'Dancing With the Stars': Music malfunctions, conspiracy theories

Like many Americans, I find that these are troubling times. My confidence as a consumer is at an all-time low. Conspiracy theories seem more and more appealing. I just want someone to blame.

So maybe this is why I want to know who’s to blame for the music on “Dancing with the Stars,” since I don’t think it’s the stars. I think that only one or two of the Week 5 dances were performed to appropriate music. And what is appropriate music? Well, as with art or pornography, I know it when I encounter it, and the music this week was more like what I’d hear at the dentist’s office. Also, I consider myself something of an expert on the rumba and the samba, as these were both buttons that I could press on the keyboard I had in the mid-1980s.

I’m beginning to adopt broader conspiracy theories as well. For example, I suspect the judges of inflating the scores of the other contestants so that Kristi Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to be running completely away with it. I know, I know –- sounds crazy, doesn’t it? More on this in a moment. Let’s get on with this week’s dances.

The opening of the show promised us the “sexiest night of competition,” and indeed, when we see the stars take the stage, we see an even-larger-than-usual number of midriffs and bare chests. (I sometimes want to blame the wardrobe department too.) But despite this alluring teaser, I wouldn’t call this week’s performances overly sexy, though the stars are clearly losing weight. Many of the rumbas were slow to the point of ennui, and for some reason the chemistry seemed off in many of the couples. The standouts were, once again, Kristi and Mark, who scored another 29/30. Mario and Karina staged something of a comeback, tying Jason Taylor and Edyta for second place this week (each with 27/30).

While I expected Priscilla Presley and Louis (who bears something of a resemblance to Spencer Pratt of “The Hills” in the jaw, if not the worldview) to mount a formidable challenge after last week’s disappointing results, they didn’t come through. They missed a turn, and the judges commented on their rumba’s “lack of spontaneity,” which, frankly, could reasonably be translated as “tedious.” (Kudos to Priscilla for doing the splits, however). Score: 21/30. They seem the most likely to get the ax this week, fans, though I’m interested in hearing about convoluted alternative scenarios that could result in their staying (i.e., conspiracy theories).

Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony would seem to be the other couple most likely to land in the dreaded, red-lighted bottom two in the results show, but they performed a solid samba this week. The judges actually liked it better than their paso doble last week, but they’d kind of painted themselves into a corner by dispensing all those eights, so they gave eights again this week despite much more laudatory comments. Len says something about their samba having more “bounce to the ounce.” Score: 24/30, solidly ahead of Priscilla and Louis, and we know Marissa has some devoted fans out there. As an aside, there was an amusing bit in the practice scenes where, in order to feel the Brazilian spirit, Marissa goes about her daily life in a massive Carnival headdress.

The big disappointment this week was Shannon Elizabeth and Derek. Well, I should say that the judges were disappointed by their samba, though I thought it was quite entertaining and well done. So did the two people I was watching it with, and isn’t that a statistically valid sample size? Maybe we were just entranced by Shannon’s leggy good looks and tiny, sparkly costume, as if we were magpies. It really seemed as if they were going all out –- there were lots of nifty moves by Shannon -– but the judges cited a lack of hip action and imperfect timing.

Shannon looks totally crushed while she receives the feedback. Score: 23/30. Also, I thought this was a joke at first (since last week Derek was knocked out of rehearsals by a sprained neck or something), but we learn that Derek had food poisoning and was hospitalized earlier in the day. Since Derek is the youngest pro and ought to be healthy, we can only assume someone (perhaps even a cabal) is out to get him. I look forward to next week, when Derek will be recovering from slashed tires or a letter bomb. (FBI, please note that I am joking.)

The best part of Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl’s segment this week was when, in the practice scenes, we see Cheryl tell Cristián that the rumba is passionate but soft, and she encourages him to think of it as a seduction scene in a movie. We then cut to a fake seduction scene in a movie, which I just tried to write out in a way that would do justice to it, but I utterly failed, so if you’ve got it on your DVR, just skip to that part. Their rumba is another one that’s just kind of, well, yawn. It almost seems as if he’s not really doing anything, and Cheryl’s movements can be so sharp that it just doesn’t seem to hold together in either movement or chemistry. Len calls it “competent, not fantastic,” though “not gruesome.” Bruno suggests that they “caress the floor” during the walks. Score: 23/30.

Marlee Matlin and Fabian start out the week going to Guadalajara to get deaf children fitted with hearing aids. I admit to getting a tear or 20 in my eye as we watched children get hearing aids and hear their mothers’ voices for the first time. Wow. We then cut to the practice scenes, where Fabian tells us that the samba is probably the hardest dance for if you can’t hear the rhythm, and their performance does suffer. There were multiple errors, including a pretty major one at the beginning that caused Fabian to grimace almost angrily as he tried to get Marlee on the right track. To her credit, she didn’t quit. I would have, but only after I had vomited from shame. She also looked quite good in her little red number –- really, these stars are firming up admirably. To my great pleasure, they did dance to a normal samba song. Score: 22/30, which may have even been a bit generous, given the overt errors.

The most noteworthy things to me about Jason and Edyta’s rumba this week were, first, that Jason appeared to be wearing business casual, in stark contrast to everyone else’s lounge-act attire, and, two, that the judges’ comments were again so adulatory. That’s not to say it wasn’t a good dance -– it was certainly solid –- but it was another rumba where the man didn’t seem to do much. It was particularly stark in this case, since when Jason was standing still, Edyta was doing some really crazy contortionist stuff. Len tells them to tone that down, but he, like, Bruno and Carrie Ann, thinks it was very strong. They do temper their actual scores, however, and give a 27/30, down a bit from last week’s 29.

This week, Mario seeks counsel from Stevie Wonder (future "DWTS" contestant?) to get himself back in the game. Stevie tells him to follow “the incredibleness of his singing.” And he did do a very good job in the samba, although (attention, wardrobe people) the low-riding/yellow-ostrich thing (no other way to describe it) on Karina was so distracting that I forgot to look at Mario for about half of the dance and had to rewind. He looked calmer, I would say, and the dance was clean. It was performed to “A Tisket A Tasket,” which may not have been strictly samba music but was acceptable to me and my fellow viewers. Score: 27/30. 

Finally, Kristi and Mark nailed it again. They made me realize that the rumba could be engaging instead of sedate. In rehearsals, Kristi tells Mark that she wants them to take on alter-egos in order to step into the world of the dance, which Mark describes as “a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” She chooses the alter-ego Mercutio for him. Mark, who apparently does not read Shakespeare, assigns her the name Kristiana. In a charming scene, Kristi’s husband and two cute daughters come to watch her practice. Their performance contains lots of spins by Kristi and some solid acting. Mark unclips her hair early in the dance, and Kristi works the loose hair for the rest of the performance. Bruno refers to her as Kristi Yamilicious. How long had he been sitting on that, do you think? Score: 29/30.

Tuesday night: James Blunt and some more dancing kids. See you after the show.

-- Sarah Rogers

(Photo Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska courtesy ABC)

Comments

[sharon strand]

Thank you for having the backbone to write the article on plastic surgery.. It's as if no one wants to offend these people who make us so uncomfortable to watch. One of the judges said Prisilla was so beautiful and showed so much expression. She couldn't show expression if she were walking on hot coals, and she is not alone.. Thanks again for your views on the subject of really bad whatever they do to their faces. My husband and I always wondered if we were the only two people that were disturbed. Thank God we are not alone.

[Jtbwriter]

You nailed it right on-Priscilla "Muppet face" Presley (so named because her over-worked face looks like a mask!) has to go-otherwise this show is a joke! Well, okay, it was a joke to have Marie Osmond in the finals last year, but I digress.

She looked terrible and I feel sorry for Louis getting stuck with this stiff! Like Jonathan, he deserves a better partner. Kristi and Mark are the front runners-but I think Shannon and Derek should have gotten better marks. But did you or anyone else see Wikipedia's entry from last night basically saying Marissa and Tony are the couple to go ? Either someone has a crystal ball or all is not right in DWTS land!

[Rick]

I would agree with the author that the music on this show is getting more strange with each passing season, as though the library of relevant tunes has been completely used up. It certainly seems makes it difficult for the couples and now the fans. Time for a return to some basics!!! RC

[jozielee]

Kristi and Mark are excellent, but this week Mario and Karina were much better. Karina is always top rate, but in season's past she's been slighted in the scoring department. Looks like it may happen again this year. Karina's an inventive choreographer, and she's got a partner who's on fire to win, so we'll see.

Sad to say it looks like Priscilla may go home. However, she is Rock and Roll royalty and that alone could save her. The competition is too talented to let someone slide by on reputation over talent, but it could happen for Marlee Maitlin too. It's difficult to dance when you can't hear the music, but is would be unfair to favor her over Marissa.

Marissa shook her can-cans this week. At last she means business. Like Sabrina last season Marissa may come out and blow us away. She may be holding onto a little light that's dying to shine. Better let it glow next week.

Shannon. Hmm. Her shocked face at the judges' criticism showed that she had no idea how bad she was. Her arms and hands were ungraceful. No hip action. She's just too long for Derek. If Derek is injured he may not be able to continue the season. Would be interesting to see her transferred to Jonathan Roberts. Of course if she's voted off tonight the point is moot.

Christian. Love him. So sexy. Yum. Love that he appeals in Spanish for the Hispanic vote. Hahaha. He has no shame!

And Jason, what can I say. A few seasons ago Len told Edyta to stop the gymnastics. I thought she was cured. The fact that she brought it back this season signaled her partner wasn't too sure of his steps. Then why was he scored so high? Looks won't win the competition.

Who'll go home tonight? Next week the schedule changes to 2 dances per night. Therefore, Marlee should go home tonight. She'll never learn two dances in one week. If we're judging by score, Priscilla should go, but I doubt Elvis fans are willing to say goodbye this soon.

[cherie]

How in the world can you say Shannon had a good dance? Go back and watch again -- she looked like if she took her eyes off Derek she'd lose her place (Uh, and guess what...), and toward the middle end she was flapping her arms wildly out of synch. It was horrible.

Who knows who exactly will go tonight, but it seems like the next group to head out will be (in no particular order): Priscilla, Marissa, Marlee and Christian.

p.s. Was it just me, or did it seem like Jason was sporting his, er, manhood throughout the dance?

[Filipinos]

You were right Sarah regarding Kristi and Mark which as usual were great! and delaburke being BORING, They both seem to be somewhere else but not together in steps, thoughts, actions-they appear to be 'acting' but in a phony way...you're right jozielee, de la has no shame, no class either.

[jozielee]

But can Christian dance, Filipinos? I like him and don't understand his low scores.

Cherie: About Jason's manhood. HAHAHA. Couldn't take my eyes off . . . him. And maybe that's the point. I saw this happen to another dancer a few years ago. And I could be wrong, but that subliminal nudge eventually won him the championship. I'm not saying it was intentional. Mother nature has her way of hiding during costume fittings, but coming out on show night? Hahaha. Loved it.

[Alyssa]

What's with the title of your article? Why weren't we treated to Music malfunctions and conspiracy theories? What a waste of a read.

I get all of my recaps at http://www.starsdancingontv.com.

I came here to read about music malfunctions and conspiracy theories and get a plain ole recap. So, what about the music malfunctions and conspiracy theories? Inquiring Minds Want to Know.

[filipinos]

jozielee-NO cristian can't dance and burke for some reason is not doing her best, she's been better than this. there's something missing in their routines, maybe they are trying to out do each other since both of them are camera seekers and arrogant, conceited, etc. that could have a lot to do with it. KRISTI, Jason, Marlee, and Mario are trying so hard and it shows on the dance floor. cristian is more talk than action and it shows on the dance floor. the fanbase is terrible for the both of them for an array of reasons, and that's going to hurt them more unless they really get busy and progress, we see them going home soon...

[ebraham keinz]

please show by music,how to start learning doifferent kind of dancing