabulous mothers, Christians and wives but look like they sucked on something sour if they see a woman in sweats at Fashion Island (the upscale mall in NB). Their kids always have the BEST of everything, are perfectly dressed, and start their lives sucking on bejeweled pacifiers. They are the most vain, self absorbed, unchristlike women out there. What they spend on looking rich for one day could feed an underpriviledged family of four for a week. They are wasteful and gluttonous.

I like Gretchen, although I do wish she would come clean about cheating on Jeff. It's pretty obvious she did. I feel bad her make-up line will most likely tank.

Vicki is starting to learn she can't get away with saying just anything, even if it is right. She has my respect because she worked for her money.

I have nothing to say about Tamara as why kick someone when they are down.

I do miss Jeana...soo much. But what I'd love to see them do is through a REAL OC housewife inthere. One who struggles to make it pay check to paycheck and has little fashion sense. That would be hilarious!!

Vicki's office was 5 minutes away so she could have dropped in and given Tamra her gift. I'm sure she takes a lunch break so her excuse is weak.
I'm sure Vicki is an "expert" on time management so she could have attended if she wanted to.

Too hard on Alexis? Is that possible? I continue to believe her bubble is about to break,I see her sleazy husband in a perp walk on the 10 pm news.

Gee, where to begin:

Simon's constant rants about how great his marriage is and how dysfunctional the Gunvalson's marriage is…well, we saw this coming. it will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Maybe this is why he is no longer blogging on the station's website.

I was so shocked when Vicki arranged to have her vows renewed and the romance that transpired with it. I actually thought Vicki was not so bad after all…and then the following episodes happened and now she is back in the bottom of the bucket. I laughed out loud when I heard Vicki say "at the end of the day we have each others backs." NOT! Vicki ran back to Jeanna because she has nobody left on her side. What is this with Vicki that she insists a married woman stand against her husband to support Vicki? If it were flipped around Vicki wouldn't stand up for Tamra against Don! Vicki could have taken her lunch 1 hour earlier and delivered the gift to Tamra. One thing we can do when we work and OWN a business is to move our lunch around. Besides, Vicki is not a housewife. She really needs to move on from the show, or, Bravo needs to rename the show to "Wives and Mistresses of Orange County." Oh, and I don't miss Vicki's squeaking and wahooing!

Do the Curtins like to play pout, beg and forget? Most couples are done with that early in the marriage. Ah, that's right. They haven't matured over the years. As I stated before, the daughters are more mature than the parents as was evident in tonight's episode. Please do go and get counseling.

If Alexis has to keep getting maintenance on herself, what a blowfish she is going to look like when she is older! Her comment on how plain her mother is makes herself unattractive. By the way, Alexis needs to attend Sunday school!

Please Gretchen, ditch Slade. He just wants back into the show. Follow your mother's instincts. She knows best.

Comments are made about watching this show so as to see that our own lives are not so bad after-all. True, but, it really gives us insight into our neighbors…the ones that we really don’t' want to meet!

Always love my OC "ladies" (and of course you do have to use the term "ladies" loosely here). Love your recaps, too. :)

When Simon said Hitler had a good side i about laughed myself silly. Since he stopped getting a regular paycheck, every ounce of fun (not that there was much to begin with) has seeped out of this man. He's not happy with himself that he's no longer bringing home the bacon and losing their house, and now he's blaming/taking it out on Tamra, who can only take so much. I don't blame her for moving away from him in the least. He was really mean to her on her birthday too, she was trying to be so nice with him, too.

Alexis is a joke. She is just ridiculous. I also get that criminal/perp vibe from Jimbo too. (yuck.)

Who couldn't see Gretchen's makeup line being a disaster like a mile away? & Anyway, what is Slade on these days? ahhh...a day in the life of Gretch the Wretch. (and as an aside, how young did her father look?)

Speaking of ppl being on something, Lynne Lynne Lynne. You need to leave the kiddie (Alexa) home when you are having serious marriage discussions with your husband. It was like Lynne was letting Alexa be her mouthpiece. but Yes, Lynne is worth it just for the serious doozies (& that's DOOZIES, not DOOBIES) she comes out with. & Yes, i'm also tempted to buy one of her cuffs one of these days.

Finally, glad Vicki's daughter doesn't have cancer. Vicki was at least nice enough to have a gift delivered to Tamra at her "Ho's & Mo's" B-day party. That Tamra is a Grade A crack-up. :)

Brilliant blog! So right on about Alexis! I cannot stand that self-absorbed, hypocritical in church Sunday - catty on Monday - beeyotch.

Wow lynne truly has no clue in life and her husband is a wimp, also those girls are just like their dumb mother. They think money just grows on trees, yah right they are going to move to LA and go to college. Tamra and Simon this is Tamras second marriage and it now is falling apart why, because of the show. Yes Simon is controlling but that is the same dude she married, nothing is going to change him. I have met Simon he is your typical High-line Auto sales manager, we sold him his Ferrari Mondeal he is a good guy. Vicky what a t 2 face lying Brat, Jeana stay away from that.

Am I the only one who thinks that Alexis was born a man?? Come on!! I am sure I saw her on an old Springer show. Those childhood photos are not her.

As for Lynne there is no doubt in my mind she is stoned 24 hrs a day. She will be the next celebrity found unconscious in her bathroom. I feel bad for her husband he hasn't got a clue.

Vicki is just full of her self and she is your normal bitch. She means no harm. She is entertaining to me.

Tamara is an abnormal bitch. She is the highest level of bitch that you can achieve. First her complete jelousy of Gretchen when she joined the housewives was unbelievable. Who cares what Gretchen does in her personal life?? Its simply none of your business...you are jealous because your husband controls you and you would be very much doing the same things Gretchen does that you say make her a ho.
Throwing Vickie under the bus was the clincher for me. You are no one's friend you are a user. You used Vickie to launch your vendetta against Gretchen then when that cooled down you moved on.Then you cried on her shoulder about your marriage.REAL Girlfriends do this for each other..support them when they need it. You are no one's girlfriend..except Simon's best friend.

Obviously Gretchen is my favorite housewife. What you see is what you get. And unfortunately most of the housewives don't get it. She is young and pretty and fun. She is on her own. Thats the killer for most of you she has no ties that bind her to anyone. Admit it most of you woild trade place in a nano moment.

I'm almost ready to self destruct just to get away from all these nut cases.Lynne and her girls are horrid.Lynne is a space cadet and those gorls are so disrespectful.Poor Frank he worked to keep them happy and they're taking him to the poorhouse.Tough love for the brats Frank and a wake up call for the Mrs.Alexis got on my nerves with her comments about her Mother.All that lady needed was some makeup and a new hairdo.No plastic surgery and certainly not all that the Dr. suggested.He saw you and your pocketbook coming.Vicki, who I very seldom agree with, was absolutely right in not going to Tamras party.She does have a job and clients.Whose bright idea was it to have the party at that day and time?Tamra had better grow up.she gets more childish as time goes on.I never blamed Simon...he had to be the grown up.I'm glad that Jeana got the last laugh.Vicki didn't have her back when she was in crisis.WELCOME RHONYC....I'm waiting and hope you won't let your fans down!!!!

I am suprised that nobody has mentioned that part of the show where Alexis refers to herself as Lexie. Lexie time would be going to the gym But she was really putting herself out for her mom, that is not Lexie time.. LMAO. OK she didnt say it quite like that but... I would like her a whole lot better if she was the person that she makes herself to be. I bet she would like herself too. Hopefully seeing herself this season will make her see the light...

RHWONYC?? oh puh-lease!! each Housewives show gets worse and worse and more fake as they went on.

OC > NYC > ATL > NJ (now the bottom of the barrel)

Anyone who thinks Alexis will ever change is in for a long wait. Allegedly Jim is the married older man with kids Alexis was cheating on her first husband with prior to each of their first divorces. He is so creepy and full of himself.

Alexis isn't evil, she's just not real bright. I'd love to see her and Lynn in a spelling bee. Her mother was a lovely lady who absolutely did not need anything done to her face. She looked quite young for as old as she must be to have a child Alexis's age. Not sure why she allowed someone who "didn't want her hair to smell like air..." to talk her into having massive amounts of plastic surgery that she didn't need. She was a lovely mature lady who frankly looked very young for her age.
By the way- every time her kids have been shown they have been TOTALLY out of control. I figure that's because with two nannies to take care of them why listen to ......Mommy? (is that the name of that other lady who lives here?) And I agree, not only is her husband creepy, I would be very surprised if he didn't have a little side action going on.
As for Lynn....let's see, I've been evicted four times in the last couple of years...so I guess when my husband says everything is fine I should just take that at face value even though I know the rest of the country's economy is in the toilet and my husband hasn't been working. So yeah...let's go out and get $50,000 worth of plastic surgery for myself and my daughter and....what???? We actually DON'T have any money?????WTF????? I'm shocked, I had no idea things were that bad. My husband is such a jerk for not letting me know. Oh well, this $1200 leather jacket will make it all better.....
Vickie is rude and outspoken and WHINES like a hurt kitten when anyone dares to dish it out back to her. I really dislike her, however: Brianna is incredible. I have to assume that at least a big chunk of Vickie's annoying personality must be carefully edited to present her at her absolute worst, because you can't be a total scary clueless control freak and turn out a kid that great. Brianna's mom is loaded, and instead of coasting on her trust fund she decides to go into a profession that is physically and emotionally draining, and manages to finish school in three and a half years. So there must be a side of Vickie that we aren't seeing, because the apple can't fall THAT far from the tree.
Jeana was my favorite and I was happy to see her leave the show because she's too normal to hang out with that crowd. She belongs in a pair of levi's on some ranch in Montana riding horses (western style) and making pancakes for a houseful of company.
Tamra has pretty much been the pot calling the kettle black as we have found out recently, considering she received something like 160 phone calls in six months from her "friend". Simon is a control freak but he genuinely seems to love her and gah...don't they have marriage counselors in Orange County? Could they at least try to save the marriage since they have children at home?
I always like Gretchen but could you come up with a more white-trash name for your cosmetics line than "BEYOO-TAY"? Eek. I'm not too worried about her future, though, after seeing her parents rent the entire Merv Griffith estate for their vacation. Obviously THAT girl also has a healthy trust fund in her future.
I have no idea what to make of Slade. Some times I think he is a nice, normal guy; other times I wonder if he got a gander at Gretchen's trust fund and fell in love. DOES he have a job?

I like the original Housewives of OC. It was fun to peek into the lives of people who were dripping in diamonds. I don't like what it's become. It's a hot mess that's contrived by the producers. It's fake. The housewives know that fighting will keep them "cast members."

It was more like an interesting and fun documentary during the first season of OC. Now it's just negative cat fights. I don't like it anymore.

Re: Alexis....Ick,ick, ick. There's nothing else to say about her. Such a foolish hypocrite in so many ways.

I love Gretchen, but does anyone else think Bravo paid that one woman to walk up to her booth at the trade show?

What is the necklace Alexis got from her husband made of?
What is it made of and where can you buy one?
Very distictive.

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