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Recap: “True Blood” Season 2, Episode 6

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Wait, OMG, my eyes are still bleeding from watching episode 6 of ‘True Blood’ this season. And not because I’m a vampire who cries blood. (I wish!) No, I’m a mortal who can’t come to terms with the amount of sheer lunacy I witnessed on screen last night.

So here goes: Eric has called Bill’s maker Lorena to Dallas to dominate Bill and keep him from Sookie. Bad idea. Because, um, we are treated to a Prohibition-era flashback where Bill and Marina go psycho-banana-nuts on a couple whom they invite to have group sex with them. It’s ugly stuff. Necks are snapped, arteries chewed on and sex had in puddles of freshly spilled blood. It kind of made me get over my crush on Bill (just a little).

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Happy sex is being had in modern-day Bon Temps as Daphne and Sam roll around naked on the pool table. He traces the hideous scars on her back and she cutely acts like she doesn’t know how she got them. (Yeah, and I don’t know why I have tractor-tire marks across my back either. Typical.) But Sam is in love and deep.

Meanwhile at Sookie’s house, which is now occupied by Team Evil-Fruit (Mary Ann and Carl), the hot water heater is broken and Mary Ann is about to lose her mind. She needs hot water and fast, so Eggs and Tara set out to buy parts in a town a few hours away. However, on the way there Eggs begs Tara to pull off on a side road and follow him to a totally creepy campsite in the woods. He doesn’t know why, but he’s sure he’s been there. Something terrible has happened there, as evidenced by bloody clothes and a blood-soaked rock. Eggs is distraught, Tara leads him away.

Things aren’t much better in koo-koo-for-Christ land, where Jason and Luke are engaged in building a contraption called a ‘Meet the Sun’ platform, which houses a cross that a vampire (presumably Godric) will be chained to just as the sun starts to rise so a bunch of whack jobs can sit in bleachers and watch him ignite. Sarah is acting increasingly frustrated with Steve’s increasingly loaded and erratic actions, and she later confides in Jason that Steve aims to start a full-on war between vampires and humans and that he wants to use Jason to start that war.

What Jason doesn’t know when Sarah tells him this (before telling him that God wants them to have sex -- which Jason believes and engages in, right there in the church!) is that Sookie is currently being held in the basement along with Hugo. The two had posed as an engaged couple wanting to be married in the Fellowship of the Sun Church. Steve and Sarah acted nice enough and gave them a tour but somehow managed to cover up their intentions from Sookie’s telepathy, because before she is able to stop it from happening they are dragged kicking and screaming into the basement. Bill’s spidey instincts kick in and he rises to help only to find crazy old Lorena-maker straddling him.

At Merlotte’s, Sam is officially blinded by love because when he orders Daphne outside so they can ‘shift and run and play,’ the girl of his dreams literally shifts into the big, ugly pig that has been hanging out in Mary Ann’s dollhouse and running Tara off the road, and Sam is, like, totally cool with that. (Most of the guys I date are figuratively pigs, and even that concerns me. ‘Cause I’ve got my eyes wide open, yes I do.) Andy chases them when they run across the road and Sam mentions to Daphne how Andy seemed to recognize her. She shrugs it off.

Before chasing Miss Piggy, Andy was harassing poor Lafayette. ‘You weren’t on any damn gay cruise,’ he says, goading Lafayette into telling him what really happened when he disappeared. Poor Laffy won’t say a word; instead he goes into shock, terrified of being locked up in a vampire dungeon again. Sweet Terry kicks Andy out and wraps his arms around Lafayette. As soon as he leaves, Pam arrives and orders Lafayette to start selling vampire blood again. Why?

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Out in the dining room an angry Hoyt confronts his mom about cutting off his cellphone. He’s worried that Jessica will think he’s one of ‘those guys who never texts back.’ (Wait, isn’t that the only kind?) Then he drives all the way to Dallas and knocks on Jessica’s hotel room door and they lose themselves in the sweetest kiss ever.

Cut to Tara and Eggs coming home from their bizarre road trip to a house that is totally trashed from yet another crazy-time Mary Ann party. They find a joint, light it, and follow a string of flung-off clothing to a Mary Ann-helmed orgy worthy of Caligula. The fine people of Bon Temps, their eyes demon-black, writhe and roll and sweat and pound away at one another while Mary Ann flutters like Satan’s heart. Tara and Eggs stop in their tracks; even Terry and Arlene are there, possessed.

Down the road a bit Daphne leads Sam toward the good times. He hesitates, saying in his experience nothing good ever came of a drum circle. She insists and then a couple of people jump out of the woods and drag Sam to Mary Ann. Daphne turns on a dime, she is Mary Ann’s handmaiden. ‘It’s the end of the road,’ she says to Sam as she places a black bull’s head on Mary Ann and Mary Ann reaches for a bejeweled sword. Sam screams.

Roll Credits.

Update: An earlier version of this post incorrectly stated that Bill’s maker’s name was Marina. It is Lorena. Thanks to all the readers who pointed out the error.

--Jessica Gelt

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