‘90210’ premiere: Is Annie in the red? Considering the economics

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As far as I’m concerned, the season opened strong. Any episode that throws in a random, choreographed dance clicks my ‘like’ button. And if you’re wondering what that song was, it’s Soundmaster T still-unreleased “The Freakalator,” which I predict is going to be a hit. I can’t say the same for all our friends at West Beverly, though.

As I was watching Tuesday’s season premiere, I couldn’t help but think that any true “90210” fan, like any good economist, could read the indicators of things to come. Observe the telltale signs.

Naomi is considering older options:

What’s up with her attraction to Mr. “Big & Meaty Hands”? The problem with going with these older blue chip stocks is that they aren’t as exciting (at least for us). Of course, what Naomi is really doing is avoiding thoughts of riskier investments like Liam. He’s volatile, unstable and untested. She’s also considering Teddy (if she wanted someone who looked older, he sure fits the bill!) – I say he’s a risky investment, though. Newly military-schooled Liam seems like a more attractive option. It might have something to do with his new Zac Efron hair, because I suddenly see Naomi going for 17 again.

Dixon’s stock is plummeting: Wow. If I had stock in Dixon Inc., I’d sell. In my opinion, Dixon’s tanking.

First, he accuses Annie of lying about sleeping with Liam at Naomi’s prom party. What happened to family sticking up for one another? Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally enjoying Annie’s misery, but Dixon was way off base. Plus, all Annie wanted to do was confide in him that after she called the police on her friends, she drove into some guy, and (inhale) left him to die in the road, knowing that someone found him and may have seen her car speeding away from the crime scene (and breathe). OK, so Dixon kind of dodged a bullet on that one, but hello, she’s his sister! Any good investor knows that when the stock is low, it’s time to buy. And Annie has hit rock bottom at this point.

Then, Dixon convinces Navid that he should set up a sex den for Adrianna, (for whom sex means nothing but trouble lately) in one of the Beach Club cabanas (what’s romantic about a tool shed with beds in it?). Even worse, he claims girls want to make love to a Sex Jams CD full of Feist and Norah Jones songs! Should Navid bring the knitting needles too? Of course, the whole thing backfired when Adrianna said once again that she wanted to wait. D’oh, what could have gone wrong?

Finally, Dixon broke up with Silver (who’s pretty hot with the new “Rihanna” bob) after Teddy ratted her out about Ethan’s “Dear John” text and (what turns out to be the goodbye) kiss from last season. Dixon basically makes the worst decision any investor could make – he acted without getting all the information. I have a feeling that Silver will get him back. I’m just not sure Dixon deserves her.

Annie is spending more than she can afford: Boy, is Annie in the red! What was she thinking, having inebriated cabana sex with that slimy day-player? He’s not even in the opening credits! I do love how she just drank from his flask without even a pause to consider what was in it! She may think she has nothing to lose, but the sad truth is you can always get yourself deeper in debt. Turns out Slimeball took a nude picture of lil’ drunken Annie. Of course, the picture eventually falls (or is manhandled) into Naomi’s possession. And the question now stands: Will she reveal Annie’s assets?

— Jethro Nededog