Recap: 'True Blood' Episode 1, Season 2

Greetings! OMG, let’s recap what happened during the Season 2 premiere of “True Blood.” First, boobs! Next, blood! Finally, was I hallucinating, or did Eric bite a man’s penis off? But let’s not go there just yet. First things first.

Lafayette is not dead. Things start with a bang and a scream as Sookie, Tara and Andy find a body in the back of Andy’s car in the parking lot of Merlotte’s. “Please tell me it’s not Lafayette,” says Tara, trembling.

“There ain’t no pulse, ‘cause there ain’t no heart,” says Andy, revealing a dead face frozen in excruciating agony and a chest torn open. Tara lies to the police, saying she has never seen the woman before. But Sookie, always the telepath, calls her bluff. The woman is Miss Jeanette, the crazy forest-dwelling exorcist that rid Tara and her mama of their demons last season by plying them with peyote. How could Tara forget?

Meanwhile, Bill is in his mossy mansion with newbie bloodsucker Jessica being a total downer of a dad. “Your bedtime will be at 4 a.m. and not a minute later. We also recycle in this house.” Blah-de-blah. Poor Jessica. Eric was so much more fun. Sookie calls and says she’s coming over. She still doesn’t know about Jessica’s existence.

Cut to sweet, dimwitted Jason reading the Fellowship of the Sun book and slowly buying into its whole the-dark-ones-are-bad ethos. But, wait, oh no, he remembers kissing V-addicted Amy  and lies down on his bed to cry.

Back at the Bon Temps police station, Andy interrogates Tara, and Tara’s crazy old mom shows up sputtering on and on about how Miss Jeanette saved her and was not a grifter. A good dose of peyote never fails to convince crazies of just about anything!

Cut to a dark, slimy dungeon (yes, a dungeon, seriously, God I love this show) and who is that chained by his neck to a big old medieval wheel with a bunch of coughing sad sack prisoners? Why it’s Lafayette. Yay! So glad he’s still alive. Although, really, did any of us truly believe he was dead? I don’t think so.

Back at Bill’s mossy mansion, Sookie is in her man’s arms, looking lovingly into his dark, sexy eyes, crooning about how finally she’s got some peace and quiet when Jessica pops out of the shower in a towel and totally ruins the let’s-make-undead-love vibe.

That same evening, Maryann picks Tara up from the police station and puts Tara’s mom in her place.  “I’ve often wondered what it would be like to gaze into the eyes of someone so devoid of human compassion,” she says with cloying sweetness. Cat fight! Sort of. Tara’s mom is too koo-koo-roo to fight effectively.

Back at Bill’s place, Sookie is nonplussed to learn about Jessica. “You bit her? You drained her blood? Did you have sex with her?” No! Because the sex thing would definitely be a deal breaker. Not the you-killed-her part. Since Bill is such a liar, Sookie leaves. “How am I supposed to ever trust you if you keep something like that from me?”

The next morning, Steve Newlin, the leader of the Fellowship of the Sun church, is on TV having a charming tête-à-tête with Nan Flanagan of the American Vampire League. “Opening shots of human vampire war?” the type on the TV screen reads. Oh yeah, it’s on. Steve is blaming vampires for the assassination of his father, Theodore. His wife, Sarah, looks on adoringly.

At brunch after the interview, Ori, who originally started recruiting Jason to the church when Jason was in jail last season, introduces Jason to Steve. They invite him to pay $1,200 to be a part of the Light of Day Institute Leadership conference. “There’s no price for salvation,” says Steve with sublime sliminess. “Why don’t you pray on it,” adds Sarah. “God will give you a sign.”

Later, Sam shows up at Maryann’s house with a trash bag and has the looniest vision while he’s waiting for her in her living room: He’s a puppy and he comes in through her doggy door, morphs in to a nerdy 17-year-old boy and begins to rob her house in the buff but not before lustily biting into a giant Renaissance-fair-worthy turkey leg that is inexplicably part of some orgy-tastic feast that happens to be laid out on her dining room table. She comes down and catches him.

Cut to Sookie, who is trying to pack up Gran’s things (saddest unfinished knitting ever!), only to be interrupted by a lawyer who tells her that her Great-Uncle Bartlett is dead, washed up in Walnut Creek, seemingly an accident. But there’s good news, he loved you (in all the wrong ways, molester!), and he’s left you all of his money: $11,000. Sookie reluctantly takes it.

At Maryann’s house, Tara and Eggs Benedict (please, somebody explain that name to me, I can’t remember why he’s called Eggs Benedict, even though I definitely love the tasty breakfast dish) sit by the pool while Maryann plies them with exotic fruit and pot. There is a brief discussion of the mural by the pool. “It’s the god Pan and his human lover,” Maryann explains. Hmmm, oh wow, wait a second. Could Maryann be a Greek goddess of some sort? That would explain that freaky fluttering energy thing she does when she’s being intense with people.

Tara and Eggs almost kiss, but Carl the houseboy interrupts them with fresh Egyptian cotton towels and, moment ruined, Tara hustles off to work. Carl receives a sturdy slap from Maryann afterward. “Nobody needed towels!” she says ominously.

Soon after, Jason is interrupted from working with Hoyt by Sookie, who gives him the check Uncle Bartlett left her. She doesn’t want it. Bartlett did some bad things. Jason takes it as the sign from God that he’s been waiting for. Poor, silly Jason.

Happily, we are now treated to another vision; this time it's of little teen Sam having sex with big, bad goddess Maryann, and when she is about to climax, she does that total deal breaker of a freaky, fluttering energy thing, which absolutely makes him think that she is way too intense for him. “Baby boy, you’re not the only one who’s special in the world,” she says before hopping in the shower and leaving him alone to steal all the valuables in her bedroom. Note to Sam: Do not steal from a supernatural creature. She will find you and flutter.

Back to the dungeon (yes, dungeon!). Lafayette talks to a dumb but humorous hick who has been brought down by an unseen person. They speculate as to why they are in the spot they’re in. The hick, whom Lafayette once beat up for being a gay basher, starts talking about all the bad things he’s done. At the top of the list? Getting it on with his cousin Roofus’ girl, who could crush beer cans between her breasts and did the same thing with his head before Roofus threw him out a window and shattered his hip. Now his hip is made of metal.

Also on his list of misdeeds? Letting a boy give him oral sex when he was 15 and at safety patrol camp. Poor Lafayette.

Back at Bill’s mossy mansion, he is trying to train Jessica to drink Tru Blood. She hates it. “Eric let me feed on a guy with tattoos and nipple piercings,” she whines. Eric, Eric, Eric. Yeah, it was pretty cool living with Eric.

At Merlotte’s, Sam is acting sullen, drinking whiskey and flashing back until Maryann shows up. He tries to give her back the money and jewelry he stole, but she laughs in his face. Did he really think this had anything to do with him? Silly, shape-shifting Sam! While they’re talking, Eggs shows up at the bar and kisses Tara. Sam sees and is not happy.

Cut to Bill and Sookie. She wants to know if he had anything to do with Uncle Bartlett’s death. He did? “He hurt you,” says Bill. “Oh my God, is it that easy for you to kill?” asks Sookie. Cue Bill’s morose, vampire strings-driven soundtrack. Tears drop from her eyes; his lips tremble. He stops her at the door.

“I cannot and will not lose you. For all the ways I have dismayed, aggrieved and failed you, I swear I will atone,” he says. “But I am not sorry. I refuse to apologize for what you have awakened in me. You are my miracle.”

Whatever! Boys say that to me every other night, but I don’t hop into bed with them like Sookie does with Bill. But then again, they do have super-hot sex and his fangs come out and he bites her neck and blood runs down her neck and he kisses her mouth and blood gets all over her lips and its all very hot and gothic and carnal, and I guess you could win me over with that line if you were Bill.

Suddenly, things become decidedly less pretty as Eric comes downstairs into the dungeon where Lafayette and the hick are being held and unchains the hick. “We have a few questions for you in regards to a fire that killed three of our own,” he says.  The hick thrusts a silver necklace onto Eric’s face and burns him, and omg if Eric doesn’t lose it and rip that hick to shreds. And that is when I think I saw him bite the hick’s penis off. Seriously.

Roll credits.

-- Jessica Gelt

Photo: HBO

Comments

[Bob]

Yawn.

[David]

Wow, they slaughtered it. I think I'll just stick to the books...

[Jacque]

Your recap was even funnier than the show -- and I LOVE True Blood!

[Bb]

As a fan of the books I was not overly pleased with the opening episode. They are starting to stray to far from the original story. I know I'm biased as an Eric fan but what was with the attack crotch? I too was surprised by this. He is decidedly more “bad boy” than Bill but I can’t help but think they are trying to make us root for Bill. I know they have to change things up for television but I hope they will still be true to the books.

[Michelle]

The thing about Season 2 is that it does not follow the book (seemingly at all). I know that it is only the first episode of a new season and is basically introducing us to a variety of items that will be the story-lines for this season. However, I felt a little disappointed. Maybe it is because it strays from the book. I will watch next week (no doubt about it). I almost wish the show was two hours long instead of just one....

[Kerstin]

Eggs is called Eggs because his name is Benedict.

[Marcus]

I'm sorry, but I must have missed the peyote part. Miss Jeanette said that she gave Tara something harmless to make her barf. No peyote for Tara's mother, either, as far as I could see. Have you watched the episodes in question?

[carly]

honestly, I've read a few of the books, and the TV series is BETTER - thank goodness for the changes. Tara is an awesome character, and I can't imagine the show without her - likewise, keeping Lafayette is a huge bonus. Some things in the book would just be boring on TV - Alan Ball is a genius.

[Lividity]

Personally I am thrilled that they've veered away from the books. Doing so has already given us the joy that is one very alive Lafayette, one entertaining young vampire Jess and the opportunity to show a pansexual Eric.

I wish it were two hours as well - the show just flies by for me.

[Sarah S]

Umm...I don't think that was really Eric. Why would he need to dye his hair? And I don't think vampires burn from crosses in this series...or Bill would have been scared of the cross at the church when he gave the speech last season. I think there is something else amiss and I can't wait to find out :) :)

[Rosie]

LMAO. Omg...oh and ew. I hate Bill. Such a sleezy (Undead) con-artist. the bastard...and dumb ass Sookie...I don't like how they are straying so god damn far from the books (which are amazing) ugh. I still have to read the most recent one out but I think I can say that the books are 100% better. They should seriously stop and look to the godly books for guidance...oh and wtf is with maryyan (or however u spell it)?? ridiculous. Bring on the werewolves! Bring on the Eric! Bring on the Sammy!! but you can stake the Bill.

[Tara Ratliff]

I was very disappointed with episode 1 season 2 as well. I think the writing was poor, and maybe there was some bad editing decisions. I thought season 1 was perfect, and I was very excited about season 2. I will continue watching, but they better make some changes. I don't care if they stray from the books, but make sure they keep the characters as charming as they were. I was in love with Bill before, and now I feel nothing. Him and Sookie don't seem to have that magic they once possessed, and I think it was all because of the poor dialogue. And what about that red head. She was so funny before, last night she was just lame...

[BiteMeStephen]

I wish True Blood's editing staff would stop that annoying habit of cutting away from a Bill and Sookie scene to that ridiculous story line with Tara and her Mother. No offense to Rutina Wesley, but her story arcs are not that interesting and neither is her character.

Call me weird, but I stopped reading Charlaine Harris' books in their entirety after "Dead In Dallas." I skimmed over the third one and tossed it. And from what I have read on other forums, Harris eventually breaks up Bill and Sookie for good. I guess HBO's newest hot couple is destined to become the "Carrie and Big" of the vampire world.

Your review was hilarious. I had no idea Eric bit the guy's penis off. I TiVoed the show so I will have to go back and watch it again. Here's hoping your reviews become a regular item.

[marissa Ag]

They really ruin it for me because Eric is so grotesque and insane, roaring while getting his highlights, dragging this poor redneck down the stairs for trying to get away. In the books, he doesn't do anything even remotely this mean. He is the one who saved Sookie from Longshadow but the show has Bill doing it. Then Eric has his own dungeon, when the Fellowship of the Sun actually has it; making vampires the REALLY bad guys. This goes completely counter to the wonderful stories that Ms. Harris dreamed up. I am kinda sorry I ever read the books; now I will be disappointed anew every time these 'orny writers dream up more things to gross the viewers out with. Like Jason doing the nasty with EVERY woman in the town; come on, do you really need to show every single second of that disgusting mess?

[Jordan Catalano]

OK, we get it: if you read the books, you're probably not feeling the show. Fine. But for those of us that are fans of the show and haven't read the books, we're sick of the constant comparisons! They are two separate entities and should be treated as such.

Anyway, the season debut definitely rocked my socks off! Sookie and Bill's blood-soaked hook-up at the end of the show was the hottest sex scene I've seen anywhere in years! WOW.

I'm praying that the vamps answers a certain someone's prayers next week--that would be RAD!!

Sorry for being elusive, i just hate playing the spoiler.

And I'm all about 'baby' vamp Jessica--what a babe!!! She should really hook up with Eric.

OK, enough of my obsessing for now! True Blood (the TV show) RULES!!

Fang Bangers unite!!!

[Chris]

I think Season 2 is off to a great start. I've read all nine books and will snap up the 10th as soon as it's published. I think it's okay that HBO is straying from the plot lines of the books. Think about it, if the show were a carbon copy of the books would the true fans even bother? How boring would that be? The show augments the book series and provides a fertile new medium to take inspiration from the books and go its own way. I for one am waiting with baited breath to see how the show twists and turns in directions the book didn't.

[Tonya]

First off......the recap was awesome.......too funny! I was slightly disappointed you did not mention Eric and his highlights.......that was classic!!!

In addition, I have several co-workers who read the book and agrees that the storyline is definitely straying away from the book. Even though it is slightly frustrating if you want the episode to replicate the book......how can you deny the dungeon scene. That scene was totally not in the book! Personally, I have the Stackhouse books and I have not read them yet but honestly, even though I want to...it might jade my viewing experience....and who wants that???? .............................TRUE BLOOD ROCKS!

[Zyklonia Dark]

I LOVED it!! I don't care if it is different from the books, that just makes it more interesting...I love Bill, and I would let him do anything for me, or to me! Can't wait for the rest of this season!!! Loved the foils in Eric's hair lol, I almost died laughing. I would take Bill over Eric any day!

[jonas3333]

Am I the only one who sees Jason doing the dirty with Sarah Newlin in the future? Just sayin' it now...

The MaryAnn storyline has potential, but I hope they keep her interesting instead of turning her into the Big Bad of the season which is where this appears to be heading.

[Ocelot]

Let us remember this simple phrase: "based on." True Blood is based on the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris. What this means is that the books are a template for True Blood, but they aren't the bible for the show. If you want True Blood to be a faithful adaptation of the books, it ain't gonna happen, and you're going to be disappointed--that's just how this works. So, either enjoy the books and skip the show, or enjoy the show as it's presented, based on the books.

As to Ms. Gelt's comments about Eric's attack on the member of the Good 'Ole Boys gang--no, negatory, uh-uh, no way, you did NOT see Eric bite Mr. I-Need-A-Higher-IQ in the genitals. I've reviewed the video a number of times, and Eric is going for the brachial artery in the upper arm, because the redneck's legs are clearly flailing about, and Eric's head is up near his chest, not below the waist. Why would Eric go for that particular artery? Because he's *really* pissed off (you would be too if someone shoved a silver cross into your face; and having to interrupt his frosting session with Pam probably irked him as well), and injury to the brachial artery HURTS really really really really bad due to the nerves that run down the either side of the vessel. The blood is inconsequential: Eric's running on vampire instinct, lashing back with pain for pain. However, once he's bitten the redneck, he has to cover the fang tracks, so off comes the arm (ouch).

I believe this scene reinforces the cold fact that one shouldn't equate Eric Northman as an older Bill Compton from a vampire point of view. Eric was a Viking as a human, and likely lived a bloody and violent life. He has none of Bill's scruples, nor does he hold to any of the human niceties to which Bill still clings. Eric is *vampire*: pure, unadulterated predator. You don't annoy such a being so cavalierly--and live to tell about it.

Poor Sookie. More dead bodies. Welcome to Bon Temps, LA, where Bad Things happen on a regular basis.