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David Alan Grier parties like it's 1863, thanks to Obama

November 5, 2008 |  9:10 pm

How did David Alan Grier celebrate the election of Barack Obama on Wednesday?

He partied "like it's 1863" on his new Comedy Central show, "Chocolate News."

Grier always opens his sketch comedy show with a monologue in which he implores someone, somewhere, not to lose their d*** minds over something.  On Wednesday's "Landslide Edition," Grier had the following to say:

Holy [expletive], did we just elect Barack Obama "President of the United States?"

I got to be honest, America. I didn't think you had it in you. That is a 7-million vote TKO. You were not playin' around because you just put a black man with a brown name in the White House. Ain't this a [expletive that rhymes with witch] ?

President Barack Obama, mmm, mmm, mmm. Words so sweet they melt in your mouth. Now, I don't know about you, but I got to scream. AAAGH!

I think about all the stories my grandmother told me about being raised in the segregated South, marching as a little boy with the Martin Luther King Jr, I never thought I would live to see this day in my lifetime. (Grier actually choked up during this part.)

It is incredible. To have my own show, here on Comedy Central. I'm excited! And the Obama thing -- that's cool too.

Now, I hate to stick my junk in the jello. But, Barack, you cannot screw this up. This is a once-in-the-millennium opportunity because if you drop the ball, every brother and sister from Memphis to Mozambique will go down faster than Lindsay Lohan at the WNBA All-Star weekend.

So a few suggestions, Barack:

Ignore those parts of your black half that may make you wanna, oh, I don't know, smoke crack with a hooker in a D.C. motel, text message bootie calls to your chief of staff while having a buck-naked stripper party at the Detroit mayoral mansion, or create a show called House of Payne.

And while you're at it, ignore the parts of your white half that make you wanna lie to the country to start a war, watch New Orleans drown because you just don't give a d*** and don't...

(This last part  involved Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky and a cigar and it cannot be printed in a family newspaper.)

Barack Obama, please, I am begging, do not lose your d*** mind!

From there, Grier showcased a special interview with an Obama campaign volunteer named Peanut Wiggins.

Please to enjoy.

-- Maria Elena Fernandez