‘Gossip Girl’: It’s complicated

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After a carefree summer in the Hamptons, things get a little more complicated when the ‘Gossip Girl’ gang heads back home to the Upper East Side. Where do I even begin? I tried to count how many squeals I emitted — both from awe at the bitchy lines spilling out of Blair and Gossip Girl’s mouths and from the ever-increasing tangled webs weaved in Monday night’s episode — but there were just too many.

Complication #1: Dan and Serena. After spending the night on the beach together, S awakens, with makeup unrealistically flawless and hair tousled, still confused as to what their status is. She wants more time to think about their relationship while Dan wants to pick up where they left off. A shared Jitney ride back into the city (why didn’t Serena catch a limo ride back with Chuck?) proves that they can’t share the same space without sneaking off to paw each other. After their fourth make-out session, I really couldn’t take it anymore. Get a room! The two never have their proposed ‘talk’ because really, what’s to talk about when you have that much chemistry? I love Dan and Serena, but if their relationship becomes nothing but gratuitous smooching in every episode, I will have to hurt someone.

Complication #2: Nate. Poor Nate. His troubles seem to be piling higher and higher. First, his mother reveals that since his father, who had been charged with embezzlement and fraud, has gone AWOL, the Feds have frozen their accounts and seized their assets. In short, they’re broke. Shaken but determined to stay strong, Nate can’t find a friendly ear to listen to his problems — Chuck is busy, Catherine doesn’t pick up her phone. He turns to Vanessa, who is poised to become the show’s reliable doormat. Need someone to console you after a breakup or after the FBI ransacks your house? Call Vanessa. Need someone to redecorate your gallery while you’re out on tour? Call Vanessa. And what does the girl get? Stood up and left to man an empty cafe-gallery.

But back to Nate. When rich people run out of money, who do they turn to? Their rich friends, of course! Chuck and Catherine lend Nate and his mom a chunk of change, which may seem sweet and generous at first, but I can’t help but wonder what price he’ll have to pay later. If you thought his financial woes were titillating, let’s talk about his personal life. He runs into his secret lover (Catherine) at a party thrown by his ex-girlfriend (Blair), who happens to be dating Catherine’s stepson, Marcus (See? Complicated). The squeal I let out after that awkward exchange paled in comparison to the one that left my mouth when Blair caught Nate frolicking on the library floor with Catherine. We all know Blair is way over Nate, but it left her with the perfect ammo to use in her own drama.

Which leads me to Complication #3: Blair and Marcus. Excited at the prospect of dating royalty but thrown at Marcus’ hesitation to introduce her to his family, Blair is on a mission to prove that she is a worthy consort for the lord. So she does what she does best: throw a party. Of course, Blair proceeds to stick her foot in her mouth, insulting Catherine before realizing she is in fact Marcus’ stepmother, the duchess. Catherine, the judgmental thorn in the side of every girlfriend Marcus has ever had, unleashes her claws and states that her stepson could never be with a ‘lowly Waldorf.’ Ouch. Now you see why Blair’s discovery in the library was oh-so spectacular. The ball is now in B’s court.

Am I the only one that thinks something is fishy with this Marcus guy? There’s something about him that feels disingenuous. Maybe it’s the bad accent or his taste in sport jackets — you can’t trust a teenager who only wears sport jackets.

Looks like the city and the new school year will be ripe for more scandal. How far will Nate go to protect his family name? Will Dan and Serena ever figure things out? And when, oh when, can we be treated to more catty convos between Blair and Catherine?

xoxo

-- Enid Portuguez