‘Harper’s Island’: Get yer scorecards. Can’t tell the victims without a scorecard!

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OK, if I’m going to watch this show, I need a scorecard. They did promise 13 weeks, 25 suspects, 1 killer. That doesn’t seem like a lot until you start to watch.

If you go over to cbs.com and check their ‘Harper’s Island’ page, you can get a list of characters from the bio page. Or you can visit the Pick the Victim page. I liked the Pick the Victim page because it looks like it’ll keep track of who’s dead. You have to register to access it, and the website requires a phone number. What’s up with that? Have fun reaching me at (323) 323-3232, CBS. Remember, that’s my daytime phone number.

On either page, you get photographs of all the show’s characters posed out like Clue suspects. Seriously, I wish they all looked this cool on the show. They should have found a way to include these in the actual episodes. Like as the title cards going in and out of commercial.

It does give us a list to start our scorecard and convenient nicknames:

Abby Mills (The Good Girl) – Our heroine. In the first episode she came off as angsty, outsider girl. Though tonight she got way out angsted and outsidered by Kelly Seaver.

Beth Barrington (The Single Girl) – Um, have we seen her? Whoops.

Cal Vandeusen (The Outsider) – The poor Brit spent most of tonight hanging upside down in the woods. But as the hearing impaired preacher already died in a similar fashion, I knew he was safe. Murderous psychotics strive for originality.

Chloe Carter (The Flirt) – Cal’s gal pal has a little streak of crazy in her too. First chance she got, she ran off to find the grave of John Wakefield (buried apparently just outside the graveyard in the bad dirt, I guess). She’s so into her little limey boyfriend that the advances of other men don’t even register, though she didn’t notice he wasn’t around until the bonfire. Nice.

Christopher Sullivan (The Best Man) – He decided to hit on Chloe ,who’s clearly here with her boyfriend. Great guy. Hope he dies soon.

Danny Brooks (The College Buddy) – Yep. The College Buddy. Not the Black Guy. Why would you even say that?

Henry Dunn (The Groom) – Coming home to a deer head in his bathtub. But who hasn’t had that happen?

Hunter Jennings (The Other Man) – Or as I call him, the Txting Vampire. Even after caught by the bride talking to her father, he’s still lingering out in the woods. Hmmm… a stalker who will break a wedding. And he’s still single. Ladies?

J.D. Dunn (The Black Sheep) – Yeah, when I think ‘Black Sheep,’ I think getting arrested for publicly urinating on the sign for a children’s hospital, not instigating a deer mutilation fight.

Jimmy Mance (The Old Flame) – I like how several times tonight a character basically said “Shane is doing some bad stuff. He needs to be taken care of. I’m going to talk to Jimmy.” Maybe you should go talk to Shane. Jimmy’s just easier because he goes all gaga at any mention of Abby. Part of me says he needs to grow a pair, and part of me completely understands. Ahhhh.

Joel Booth (The Nerd) – Supplies exposition dialogue. Moving up in the world.

Katherine Wellington (The Stepmother) – Sure, whatever.

Kelly Seaver (The Outcast) – Oh, the girl from the jukebox in the first episode is a recurring character… whoops. We have our Victim No. 4.

Lucy Daramour (The Socialite) – Fell in a hole and burned alive. And she’s only Victim 5. Our killer is really setting the bar high right at the beginning. And does her dog Gigi count as a victim? Is she gonna get a cool death too?

Madison Allen (The Flower Girl) – Didn’t make it to this outing. Talking to dead people I guess.

Maggie Krell (The Wedding Planner) – I think she handed off the scavenger hunt items to the preacher before he got whacked. I say she dies before victim 15.

Malcolm Ross (The Hustler) – Still doing his Hurley impersonation, Malcolm showed up to do a one-liner about cartoons.

Nikki Bolton (The Biker Chick) – She poured some drinks, played some tough. Did her job.

Richard Allen (The Brother-in-Law) - MIA

Shane Pierce (The Townie) – Did he really put a deer head in the bathtub? Do you think the Killer would get upset if that gets blamed on him?

Shea Allen (The Maid of Honor) - MIA

Sheriff Charlie Mills (The Sheriff) – Showed up to shine a flashlight on a dead girl and grunt out some questions, and he was still my favorite part of the show.

Thomas Wellington (The Father of the Bride) – Caught in his office with Hunter Jennings telling him he only had four days to stop the wedding, Mr. Wellington started spreading fertilizer like a farmer. “I was telling him to go away. Really.” What kind of idiot would believe that?

Trish Wellington (The Bride) – She believed that.

Uncle Marty Dunn (The Uncle) – Already done. Get it?

Yeah, people are going to have to start dying a lot faster. I’m not going to want to track this many characters every week. Though at the end of the episode there were preview clips from the rest of the series. Looks like some excitement is coming.

My guess for future victims? Well, this week we got the preacher. Not one of our main suspects/possibilities. So I’m saying next week we’ll also lose the organist. Her small, wrinkled body will be shoved into the bench with all the random sheet music. From our list of 25, I’m going to pick Beth or Joel. Let’s see if I’m right.

-- Andrew Hanson