‘Dancing With the Stars’: Will Marissa Jaret Winokur’s fans rally again?

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I am not joking when I tell you that last night I had an extended anxiety dream in which I was a contestant on season seven of “Dancing With the Stars.” In this dream, we were getting close to the first performance, and it suddenly dawned on me that everyone I knew would see me humiliated on television, and I stood at the craft-services table, picking at deli meat and trying to figure out if I could somehow bow out, such as by dying. Fortunately, the dream then devolved into the classic anxiety dream of not being able to get where you’re going while taking an exam that you aren’t prepared for naked.

Now, regarding the week nine performances, I’m going to speak to you frankly, America. I’m going to be very disappointed in you if you keep Marissa Jaret Winokur in the race. Yes, I realize that the parenting zeitgeist of the last 20 years does not permit me to criticize you, but we’re adults now, and a little tough love is in order. Sure, she’s improved more than, say, Kristi Yamaguchi, but that’s because Kristi was already really good. And, you know, Kristi deserves some credit for that. Although the judges will no longer give a score lower than an eight, thereby causing the contestants’ scores to end up all stacked together, that doesn’t mean there aren’t big differences. Most Improved is not the same as MVP. I know this because I got the Most Improved trophy in eighth-grade basketball, and, trust me, it wasn’t a compliment.

So where are we after tonight, when each couple drew one ballroom and one Latin dance out of a hat? In first place were Kristi and Mark with 57/60. Just behind them at 56/60 were Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl, and just behind them were Cristián’s new BFF Jason Taylor and Edyta with 55/60. So, you see, the fact that Marissa and Tony earned 52/60 is significant. Sure, it’s just five points behind Kristi and Mark, but those five points should have a multiplier attached to them, like dog years.

For kicks, let’s go in chronological order. Jason and Edyta led off each round tonight: first, the foxtrot, and then the paso doble. In rehearsals, we see Edyta trying to speak to Jason in terms that he’ll understand: football terms. She tells Jason there’s no room for friendship with Cristián, whom Jason lovingly calls “my boy.” Dan Marino weighs in via testosterone-laced video that Jason cannot let himself be beaten by two actors and an ice skater. If Jason doesn’t bring back the mirrored-ball trophy, then he shouldn’t bother coming home. Jason and Edyta’s foxtrot is very elegant and also very pleasing in that it is performed to traditional music. Jason does that insouciant, heel-clicking move that I associate with “Singin’ in the Rain,” whether or not it actually occurred there. I swear I saw some debris sweeping across the floor near the end, but no one commented upon it. Score: 28/30. Their second dance, the paso doble, really did call to mind a bullfight, or perhaps fencing. It was also pleasingly performed to traditional music. The judges compliment the fact that they upped the degree of difficulty, and co-host Samantha Harris asks Jason why people should vote for them. Jason responds that he’ll lower the price of gas, lower taxes, give free healthcare to everyone and end the war. Panderer! Score: 27/30, for a total of 55/60.

Marissa and Tony were next in tonight’s lineup, and they drew the rumba and the quickstep. During rehearsals, Marissa’s new BFF Stacy Keibler comes to help out, and Stacy and Marissa bond over the fact that Tony is totally not sexy to either one of them. Poor Tony! Their quickstep has a little choo-choo conceit at the beginning and end, and while the dance overall was enjoyable (really, I just love the quickstep; it looks so fun!), there was one clear mistake that turns out to have been a missed jété. When judge Bruno pointed that out, the fans booed. Oh, fans. They still get a 26/30. Their second dance, the rumba, was dull. Rumbas are just dull, I think, so that was bad luck. Carrie Ann and Len get into a spat as to whether rumbas are just inherently dull or something. In the end, it’s another 26/30, for a total of 52/60.

Cristián and Cheryl danced third in each round tonight, and they drew the Viennese waltz and –- gasp! -– the samba, which injured Cristián two weeks ago. As insurance, Cristián puts on a sandwich board, and they troll Venice Beach for votes. Their Viennese waltz is, as usual on this show, performed to nauseatingly adapted modern music (in this case, “Satellite” by the Dave Matthews Band). Cristián’s wounded arm looked better this week, but I still felt that he seemed as if he were doing a lot of walking around while Cheryl did the spins. As an aside, does anyone else think that the wardrobe people don’t do Cheryl any favors? I mean, she’s totally ripped, but she has kind of a wide back, and they’re always putting her in those weird mostly backless numbers. Anyway, the judges adored Cristián’s movement, and they give him a 27/30. I thought the dreaded samba was livelier but still not, like, transcendent, but judge Len called it “hotter than a chili pepper,” and judge Carrie Ann likened Cristián to Twinkle Toes himself, Emmitt Smith. They get a 29/30, bringing them to 56/60 for the night.

Kristi and Mark were placed in fourth position tonight, presumably for maximum drama. That worked. They drew the tango and the jive, which had gotten them a perfect score a few weeks ago. To prepare for the tango, they go to a high-level tango class of professional dancers, who give Kristi advice by touching her all over, sort of like the grandmother in “Sixteen Candles.” There was some weird camera work during the performance, but I could still tell it was solid. Len criticized it for being a “little bit hectic.” Bruno and Carrie Ann liked. Score: 29/30. Their jive featured Kristi in a cute bubblegum-pink number, but unfortunately a piece of her hair got stuck to her face for most of the routine. I didn’t love the song – -at all –- but, as usual, the choreography was simply much more challenging than that performed by other pairs. Bruno loved it; Carrie Ann said they were “a hair” out of sync; Len called it “a little stiff.” Um, okay. That was harsher criticism than Marissa got. They do still get a 28/30, for a total of 57/60.

There was a little bit of filler tonight in which Len goes to each couple to give them some advice and a move that they have to use in their routines. It was mildly amusing, mostly to see Len being good-natured.

Tuesday night, there really will be a dance choreographed in tribute to “Thriller.” And the dancing kids will be back and a champion crowned. See you after the show.

-- Sarah Rogers