‘The Hills’: We’re loving Heidi ... just don’t call her a ‘feminist hero’
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It’s back and here‘s the score: So far, Heidi is our Brenda Walsh, our Marisa Cooper, our peroxide-blond, big-boobed Joey Potter in this softly lit pseudo-reality show. Back on her Colorado home turf with mom and stepdad, her ice-cold glares alone gave Spencer the heave ho, sending him back to L.A. with no promises.
We have to hand it to Team Speidi: They are prime prime-time viewing, even when their relationship woes are already months old. (We don’t, however, view the “Higher” songstress as a “kind of feminist hero.” She is, after all, Still. With. Spencer.)
Lauren burned a ball gown (so not as exciting as it sounds), cried about it, and dissed a charming, albeit much older Frenchman. A French guitarist who would no doubt send Brody crying to Daddy Jenner for reinforcements. Team L this week stands for “lame.”
Paris, meanwhile, got the short shrift! Lauren’s weeklong stint as Teen Vogue whipping girl gave us glamour shots of the Eiffel Tower and little else to see besides the insides of hotels and nightclubs. (At least we know she and Whitney got tired of grunt work. We’re getting tired of watching it.)
Still, Speidi’s on the outs. Brody’s about to get it. It’s all good.
Here’s Monday night’s play-by-play:
Paris: Stephan, Whitney and Lauren’s eager chauffeur pick up the girls from the airport and set the scene: “So we are in Paris. It’s a new world before you. Everything is different. It’s up to you to see.”
Colorado: Heidi and mom hit the slopes. Mom takes the opportunity to knock Spencer. Go mom!
LA: A forlorn Spencer’s turned the apartment into a bachelor pad. Cue the She-Pratt to get the recap: “Spencer! Your place is disgusting. What happened?’ She-Pratt looks shocked to learn Heidi’s left. She must’ve forgotten all about ratting out Heidi’s feelings about the wedding, the very thing that caused her to eventually leave town. The She-Pratt’s earnest get-her-back advice to Spencer: “I guess it’s just like you could write a list of everything you’ve done and do the exact opposite.”
Paris: Girls plan 20-minute showers. Zzz…zzz….
Colorado: Spencer lands in snowy Colorado and is greeted by Heidi’s surprised stepdad, who explains how it is. “Heidi comes first,” buddy.
Paris: We meet busy Senior Teen Vogue Editor Kimball No-Last-Name. He looks like he doesn’t like Lauren, Whitney and their camera crew. Audrina calls Lauren and drops a bomb: Brody’s got a girlfriend -- and just two days later! Whitney plans the assault: “We can find boyfriends in two days. If he can do it so we can we! I’m sure Paris is full of boys that are cooler than Brody.” Understatement of the year.
Colorado: Heidi’s not happy to see Spencer. First words: “What are you doing here?”
Paris: Some older Parisian musicians spot their prey: “Lauren, ‘ave you seen zee Eiffel Tow-her?”… Eef we go we ‘ave to buy a bottle of champagne.”
Colorado: Heidi and Spencer do dinner with her parents. She offers a toast: “To my parents, who have always loved and supported me. (Glances at Spencer.) And that’s about it. Cheers! … (To -Spencer) Planning on staying long?”
And Heidi doesn‘t let up. “What were you saying Mom about if you really cared about my needs, you’d respect the space … what were you saying about that earlier?”
Paris: At club Neo, French guitar player Matthias, competes for Lauren’s attention. Just when it looks like he’s given up, he chases her outside. He wants to take her on a tour of Paris, even if all he got for his mad dash was a tight hug.
Colorado: Heidi makes a confession. “I want my friends back.” Spencer pours it on thick. “All you do is just keep stabbing me. Why don’t you just break up with me?” She’d rather just have him move out.
Paris: Next morning, Lauren burns her gown with the curling iron and gets a new one without hassle. Zzz…zzz…The girls work a debutante ball where Whitney admits to Kimball No-Last-Name she isn’t happy with her job. Lauren gets whisked away by Matthias for a ride around Paris, which we see about 10 seconds of. She rewards him with …another hug. Zzz….zzz… She’s just not that into you, Matthias.
Colorado: Heidi sends Spencer back to L.A. and remains resolute. “I appreciate the effort … I’ll call you when I get back.”
Hankering for more, right? We suggest re-watching the trailer.
-- Denise Martin