‘America’s Next Top Model’: The notorious fierce fourteen

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The return of ‘America’s Next Top Model’ is like the return of fall (or summer, or winter or spring): inevitable, and with some, but not much, variation. The beginning is always the most exciting time, when everything is new. We’re still getting to know the girls and are only just getting the first bonk on the head of the personal-strife stories that we’ll be hit with over and over again throughout the season. We haven’t gotten to the uncomfortable acting lessons or the ‘controversial’ shoots or even the makeovers.

The producers have been running out of ideas as to how to kick the new cycles off. Last time around, the girls were enrolled in a ‘Top Model Academy,’ but things got even more gimmicky this season as the girls were sent to a cheaply retro-futuristic facility. There they were in ‘futuristic’ outfits at the Top Model Institute of Technology: ‘Tyrabot’ and ‘Alpha J.’ and ‘Beta J.’ using a ‘scanner’ to determine which models would make it through to the next round: Their fates were recorded in an extremely technological-looking font.

I know that it would be naive of ‘ANTM’ viewers to consider the show anything but a guilty pleasure that happens to be related, tangentially, to fashion and modeling, but at least throughout the years it’s maintained connections to the industry with photographers like Gilles Bensimon or fashion shows for Donatella Versace. Fashion is of course over the top and fun, but this was the cheesiest ‘Top Model’ episode I’ve seen in recent memory.

But was it fun to watch? Of course. Maybe it was because Tyra and Co. seemed to be enjoying the awfulness of the concept: the beaming, the pushing of useless buttons. Maybe it was just the sexy catsuits on the girls.

It probably helped that Tyra Banks packed the cycle with plenty of drama. Elina Ivanova is an in-your-face vegan (the most entertaining kind) who wants to romance Clark Gilmer, a seemingly straight ‘n’ uptight girl who does not approve of Isis, the show’s first transgendered contestant. (Tyra loves to ‘bring the reality.’) There is also a Mormon, and another girl who has had a nondescript rough life, and Sheena Sakai, an Asian girl who I already love a little bit due to all her self-described ‘flava.’ Oh, and there’s also Hannah, a girl who proclaims ‘I’m from Alaska . . .’ on a regular basis, which wouldn’t have seemed that interesting until recently, when it became clear that Alaska is our most scandalous state. Joslyn Pennywell, already a favorite of J. Alexander for her ‘country’ personality, auditioned 30 times. I’m also partial to Marjorie, a French girl who arguably looks the most like a model and who is endearing with her self-aware awkwardness.

Tyra seems like she’ll be providing plenty of fodder for Joel McHale on ‘The Soup’ this cycle, as she just went for broke on all the causes and activities she’d like to prove she’s down with, from English literature to an ‘eco-friendly is fierce!’ bus to the GLBT community to voting. Also, was she wearing sock garters?

I think we all know what to expect this season on ‘Top Model,’ but if the debut episode is anything to go by, it will be a season as fluffy as ever, but no less fun.

--Claire Zulkey

[Photo credit: The CW]