Assistants send a memo

Here's a mock letter from the assistants' tracking board -- an internal industry messaging system on which assistants track projects, gossip and everything in between -- that's making the rounds in Hollywood:

Dear Writer on Strike:

Hi, it's me Assistant. The faceless voice you used to speak to every week. I'm pretty sure you don't have my name down, but that's ok, I know It's my Evil Studio Executive boss's name that is important. Anyway, I saw you this morning in your red shirt outside my office and it got me thinking about the times we shared together. I mean, even though we have never had a real face to face conversation, you have had a pretty big impact on my career and now, on my life.

I remember the first time I heard your voice, it was your answering machine, but still, it was the voice of a person I professionally admired. I left a message & I remember thinking my favorite writer has my voice on their home machine. When you did call back, I connected you to my boss and I listened on mute as I hung on your every word. Remember when Evil Studio Executive said "Assistant send writer the script" and I replied "Of course" like a voice from the heavens?

Remember how you jumped a little and said you were spooked? You thought you were on that call alone.... that was a funny moment wasn't it writer? I'm on all the calls you have with Evil Studio Executive. I take notes, write down dates & numbers and make sure that anything Evil Studio Executive offers to you, you get without him having to ask me. I remember calling you back to get your address so I could send that script to you. At the end of the call you said, "thank you Kassistant." I didn't have the courage to tell you my name is actually "Assistant", but I didn't mind, I was talking to one of the people who inspired me to be where I am today. So I printed the script, and I bound the script and I drafted a cover letter. I remember bringing the letter to Evil Studio Executive to sign and he called me a "stupid [expletive]" because I forgot to CC your agent. It hurt my ego a little but it was ok, this is what I put up with in order to work with creative genius like you. I called the courier and pulled up the writers list and changed your status from "interested" to "reading."

From then on, you became a bigger part of my working day. Soon I was coordinating meetings with you and the Evil Executive and even some Greedy Producers. I walked you from lobbies, to conference rooms and offices. I brought you water and I brought you coffee.

I ordered your lunch when you had to meet here anytime between the hours of 12:30-2:00pm. I would call and apologize when we had to cancel meeting last minute.

Remember how frustrated I would get when you didn't have a drive-on at the studio gate, after I swore I called it in twice? That was so funny.

Next thing you knew, I threw away the writer list I updated five times a day as you had been the chosen one to work on our project. Boy was I excited. I remember eagerly awaiting your first draft because I wanted to see what you applied. At least 50 hours of my time on the phone was spent discussing some aspect of you. I would listen in on conference calls with you pitching ideas and the evil executive saying it wouldn't work.... I even more fondly remember your agent asking me where your "[Expletive] commencement check" was after I had referred his assistant to business affairs for the third time. I mean, really writer, doesn't he know that I don't cut the check myself… silly agent. I won't accumulate that amount of money for at least two years.

Anyway, I remember when the 1st draft of your script was delivered. It was around 9:30pm on a Friday night.

As soon as it hit my inbox, I printed 7 copies (For Evil executives, greedy producers, your agent, your manager, and some extras for you because you don't have that much toner & paper at home). I bound the copies, stuffed them in envelopes, printed out the fancy labels. I personally drove them to everyone's houses because courier costs are more expensive after hours… I don't think I ever told you this, but I was a little bummed that I had to miss a birthday dinner that night. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, that was a sacrifice I was willing to make in order to be a proactive member of the studio system. I never did get reimbursed for gas as I don't have an expense account.

Anyway, after that bundle of paper arrived the cycle continued. I arranged meetings, conference call ports, sent your script to other agents for talent to read…soon we were on to draft 2.

Only, there is no 2nd draft.

I'm really bummed about that. I was really looking forward to seeing if any of the notes I had given to Evil Studio Executive would be poached and passed off as his own and implemented into your script. (It's fine writer, I don't mind, as long as I know in my heart who was responsible, it doesn't matter who gets the credit). The thing is, I now have a lot more free time to try to read your script. Due to your strike, all my overtime has been eliminated. This basically translates into about a 50% pay cut. I did the numbers, I will be taking home about $400 a week -- I may have to quit or try to find a second job. I guess it's not so bad writer, my friend who just graduated, who works in the story department for $13 an hour, she actually got fired. And I have another friend, who is a reader (I think he did coverage on your script), well, he was also given the axe. It [stinks,] but, we know how it goes. We are the little guys, the ones at the bottom of the totem pole who suffer. I guess I should be happy that the evil executive is ok right?

Well writer we may not get to speak again so I just wanted to thank you for inspiring me to go to film school, & inspiring me to aggressively fight for a minumim wage assistant job, and inspiring me to put up with demoralizing and abusive people. I really did it all because working with creative and smart people like you, was the real payment -- not the crappy paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for my decision to be an assistant, I just think it's ironic that the writer who inspired me to be proactive in the business is turning to be the one responsible for my departure. I know you are fighting for what you believe is right, but just know that the longer you stand out there, more people like me, are left jobless, confused, and somewhat let down by their creative motivators. I mean writer, think of all the good times we had together, we can still have those back!

I still respect you, I still admire you and you will always be my favorite writer. I hope you get what you are fighting for and I hope it's worth it.

Love always

Assistant

PS-- I saw you chumming it up with Katherine Heigl as I left the lot. That was really sweet of her to bring you Sprinkles…doesn't she make something like 100k an episode?

PSS-- I'm the one who ordered and delivered the Fred Segal basket for your first born, just thought you should know since your thank you card was addressed to the Evil one."

Comments

[Housefrau]

This is funny. But I am continually frustrated how "the strike" is spun as something the writers chose to do. The fact is, the WGA had no choice but to strike. The day before the strike, the WGA withdrew their demand for a DVD increase. The WGA had been assured through the "backchannels" that this would cause the studios to give some ground on the internet and would avoid a strike. In the event, the studios gave virtually zero ground. The studios forced this strike. Assistant should send this letter to her own "Evil Studio Executive" boss.

[Brett and co.]

what a rageful shill -- clearly this turgidly dull posting was guided by the evil boss -- love to see what he types about his boss behind his back

p.s. did you PAY for that gift basket? were you being PAID at the time you delivered? are you rageful because you think you should be paid MORE? without supporting the talent - writers, performers, directors - there is no business and therefore you have no job -- not even the one you clearly hate right now.

[DA in LA]

This kind of crap makes me feel less sorry for them. We all started out doing awful jobs and worked our way up. That is how the system works - in EVERY business.

And now you're blaming the writer for losing your job? If two men fight and Man #1 goes and punches Man #2's child, who do you blame? Man #1 for fighting.

Give me a break.

[MorbidlyAmused]

Well, unless there was some sort of writer-seeking missile involved if the strike didn't happen, that was a choice. It may have been a good choice, it may have been a bad choice, but it was undoubtedly a choice. It may have been a noble and brave choice, it may have been a selfish and irresponsible choice, but it distinctly was not a draft or robbery at gunpoint. Personally, when the strike is portrayed as anything other than a choice, I lose a little respect for the whole thing. Trust me, I know my opinion doesn't count here, but I think the idea of being forced and herded into a strike is fairly oxymoronic; but then, I view the concept of unions striking as groups of people making their own choices. As an aside, what wouldn't happen but would be hysterically funny would be if everything settled down, the writers went back to work, and all the assistants, grips, electricians, camera operators, craft services, and so forth walked out until they got those blasted expense accounts for gas.

[Evelyn Vaughn]

While this is mildly amusing, it's also WAY off base. It would be more apt if she found that she still had to do overtime, but would no longer get paid for it... unless her contract was renegotiated.

Why do people blame the writers for the strike? They had three choices: 1) Put up with a new contract that reverses the precedent of residuals, and thus lose that standard percentage (of PROFIT, only if there's PROFIT) for writers from now on. Or, 2) Quit, and leave the shows THEY created in the hands of people who don't understand the characters, tones, and extended arcs--not to mention making no difference for future writers at all. Or, 3) Strike.

They went on strike. Good for them. Assistant needs to recognize that other people owe her respect (which she should have demanded long ago) and fair treatment. Other people do NOT owe her the gutting of their own profession.

[sidelined]

Dear assistant. If you existed and were a real assistant you would probably have a few friends who were struggling poor WGA members, as you would likely be a struggling actor/writer/agent in training yourself. Like the rest of us who come to LA. Get real.
"Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for my decision to be an assistant, I just think it's ironic that the writer who inspired me to be proactive in the business is turning to be the one responsible for my departure." Yeah right. Because that tiny paycheck was coming straight from the writer. Oh so funny. Let's drag that tired "all screen/tv/writers are rich and don't care that regular folk are getting fired" story out there one more time. Woo hoo! Newsflash - most writers WERE assistants/readers/story editors while breaking in. They know EXACTLY how much those jobs pay. Writers didn't fire anyone. Management did, the same people who will not give the WGA a fair contract. Look at your corporate studio boss - HE let you go because of 4 cents.

And really - who has the answering machine in your sweet little story and who has the assistant? So who has the money? Not most writers. But I thought they were all rich?!

Try again, this time with feelings.

[Fireboy]

Love it. Anyone who has walked passed an assistants desk while they scan YouTube, flip through the trades and text their friends will certainly feel the pain of you losing that job. Especially those of us who wait by the phone for calls that are never returned, get fired on a whim from projects we spent years writing in our garages while holding down a second (or third) job at a video store, and arriving for meetings that have been cancelled because the Exec was "Pulled into a Notes Meeting". If you admire us so much, you should try doing what we do instead of "dreaming". Try real work: writing.

[Simply Kimberly]

It looks to me like Evil Studio Executive is trying their hand at writing.

Stop the greed and pay the writers fairly!

[The Duke]

It makes me laugh to read the indignant responses of striking WGA members as they constantly try to justify their actions (and yes, I believe they're striking for a good cause) when it clearly puts so many other people out of work. There seems to be little or no sympathy in the eyes of so many writers — working or otherwise — for the pain their actions have caused. This snotty, entitled attitude has to stop and fast or they're going to find that the ones who would otherwise get their backs (the crews, the assistants, etc.) in this crisis are going to rapidly turn against them and their cause.

Also, I'm getting tired of the phrase "we had no choice but to strike." If the WGA had pushed the strike for a single week as a good-faith gesture to keep negotiatons going, it would have meant the world to a lot of people, showing that the Guild really meant that it wants to solve this problem. If the AMPTM dropped the ball during that period -- which they well might have -- the blame could be placed squarely on their shoulders. But... no.

[Zaat]

Hey Brett & Co,

"Rageful"? Oh, you're a writer all right.

[MAX (PhD in Creative Writing & Literature)]

Finally it's on the record who has the REAL power in Hollywood: $13 hour story dept. employees, low-paid assistants, and unpaid undergraduate intern readers who all give coverage, critical notes and "creative" input to the, no doubt, highly educated, skilled and gifted writer. And in this case, a successful "name" writer, too.

In publishing the term Editor is reserved for the highest position of editorial decision-making, yet in Hollywood "Story Editor" is at the bottom of the executive roster, just below "Creative Executive". The "Story Editor" is often a young, inexperienced, ex-unpaid undergraduate intern who decided to give up college and give critical notes and creative suggestions to the successful screenwriter, instead. Who wouldn't want to do that?!

How about some PhD literature, film, and theatre graduates being hired as "Story Editors" instead of drop-outs from some lousy communications course?

Hollywood is so broken, it's going to take much more than a brief writers' strike to fix it... but it's a start.

As I often tell myself when finishing the first draft: "Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

[jtbwriter]

I just love the spewing of vile toward Ellen De by the WGA and their cronies-forget about the people who wrote in for tix and spent money to come see her show..they're nothing to the union goons! I lost all sympathy for the writers when I heard some special needs children were harassed going into a taping yesterday. And there's plenty of shame to go around with the writers and the producers for putting viewers in the middle here. Yes, the producers are making money selling ads on the "free" shows airing on line...and I don't see the writers for cancelled shows giving any of the money back! I won't take anyone here seriously until they submit to binding arbitration!
And as for that lame "letter" - I don't know who penned it-but it was so funny I forgot to laugh.

[Blair]

You guys are pathetic. I can't believe that in this day and age when our economy is going into the dumper because the mentality of the American is that they are entitled to so much. Other people have to work for a living, and if they even think about unionizing the companies they work for will either break down (GM) or cut them out and re-hire or outsource. Meanwhile, the entire entertainment industry is tanking, and writers can only see themselves and their close minded view of the world. They ignore what it truly takes to run a business. If you don't like your job and don't appreciate what you are getting paid, get a new one. Don't get angry at people like Ellen who respect that they have employees who depend on them, and that when you sign a contract it means something.

[RJG]

This is cute, but it ignores the fact that almost all assistants are working their way up in the industry with the intention of getting rich at the hands of the same companies that are screwing the writers right now. If this "assistant" is really so worried about making a living in this industry the "assistant" should be pulling for the writers to get what they are owed.

[Story Analyst]

Hey MAX,

You'd be surprised how smart most of us "readers" in Hollywood really are. I'm glad your advanced degree (I have an MFA, big whoop) gives you the chance to be so arrogant and smug. I don't know any Story Editors in town -- at least on the studio level -- who didn't have to work their tails off and prove themselves to get to where they are now.Clearly you're like some of the other writers who think they're above working stiffs who put in 40-80 hours a week.

But then again, we can often tell how smart people like you pretend to be when we read your scripts.

I support the striker's demands but wish, like the assistant's letter above notes, that the writers would take notice of the bigger picture and get back to negotiating, pronto.

[Howzie]

Try real work, writing?

Puh-leeze.

The whole bunch could fall off the face of the planet and I'd not notice. I get quite the kick out of a bunch of effete snobs acting like they're coal miners. The dreck produced on a weekly (weakly?) basis by these poor, suffering artistes is appalling. No wonder TV is losing viewers; you people have no concept of the real world. While Leno and Belzer are bringing you croissants and Naked Juice and Pinkberries, the 125 craftspeople on each show are wondering how to feed their kids.

Good job. I hope the strike lasts 5 years--I'll not notice, outside of the guilty pleasure I get from reading this blog.

[Admirer]

The Duke - I totally agree with you.

[Steven J]

What an obvious and hollow hatchet job. I am embarrassed for the author. When you can't deny the value of the WGA's arguments on the merits of media residuals, denigrate the writers directly. How despicable.

[Lisa]

I can't believe the negative reaction off this letter - clearly everyone commenting is a writer. The issue at stake here is that people are being put out of jobs by your actions. People who, though you obviously don't believe so, work hard for both writers and the execs to get whatever they want, even when it often requires them to be treated like dirt or get paid minimally. They are very aware that they have taken their jobs voluntarily and that everyone else has had to suffer through it, but let me ask you a question dear writers - when you were an assistant, did everyone stop working one day and leave you jobless? How would you have felt? The issue isn't who is right and who is wrong, its that you should be able to look beyond yourselves and realize there are consequences to other people who don't have any control over it. This is just typical of Hollywood - everyone is out for themselves.

[Julie]

This is craziness -- you can't blame the writers! Blame the huge media corporations that REFUSE to pay ANYTHING for Internet downloads they are receiving advertising money. When they are showing entire episodes, that is not a promotion. And as anyone who has ever watched an episode online -- we watch ADS! Saying that the writers are to blame is like blaming a wife for making her husband so mad he hits the kids! Writers are NOT costing anyone their jobs -- get it straight. It is pure corporate greed that is doing that. To give the writers what they are asking for in DVDs and new media would still cost the studios less than their CEO's yearly salary.