Bravo’s complete schedule, revealed!

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This morning, Bravo had its upfront presentation at the Russian Tea Room in New York. (Why?) It has shows, shows, shows! This is all of them.

New

1. ‘The Fashion Show’
Airs May 7. Hosted by Isaac Mizrahi with Kelly Rowland, ‘Fashion Show’ basically does a finale of ‘Project Runway’ every week, removing all that odious waiting and backstabbing! The punchline is interactivity in that viewers choose the best designer for each challenge.

2. ‘Top Chef Masters’
The spin-off brings in expert chefs and makes them cook under difficult conditions, such as doing dinner for 60 in a college dorm room. Noted food critic and current underemployed person Gael Greene is a judge!

3. ‘Launch My Line’ (formerly known as ‘Celebrity Sew-Off!’)
This matches ‘notables’ with designers to make clothes. It is hosted and/or judged or something by Dan and Dean Caten, the sort of silver fox, hot Canadian twin designers. Andy Cohen, Bravo exec and chief blogger, referred to them as ‘pocket-sized identical twins.’

4. ‘American Artist’
At last, the Magical Elves + Sarah Jessica Parker artist competition show will air! This is a good thing.

5. ‘NYC Prep’
We saw a clip of this real-world ‘Gossip Girl’ show thing. It will do well, probably. It is about young people eating in restaurants and their bad table manners. Also it is about how teenage boys like to get with girls.

6. ‘Miami Social’
What’s to say? This is about seven friends in South Beach, because Bravo execs kept hearing that everyone missed the TV show ‘Friends.’ (When did they hear that? The late ‘90s?) It is the most vapid, foul, awful, self-satisfied group of people ever assembled in the entire world, and it will be a smashing success, even though it is insanely out of touch with the present moment, i.e., the massive, crippling recession and how people actually don’t spend all their time poolside on hotel roofs drinking and being catty and having break-ups and post-break-up sex. These people are just unspeakably God-awful.

7. ‘Chef Academy’
Somewhat inexplicable. This actually seems to be a cooking show, in which a rather good-looking French chef teaches young cooks how to cook things. He is very personable but he is actually frequently subtitled because his French accent is so strong and because everyone thinks Americans are stupid (see above!) and can’t understand an actual French accent.

8. ‘Design Sixx’
This is a show about a husband-wife team who had six (since filming, seven!) children and move into places that they are renovating and designing. I guess it is like ‘Flipping Out’ for the Park Slope set?

9. ‘Double Exposure’
This is a show about two horrible, awful people who take photographs. They used to be a couple but they split up and they bicker unprofessionally on set and are just awful, terrible, rude people. Why anyone would want to watch them is beyond me. (This means big ratings!)

10. ‘Kell On Earth’
Already, in all seriousness, this is the greatest reality show in the history of reality shows. This show is just about fashion publicist Kellly Cutrone, of ‘Hills’ fame, riding roughshod over New York and being a totally domineering, New Age-wonderful crazy person. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

Returning Shows
— ‘The Real Housewives of Every City Imaginable and Some You Can’t Even Imagine.’
— ‘The Rachel Zoe Project.’ (Really? I suppose she has not starved to death yet.)
— ‘Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List,’ Season 5. (‘Kathy has a banging new body,’ said Andy Cohen.)
— ‘Shear Genius,’ Season 3. Which will be hosted in part by Matthew McConaughey’s ‘baby momma.’ (Cohen’s words!)).
— ‘Flipping Out,’ Season 3. Although Jeff Lewis doesn’t flip houses any more! Because there is a recession! As you may have heard! Now the little OCD-psychopath is an interior decorator. I bet this makes him cry at night.
— ‘Inside the Actor’s Studio,’ Season 15. Yes, still on! For the old people.
— ‘Top Chef,’ Season 6, location to be announced, casting complete.

In Development
— ‘The Secret Life of Supermodels’
This show is about the secret life of supermodels? I guess.
— ‘Jackie’s Gym Takeover’
In which Jackie Warner, of ‘Workout’ fame, goes into gyms and mocks the gym owners. Which is surprisingly more funny than you might think.
— Some show about an event planner with a complicated German name.

Scripted
Bravo was super-jazzed to announce they have two scripted series in development. None of the reporters assembled knew why. Reality = cheap and successful. Scripted = expensive and dicey. The two shows included:
— ‘Blueprint’ This is a show about two best friends, one gay and one straight, who are architects in New York! Which basically is a reality show you can find on any corner in Midtown, but okay!
— ’30 Under 30’ This offering is about a bunch of people who were named by someone to be 30 hot up-and-comers under 30 and then what happens to them! Oh, turning 30 is so hard!

Plus! Also!
Andy Cohen is getting his own weekly wrap-up chat kind of show. We don’t quite understand it but we do understand that at last, Andy’s dreams are all coming true!

And Finally
The corporate-speak at this upfront presentation was overwhelming. The normally normal Lauren Zalaznick — whose title is now something like President of Bravo, Oxygen and NBC Universal’s other women’s lifestyle networks — and her team could not have issued more buzzwords about ‘digital’ and ‘interactive’ and ‘laser-focused branding’ and ‘affluencers’ and other things. It is sort of sad. However, it sounds as if the network is doing really well and that’s nice for them! I hope they still talk like normal people when they are in the office.

— Choire Sicha

(Photo: Exec Jeff Zucker (on stage at right) watching ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’ discuss their breast augmentations. Credit: Choire Sicha)