'The Hills': Where are all the men?

Because they were MIA during Monday's episode of "The Hills."

Instead, the series' resident guys were revealed to be a bunch of little girls.

Let's review the players:

Brody Jenner, the Whiner. Brody's complaints began early on in the episode when Spencer told him he had decided to forgo one of their many BBQ parties to fly to Colorado to meet Heidi's family. Brody, pictured, reacted like a jealous girlfriend. ("We've been planning this BBQ for two months!") He ragged on Lauren's attitude toward Heidi and Spencer last season, but it looks like Brody is just as clingy to his BFF.

Later, during the party, Brody got tackled by Lauren during a co-ed game of beach football. Somehow he managed to actually break a finger, kicking off Whining, Round 2. After telling everyone at the party that he'd gotten nailed by Lauren, he took off for the doctor's office. He returned shortly after with X-rays, an appointment for surgery and a full arm bandage. Lauren couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his entire arm wrapped up like a mummy for a finger injury. Brody later complained to Lauren that her laughter hurt his feelings. Cry me a river, dude. Good thing Lauren seems to be completely over their short-lived romance.

Justin Bobby, the Ditcher. Oh, Audrina. He left you in Vegas, and he's gone and disappeared again. This is what we call a pattern. And for a minute there, we thought you saw it too. "I'm done," you said after discovering that he had left your helmet and your heart at the party. And then we saw the preview for next week's episode, which told us that despite appearances, you're going to go back for more. We have no words. Anyhow, Lauren put it best: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want that for a boyfriend."

Spencer Pratt, the Kiss-Up. Surprisingly, party girl Heidi seems to come from a grounded family. So needless to say, it didn't look like they bought Spencer's I'm-a-good-guy act. At least, not the way the episode was edited. They didn't seem the least impressed that in less than a year, he had convinced their 20-year-old daughter to move in with him and get engaged. Frankly, and I think Heidi's family really picked up on this, he's just creepy. Not too bright, either: That impression of a possessive Lauren? Scary, not to mention in poor taste. Mom and Stepdad made no secret of the fact that they liked Lauren and were concerned that the two were no longer friends. Stepdad came right out and told Spencer that in fact Heidi had a poor habit out of clinging too tightly to her boyfriends and as a result was without a core group of close friends. The idea that this might be bad for Heidi didn't seem to register with Spencer.

Ladies, I suggest restricting future boyfriends to the kind with, ahem, guts.

-- Denise Martin

(Photo courtesy MTV.com)

Comments

[Jennifer]

Men and girls? Ms. Martin chooses to distinguish weak male characters as "girls." This is unfortunate. Given all the discrimination (and hate) in our culture towards females perhaps we should look at language for answers as to where these negative attitudes come from. Refering to females as "whiners" as Ms Martin condescendingly refers to emasculated men, only intesifies negative feelings towards girls. There are a lot of stats out there that show us that girls around the age of 12 start to have problems with self-esteem.
Let's try and solve that problem for them by not generalizing females as a group that can be called "whiners" or "weak."

Equality in a culture is reflected in the language.

There are two other topics of interest for me within Ms. Martin's entry: The first, incorrect usage of "Men" being paired with "girls." The correct pairing is men and women, guys and gals, boys and girls. The second, Ms. Martin alludes that "men" are being "girls" if they get beat up by a female. Is she implying that a real man would have broken her finger?

[Dee]

All I have to say...is this review is brillant and soooo on the money. All those boys act like little bit...hes and deserve to be spanked. Unfortunately they are dating women that are too stupid to function and don't know any better. The only one who has a fighting chance is Lauren, but if she goes back to Jason I will have lost all respect for her.