'Glee': In your face!
9 p.m.: Quarterback Finn gets a Slushee thrown in his face, a rite of passage usually reserved for McKinley High losers. Which he now is, since he’s not only in glee club but has taken credit for knocking up Quinn. “You two don’t have the juice anymore,” the hockey-playing Slushee thrower sneers at the dethroned king and queen of popularity. “Welcome to the new world order.”
9:01: Emma, sadly MIA last week, returns! The reluctant bride-to-be, along with fiance Ken Tanaka, interrupt Will’s lunch to inform him they’ve decided to marry on the beach in Hawaii, which Emma chose not because it’s romantic but because it’s far away from everyone they know. Mars still wouldn’t be far enough away for this girl.
9:02: Ken and Emma—Kenma?—tell Will they can’t agree on a first-dance song for the wedding. Emma wants “I Could Have Danced All Night” from “My Fair Lady,” while Ken’s got his moneymaker set on the “The Thong Song.” Kenma’s doomed… unless Will can rustle up some more of his mash-up magic! Oh, who are we kidding? Kenma’s doomed.
9:05: Will imparts a bit of mash-up wisdom to his glee club (“Sometimes things are so different they don’t feel like they go together, but the big difference between them is what makes them great”) before busting a move to “Bust a Move.” He’s break dancing, sliding across the floor on his knees Johnny Castle-style and looking, let’s face it, all-around hot. How can Kurt look so bored?
9:07: Emma’s showing little sympathy for Finn and Quinn’s popularity predicament. Maybe it’s because Finn implied she wouldn’t know the first thing about being popular. Or maybe she’s just too busy lusting after Will, who’s grooving outside her office in a killer pair of shades.
9:09: Emma is walking down the hallway in a whole lotta wedding dress! How is she not embarrassed by those poofy, ‘80s-era shoulders? And how can such a germaphobe not be freaked out by all the nastiness that massively long train is surely sweeping up?
9:10: Guess her Princess-Di obsession trumps all. She wants Will to teach her how to dance in the dress because her cousin didn’t learn and wound up divorced three months later. No way she and Tanaka are making it that long! Will hits play on his old-school boom box and, for the second time in five minutes, starts rapping. Emma doesn’t seem to mind “The Thong Song” so much when Will’s playing the groom. Especially when he trips over her train, sending them both tumbling to the ground and thisclose to a kiss.
9:12: Ken Tanaka breaks up a fight between Finn and a mouthy teammate who can’t believe the quarterback was man enough to knock up Quinn. (If he only knew.) The coach is all fired up because Finn’s arm could’ve been broken—and because he happened to catch his fiancee’s close encounter with Will. Guess which one prompts him to schedule a mandatory football practice for the same day and time as glee club?
9:16: Rachel singing “What a Girl Wants” into her hairbrush while admiring herself in the mirror? Totally normal. Mohawked Puck strumming along on his guitar? A bit odd. Puck suddenly asking Rachel if she wants to make out? Random!
9:17: Thankfully, a flashback provides some context. It seems Puck’s Jewish mother was so overcome watching “Schindler’s List” while eating her sweet-and-sour pork that she felt compelled to compare her son to the freakin’ Nazis! “You’re no better than them, Noah,” she cried. “Why can’t you date a Jewish girl?” After seeing a wind-blown Rachel in a dream, Puck realizes she’s Jewish, hot and that he simply must do his duty and get into her pants. Who knew Puck was such a mama’s boy?
9:18: Rachel puts the brakes on the make-out session with Puck when she pictures Finn. She covers by saying she can’t give herself to anyone who isn’t brave enough to sing a solo.
9:19: Puck’s singing a solo! Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.” Guess he’s serious about Rachel, or at least honoring his heritage.
9:20: Rachel clearly likes being sung to, Finn seems jealous and, judging from the admiring grin on her face, Quinn is definitely digging the sweet and vulnerable side of Puck. Oh, “Glee” scribes, what a tangled web you weave!
9:25: Quinn and Finn are cruising the school halls wearing sunglasses. It’s all Emma’s fault. The quarterback and his Cheerio are completely oblivious to how ridiculous they look. For that, they have no one to blame but themselves. They kind of deserve Slushee facial No. 2.
9:26: Sue Sylvester makes her first appearance of the night! The subject of this edition of “Sue’s Corner”: Why can’t people marry dogs? (Because what else would it be?) What happens next is more surprising than Sue Sylvester choosing to preach the virtues of love: She gets asked out by Rod, the local anchorman, and--despite the fact that he’s drunk on Scotch and speaking in his smarmy anchorman voice even when he’s not anchoring--she accepts!
9:28: Mortal enemies Will and Sue are dancing together. Willingly. No, make that joyfully! Have they been whooshed away to “Fringe’s” alternate reality? How else to explain such craziness?
9:29: Sue can explain the craziness: She’s in love, and all it took was one date with anchorman Rod. Turns out Sue Sylvester likes a man who can sink her Battleship, and sink it hard. Will’s dance lessons just might help her win the danceathon she’s entering with her new beau. Wait--did Sue just call Emma “Irma?” She definitely just informed Will that Ken Tanaka has taken over her desire to destroy glee club.
9:31: Ken doesn’t deny his plans when confronted by Will. He’s tired of coming in second to Will and his “Gene Kelly charm” in Emma’s eyes. By making the guys choose between football and glee, maybe he’s finally found a battle he can win.
9:36: Emma, having made the wise decision to ditch the Princess Di gown, is trying on more dance-friendly wedding dresses. Will nearly shoots the garter he’s been playing with across the room when she emerges looking like a modern-day Audrey Hepburn. There’s waltzing—waltzing!--and a song from Emma—a “Glee” first, right? The look on Will’s face says it all: “My fair lady, indeed.”
9:40: The glee girls, plus Artie and Kurt, are watching the clock tick toward the “glee club or football?” moment of truth. Just when it seems that the guys have all chosen Team Tanaka, the door opens. Puck is Team Schu! Or, more accurately, Team Rachel. Sweet.
9:41: Finn chooses football. At least he ditched the ridiculous shades.
9:45: Too bad he picked up a Slushee. His target: Kurt, who happily quit as the team’s kicker. But Finn can’t go through with it, even with the threat of a beat down from the football bullies, so Kurt Slushees himself. Jeez--the lengths a guy has to go to these days to make sure his crush isn’t pummeled!
9:46: I just realized Terri and her fake pregnancy bump have yet to pop up in this episode. Can’t say I’ve missed them!
9:47: Sue’s wearing a dapper red zoot suit, a chapeau—and a smile! Which disappears as soon as she sees her man with another woman’s legs wrapped around his waist. Rod’s all like, “You didn’t think we were exclusive, did you?” Why yes, Rod, that’s exactly how Sue saw it.
9:48: Another relationship bites the dust as Rachel breaks up with Puck. He guesses she’s into Finn, she guesses he’s into Quinn, and they both figure it makes absolutely no difference, considering Quinn’s pregnancy. Rachel hopes she and Puck can still be friends, but Puck’s not having it: “We weren’t friends before.” Burn!
9:50: Will proceeds to prove there’s nothing he’s not good at as he handily tosses a football with Finn. He doesn’t want the quarterback to look back and regret giving up glee club. He’s given this speech before. But Finn’s had enough Slushees in the face to last a lifetime. So Will pulls out the big guns: “Of all the students I’ve ever had, you remind me the most of me.”
9:54: That did the trick. Finn tells Coach Tanaka he won’t forsake one of his loves for the other. Not when he can see a future where it’s cool to be in glee club, where the more different you are, the better. Tanaka may have horrible taste in wedding songs, but he knows a good monologue when he hears it. He promptly surrenders.
9:55: Sue’s heart is shattered. She’s even wearing a black tracksuit as a sign of mourning. She grumpily accosts Will at the water fountain, demanding to see the set list for Sectionals (pronto!), then turns around and kicks Quinn off the Cheerios. Welcome back, Bad Sue!
9:57: Will tells Emma he’s having no luck with the wedding mash-up. He just can’t get the two songs to go together. “Yeah,” she says, “because they don’t. We both know that.” Neither of them is talking about songs anymore. And neither of them looks very happy.
9:58: Kurt lightens the mood by explaining where Slushees get their name: “Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them.”
9:59: Will is so relieved to have Finn back in the fold that he forgives the kids for blowing off their mash-up homework--and makes the mistake of admitting he’s never gotten a Slushee in the kisser. So, naturally, the club gives him 12—at once. You know the old saying: The group that Slushees together, stays together.
10 p.m.: One whole hour without Terri. Still not missing her! Three weeks without a fresh slice of “Glee,” however, is an entirely different story. How will we survive? Maybe sounding off on last night’s episode will help ease the sting, at least temporarily. So, please, comment away!
– Shawna Malcom
Photo: Lea Michele and Mark Salling on "Glee." Cred: Fox