‘Nurse Jackie’: Tainted saint

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“Make me good, God … but not yet.”

It’s a rough job following ‘Weeds.’ Nancy Botwin sets the bar pretty high as far as the flawed hero. Many have tried. Fox Mulder bounced from bed to bed across Venice Beach. Then one of Doctor Who’s assistants did a bunch of stuff for money that I’m sure the Time Lord would have frowned on. But Nancy deals drugs to take care of her sons, Hank Moody wants to get his wife and daughter back, and Belle … well, I gotta confess I never really watched ‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl.’

The newest member of the crew is Nurse Jackie, and she spent her first episode showing us she’s just as tainted of a saint as the rest of them.

How many bad things did she accomplish in the first episode?

1) Drug use – 16 grains. One bump. Of what, I’m not entirely sure. That’s what Jackie gives herself to make it through the shift. Kind of hard to fault her. 80-hour weeks. Double shifts. I only work a 7.5-hour day, and I need the 72-ounce Super Jitter coffee to make it through the day.

Verdict: Forgivable.

2) Falsifying damages – Trying to find a silver lining to the dark cloud of the dead bike messenger that rules Nurse Jackie’s day, she forges his name on an organ donor card and rushes the transplant crew into action. If the guy was anything like his two brothers, that might have been the best thing he ever did.

Verdict: Ignorable

3) Sex in the lab – I don’t know if I can condone sex against a box of medicine. That can’t be sanitary. But come on. Edie Falco and Paul Schulze. As Carmela Soprano and Father Phil Intintola they built up enough sexual tension to span a couple of shows.

Verdict: Understandable

4) Stealing money/flushing an ear down the toilet – I’m not even going to pretend that there was anything wrong with this. Stabbing a hooker and then getting off because of diplomatic immunity. I’m surprised that Jackie didn’t send Mel Gibson over to shoot up his aquarium. “It’s just been revoked.”

Verdict: Commendable.

5) Being married – I am so glad I didn’t read any press info before watching the pilot. Oh, and if you haven’t yet watched ‘Nurse Jackie,’ rewind your brain about 30 seconds. Sorry. When she walked down the hallway and slipped on her wedding ring, my heart sank. And then he had made her pancakes. Nurse Jackie, you’re a jerk.

Verdict: Horrible

Jackie said in her intro voice-over that the people who are capable of the most good are also capable of the most evil. We’ll see what she’s capable of next week.

One more thing -- What’s with Dr. “Coop” Cooper’s disorder that makes him react to stressful situations with inappropriate sexual touching? Can I get diagnosed with that? Not so much for the inappropriate sexual touch as the perfect way to get out of stressful situations.

-- Andrew Hanson