'Dancing With the Stars': Hey Sanjaya, here's a few tips

An Open Letter to Sanjaya Malakar:

It’s impossible to tell, at this point, whether you care what people in America actually think of you, or you’re just flipping the bird to the country in your head, waiting for the stupid contest to be over so you can just win and go do some more hula-dancing in your back yard.

If, however, you are interested in cleaning up your image, it might help to take notes from Apolo Anton Ohno.

Sure, he’s an Olympian and you’re a 17-year-old, but the two of you have many parallels: you’re both on major reality TV shows (you, “American Idol,” he on “Dancing with the Stars”), you’re both unthreateningly baby-faced and you both have a wonderful all-American melting pot quality. However, there is a big difference between the two of you: Apolo rules, and you don't.

Here is what you can learn from him:

The Hair: Nothing says “I’m a rebel” and, simultaneously, “I’m a beautiful pony!” like a luxurious head of hair, which you both have. Sanjaya, take some cues from Apolo. He’ll play with it, maybe a bandana, or a ponytail, but he uses his hair the way Joey Fatone uses his coattails: as a fun accessory but not the mane -- get it? -- event. Don’t be like Leeza Gibbons showing off the “Tramp” temporary tattoo on her chest. It’s desperate when you use your hair as a conversation piece -- tone it down.

The Competitive Edge: What separates Apolo (as well as Fatone and Laila Ali) from the pack on “Stars” is that Apolo clearly wants to win —- he mentioned pulling away from the pack on the most recent episode. You seem to be in a world of your own, with no consideration of who or what you are up against. Sure, it might all be baloney -- we all know Apolo won’t exactly cry into his ice skates if he doesn’t win -— but at least act like you’re playing to win, and not just, you know, whatever.

Be Good At Many Things: This one might be hard. Apolo is a wonderful speed skater and a hell of a dancer. You’re not a very good singer thus far and your hula dancing is pretty weak at best too. Can you give us something else?

The Appeal: Both of you have the kind of fresh faced youth and twinge of mischievousness that can appeal to people of all ages and genders. And while Apolo certainly seems aware of his appeal -— he and his partner, 18-year-old Julianne Hough are just so darn cute!!!! together -— he’s a man and a pro. He doesn’t overly grin or wink or shake his butt or try and exhibit sass to the judges. If you don’t have a good personality, it’s not your fault.

Just don’t try and forge one. Otherwise you’re going to look like -— sorry to say it again -— Leeza Gibbons.

If all else fails, though, you can take a page from everyone else on last night’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars” and just take a piece of clothing off while you perform. We’re sure that that will make someone, maybe that crying girl, happy.

--Claire Zulkey

(Photo courtesy ABC)

Comments

[Jay Shaw]

Sanjaya's performance is superb. Whatever anyone can comment, he came up to top 10 and it's an achievement. Please stop throwing hatred behavior in this show, let's enjoy !!

[Chicago48]

that was so funny! And you're right. Let's not make excuses for Sanjaya, at this point in the competition he either wants to win and acts like he wants to win or he's "whatever"! LOL

[Tony V]

Who has ever looked under the rock of success? I think if Sanjaya wins it must on some level be deserved. Why else would he democratically be elected? What are you going to say next? Perhaps George Bush wasn't the best choice for president? COMmunist!!!!!!

[songbird]

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Sanjaya's performance is superb? This kid is so bad! Take the cotton out of your ears if you think he is anything other than horrific! He only remains on the show because he get's the little preteen girls' vote! Are you telling me you'd pay to go see him in concert? If so, I think you 'd surely get a front row seat! Sanjaya should go, NO DOUBT!