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‘Dancing with the Stars’: The Men

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Wow. After that premiere, all I can say is that I want whatever happy pills Steve Guttenberg is taking. This must be the happiest man alive -– the only things coming out of his mouth are smiles, compliments, statements of cheerful perseverance, and exclamations of glee. No wonder they put him last.

America needs a spark of optimism amid all of the tumult in, well, everything. After Steve and Anna performed a somewhat awkward (but happy!) foxtrot, judge Carrie Ann summarized the dance, Steve, and his entire career in two sentences: “I thought it was adorable. There’s something very charming about you.” Watch for Steve to be a crowd favorite despite a lack of technical skills. The only question will be how he’ll transform his eventual elimination into a story of hope and inspiration, because there’s no question that he will. Eliot Spitzer could have used Steve on his team last week. Score: 18/30.

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I think we can also categorize NFL player Jason Taylor as an optimist, although his sunniness seemed somewhat more forced than Steve’s. His partner, Edyta, characterized Jason as “sexy and super-athletic” but “a little shy and worried about not seeming macho.” Yeah, you kind of get that sense after the third or fourth time you hear Jason point out that it takes a strong and confident man to take up ballroom dancing. In the practice scenes, Jason looks quite promising: graceful, poised and engaged. During the foxtrot performance, however, his excellent posture made him come across as a bit stiff, and the judges commented upon this, though not before judge Len pointed out that Jason is a “very good-looking guy.” Empirically, this is hard to dispute. Score: 22/30.

The remaining four contestants neatly sorted themselves into two other categories: the self-deprecators (Penn Jillette, Adam Carolla) and the seducers (Mario, Cristián de la Fuente). Penn is a big dude, and he turns out not to be one of those big, graceful dudes. There was a pretty good setup/payoff in the editing, however: In the rehearsals for their cha-cha-cha, we see Penn trying (and failing) to slide across the floor through Kym’s straddled legs, but then he performs this trick quite adeptly in the actual competition. Aside from that, though, his moves need work, though Teller nodded approvingly and unconditionally from the audience. Score: 16/30.

Joining Penn in adopting self-deprecation in an attempt to stave off elimination was comedian Adam Carolla. It seems clear that Julianne was assigned to him to ensure that she won’t three-peat. Still, I give him credit for his quips, which were markedly better than Penn’s. Adam asks Julianne to show him a dance well suited for those with “rolled shoulders and low self-esteem.” She suggests that he channel his energy from his mouth to his feet. Their foxtrot was notable in that Julianne was wearing more clothes than the female pros who had gone before them, but as judge Bruno put it: “The foxtrot is George Clooney; you were Will Ferrell with a little John Cleese thrown in.” Score: 15/30.
Now, the seducers. Oh, the seducers. First, Cristían, paired with Cheryl, overtly plays the seducer angle. Like, when Cheryl asks if he’s danced before, he says, “Only as a tool of seduction.” He does go in for a bit of hedging, however, by saying that Chile is not known for its dancing but rather for “Chilean sea bass and wine.” Fun fact: the Chilean sea bass is really called the Patagonian toothfish. Cheryl tries to get Cristián to loosen his hips. He manages to do so, but the judges say that his posture in their cha-cha-cha could use work and that he’s too hunched over. Frankly, I hadn’t really noticed it, but now that I re-watched it on TiVo, I see their point. I’m kind of a DWTS naïf. Bruno says something along the lines of “you have to bang as hard she does.” Whatever that means, it translates into a score of 21/30.

Finally, let’s talk about Mario. At 21, he is the youngest contestant on the show. Ever, I think. And he definitely has the most raw talent of the men. Now, if I’d only seen the rehearsal scenes, I might have categorized him as an optimist since he pays a great deal of lip service to putting a good-faith effort into this wonderful opportunity, but once you see the performance of the cha-cha itself, you cannot help but realize that he is a seducer. Maybe it was the nimble hip-thrusting and apparent nibbling that gave it away. He’s good -– really good. The editors tried to insert some drama into the rehearsal scenes when Karina has to go get a herniated disc in her neck fixed, but she seems no worse for the wear now. The judges go wild. Score: 24/30.

The show ends with some taped trash-talking and some live giggling from the women. Samantha Harris still has ripped shoulders. There’s no elimination this week; instead, scores from this week will be added to those received next week, and then, as they do on The Bachelor,’ some contestants will have to start saying their goodbyes.

Tomorrow night: the women.

--Sarah Rogers

(Photo courtesy ABC)

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