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'Real Housewives of Orange County': Nip Tuck

February 26, 2010 |  9:29 am

Alexis bellino I really wish the folks over at Bravo would quit playing games with my heart. Don’t tease me with a cameo appearance by old school housewife Jeana and then take her away! That’s just cruel. Did anyone else find it refreshing to see Jeana and Vicki back together? They’re the next iconic pairing of friends in TV land. Kind of like Laverne and Shirley…or Mary and Rhoda … Monica and Rachel? I’m taking it too far? You’re probably right.  

My giddiness over the on-screen reunion would quickly fade when that frilly intro shot of Alexis graced the screen. You know the one … she’s in that purple dress, blowing kisses to the camera. If that wasn’t ridiculous enough, move your eyes toward the travesty in the upper right hand corner. There’s Jimbo, holding his two daughters as if they’re monkeys. Wonder how much she had to pay him to do that.

As expected, things would only go downhill from there. Alexis’ mom, Penelope, is town.

Ugh. Wait. There’s that fuchsia getup again.

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Penelope made the trip from Colorado for some physical maintenance. And who better than her daughter to show her the way? Penelope wanted a brow lift to get rid of some sagginess. But once that doctor sat in his chair, it became a complete overhaul on her face. He started spewing out suggestions like she was a car coming in for a tune-up. Brow lift. Upper eye lid surgery. Thin this muscle out. Tighten that out. Reposition fat. Get rid of smile lines. Laser the lower eyelids. Oh, and at some point, do permanent eyeliner (ouch!) and get a laser peel. Why bother with all that? Just put a paper bag over your head. It’s cheaper.

And can we all take a moment to say “What was that about?” I’m referring to the Alexis infomercial midway through the show. I don’t care that she grew up in Missouri and climbed treehouses and crossed creeks. And there was no violin in sight for me to play when she went on to describe being an outcast: “It was very difficult growing up in Missouri being the kind of girl that I am because in Missouri girls wear jeans and T-shirts. They don’t wear a lot of makeup. They're just very simple. But I always had a tan going; I always had makeup--lots of makeup. I wore heels at, like, 13. Everybody always said to me that I looked like I belong in California.” My heart bleeds with pity. Not. I had to rewind three times just to make sure it wasn’t a joke. And then when her mother recalled how Alexis never wanted to walk to school because her hair might smell like air, all I could do was shake my head. Don’t get me started on her nibbling of the bread.

And the way she described her mother? Plain. Washed out. Simple. “She doesn’t like to take the time to do her hair and makeup, which  ... she doesn’t work so I don’t really know what else she's doing. She should do her hair and makeup.” Now we know what Alexis does with her time—as if we didn’t already.

My frustration with that whole scenario would ease with an appearance by Lynne. Regardless of what you think of the bronzed cuff-maker, she never fails at providing some good one-liners. Side note: Who is impressed by the amount of cuffs Lynne sports each episode? That lady is committed to those wrist things; they’re like permanently attached. I wonder if she has cuff tan line. Oh, right, the one liner … how great was her reason Frank would never cheat: “He’s germophobic, he would never cheat on me.” It’s stuff like that that tempts me to buy a piece of her bondage jewelry. One day, Lynne. One day.

Later in the episode, viewers witnessed Tamra’s less-than-fun-looking birthday lunch party. She was visibly irritated that Vicki didn't show up. To make matters worse, Vicki sent her assistant to the shindig with a gift. A classless gesture to some. To me, it was brilliant. And here’s why: “Who has a birthday party on Tuesday at 11 o’clock? I'm working. Always working. In the middle of the day I'm working,” a frazzled Vicki says in her one-on-one interview. I couldn’t agree more.

In other news, Gretchen’s booth at the Women’s Expo was a bust. Alexa and Raquel are considering getting a “parent whisperer” to knock some sense into Lynne and Frank (go for it!) and Simon still doesn’t think he’s controlling. This coming from a dude who says Hitler had a good side.

Show Trackers, what did you think of the episode? Am I being too harsh on Alexis? Should Alexa and Raquel get a parent whisperer? Have you bought one of Lynne’s cuffs?

--Yvonne Villarreal

Photo: Alexis Bellino. Credit: Bravo