Triumph: ‘Those strike rules were a hoot’

Today we had a great victory! My name is Michael Moore! C’mon folks, we did have a good day today. I think there’s good reason to celebrate. We have an agreement that we can pretend we’re happy with. No, we have an excellent agreement. And what better way to celebrate than with the most scaled-down [expletive] award ceremony ever? Who needs Rita Moreno? Who needs to sit? Who needs food? You can drink free Sierra Mist at the bar. That’s right, those are the perks of being in the WGA –- this is why you didn’t go fi-core, ladies and gentlemen! John Ridley is shaking right now. No Sierra Mist for John Ridley! I’m told the agreement was met with some controversy, but I believe that the overwhelming majority of the guild is relieved to stop striking and getting back to being out of work. We had to get an agreement today. We had to. There was too much public outcry. At the end of the day, we had to end the strike to get all the ugly writers off of YouTube. By the way, if you don’t like any of these jokes, I didn’t write them because of the strike. But fortunately Jay Leno was nice enough to give me some. How does he do it? He runs them by Mavis at 3 in the morning! How about our negotiating committee? Where’s their award? It couldn’t have been easy for them, representing this freak show. Patric Verrone, John Bowman -- you know what people don’t know about these people? That they’re great comedy writers. They are tremendous comedy writers. They’ve written hilarious material like ‘Futurama’ and ‘In Living Color’ and -- the Writers Guild strike rules! The strike rules, ha, prohibit all the writing, ho ho, by any guild member that would be performed on-air by that member, ah ha ha ha, including monologues! Oh ho ho! I can’t take it! It’s too funny! Oh ho ho ho! The strike rules!

By the way, I want to say, you know, Jay Leno wasn’t the only one to make a mockery of these rules. All the talk show hosts did, except my man, Conan O’Brien! Conan O’Brien went out there with no material and sucked harder than ever before! Actually, he was pretty good, but if I say that Jeff Zucker will fire half the writing staff. Jimmy Kimmel also didn’t write. But Jimmy took it a step further: He didn’t write before the strike. That’s how loyal he is! I want to say to the hyphenates, I hope you did the right thing. I hope you sat out this strike. You’re not special. I hope you did what the rest of us did: stayed home and wrote your spec screenplay. Pencils down! Ha ha ha! Another gem from Bowman and Verrone! Pencils down! Oh ho ho! You’re killing me! Seriously, I spent time on the picket line. I learned a lot. Not until you hang out with these writers do you realize how much [expletive] there is on TV. “You write for ‘Reba’? That’s terrific!” Ladies and gentlemen, what a powerful statement: No “According to Jim” until this strike is over! Now I know why the public was in favor of this strike. It’s been a great experience, though. I think what I’ll miss most are the e-mails from the WGA. The themes, e-mails with the themes! Hey, it’s Wednesday and we’re picketing Sony, it’s Hawaiian Day! Take your uncle to the picket day! Take your dignity to the sewer day! Let’s dress up in prom outfits! I know a few wardrobe people from my show who don’t despise us yet. I think the hardest part for all of us being out of work has been Tom Fontana’s updates. Tom, I love you. He’s a great man. But seriously, I’m going to start charging you rent for the space you’ve taken up in my spam folder. “Hey everybody, it’s Tom! It’s Tuesday! Let’s take a photo of us posing with our awards!” That’ll send a message to those arrogant [expletive] that we’re … arrogant nerds. Did I mention that I keed? I think tonight we’re making a powerful statement by renting the same theater as before but not having chairs. Standing up and milling around sends a message that we’re not afraid to network indoors, as well as outdoors! And we will keep networking until we have a deal we can be proud of! Thank you!