Contact Lenses

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Yeeesh! Everyone did see the parental advisory warning at the top of the hour, right? Right?!

Not that you can expect anything named ‘Top 5 Eaten Alive’ to be quiet and contemplative, but the sight of someone’s calf muscle being ripped off their fibula by a shark in shallow water is an image that won’t soon be forgotten. And, if you missed it, no doubt someone is uploading the sequence this very second to YouTube.

Of course, the entire premise of the show is a little tabloidy -- shark attacks are incredibly rare, you have more to worry about in the drive to the beach than once you get in the water, etc. etc. All the facts aside, however, hearing the stories of the unfortunate few who have been attacked is riveting. (Or maybe they should be called the fortunate few, since they did, in fact, survive.)

Here are things I learned from tonight’s show: Don’t hunt for abalone, ever, under any circumstances; two of the five victims in the show were doing just that when they got chomped. Don’t set out on your own when swimming in deep water; it makes sharks think that you’re the weak one of the herd. Don’t presume that sharks will only attack if they feel threatened; if you encounter a grouchy shark under any circumstances, it’s going to take a nibble. And, for the love of God, make sure the water you’re swimming in isn’t the site of effluent from a meat-processing plant. And, finally, if you are attacked in the middle of nowhere, make sure the backwater hospital that you’re transported to has more than saline solution to disinfect the wound. It’s good for contact lenses but pretty much of zero efficacy when it comes to shark bacteria.

-- Ann Donahue