‘Melrose Place’: Love thy neighbor

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And that’s why you don’t get to know your neighbors.

It’s like one minute your older hot landlady is just your AA sponsor and sex buddy. One moment she’s keeping you sober when you want to drink to forget your dead girlfriend’s birthday, the girlfriend who was stabbed to death protecting you in a bar fight -- the next she’s snorting cocaine and wielding a knife.

Then she ends up dead a few hours later and you’re having to burn the incriminating evidence. Aha! The bloody chef jacket -- explained. One suspect down, several more to go. We’re guessing most viewers are OK with Auggie being ruled out so quickly -- last week’s trespasses, after all, lead to this week’s shower scene at the beginning of the episode.

But enough about Sydney, let’s get to catfighting neighbors Ella and Riley...

If we were Riley, we’d be tempted to sink that ladder-climbing publicist into the pool ourselves. She’s so obviously determined to drive a wedge in Riley and Jonah’s lovers den. And how cheap was it of her to demand that Jonah install a video camera right now because of that pesky murder? Pretty cheap.

Nicely played, Ella. Now you’ve got Jonah jealous of Riley and Auggie’s perfectly innocent, totally platonic friendship. (Or is it?)

Speaking of spying on your neighbors, viewed on video, Violet does remind us a lot of Sydney, and not just because they have the same hair color. They both look exactly the same floating face down in a pool of water!

Violet now becomes suspect No. 2. Can we chalk up Violet’s instability because she’s Sydney’s daughter and, well, genetics, or because she thinks she’s Sydney’s daughter?

Why else is befriending your neighbors a bad idea? Well, wouldn’t moonlighting as a courtesan to pay for medical school be a lot easier if your neighbor -- not to mention your roommate -- didn’t hang at the same A-list gatherings as your clients? When your latest date doesn’t seem all that skeevy everyone expects an introduction.

At least David’s late-night reputation helps mask his Thomas Crown tendencies when he decides to pinch from Daddy and other elites. How many friends does he have in the complex? Ella makes one. So far, David’s the smartest resident. How many excuses can Lauren come up with to mask her walks of shame?

It might be best to keep the doors locked for everyone but the delivery service. Then again, you’d also be forgoing that invite to the lobster tail barbecue. Choices, choices...

-- Whitney Friedlander

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Photo (top): Auggie grills Violet at a ‘Melrose Place’ pool party. Michael Desmond / CW

Photo (bottom): Lauren returns from a late-night rendezvous. Credit: Michael Desmond / CW