‘Weeds’: Rum and milk

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A couple of weeks ago, I had to cut a few lines I quoted from an episode of ‘Weeds’ in my post because they violated the L.A. Times obscenity rules. It wasn’t big. A couple F’s here and S’s there. Some colorful references to genitalia. Completely understandable. It’s a Showtime series. There’s an expectation there. But tonight’s episode … I don’t know if I can even write the episode title, let alone all the conversations and actions that take place. I’ll do my best.

It starts out simple enough. Nancy can’t get any sleep on the couch just outside Andy’s arcade. While I might love the lulling sounds of Ms. Pac-Man, she prefers sleeping in silence, so she makes a play for the master bedroom. The current occupant, Andy, isn’t so quick to give it up. He agrees to share the bed after laying out specific rules regarding spooning, pillow placement and night farting (essential conversation for anyone sharing close sleeping quarters).

Along with sharing the bed, Andy starts sharing the responsibilities of Stephen, his son on paper. Nancy gives him a crash course in parenting, explaining it as a routine of food and, well, let’s say poop. Nancy uses another word, and uses it many, many times.

Nancy’s other boys are also dealing with their own poop. Dean finally gets around to telling Silas and Doug that their pot has been “stolen.” Dean’s not the best liar. The key is keeping it short and simple. The more detailed your lie, the more it looks like a lie. I’m not sure if Silas didn’t buy Dean’s story or just thought he was an idiot, but either way, Dean earned himself another crack upside the head. Either way, Dean deserves it. He’s ripping off Silas, the one person in this show trying to go legit, in favor of Celia.

Of course the marijuana wasn’t stole by “guys selling tigers outside the mini mart.” Celia is selling it. Well, more precisely, she’s giving it away with each purchase of You’re Pretty cosmetics. Not a bad plan at all. She even starts using the company’s structure to plan her own weed-peddling pyramid scheme. If you had started to like Celia at all this season, her catty speech to Doug and Silas as she’s moving out will cure that fast. Though it does spur Doug into action. You’re Pretty action. Can’t wait to see how that turns out.

Shane has a visit by the ghosts of virginity past. The two fine young goth girls who helped him act out intimate acts they picked out of a book return to let him know that it hurts when they pee. They go hunting for signs of chlamydia with a flashlight when, luckily, an expert walks into the room. Andy obviously has had his share of STDs. I’m surprised Shane didn’t go to him right away. Juiced up on all his recent parenting lessons, Andy quickly stops himself from heaping praise on Shane and instead takes his nephew to get checked out.

Oh, and Shane’s doctor is none other than Slema Green from ‘Big Love.’ She looks better in doctor’s garb than a man’s suit.

Once they get Shane the ointment for his little … yeast infection, Andy and Nancy head out to apparently the same restaurant Andy took Dr. Alanis Morissette for cheap tacos. While out, Nancy runs into a problem with lactation or lack thereof. A fullness pain. She calls Andy into the ladies’ room, and, let’s just say he helps. Leave it at that.

I don’t want to have any problems with L.A. Times standards, so I won’t go into everything Andy did or his reasoning. And I probably won’t talk much about Andy and Nancy’s conversation later that night in bed about “nature’s Ambien.”

After all this, Esteban returns to tell Nancy that he was set up with a beautiful, educated woman Pilar picked from a magazine for him, but he didn’t want her. He wants Nancy. He wants to be happy. He wants to smile more. (Though he needs to tell Cesar to stop smiling. It’s creepy.)

Esteban pops the question for a second time, and someone tries to pop him (like that?). A would-be assassin comes out of nowhere firing, and leads into one of the most shocking moments of the season. Just when I was starting to wonder if I cared for these characters anymore, I’m surprised by how my stomach dropped when I heard Shane say to call for his mom, and I realized he was the one who took the bullet. Holy … poop.

— Andrew Hanson